


I Am The Highway

by templeoftheslavegarden



Series: Louder Than Love Trilogy [3]
Category: Audioslave (Band), Soundgarden (Band), Type O Negative (Band)
Genre: Audioslave, F/M, Fanfiction, Grunge, New York, Seattle, Type O Negative, soundgarden - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:09:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 100,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/templeoftheslavegarden/pseuds/templeoftheslavegarden
Summary: **BOOK 3**His touch sent me to a world where only he and I existed, where everything that was bad in the world fluttered away and the only thing that mattered was Chris and I in that moment.I found my voice... a voice inside me that wasn't just different... it was me all along and I needed him to show me that.I fell into that wonderful world where it was Him and I with music that never ended.But what happens when the music does end? You think you have it all, and one day that dream falls apart.Your life didn't turn out to be that fairy tale everyone always talks about.Follow along as the Journey Continues...This Is... I Am The Highway!
Relationships: Chris Cornell/Original Female Character
Series: Louder Than Love Trilogy [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586416
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Prelude

Chris

Hi,

Yea I know, its Andrea's story to tell, and trust me, she definitely deserves to tell it. I just wanted to take a moment tell a little bit of my side and to say that I loved her more than anything in this world, and I'm pretty sure you all know that from the first moment I laid eyes on her. I swear, sometimes I wish I could go back and relive that moment over an over.

The way she captivated me that night back in 1988 when she came to see me and the guys, when we had a show at The Gorilla Room. Fuck , that seems so fucking long ago. Almost like a lifetime ago. It's crazy to think we were just kids then. Well it seems like we were anyways.

I still remember that Black Sabbath shirt she wore, all cut up so fucking sexy... her beautiful dark curls, those beautiful brown eyes... like two chained dobermans that were either going to attack you or make love to you, you just never knew which. Fuck, and to think that the best line that I could come up with was 'Don't worry, I got It' 

Like, seriously Chris...? smooth.

But, it worked. Well, I didn't really know if it did at the time... she was so shy but so goddamn beautiful. Every time I looked into those beautiful brown eyes, I knew I was home. She never pretended to be who she wasn't. She was so different from any of the other girls I was with before. For one thing, she was even more of a metal head I was... am... and I'm not really that much of a metal guy but, I like to think I listen to some pretty dark and heavy shit.

She made me feel so different from anyone else too. She never looked at me as 'Chris Cornell, the captivating charismatic front man of Soundgarden... ' 'cause trust me, I can pull that off on stage but I like to think I'm just like any other normal guy. I'm shy and I get insecure... I can feel like most days I can do anything, and then someone will say something, however small it is and I plummet completely in the other direction, feeling like everything I do is stupid and ridiculous and what's the fucking point?

Shit sorry... I'm going off on a tangent here...

She always made me feel humble. She never bullshitted me or 'kissed my ass' so to speak. She'd rather kick it than kiss it haha! But seriously, if I was a fucking idiot, she sure as hell would let me know it, and I sure as hell admit fully, that I can be the biggest idiot when I want to be.

Andi was there right from the beginning. She was with me through one of the darkest periods of my life. She didn't really touch on it much, but when Andrew overdosed... I lost my best friend, my roommate, my writing partner in crime I guess. Though I was in a dark place at that point, I did everything I could to not drown myself in alcohol like all the other times, and I like to think I did pretty good. It wasn't like she was keeping me in check or anything I just wanted to be as level headed as I could with her. She listened to me when I would break down, she stood by me when I felt like I couldn't go on, though that wasn't easy for her and I know it.

A lot of things weren't easy for her, being with me, on the road all the time. She seemed to really adjust to it like it was nothing though. It was almost like it was second nature to her, which is why I came up with the idea for her to be our assistant on tour. She just picked it up like it was nothing. It could be because her father was in a band when she was really little, and I remember meeting her mother for the first time and her telling me how Andi was permanently attached to him, following him everywhere. But I'd like to think that Andi wasn't just following me... she was my partner... she was right there by my side through it all, which is why I asked her to marry me.

I had never thought of getting married before Andrea. I never really thought of anything before I met her. The first girlfriend I had, even before I was with Susan, fucking stabbed me in the hand in my kitchen when I still lived at home with my mom. I don't remember what the fight was about... I was 15 years old I think... but I sure as fuck remember that girl pulling out a knife from the drawer and stabbing me in the hand.

Fuck...

Like who does that? A psycho that's who...and that was pretty much my first memory with a girl... speaking in terms of fighting anyways. Other experiences though... well, I don't really need to get into that... wink, wink.

Ugh! Chris... stop getting distracted... focus...

The day Andrea and I got married was, well for one thing, crazy cause we didn't plan it... but it was the happiest day of my life... second to the day I asked her to marry me, and at that point I honestly didn't think she was going to say yes. She was in such a dark place after loosing her mother, that I honestly thought she would've said 'no'. But, once again... she proved me wrong.

Going to Vegas to get married seems like such a cliché thing to do though, but I wanted her to be my wife so bad that I didn't care who was there, or really, who wasn't there. I obviously didn't intentionally go to Vegas to get married, we were on location shooting the video for 'Jesus Christ Pose' and... well... I had to convince her to do it... but it didn't take much convincing. The look in her eyes when I said 'let's just fucking get married'

Once again... seriously Chris? I really need to come up with better lines here haha!

That look in her eyes though, told me all I needed to know was that she wanted me. That she wanted to be mine and for me to be hers... forever. We could've been standing out in the middle of the Mojave desert with no one around (except for obviously the uh... priest) and it still didn't matter. It was perfect to me... I wouldn't change a fucking thing about that day. She was all I ever needed.

Then the Guns N' Roses tour.... oh the Guns tour...

Actually the tour wasn't that bad... The Gunners actually treated us better than any other tour we've ever been on. I think it was Axl who specifically asked for us to join or something like that... which was pretty cool. Slash and Duff are pretty cool fucking guys... we still hang out sometimes, when we're not obviously busy with touring and stuff. Axl on the other hand... he's cool but just... I don't know. I could never get a really good feel for him. He just seemed like... well maybe at one point he was 'normal'... relatively speaking of course. I know he's had a hard life growing up so we totally relate with each other on that but... during that tour he was on some other existence.

Now, I'm not one to judge at all. The music business is hard to deal with for anyone who is in it. The pressure you constantly feel... though I never really felt that, since we had such good management, thanks to Susan, and our record label pretty much let us do how we wanted. I mean there was pressure... but not enough to take me so far away from what reality is.

I wasn't concerned when Andi told me Axl was being extra flirtatious with her behind my back. I trusted Andi, pretty much more than anyone I ever have in my life. Yea we had a little hiccup in the beginning with... um... Baz... (Don't worry... Baz and I are all cool now) it did kind of piss me off that Axl was doing that. Like dude, you know she's married to me so why are you trying to start shit?

But you know... We're talking about Axl rose here... The guy who coming out of this huge mansion on a hill, in that video for what was it...? Estranged...? With a bunch of servants wearing white and him getting into this huge stretch and having a motorcade of police wearing white ice-cream-salesman suits. Who the fuck does he think he is going to honestly connect with? Who else is going to give a shit about the fact that he can afford that kind of attention? It's spitting in the face of the people that have put you there. Even I was offended by it, and I don't get offended by much.

So... I guess it's time to talk about... you know...

I remember that day when I brought up... the subject of maybe... having a baby. Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to have a baby with Andi. I don't remember when I started to feel that way but I remember looking at her and just thinking... damn, I want you to have my baby. I want someone who looks just like me and her... mostly her though, running around and just obviously some one who's a part of the both of us. Who comes from both of us and our love for each other. I wanted that more than anything at that point. I wanted to have a baby with her and make sure that all of the mistakes that my parents made, and her parents made, didn't happen. I swore I was going to be a better father than my father was and his father before him.

Now, I don't really know the whole ins and outs of why it was difficult for us...for her... to conceive. It took a while. A lot longer than I expected. Here I am thinking that it takes just once, and most of the time it does... then ooops... you're having a baby.

I never really thought that there would be anything wrong. I had never heard of anyone talk about the fact it could be difficult to get pregnant. It didn't even worry me at first... I just thought 'ok it's taking a bit longer than I thought but... at least we're having fun trying...'

Then about maybe the 5th month of nothing working I was starting to worry just a little bit. Not enough to cause any concern for me... just... I didn't understand either why nothing was working. I know it was putting a lot of stress on Andi 'cause I knew she wanted to have a baby too... but those stupid ovulation schedules just basically took all the fun out of it and it started to put a bit of a strain on our relationship. So, that's why I didn't care about trying to have a baby anymore. I wanted to have a baby with her still just, not like that. Not to the point where it was making us miserable. So we went back to how we used to be. Just having fun and loving each other like we always had. For fuck sakes, we couldn't keep our hands off each other in the beginning and once we talked it out, it was just like it was then.

God that first time... that very first time I made love to her. I was so nervous but fuck she looked so good and she smelled so good... and I sang her that song I wrote the night I walked her home from The Central. I remember writing that song too. It just came out of me... I wrote it in like 20 minutes I think, something like that, and I let on that I wasn't trying to 'woo' her... is that how you say it? (Basically I needed a better pick up line than the 'Don't worry I got it' that I used the first night haha.) but I actually was trying... I needed to let her know how I felt about her. I didn't tell her yet... well maybe I did in that song... but I was totally falling in love with her.

Ok Chris... get back on track here...

That morning Andi told me she was pregnant... I can't even begin to explain the feeling I felt. It finally worked. She was going to have my baby. It felt like everything I had done in my life had finally lead up to that moment, to finally have everything make sense. It was amazing and I couldn't wait to be a daddy... and we were going to have a little girl... which scared the shit outta me at first. I mean I have 3 sisters so it's not like I'm not used to being around girls... or ... you know what I mean. But the thought of having a little girl, knowing that she was going to have me wrapped around her little finger for the rest of my life... I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I knew I loved her before I even met her... she was going to be my everything.

Andrea explained it perfectly. It's true they always say that first ride home is one you'll never forget. Well you're damn fucking right I'm never going to forget. I'll never forget the feeling of not being there when everything happened. I'll never forget the feeling of loosing someone before you even got a chance to meet them. That feeling your whole world is taken away before you even had it in the first place. One thing you realize when... you loose someone... how death is like... final. That's it. You don't get a do over, you can't go back and change anything, you can't create new memories, and each new thing that happens in your life once they're gone... it's not like you can tell them about it... you can't experience it with them...

That's pretty much when I just gave up... I didn't give a shit anymore... at that point... nothing else mattered but me and that bottle of whiskey. Now, I know Andi was devastated. She didn't leave the bed for like... 3 months... and seeing her like that was absolutely heartbreaking. To feel like I wasn't the one to make anything better cause no matter what I did, it felt like it didn't change anything... so like an idiot... I just avoided the situation and drowned myself in alcohol. I know it was hard for Andi to see me do that... I mean I've always been a drinker but this time was different... and I could feel that it was different. I wasn't using it to just have a good time anymore... I was using it to feel normal, or what I thought was normal.

I still remember the day Andi left. I don't blame her for leaving me one bit. The way I was acting... who I had become... I was a completely different person than the man she fell so madly in love with. She was different too, but not so different to the point where she was a completely different person... to me anyways. She was still her beautiful, shy, cute, incredibly sexy self watching me fall into a deep pit like the one she struggled to get out of.

I should let you know that also at this point, my band, Soundgarden was starting to fall apart. My deep fall into alcoholism, which I'm still struggling with, was now rolling over into my band. After years and years of touring, album, touring, album... I was getting bored and tired and I just wasn't having any fun. None of us were... so I did what I do best... I drank... which made for some real interesting shows. We were starting to argue more than usual... I started to forget lyrics... forget my place... but I still fucking did my best to kick ass every night we played. We did one last album... one last hurrah! and like all good things... sometimes they have to come to an end...

I love her.

That will never change.

But enough about Soundgarden... and enough about me... I'm going to let Andrea take back over here and you can hear it from her side. She tells it best anyways. I could listen to her forever... especially that laugh of hers.

Oh, and don't worry I'll still be popping in some points of the story... just whenever I feel like it... so you'll hear those awesome one liners I know you all love haha.

Ok... I think I need a smoke...


	2. Jersey Boy

Los Angeles California, July 6 1995

"Ok Andi... don't be nervous... it's not like you haven't done this before," I say to myself as I stand outside the office door.

I had no idea what I was walking into. Well, that's not true, I had somewhat of an idea... I mean I was at A&M studios in Los Angeles and I knew I was going to be an assistant for a band I just didn't know who. Susan made a call to Tom Shapiro at A&M records, to appoint me as an assistant. The only thing Susan could tell me was that they had fired their manager and were now doing everything on their own so they needed a little help while they record a few tracks for their album in Los Angeles and a few tracks to be recorded in Seattle as well.

Yes, I still work for Susan Silver but when Chris and I broke up (which I will talk about in a second, don't worry) I set up an appointment with her to resign my position as P.A and resign from her management team. She really didn't want to let me go for some reason. I have no idea why though. Maybe she saw how much I needed a job, or maybe she just felt bad for me... I couldn't tell you, but she somehow convinced me to stay. To be honest, I didn't really want to walk away from that job, I just knew I couldn't be around Chris at that point.

We're still married though but we haven't been together since March last year. Ugh... how do I explain this...? This is really hard. I guess I'll just come right out and say it. I left him. It was one of the hardest, most heartbreaking things I've ever had to do in my life. I never thought it would've ever come to that point. I thought no matter what anyone or anything threw at us, we would get through it together.

That meeting though... man that was hard, especially when Chris and I had to meet with Susan together and sign papers for me to resign. That was the most gut-wrenching thing I've had to face since my mother died. It had been the first time I'd seen him since we split and it was awkward to say the least. We did run into each other after that as well and it wasn't any better. 

Ever since I lost - we lost Lily... things just weren't the same. Chris withdrew into himself and I pretty much did as well. I tried... I really did. I really wanted us to be able to get through that. I just couldn't watch him drown himself anymore. Maybe I should've tried harder... maybe I should've helped him or something... I honestly don't know. When you're going through such intense grief from the loss of the only thing you ever wanted, that you never really knew how much you wanted until it was gone, how do you help heal someone when you're not even healing yourself? I just wanted the pain to end.

I moved out some time around the end of March last year and stayed with Selena for a few weeks until I got my own apartment in Seattle, closer to the downtown area so it's easier to get back and forth from work. I had also started seeing Kenny Hickey from Type O Negative around the middle of June, just after I moved into my own apartment. At first it was just casual you know... he was exactly what I needed to just forget about everything and have fun. I just didn't want to be me anymore. Eventually, though I tried to tell myself that I wasn't falling in love, I did. 

When I was hired to become a P.A on the last leg of Pantera's U.S tour, that's when it became really intense for Kenny and I. Type O Negative was opening for Pantera so naturally I ended up also helping out with Type O. We spent so much time together and it was the longest that I had been on the road with a band outside of Soundgarden.

God damn, did I ever fall for him... hard. It was the most intense I've felt about anyone since Chris and it was amazing. I loved every single moment with him. But of course like all things... it ended, which I will go into further detail at some point but for now we'll just focus on this part of my story.

Selena and Kim are still together. They are so adorable. It's the first time I've seen Kim so excited over a girl and for it to be my best friend was pretty freaking cool. I am so happy for them. Kim and I, obviously, still talk whenever I hang out with Selena and he's there too. At first it was a little weird but Kim and I always had a friendship separate from Chris and I. I was always able to come to him with anything, if I felt I couldn't talk to Chris.

So now here I stand outside the door to one of the offices at A&M records, nervous as fuck as to who I'm actually going to meet. I look down at myself, hoping I look presentable, smoothing out my Sepultura band shirt that I had cut to style as always with my cute leather jacket over top. I paired that with my black ripped leggings and my Doc Marten's, leaving my hair down and curly. I take a deep breath and fidget with my silver studded wrist cuff on my left hand while holding my folder and planner, catching a glimpse of my finger that once had that beautiful wedding band and engagement ring.

"Hello... you must be Andrea Corne- "

"Yes... hi, " I say shyly and nervously not meaning to cut him off as he extends out his hand for me to shake.

"I'm uh... Tom. Tom Shapiro... come on in," He smiles at me and I step through the door. This is not what I was expecting at all. I mean, I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting but I know it wasn't this. I was hoping it was going to be a band I liked. That I was actually a fan of.

"Jon... this is Andrea," Tom says as he steps back over to his desk.

No.

"Andrea... this is Jon Bon Jovi, "

No. No. Fuck No.

Jon turns and look up at me flashing a smile and looks at me up and down for a few minutes. His light brown- almost blonde hair in waves just to his shoulders. Much different than his earlier 80's hairstyle that all the girls were crazy for. This seemed a lot more tame then back then. He did have those pretty blue eyes, the ones that seem to suck you in if you looked too long.

"Hi," Jon smiles at me and I just smile shyly back with slight uneasiness.

"Andrea, have a seat and uh... we'll get to discussing the position," Tom says as he gestures for me to sit down.

"Uh... please .... call me Andi," I smile.

"Ok... Andi have a seat," Tom corrects himself and I reluctantly but quickly, take a seat beside Jon. Ugh! this is awkward and weird. I already feel like I want to get the hell out of here.

Bon Jovi...? Seriously...? I didn't even know they were under the same record label as Soundgarden.

"So... Andrea - sorry... Andi... here has experience with being an assistant for Susan Silver Management. She's been in the business for a little bit and Susan referred her over here while you... and well, the rest of the band...record some tracks on your new album. So if you need anything, be it hotel bookings... food... basically anything you need, Andi will be your assistant," Tom explains.

"Alright...cool," Jon just looks at me for a few moments and then turns back to Tom.

"Well, I know you guys have some recording time downstairs right now so, I'll just leave you to it... oh yea... I need to print out the contract... hold on, I'll be right back," Tom says almost forgetting an important part. Well it's not really important to me, but you usually have to sign a contract for legal reasons.

A few minutes go by and I figure I'll be the one to say something, since the awkwardness is extreme in here right now.

"So... you're working on an album?" I ask, trying to start a conversation.

"Yea... we've got some studio time booked here for about a week or so... recording some tracks and then we head to Seattle to record a couple of more tracks there too. I don't know why though... I mean we usually record in Jersey... but I guess the record label's paying for it so I shouldn't complain," Jon smiles at me his New Jersey accent very apparent as he speaks.

"Where's the rest of the band?" I ask a little confused. Normally the whole band is present when these things need to be signed.

"They're downstairs already... Tom said he just needed me for confirmation and to sign the contract with you," Jon says.

"Weird... I always thought the band was a collective kinda thing..." I say.

"It is... but really it's under my name... Bon Jovi...you know," He flashes a smile and I wasn't sure what to think of that.

"I always thought of a band as being a family... all parts equal..." I state. I don't know why it came out that way but something just irked me about the way that Jon explained his band.

"Well it is... but for legal reasons... we do it this way," Jon replies and looks at me, flashing me a smile again.

"Well... ok then... I guess..." I say as I was trying to come up with a comeback but I really couldn't think of one.

"So... Tom says you've done this kinda thing before?" Jon asks moving his arm to rest on the back of his seat as he turns to face me more.

"Uh yea... I uh... was an assistant for Soundgarden for a few years," My voice breaks a little as I look down at myself.

"Soundgarden... really? Huh..." Jon says.

"What?" I say, looking back up at him, suddenly feeling really defensive.

"Nothing... I just didn't think you were... or you don't look like a 'grunge' type of girl..." He smirks.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

"Grunge...? So, I'm supposed to look like the type of music of the bands that I work for?" I ask.

"No, no... I mean-"

"Ok... so I have the contract here... sorry, I was having an issue with the printer... technology sometimes," Tom says as he comes back in the office cutting Jon off. Jon just looks at me again and I give him an unimpressive look. Tom then slides the contract over to me first and I look it over, flipping through each page which basically documented everything I would do... confidentiality... blah, blah, blah. Nothing I haven't signed before. I take the pen and sign my name and then slide it over to Jon. Jon reads over the contract, flips through the pages and then looks up at me for a moment when he reaches the last page to sign. I look back at him giving him a confused look and he then looks back down at the contract and signs his name.

"Great! ok... here's a copy for you two and yea... we're basically finished here," Tom says when Jon slides the contract back over and Tom hands us our copies. I shake hands with Tom first as I feel Jon still observing me as we head to the door. Jon and I both say our goodbyes to Tom and we find ourselves standing outside his closed office door.

"So I guess I'll come down and meet the guys with you?' I ask, Jon eyes flicking to mine as he flashes me a smirk.

"Yea, sure if you want to," He says in his thick New Jersey accent.

"Well, might as well get it over with," I say as I stuff the contract in my folder. He smirks and shakes his head at me as he starts to walk down the hallway and I follow.

"Cornell?" Jon says after a few minutes of us walking down the hallway. I look up at him as he glances over at me.

"As in Chris Cornell?" Jon continues. I didn't know what to say at that moment. Anytime someone mentions his name, even for just a second, my heart gets this little twinge that I can't explain.

"Yea," I say quietly, looking down at my planner as we walk down the hallway.

"Huh..." He says almost in disbelief.

"What?" I ask. I feel like he's judging me.

"I just never knew he was married," He says.

"Well he was - is... I mean..." I trail off, my heart sinking at the use of 'was'.

"Is?" Jon asks confused with his blue eyes looking at me.

"We're still married... It's complicated..."

"So you are a grunge girl," He smirks at me. I stop and look at him, glaringly for a moment as he keeps walking for a few steps, then stops and turns to look back at me.

"No I'm not a 'grunge' girl... whatever the hell that means... and I really don't think I need to explain my personal life with you,"

"Hey - " Jon starts but I cut him off.

"And what the fuck is it to you anyways?" I say defensively, my anger starting to rise.

"Whoa -"

"So stop it with your cheap shots ok?"

I thought for sure Jon was going to head back into Tom's office and get me fired, but I didn't care. He was pissing me off with his insulting jabs at me.

"Ok, ok... I'm sorry... I was just trying to make you smile... it was just a joke, I didn't know..." Jon immediately turns apologetic furrowing his brow at me. We look at each other for a few moments and I calm down. I look down at myself and start to feel bad that I snapped. Jon is still looking at me and I can tell by the look on his face that he feels bad.

"If it's any consolation... Seasons... one of the best soundtrack songs I've heard," Jon says offering a smile.

"Yea... well... just keep the jokes to yourself... cause they aren't funny," I say and start walking passed him down the hall while he watches me for a few moments. He exhales running his hands through his hair, wondering just what the hell he got himself into, and follows me to the studio downstairs.


	3. "I'm Just Tryn'a Get To Know Ya"

Los Angeles California, July 13 1995

I was starting to get into the groove of getting to know Jon and the guys from Bon Jovi. After spending the last week around him, I realize he's not such a bad guy. I was never one to judge anyone before so I shouldn't have been so defensive with the way I was acting the first day I met him. I have always been the person to give someone a chance and I feel bad that I was such a bitch that first day. 

Fuck, I never thought I would ever be saying that Jon Bon Jovi is pretty cool...to anyone. I never thought I would be sort of working for them either. But it's only just until the end of this week and then I head back home to Seattle where they are recording the last of their tracks for their album before it's released.

So right now I'm in the studio to make sure that Jon and the guys are ok and if they need anything or not. 

Oh they joys of being a P.A. How did I end up doing this? Oh... yea... right.

"Ok... so I've got the hotel booked for when you head to Seattle... um... you have a couple of interviews with the Seattle times... I guess to go over your new album and... yea that's pretty much it. They have me, kinda set up as your 'tour guide' around Seattle, once you get there... so if you need anything... you can just ask... well obviously " I say as I look down at my planner with Jon sitting across from me in the Control room while Ritchie records some solo work.

"Alright... sounds like a plan," Jon flashes his smile at me as I look back up at him.

"So are you from Seattle... like... originally or...?" He asks me after a few minutes.

"Uh... no, I'm from Ontario, Canada...," I say as I look back down at myself and adjust my Pantera shirt.

"Oh... ok... I thought you kinda had an east coast accent," He smiles at me.

"Really..? I thought it had pretty much dissipated by now..." I say.

"Maybe... I can hear it though..." He smirks at me and flips his dark blonde locks out of his eyes.

" I moved to Seattle for school back in '88... but I dropped out..." I continue.

"Really...? Highschool....?" He asks as he leans forward, resting his arms on his knees.

"Ha! you're sweet... no, um... college..." I giggle at the fact he thought I was so young.

"College... really...? What were you going for...?" He smiles at me and I look up at him.

"Business Administration... I only did 2 semesters and then I got bored and dropped out... I was only 18 at the time... just a kid..." I trail off thinking about it, looking back down at myself and wishing somehow I had just stuck with it. My life would've been so different... but it wasn't me. I'm good at the business side of things but what I was learning didn't seem to be useful unless you wanted to be a CEO of a large company, and that's not like me at all. Music is my life and being in the music business all around is what I love.

"So you're only like what...?" Jon trails off.

"25,"I say as I look up at him.

"My god... you're still just a kid..." He chuckles and I squint my eyes at him.

"Yea...? well whatever you think then..." I say flatly.

"I didn't mean it as an insult... I just remember when I was 25 and I still was just a kid back then..." Jon says still leaning forward and swiveling the chair a bit.

"Oh so you're like an old man now...?" I giggle.

"Somedays I feel like it," He smiles.

"So you're like what... 40?" I joke.

"oooh... that... that hurts," He winces and touches his hand to his chest for dramatic effect.

"Well... how old are you then?" I laugh.

"Old enough..." He smirks.

"Is that like an undetermined number I've yet to be aware of?" I joke raising my eyebrow and smirking at the fact that he's being so nonchalant with me.

"I'm 33... if you must know..." He says and I giggle with his blue eyes looking into mine.

"Uh... we're just about to break for lunch here..." Jon clears his throat and sits back in the swivel chair.

"Oh... ok, do you want me to run out and get you anything...?" I say as I close my planner and stand up, smoothing out my shirt.

"Uh... well actually, Ritchie is going to still work on some things... I think... so if you want... if it's alright with you... I could just join you, and we could just eat out... and then you wouldn't have to keep running back and forth you know..." Jon says, trying his best to sound smooth.

"What, like a date?" I say nervously as my heart begins to beat a little quicker.

"No, not a date... just 2 people going out for some food and maybe a drink or 2..." He says sweetly looking up at me and flashing me that smile of his.

"That sounds like a date to me..." I raise my eyebrow at him.

"Well... we don't have to call it that..." He says sweetly standing up from the chair and I just smirk and shake my head at him.

"Ok... let's go," I giggle and make my way out of the control room with Jon smirking as he follows me out the door.

The Rainbow Bar and Grill

"So... that's when... we decided to take a break and I started to maybe think about going solo...and I did the soundtrack for Young Guns 2... Well... we didn't really 'decide'... we had been pretty miserable for a while on that tour... just the constant bickering and... not remembering where we were playing next, just cause we were so tired all the time... I remember that last show we played in Mexico.... we basically all took separate flights back home and didn't say a word to each other for years..." Jon says as he takes a sip of his wine.

"Oh yea... I remember hearing that song... what... was it... Blaze of Glory?" I say and sip my drink.

"Yea... so you have heard stuff I've done before then?" Jon smirks.

"Well... you're on the radio so much, of course I've heard stuff you've done... I'm just not really a fan of it though," I say and take a bite of my lattice fry. Jon looks at me with a slightly hurt look on his face.

"No offense..." I quickly say.

"No, no I get it... " Jon chuckles a little.

"Then we got back together... made the Keep The Faith album... toured a bit obviously... and now we're finishing up this one... heading out on tour for the summer and yea... taking another break but this time, this break is a mutual thing... and... I guess we'll see what happens in '96.." Jon continues as I nod listening to him tell the story of his career.

"I had no idea... well... but I really didn't follow you guys though... to be honest... you're not my type," I say taking a sip of my Jack and Coke and he raises his eyebrow at me.

"Not your type?" Jon chuckles.

"In terms of music I mean..." I continue after I finish my sip and set my drink back down.

"Uh huh... but what about other things...?" He says taking another sip.

"What do you mean...?" I say and take a bite of my fry.

"You say I'm not your type of music... so... does that mean... I could be your type in other ways?" Jon smirks and takes a sip of his wine. I honestly have no idea what to say to that. I didn't want to tell him the truth and hurt his feelings, but he's not my type at all. He is very flirty and charismatic though and even I have to admit that I'm starting to see why all the girls fall all over him.

"So um... are you with anyone... or..." I trail off thinking I should just ask him but avoid the question he asked me.

"I was... at one time..." He says and sets his glass of wine back down, twirling the glass between his fingers as he looks at the glass.

"It didn't work out?" I ask and take a sip of my drink, hoping that didn't seem too forward but this Jack and Coke is already going to my head a bit.

"Uh, no... it didn't... but I guess I could ask the same thing about you?" Jon says with his blue eyes flicking up to mine.

"You do have a point there..." I smirk and take another sip.

"Well I'll... show you mine if you show me yours," Jon winks and my eyes grow wide at him.

"Hey now... you're crossing the professional line here... " I giggle as he smiles at me.

"I promise I wont tell... if you won't," Jon says smoothly taking another sip of his wine as I smirk at him. I think it over for a few moments and decide to tell him a little bit. I'll be up front about it this time. I don't have anything to hide.

"Ok... I was seeing someone for a little while but, it didn't work out," I say and take a sip of my drink.

"Was it serious?" He asks.

"Not at first but, it eventually became quite serious, but it's over and you know... things happen," I explain. 

"I was married to Chris Cornell, er- I'm still married to him but we're separated. I met him when I was 18 at one of his shows when he played The Gorilla Room... I obviously had a fake ID... but yea..." I add after a few moments, trying to get everything out on the table. why not right? Like I said I have nothing to hide.

"The Gorilla Room?" Jon chuckles and smiles at me.

"Yea I know, I thought it was a weird name for a bar too..." I giggle.

"...and we pretty much started seeing each other from then..."

"So you're more for that tall dark and shy type then?" Jon says.

"Sort of, but not necessarily shy... tall dark and... well yea... but yea I guess he is a pretty shy guy. He'll talk if you talk to him but he doesn't like to talk about himself though. On stage though, my god... he's so aggressive and full of intense energy. That's where he completely came out of his shell. I swear he was almost singing for himself at times. His voice just captivated me, and when you watched him... it was like, effortless... like it just flowed out of him..." I trail off again just thinking about how he hypnotized me right from the start.

"I think I remember seeing a few live shows... just like broadcasted or something... They did like a German T.V special or something like that right?" Jon asks pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yea.... that was back in 1990..." I smile to myself remembering how the German T.V producers told him to tame the show down, and not to rip his shirt off. I remember how that pissed him off. Fuck, he always had to break the rules....

"What was that song... um... one where he like... just belted it out...I think it was the last one in their set..." Jon looks away for a moment trying to think of the performance.

"'Beyond The Wheel?" I ask. Chris always belted out everything he sang.

"Yea... yea that's it... damn... now I see what you saw in him..." Jon says and takes another sip and I sit there for a few moments, reminiscing to myself.

"How long were you married for?" Jon asks.

"Almost 3 years... we got married in Vegas,"

"Really...? That's where my wife - er my ex wife and I got married too," Jon says.

"Well... you know what they say... what happens in Vegas..." I trail off and take another sip of my Jack and Coke.

"Yea..." Jon smirks at me. He continues to look at me for a few moments and then takes the last sip of his wine.

"What?" I ask as his blue eyes seem to never leave me.

"Nothing... you just seem... so young to have been married and then not married or whatever..."

"Well for someone being as young as me, as you say... went through a lot of shit that most young women don't by my age, I guess..." I trail off.

"Yea, the music business can really tear apart a relationship..."

"Maybe for you it did... but in my case... that's not what happened..." I say flatly and Jon looks at me a little confused. We then sit in silence for what seemed like forever as I take the last sip of my drink and set it back down on the table.

"Look... I didn't mean to bring up any pain... or anything... I'm just try'na get to know ya... I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go out again...but I think, maybe, you're not ready," Jon says.

"What makes you think I'm not ready? What makes you think I was even going to say yes?" I say a little defensively.

"Would you have said yes if... I asked you out....?"

"That depends... are you asking me out?" I reply raising my eyebrow and he gives me that smile again.

"Yes...ok yes... I'm asking you out..." Jon smiles at me and I smile back at him.

"Well... then I say yes..." I smirk and Jon laughs.

"Alright then..." Jon chuckles and I giggle while we finish our lunch at The Rainbow.


	4. Someday I'll Be Saturday Night

Seattle Washington, July 20 1995

"Fuck,I hope this looks ok. I don't even know where we're going," I say to myself as I look at myself in the full length mirror in my bedroom.

I was going out on a date with Jon. Jon Bon Jovi. What the serious fuck? It just seems so weird. I don't even know why I said yes. Maybe it was because he seems interested in me, maybe because he is so sweet and so flirty with me... maybe just maybe I needed to forget. Forget about how I can never seem to make any relationship last. Forget the fact that I am still so heartbroken.

I had been back home for a few days and Jon was doing some recording here in Seattle at Bad Animal Studios. I was still obviously their assistant for the time being, but I'm glad I was back home. 

I decided to go with my Pantera shirt, the one I wore when I went to see them a few years ago. It was pretty low cut and it was cropped from when I tied it more snug in the back but... I didn't have anything else. That's not true... I do have other things I could wear but I want to look sexy. It had been so long since I felt sexy and I had worked hard on getting my body back in shape over the last year, that and for some reason I just wanted to show it off a little... why not right?

I paired it with my usual low rise ripped leggings, left my hair down with my dark curls down passed my shoulders, slapped on my silver studded wrist cuff and checked to make sure everything looked good. I finished checking myself in the mirror and just as soon as I was done tying up my Doc Marten's there was a knock on my apartment door.

I took in a deep breath and walked over to open the door, and there was Jon. He actually looked kinda cute. He just wore a black tight fitted V-neck T-Shirt, black jeans and his black and white Adidas shoes. His wavy dark blonde hair rested just at his shoulders His silver hoop earrings just like the ones that Chris used to wear had me doing a double take for a moment as he flashed me that smile of his.

"Hi," He says and looks at me up and down for a moment.

"Hi," I smile shyly at him and we stand there for a moment.

"I'm sorry... I didn't know where we were going so..." I say and glance down at myself for a moment and adjust my shirt a little.

"No, no... you uh... look really good..." Jon flashes that smile at me again and I look back up at him.

"You ready?" He asks sweetly.

"Yea..." I smile back and head out the door with Jon Bon Jovi. 

*****

We ended up going to a smaller club in downtown Seattle and it definitely was not a place I've been to before, grabbed a table and started with a few drinks. I felt really weird at first because Jon had a few girls come up to him already as we were sitting and talking, not necessarily groupies, but just fans of his of course. It was really out of my element for sure. I was used to it when it would happen with Chris, but it rarely did, and when it did, they weren't as flirty or in your face. I don't know how to describe it. So as Jon made small conversation with them for a few minutes, I decided to just have another drink.

It just felt weird, being in a club setting was also not my style either. The band that was playing seemed a little like a Bruce Springsteen knock off or something. Of course that would be something Jon would pick, but whatever. I'm just trying to enjoy myself. After the girls left Jon did eventually turn his attention back to me.

"Sorry... " He smiles at me and takes a sip of his beer.

"Don't be sorry... it's fine," I say and take a sip of my drink.

"So..." Jon trails off and leans forward on the table a bit, his eyes nonchalantly flicking over my body.

"So...?" I repeat after taking a sip of my Jack and Coke and setting it down on the table.

"What do you normally do for fun...? " He asks.

"Fun? I don't know really. I just hang out at home... work..." I trail off and take another sip of my drink.

"Uh huh... so this isn't really you type of thing is it?" Jon says gesturing to the crowd as they danced away to the Bruce Springsteen wannabe music.

"Well, this place? No, it's not my type of thing," I say and take another sip.

"Ok... where do you normally go for drinks? Or a date I guess," Jon chuckles flashing me that smile again making me giggle.

"Well, my type of place would be either The Central or The Fenix Underground. They uh, usually have some really good metal bands playing at the Fenix," I say.

"Ok well why don't we go there?" Jon says. I suddenly started to feel that weird pang in my heart. I hadn't been to The Central or the Fenix underground since long before Chris and I split up. I always avoid those places now because it reminds me way too much of -

"Um... well I don't think you'd like it there..." I say pulling myself out of my memories.

"It's not about me darlin'... I want to make sure you're having fun..." Jon says sweetly in his New Jersey accent.

"If you buy me another drink... That would make it more fun?" I smirk avoiding the question of him asking me to go to those places where I really don't want to.

"You got it, " He smirks at me and gets the attention of the waitress, and orders us yet another round of drinks. I'm already feeling quite tipsy so I figure, why not another one?

*****

As the night went on, I was really starting to feel the drinks and I wasn't even paying too much attention to the music anymore. Jon was really flirty and actually making me laugh, so it made the bad Bruce Springsteen wannabe seem not as bad. Jon was being really cute and It was like he made me feel like I was the only one in the club with him. After a while though, I decided that I really needed to go home before I started to get too drunk.

"Why don't you come back to the hotel with me...?" Jon asks and takes a sip of his beer.

"What...?" I say a little shocked but giggle as I take a sip of my Jack and Coke.

"Just to hang out... I swear," Jon chuckles.

"Uh... I don't know... I think I just need to go home..." I say and take another sip.

"You sure...?" He asks.

"Yea... yea I'm sure..." I say and take the last sip of my drink. He takes the last sip of his beer and looks at me as he sets the bottle down on the table.

"What...?" I ask feeling like he wanted to ask me something.

"Nothing... nothing uh... let me take you home then," He says. I get up from the table and walk with him out of the club, his hand touching the small of my back as we walk outside onto the sidewalk and I don't know what came over me but I suddenly changed my mind.

"Ok, yea," I say and Jon looks at me.

"Yea?" He smiles.

"Let's go to your hotel room," I say as I look up at him and he flashes that smile at me.

*****

A short while later we arrive at his hotel room, and it was the biggest room I had ever seen. It pretty much looked as big as my apartment alone, with a large king size bed off in one corner, a bathroom that had a Jacuzzi tub and a bar that was stocked like you wouldn't believe.

"Um.. would you like another drink or..." Jon asks as he closes the hotel door behind us.

"Um... sure..." I say as my eyes wonder all over the room. He walks over to the bar and pulls out a bottle of wine, pours himself a glass, and pours me one as well, then walks back over to me and hands me the glass. He clinks his glass to mine and I take a sip.

"It's a quite a big hotel room," I say nervously trying to think of something to say.

"Yea... it's pretty nice," He says. We look at each other for a few moments and I take another sip of my wine. God I have no idea what in the fuck I'm doing here.

"Jon...?"

"Yea...?" He says quietly.

"What made you ask me out...?" I ask looking down at my glass of wine for a moment.

"Um... well you're cute... and you look incredibly sexy tonight... and for some reason... you intrigue me... I just wanted to get to know you more than just an assistant..." Jon says and I giggle though I don't look up at him. He moves closer to me setting his glass of wine down on the table that was beside the little love seat in the room.

"I'm not looking for a relationship..." I say still looking down at my glass.

"I know... I figured that..." He says and I look up at him.

"and I'm also... not a groupie..."

"I know... you usually have to be a fan of the band to be a groupie..." He chuckles as I smirk, and he comes even closer. He smells so sweet, like a mixture of masculine and musk. I have to admit, his scent was really, really enticing. Jon takes my glass of wine, sets in down on the table and turns back to me placing his hands on my hips and pulling me closer to him, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.

His lips felt so soft and tasted of sweet wine. His lips move with mine for a moment and by pure habit, I begin to suck on his bottom lip. I just wanted to be able to kiss someone with no feelings at all. I didn't want to think about anything other than just having fun. I don't know why I can't just let it go.

This is how it started with Kenny. All I wanted to do was move on from Chris and I ended up falling in love with him. Once that also failed miserably, I just wanted to be that girl that doesn't have feelings. But who the fuck am I kidding? Every time I do this, feelings end up happening. I mean this is Jon Bon Jovi here. There are so many girls that would kill to be in my position right now but... 

His lips break away from mine, moving to my jawline and to my earlobe. With my eyes closed, I try to let myself just feel the moment and not think too much. His lips do feel so good against my skin.

God damn it I just want to fuck... it's been so goddamn long... ugh! 

He brushes my curls away from my shoulder, softly nibbles my earlobe and pulls me closer into him, his lips softly trailing back down my neck, his hands on my hips and slowly trailing up my sides and under my shirt. I exhale softly as his fingers trail up a little further, brushing gently across my bare breast when suddenly my eyes flick open.

Just what in the hell am I doing? I'm not even remotely attracted to Jon... ok well maybe just a little bit, but what in the fuck am I doing?

I need to make it right again. Leaving Chris was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. 

"No, Jon...wait...stop," I say and pull myself away from him. He opens his eyes and looks at me confused.

"What...? What's wrong?" He asks with his brow furrowed, his hands dropping from under my shirt and resting just at my hips.

"I... I can't do this..." I say as he looks into my eyes and I can feel my tears bubbling up.

"Andi...?"

"I have to go... um... thank you... for a lovely date. You are so sweet and... I just - I have to go," I turn away from him, his hands attempting to reach out to me but I'm too quick for him as I head to the door.

"Andi...?" He says still confused but, I head out of the hotel room before he convinces me to stay. I wanted so bad to be that girl but, I just can't anymore. I quickly make my way downstairs and call a cab. It was 11:00pm so I'm pretty sure I still had time.

The whole time I sat in the back of the cab I tried so hard to not break down and cry. I needed to be strong for this. A short while later, I arrive at my destination. I pay the cabbie and get out of the cab and make my way up the driveway, up to the front porch but stop myself just before I knock on the door. 

What if this is a mistake? What if I'm too late?


	5. Just An Anchor On My Heart

Seattle Washington, July 20 1995

Chris

"Come on Chris...you should just come out... have a few drinks with us man," Jeff Ament says as he makes his way closer to the front door.

"I don't know... I was just gonna work on some stuff downstairs," I say as I walk Jeff to the door.

"Dude... you've been cooped up in here for a while man... when was the last time you just hung out and had drinks with us...?"

"Last night," I smirk.

"No, man I mean... out in public..." Jeff says and I laugh.

"Come, on man it's your fuckin' birthday... we gotta celebrate," Jeff says slapping me on the shoulder. I think he's had a few already.

"Well fuck... I'd have to go and get ready... " I trail off as I look down at myself in my black 90 logo track pants and my white fitted tank top.

"Fuck that, just come out..." Jeff says.

"Ugh! alright, alright... I'll come out..." I say as Jeff smiles at me and pats me on the shoulder. I quickly grab my keys and head out the door with Jeff.

*****

I make my way with Jeff down to The Central which seems to be our pretty much go to bar. You think because we've played here so many times that we would be sick of seeing this place but nope. I love coming in here. Everyone who works here still remembers us and it makes it more like a second home if you think about it.

Fuck it seems like a fucking lifetime has gone by, yet everything in here is still the same. The owner of the place has made one of the walls almost like a shrine to us and all the bands that have now 'made it' and moved on. There's a picture of me and the guys on that wall, pictures of Pearl Jam, Alice N Chains and even a few old ones of Andy and I with Jeff and Stone. It's cool to see but so weird at the same time, only because it was from so long ago.

We grab a table towards the stage area and meet up with Stone, which he seems to be already getting into the shots for some reason. I'm pretty much dead set on just having a few drinks but I'm not going to over do it. That was last night and holy fuck did I get drunk. I'm surprised I wasn't all that hungover today but... I'm just going to take it easy tonight.

A little bit into my first drink, I was feeling pretty good. It must be because I drank last night that I'm already feeling a buzz off this Jack and Diet Coke but hey... it's all good for me. Jeff was already bugging me about a group of girls that came into the bar and sat down at one of the tables that were across from us.

"Hey Chris... that little brunette over there is pretty cute... why don't you go up and talk to her?" Jeff says gesturing to her. I glance at her quickly as she sips her drink. She looked really young, like no more than 20 so she had to have a fake ID. Either that or I'm just old.

"Nah man I'm good," I say and take a sip of my drink. 

"Chris... come on, it's gotta be like... what... how long since you've talked to a girl?" Jeff says and sips his beer.

"I talk to girls all the time..." I say looking at him a little offended.

"I'm not talking about fans man... I'm talking about... you know," Jeff says and takes another sip. I look at the young brunette across from us and then back down at my drink.

"I'm good," I say quietly.

"Fuck... are you honestly gonna sit there and tell me that you don't miss... you know... being with a girl? You don't miss birthday sex at all - ?" Jeff asks me and I start uncomfortable.

"-Jeff, I don't wanna talk about that... especially with you," I cut him off and take a long sip of my drink.

"Jeff, just leave him..." Stone pipes in.

"Alright well... whatever then," Jeff says and takes the last sip of his beer, then heads to the bar for another.

"Thanks Stoney..." I say and pat him on the shoulder.

"No problem man.... Jeff can get a little pushy once he's had a few..." Stone says and takes another shot.

"You alright man?" Stone asks me after a few moments.

"Yea... I'm fine... just... I'm fine," I say and look down at my drink.

"Meh... dating's overrated anyways..." Stone says.

"Yea..." I say quietly.

"I mean... who wants to have a different chick every night or every other night or whatever... I have no idea how Jeff is like that... I mean you'd think he'd settle down at some point but..." Stone trails off and I suddenly couldn't help but think of Andi. Why the hell does she always have to pop into my head.

You would think after over a year of being apart, I would be over her... but I'm not. No matter how hard I try to just drink her away and throw myself into my music, She's there...right in my head and I can't get her out. I still miss her. I miss everything about her. Her beautiful soft pale skin... the way she would look at me with those beautiful dark chocolate brown eyes... the way she would laugh at my stupid jokes... the smell of her perfume that lingered in the air when she would pass me in the hallway... The feeling of her body as I held her in my arms...

Jeff isn't wrong though... I mean I should get out there more and try my hand at dating other women. Not to say that I haven't. After Andi left - when I found out from Kim that she had started seeing Kenny Hickey from Type O Negative - I did go out with a couple of girls. One girl in particular was amazing and so sweet, but it wasn't the same. She wasn't my type at all and I think I was trying to date someone the complete opposite of Andi just so that I wouldn't think about her all the fucking time, but it didn't work. 

I mean no disrespect to Kenny at all but dude... she's my wife. She's supposed to be with me, not you.

I can't blame her though I mean I was the one who ignored her and pretended everything was fine when it wasn't. I was the one who would just drink to cover up the fact that I had no idea how to deal with losing the baby.

After that I just gave up. I almost wish I could've moved to a whole other country where no one would know who I was.

"Chris...! have a shot..." Jeff says pulling me out of my thoughts and passing a shot of whiskey to me. I smirk and take the shot, trying to forget how much I miss her.

*****

A few hours later, I decide to head back home. I just wasn't into hanging out and drinking much tonight. I honestly just wanted to head downstairs into the studio on work on some songs. Get my head out of my misery for a bit. I throw my keys on the table and take off my tank top to feel a little more comfortable and make my way downstairs into the studio.

This is pretty much where I spend the majority of my time. Hell, I even eat down here too, though I know I shouldn't. The rest of the house is just so empty... kind of like a shell of it's former self. Most of her things are still here. She didn't take much when she left. The studio is the only place where it still feels like a home. I can just let myself go and let out all of my feelings of pain, anger, love, lust... all of those things that I feel I have to hide when I'm out in public.

I pick up my old Cherry Burst Gibson, the one with the Soundgarden decal sticker on the body, the one she loves the most, switch on my amp and pedal board and sit down to get comfortable on my stool. 

I still remember that day I woke up to her sitting on the floor in the bedroom of my old apartment, wearing my blue plaid shirt, looking at the guitar on it's stand, tracing her finger along it's body. God, she looked so beautiful the way she watched me play it, and how she was so shy when I offered it to her to play but she was so afraid. I knew that if I left the room she wouldn't be able to resist...

I start to slowly strum pulling myself out of that memory and then I just start playing anything that came into my head. I had been working on a song before Jeff dragged me out, and the paper still sat on the floor in front of me with all my scribbling's.

"...and all the sky went silent, cracked like glass and slowly tumbled to the ground..." I sing softly as I strum, then close my eyes and let the music flow through me.

"They say if you look hard.... you'll find your way back home... born without a friend... and bound to die... alone..."

Suddenly I heard a noise coming from upstairs, I flick my eyes open and stop for a moment to listen.

Nothing.

"Hmmm... weird," I say quietly and just as I was about to start playing again, I heard the noise again. It sounded like someone knocking on the front door. I look over at the clock on my desk and it was 11:35PM. Who the hell would be knocking this late?

Concerned, I get up from the stool, set my guitar back down on it's stand and run upstairs to answer the door.


	6. The Say If you Look Hard, You'll Find Your Way Back Home

Seattle Washington, July 20 1995

I take in a deep breath and shakily knock on the door. I stand at the door for a few moments but there's no answer. I knock even louder this time and stand there waiting for it to be answered. A few more minutes go by but nothing.

"Please be home..." I say to myself. I turn and look behind me for a moment and the cab had already left. I turn and look back at the door that remained closed in front of me and I immediately started to regret coming here.

Just as soon as I turned away from the door to make my way off the porch and make my long walk back to my apartment, drunk... but not too drunk, the door opens.

The light coming from inside the house lit up the porch like fire as I turn back and see Chris's silhouette standing in the doorway. We stand there looking at each other for what seemed like a lifetime... Chris only in his track pants, shirtless, his hair only a little curly but messy. He looked so amazing standing there in front of me, his eyes so blue, glowing in the darkness of his shadow like they always seem to do...and for whatever reason, it felt like I wasn't inside my body anymore. Suddenly, like time had slowed down, he moves towards me, bringing his hands up to cup my face in his palms and crashes his beautiful lips to mine.

The feeling of those beautiful lips on mine was like a fire burning from deep within my soul. The immense electricity that I feel, even from just one touch from him, is like nothing I have ever felt with anyone. This is what I was talking about. This is the feeling that I have missed for so fucking long. God damn, his lips feel amazing.

Without hesitating, he swipes his tongue across my bottom lip, devouring my mouth with a hunger from deep inside and in one movement, he moves his hands to my hips, hoisting to pick me up and wrapping my legs around his waist. With my arms resting on his shoulders, my fingers laced through his short curls at the back of his neck, he carries me into the house and slams the door, kicking it with his bare foot behind us.

Wasting no time, Chris carries me through the living room and up the stairs all the while I placed soft kisses on his earlobe, moving to his jawline as I held onto him the whole way. We reach the bedroom and he carries me over to the bed and sets me down, breaking from me for just a moment then crashes his lips to mine again as I lace my fingers through his hair once more, sucking his beautiful bottom lip that I love so much.

Oh fuck how I missed the feeling of him, the feeling of the passion between us that once somehow fizzled away, but is now coming back full force, like a storm brewing inside us. He aggressively rips down my leggings, taking my panties with them and I somehow manage to get them off all the while my Doc Marten's remained on my feet.

His hands grip my hips while his tongue plays with mine, he quickly breaks away from my lips, leaving me breathless for a moment, panting as he tugs at the bottom of my shirt, lifting over my head, revealing my naked chest to him, and tossing it across the room. Here I am, completely exposed to him with his blue eyes caressing the roundness of my full breasts. He eagerly kneels down in front of me, pushing me back, and pulling me closer to the edge of the bed. I bite my bottom lip as I cover my eyes with the palms of my hands, as he sensually takes off my boots, one at a time. Feeling his fingers move up my thighs, spreading my legs open for him and softly brushing his fingers over my entrance teasingly and sensually, prolonging the moment. Letting a slight whimper escape my lips, he finally softly kisses my clit.

My breath hitches as he wastes no time in getting to work. His tongue sensually licking, making me shiver every time he brushes my clit. I can't even put into words how good it feels. Fuck, how I've missed the way he can make my motor run.

With each flick of his tongue, it's like he never forgot how to make me quiver. Along with the fact it has been so long since anyone has touched me like this...

I let out a small squeal of pleasure, enjoying the feeling of his lips softly sucking, his tongue intermittently flicking and his fingers teasing my entrance with gentle stroking. It didn't take long before I started to feel the pressure build, cloying at my soul, begging for that moment to tip over the edge but I really, really did not want to finish just yet. I'm enjoying this way too much to let myself fall.

I knew I was close when I started to move around more. I let out another squeal, moving my fingers to entwine them through his soft short curls as he tried to hold me down to keep me from moving around so much, but I just couldn't help it... he just felt so fucking good. His one hand moved up my side and in between my breasts, his calloused fingers skipping across my skin as he continued to suck and flick my clit. I let out another pleasurable squeal as my fingers entwined through his while my other hand remained locked onto his hair, twirling his soft short curls through my fingers.

"Chris...Oh, fuck..." I pant as my legs began to shake. He moans, never taking his lips away from me as wave after wave of earth shattering orgasm took over my body. He never once stopped licking me as I let go of everything I held in for so long.

Once my breathing slowed down and my body became more relaxed, he lifted his head from between my legs, wiping his face with the palm of his hand. I didn't want to open my eyes, afraid that this was all just a dream. He moves up over top of me, placing his lips on mine. I could taste myself on his tongue but I didn't fucking care. What he did felt so fucking good, I want him to feel the same.

My hands went straight to his track pants, pulling the drawstring and eagerly pulling them down over his hips, excited to see the sight of him before me. I immediately flipped him over so that I was now on top, The sight of just how hard he is, is enough to get me going again. I gently trailed my fingers over the tip, getting comfortable on my knees as he lifts himself up on his elbows to get a better look. I lean down to him and place soft fleeting kisses up and down the length of him as I take him in my palm, stroking slowly but firm. I could tell he was enjoying me from the sounds he was making. I wanted so bad to turn him into a moaning mess just like he did to me only moments before.

"Fuck," Chris breathes as I take him full on into my mouth. He shivers as I swirl my tongue around the tip of him, my hand stroking the rest of what I couldn't get into my mouth.

"Shit... if you keep doing that... I'm not going to last long," He pants biting his bottom lip as he watches me work him. I smiled to myself but still I carried on, though it wasn't long before he started getting fidgety. I continued until he moaned one more time, then I let go of him and moved myself up to straddle him, his eyes never leaving me the whole time. He bites his bottom lip, his eyes flicking over my every curve as his hands move, trailing his fingers over my thighs, and landing at my hips as I guide him inside me.

Without taking my eyes away from him, I lower myself down as he throws his head back moaning, feeling the length of him inside me, sending shivers all over my body. I start to move, slowly at first relishing in the feeling of how he completely fills me up, how perfectly we fit together. He responds, my eyes flutter shut with his fingers gripping my hips, moving with my rhythm and letting me take over.

Then in one movement, I was back on my back, with him on top of me, my hands above my head, his fingers laced through mine. He thrusts into me over and over, my legs wrapped around him, not wanting to break away, matching his rhythm. The length and fullness of him inside me was enough to make me cum again. Burying his face in my shoulder, he thrusts harder and faster, his animal instinct taking over moaning and whimpering as I grip him.

We cry out together reaching the plateau of our climax and tipping over the edge at the exact moment, falling with each other and landing in each other's embrace. The weight of his warm body on top of mine feeling like the most amazing feeling that I can't explain. He wraps his arms around me tighter holding me as he keeps his face in my shoulder, his lips softly grazing across my collarbone.

We stay in each others arms for a little while and then he shifts himself on top of me, his palms on either side of my face as his Irish blue eyes look into mine.

"Hi," He says so cutely to me and gives me that smile that I've missed for so long.

"Hi," I giggle, he chuckles, and I bite my bottom lip as he continues to look into my eyes.

After a few moments he moves away from me and I didn't want him to let me go, but instead he pulls the blanket up over top of us and pulls me back into his arms . I rest my head on his toned bare chest as he fixes the pillow under his head to get comfortable, feeling him flex the entire time. I close my eyes listening to the sound of his breathing and the steady beat of his heart... a sound I never knew I missed until it wasn't there anymore.

I know that there are still unresolved issues between us and I know that I may regret this in the morning, but right now I don't care. I just want to keep this happiness that I feel right now, that I haven't felt for so fucking long, and listen to the sound of him gently falling asleep.


	7. Where Do We Go From Here?

Seattle Washington, July 21 1995

Early the next morning, I wake up to see the early morning light coming through the bedroom window. I groan a little and stretch, reaching over and I find that I'm in the bed all by myself. I flick my eyes open and rub them a little to rid the sleep, then sit up in bed. Pulling the covers up to my bare chest, I fix my hair that had obviously became a mess of a nest on my head. As soon as I was tying up my hair, Chris comes through the bedroom door, only in his red plaid boxer shorts, carrying 2 cups of coffee.

"Hi, baby," He smiles at me as I adjust myself to sit cross-legged, covering my chest with the blanket. I grin at him, not knowing what to say as he hands me a cup, and climbs up on the bed to sit cross-legged across from me. I take a sip of the coffee and it tasted so good. He always made really good coffee.

"You sleep ok?" He asks sweetly, his voice still a little raspy from sleeping. I love it when his voice sounds like that.

"Yea... better than I have in a long time..." I say quietly.

"Me too..." He says clearing his throat.

He takes a sip of his coffee and looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and I still don't even know what to say. I look down at my coffee that I held in my hand and I feel him looking at me, like he's waiting for me to say something.

"Chri - "

"Babe -"

We start at the exact same time as I look up at him and we both giggle.

"You go first," He says sweetly. I take a few moments and look back down at my coffee, trying to think of what to say.

"I uh... I don't know what... to say... I mean... " I trail off and start to feel nervous and I feel Chris looking at me still.

"Just say it... " Chris smiles at me sweetly. I can tell he trying to make me feel comfortable. I didn't know if we should get right into it but, I guess now is better than never.

"Last night... was so amazing. Fuck... I missed you so fucking much..." I start but still look down at my coffee.

"I missed you too baby..."

"But I honestly... well no, I do know why I came here... Uh... fuck this is hard..." I say still not looking at him and keeping my eyes on my coffee.

"Just say it baby," He says sweetly.

I take in a deep breath, look back down at my coffee and explain everything that lead up to me coming here last night. Since he already knew about Kenny, I told him how Jon asked me out after I started working for them as an assistant. I told him how he asked me to go back to his hotel room and how I said no at first but then changed my mind because all I wanted to do was just not feel heart broken anymore. As I was explaining myself, Chris was looking at me with his brow furrowing a little.

"I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left you... I didn't know how to deal with losing Lily... while I was loosing you at the same time... I felt like it was my fault for losing her..." I say quietly.

"What? Why would you say that? It's not your fault at all," Chris looks up at me and I can see his expression changing from calm to pained and concerned.

"I know... but at the time, and sometimes now I'll still feel it but, at the time it felt like my fault, and that's why I took it out on you. That's why I said that I hated you, because I really just hated myself," I say with my voice cracking.

"Baby..." Chris says quietly.

"Look... I'm not expecting you to take me back. I don't even know if that's what I'm asking for. I know I should've told you these things before, but... I just know that last night was the best night of my life with you, and I feel stupid that it took me so long to realize that it's been you that I've wanted all along," I say and look back down at my coffee.

There, I said it. I said pretty much everything I needed to say to him since the day we started to drift apart, and it feels good to get it out. Chris looks down at his coffee and I look back up at him, us both sitting in silence while he takes everything in.

"You're not with Kenny anymore?" He asks as he still looks down at his coffee.

"No," I say quietly.

"Jon Bon Jovi huh?" Chris smirks after what seemed like forever of sitting in silence with him. He looks up at me with the cutest smirk I have ever seen.

"Wanted... dead or alive..." Chris sings in a mocking southern accent with his eyes closed holding up his fist for dramatic effect which made me laugh.

"Chris..." I giggle.

"Does he still have that crazy '80's hair and spandex?" Chris smirks.

"Chris" I laugh.

"Oh and that flashy smile with all those white teeth that look so freaky... like he has too many?" Chris jokes and I start to laugh even harder.

"And that pouty face he always makes when posing or... whatever?" Chris laughs and I laugh to the point where I'm crying.

"Chris stop!" I laugh and wipe my eye from laughing so hard.

"I fucking love that sound..." Chris chuckles.

"What sound...?" I giggle.

"The way you laugh..." Chris says as my laughing dies down. I continue to giggle a little bit and he takes another sip of his coffee while I look back down at my coffee cup. We sit there in silence once again and he reaches out to take my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. It feels like no time has passed at all.

"So... where do we go from here?" I ask quietly looking down at his hand holding mine. Chris takes in a deep breath as he looks down at our hands together.

"Well... I think... you should move back in here... and be my wife as long as you still want to be my wife... " He trails off and looks at me setting his coffee cup down.

"I do..." I say quietly, feeling my heart flutter and trying not to cry.

"I know I've done and said some things to you that made you pull away... I know how much I've hurt you too... " Chris continues as I keep my eyes locked to his.

"Yea..." I say quietly and look back down at our hands.

"...but I love you more than anyone or anything in my life... and when you showed up on that doorstep last night, it was like... the world fucking stood still and I couldn't imagine my life without you again," He says looking back down at his hand holding mine still.

"Me either... I mean with you... like as in I can't imagine my life with out you in it again," I try to explain but fumble as he laughs. We then just sit for a few more moments in silence together. God this feels good, like I'm finally home.

"...god damn you looked so fucking gorgeous last night... those low rider pants and that Pantera crop shirt... fuck..." Chris sighs breaking the moment, closing his eyes tightly and I giggle.

"Did you seriously wear that for Jon?" Chris asks me and smirks.

"No! no, not for him... I just didn't know what to wear and... well... I'd rather not talk about my date with him thank you," I say and he laughs.

"That bad huh?" He smirks.

"Yea... well... no in the sense he was actually nice, but yea in the sense that... he's not my type at all," I say and he chuckles.

"What is your type then?" He grins, raising his eyebrow at me.

"Really Chris...?" I look at him and he laughs.

"Well... I don't know... you went out on a date with Jon Bon Jovi... I mean, I can't compete with that..." Chris jokes.

"Fuck you, yes you can... oh my god Chris..." I laugh and playfully shove him a little as he laughs. He then moves closer to me, cupping my face in his palms and presses his lips to mine. I swear, I never want him to stop kissing me.


	8. Turning Back Around

Seattle Washington Bad Animals Studios, January 10 1996

"Fuck it... we should just do this thing ourselves..." Chris says as he leans back in the chair, in the control room of Bad Animal Studios.

"You sure...? I mean we've done a lot so far... what about Mike - ?" Kim asks, sitting across from Chris with his guitar on his lap.

" - Fuck him... He makes everything so fucking complicated when it doesn't need to be..." Chris says irritated resting his leg across his knee, throwing his hand up in frustration.

"Well... ok, what... we're just supposed to produce it ourselves...?" Matt says in disbelief.

"Why the fuck not? The way this is going, we could've had the record done and put out already... it doesn't need to be this grand declaration of what Soundgarden should sound like...Soundgarden is us... it's me and you guys..." Chris explains. 

I, for one did not want to get in on the conversation. As soon as Chris is set on something, you know it's hard to change his mind. I just sat on the couch in the control room silently as I go over meeting schedules and different promotional radio interviews that were set up to take place in the next few weeks before the album is going to be released. The forecasted release date is set for sometime in mid May, but by the way the recording process is going, it's probably going to take longer. I'm just hoping the guys will be able to release it on time.

Chris and I are back together, full force. I have never been this happy and as much in love with him as I am right now. We are still working through everything with each other though we aren't perfect, but really who is?

About a couple of weeks after I moved back in, I was finally able to walk into that little nursery for the first time since that day I came home without my baby girl. I can't believe Chris kept that room the way it was for so long. I know it was hard for him too, but I just assumed that he would've had someone else take down the room or something. I don't know... I know he wouldn't have been able to do that either but I'm glad he kept the room for as long as he did. It allowed me to make peace with her and allowed me to finally let her go. I miss Lily every single day, that will never change. The room is empty... for now. Chris helped me pack up everything and we have it stored in the storage room off the Garage. I think Chris was waiting for me to be the one to finally let her go.

Kim and Selena broke up in the summer. Selena got a job offer back home in Ontario and since her father had fallen ill once again, she decided it was time to move back home and be close to her family. The offer was to run a clothing fashion chain of stores that made her more money than she could ever dream of here in Seattle. I miss her so much but we still talk every week to make sure we don't loose as much time as we did before. It was hard for her and Kim to break it off. Kim was in love but he tries not to let it show. It just wasn't meant to be... but he'll be ok. As for Matt and Ben... well they're still the same. Making music, having fun... same old, same old.

I've also been upgraded to Soundgarden's manager. Susan was finding it hard to juggle all of the bands that were under her management and so she called me in to her office one day, and I was thinking she was going to fire me for not showing up to "Assist" Bon Jovi for the rest of the recording of their album... but no, she called me in to promote me to manager which is actually pretty fucking cool.

Chris was all for it and the guys were happy about it too. I was scared as all fuck though. I didn't want to come in between the band and Chris especially, and I also didn't want personal stuff spilling into the professional side and vice versa. So far though, everything is actually going really good. I pretty much do the same shit that I did when I was a P.A but only this time I have to make bigger decisions, such as what recording studios to use, what tours to go out on and all of the financial aspects are on me now too. I was so scared to deal with the financial part of Soundgarden because Chris never really discussed money or anything with me. It's not like he hid anything from me, but now I'm responsible for how the guys get paid and how much each member is entitled to. It's just stuff I never knew before and now that I know, and I'm still learning to deal with it among other things, it's overwhelming but... the guys trust me and that's all I could ever ask for.

"... so are you suggesting we scrap the whole fucking thing?" Kim asks appalled at the way Chris seems so irritated.

"... no, no I'm just saying we should take Stone up on his offer and record the album at his studio... we'll keep the songs we've already done... which is only, Pretty Noose, Dusty, and Blow Up... and just finish the rest at Stone's... Adam says he'll still do the mixing so we don't have to worry about that," Chris says leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees.

"Well... I guess so," Kim says and leans back in his chair. Chris looks up at Matt and Matt nods as Ben just shrugs.

"Ok... sounds like a plan," Chris smiles and leans back in his chair.

Seattle Washington, Studio Litho (Stoney's Studio) January 23 1996

"... no man, I think we should try and move away from all that heavy riffing..." Chris says, his golden amber Gibson ES-125 resting across his knee and switching between tones on the pedal board while Kim gives him a confused look, sitting in the stool across from him.

"... what?" Kim asks in disbelief again.

"Like... just here... if we do Burden In My Hand like this..." Chris trails off, switching the pedal tones and starts playing the main riff to Burden In My Hand while Kim looks at him still confused.

"You know... and then it would go... 'Follow me into the desert as thirsty as you are.'.. you know like that...." Chris explains while he sings and Kim just looks at him, a little hurt but understanding. Kim is always the one who pushes for more of the heavy riffing, making their sound, more on the metal side.

"...you guys ok? We ready to start the tape yet?" Matt calls in from the control room, pushing the intercom button, while I'm once again sitting on the couch in the control room and basically just chilling, continuing to go over schedules and appointments while they do their thing. Since they decided to just produce the album themselves, and Matt has a lot of experience since he worked on some side projects in the summer time, Matt is basically recording them for now, since all of his drum tracks were already recorded at Bad Animal Studios.

"Yea... yea we're good," Chris says as he waves to Matt.

"Ok roll tape in 3...2..." Matt counts in and then Chris and Kim start in, playing the beginning riff in unison, but using slightly different tones with one another to create that stereo sound. They just had to lay down the guitar tracks for just a couple of songs and then starting tomorrow, Chris will lay down his vocal tracks. It looks like the album is on track for release which definitely takes a lot of stress off Chris and the guys.

But one thing that started happening is that Kim and Chris are arguing a hell of a lot more than they ever did before. Almost like they can't compromise on what they want the record to sound like. Chris wants to go into more of a melodic direction, using less heaviness and focusing more on vocal arrangements and melody where Kim is dead set on beefing it up with that familiar heaviness and metallic overtones that he always produced on their earlier albums. Right now they seem to be ok but I can tell by the look on Kim's face that he's dissatisfied at the fact that Chris is taking over more than usual on this record.

"... wait... no... I thought we decided on this way," Chris says gesturing for Matt to stop the tape stopping midway and Kim continues but the riff gets heavier each time he plays.

"Kim...hey..." Chris tries to get his attention and Kim stops abruptly rolling his eyes at Chris.

"Fuck Chris... why don't we just do things the way we normally do... I get that we need to evolve here, but fuck man, where's the fuckin' meat to the song here?" Kim says annoyed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Chris says offended.

I look up from my planner and see Chris and Kim blatantly arguing back and forth in the recording room and glance at Matt while Matt just shrugs at me.

"Are they ok?" I ask.

"They're bickering over parts," Matt says to me and I look back at Chris and Kim clearly arguing louder now.

"...but that's not how I wrote it!" Chris says angered.

"Since when the fuck does it have to be exactly how you wrote it?" Kim retorts.

"Since like... the beginning of fucking time... what the fuck?" Chris counters and looks at us in the control room with a disgruntled look, his eyebrows pulled together in annoyance.

"Fuck, I'm going out for a smoke!" Kim snaps and slams his guitar down on it's stand and storms out of the room, slamming the door.

"Fuck you!" Chris yells and Kim turns to face him giving him the finger, walking passed me angrily and out the control room door slamming that one behind him as well.

Matt looks at me just as confused as I am and shrugs again. I look in the recording room and see Chris lighting up a smoke, his guitar still across his lap.

"You take Chris and I'll handle Kim?" Matt asks me.

"Nah... I got it, I'll be back," I say and get up off the couch and head out of the control room.

*****

"Kim?" I ask when I walk outside the studio and see Kim leaning against the wall to the outside facing the street. He looks over at me with the cigarette between his lips, squinting from the smoke that arose from the end.

"Hey Andi," He says sweetly as I walk over to him.

"You ok?" I ask.

"Yea... I'm just... I'll be fine," Kim says leaning back against the wall, shifting his feet and looking down at the ground.

"I'm frustrated that's all" Kim says after a few moments and takes a puff of his cigarette, his long wavy black hair twirling in the gentle cool breeze as the light mist from rain dances around us.

"I get that we should try new things, and I'm all for it... but I just feel like anything I'm contributing is not what he has in mind or something... I think it should be just as heavy as our other albums but more so... like come on... but he wants to do this, and go in this direction or something... like... fuck," Kim exhales unloading everything, kicking the wall while I just listen.

"I'm sorry," I say offering a little smile as I lean against the wall with him.

"It's not your fault... we're just... both fucking stubborn sometimes..." Kim says and takes a drag of his cigarette.

"Yep," I say nodding my head and Kim looks at me, raising his eyebrow but then we both giggle.

"What do you think about the whole... sound?" Kim asks me exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Me...? Well... it's different but it's still you,"

"You don't think it needs to be heavier...?" Kim asks me taking another drag of his cigarette.

"Well... I don't know... I mean, you know me... I love fucking everything metal and shit... but sometimes, it's ok to pull back a little," I say, trying to make balance between Kim and Chris, I don't want to side with anyone. Kim nods at me and exhales a cloud of smoke. I think he realizes I don't want to be put in the middle.

"So... do you still want to come out with us tonight when we're all done here...?" I ask after a few moments changing the subject to lighten the mood.

"Well of course, it is your birthday after all," Kim smiles at me and I smile back shyly.

"Shhh... no it's not," I say with a giggle and Kim chuckles with me.

"Meet you inside...?" I ask after a few moments.

"Sure," Kim smiles at me exhaling a cloud of smoke and I move to head back inside

"Hey Andi..." Kim says and I turn back around for a second.

"Thanks, for uh... listening..." Kim takes another drag of his cigarette.

"Anytime," I smile back and head inside.

*****

I walk back inside the control room and I see Chris in the recording room still plucking away some random tune as I sit back down on the couch. Chris looks up at looking at Matt and I in the control room and shrugs, gesturing to know what going on.

"He's just having a smoke... he'll be back in a sec," Matt says pushing the intercom button and Chris nods going back to plucking his guitar strings. Kim walks through the door and I look up noticing that he is significantly less irritated than before and I'm so glad that he came back in. He looks down at me and gives me a wink and I smile back up at him as he makes his way back into the recording room.

Chris looks up from his guitar and sees Kim walk in. Kim grabs his classic Gibson firebird and sits down on the stool across from Chris. They look at each other for a few moments and I can see them both smirking at each other from the control room. Oh those boys....

"We cool?" Chris asks Kim.

"We're cool," Kim nods and Matt starts them back in.


	9. Taurus moon, Leo Rising, Moon Child Love

Seattle Washington, January 23 1996

Chris

"Chris...? Will you have another shot with me?" Andi calls over the blasting guitars and booming bass of Sepultura pounding through the stereo from the living room. Max Cavalera's vocals scream at me from the speakers as I make my way to the kitchen doorway.

Popping open the bottle of Jack Daniels and pouring a shot into one of the little shot glasses, she stands at the counter in her black and red plaid skinny jeans with the cuffs at the bottom rolled up over her Doc Marten's. Her hair down with her beautiful dark curls everywhere, but so cute, with her Sepultura band shirt that she, as usual, cut up into a tank to make it her own. I walk over to her, placing my hand on the small of her back as she pours a shot for me.

"Sure, baby," I smile down at her and she looks up at me with those big brown eyes and the cutest smirk on her face. She hands me the one glass and picks up the other for herself and clinks the shot glass to mine. We down the shots together and she doesn't even flinch as she sets the glass back down on the counter. 

After a long day at the studio, we decided to have a few pre-drink celebrations before heading out. The recording process of this record seems to be not going as planned. I mean its relatively easy compared to the last record, but the vibe doesn't seem the same. I mean yea, me and the guys are collaborating like we usually do, but it's just little hiccups and arguments like today that seem to become more frequent as the recording process goes on. I'm pretty sure once the record is finished, everything will go back to normal and we can head out on the road like we always do.

I'm so fucking excited to have Andi as our manager and she's doing such an amazing job. I can't wait for her to come out on the road with us 'cause I feel a lot more relaxed that Andi is our manager now. Not that Susan was doing a bad job, just... there were some questionable things that were taking place and I would rather have Andi taking care of us. It just makes sense.

Since we've reconciled I have never been more in love with her than I am right now. I'm just so fucking happy beyond words that we are able to work it out. It's like no time had passed and I swear I couldn't love her more than I do right now. She is my everything.

I still miss Lily very much, but since time has moved on... it doesn't feel like that aching heartbreak that once was there. Don't get me wrong, I'll always have a place in my heart for her, it's just no longer something that kills me like it once did. The fact that Andi blamed herself for loosing the baby, that was heartbreaking to hear her tell me that, but we are slowly but surely getting through it together, and that's all I could ever ask for.

So tonight to celebrate her 26th year on this earth, I'm taking her to the Weathered Wall Club for some much needed drinks and to see a band that Dave Grohl has started up. Since Kurt died, Dave has been obviously saddened from the shock of it all, but he has been able to press on and has started up a new band. I'm really proud of him for doing that. It takes a lot of confidence to go out on your own like that. I was never really close to Kurt, I mean it was so heartbreaking to hear that he killed himself. I remember the day Susan actually told us when it happened. It was when we were on tour in the U.K and we had just finished a show at the Manchester Academy. I was still so fucked up after Andi had left, that when Susan told us the news of Kurt's death, I was just numb at that point. Ben took it the hardest of all of us... he was just distraught over it... he was pretty close with Kurt. I just keep thinking that if he had just held on for like, I don't know, a few more months or so, he'd probably still be here and be a totally different person.

"You almost ready to head out?" I ask as I place a kiss on her temple.

"Oh yea, I'm ready," She says excitedly with a smile. I'm guessing those first few shots have her feeling pretty good.

"Well... let's go birthday girl," I smile at her and she giggles that cute little laugh that I love so much.

"Ok... wait..." She giggles and quickly pours herself another shot, downs it, bounces so adorably and turns around to head towards the living room.

"You good?" I laugh as I follow her out to the living room to find her singing along to Sepultura for a few more minutes.

"I am now," She says turning off the stereo and walking around the couch to lift herself up and place a kiss on my lips. Her lips taste of whiskey and I place my hands on her hips to bring her closer to me. Her lips are like soft pillows gently sucking my bottom lip like she always does which gets me going every time. All I want to do is take her right back upstairs and have my way with her but it's her birthday, so I can wait. But not before I trail my fingers up her shirt and around to her back pressing her beautiful body against mine. She's not wearing a bra again either... fuck, I love it when she does that.

"Ok... we gotta get outta here," She exhales when she pulls away from me and I lean in a little to touch my forehead to hers, dying to kiss her lips once more.

"You know we could just... skip the whole going out thing and I can... give you your birthday present upstairs..." I say trying to catch my breath, God damn I want her so bad.

"No, Chris... like you said, I'm the birthday girl... so let's go have some more drinks with everyone..." She giggles. I groan as she pulls away from me and heads to the door for her leather jacket. I follow her to the door, grab my black jacket and follow my wife out the door.

Seattle Washington, The Weathered Wall, January 23 1996

We arrive at The Weathered Wall in no time and as we head inside, everyone's waiting for us at the far table booth next to the stage.

"Andi!!!! " Jeff calls as I lead Andi over, my fingers laced through hers. She laughs as I look down at her, and Jeff starts in with a round of Happy birthday for her.

"Happy Birthday to you,

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Andrea....

Happy birthday to you,"

She laughs and covers her face with her palm, clearly embarrassed and shy that everyone is singing to her. I lean down to her and place a kiss on her forehead as she leans into me almost trying to hide. God damn she is so cute.

"Ok, ok... stop," She giggles as everyone cheers and we take a seat together in the booth across from Kim and Jeff, my arm resting on the back of the booth as she moves closer beside me.

"Birthday shot!" Jeff exclaims and slides a shot glass of whiskey (Jack Daniels of course -if you haven't guessed, that's her favorite) to Andi. Somehow it always seems to be Jeff to be the one with a bottle passing out shots, but hey... that's just Jeff.

"Hey what about you guys?" She says.

"Birthday girl first," Jeff says. She looks up at me for a second and I just shrug. She then takes the glass and swiftly downs it, without so much as a flinch and sets the glass back down on the table. Jeff just laughs and pours her another.

"Hey, hey... are you trying to get me drink er- drunk," She slurs a bit. I don't think he realizes we were drinking at home before we got here.

"Whoa Andi... I think you're drunk already," Jeff teases.

"No I'm not... I'm just... glowing," She smiles and I chuckle as everyone laughs.

"That you are my dear," Jeff smiles and pours himself a shot. He offers me one but I decline. I don't want to get too drunk, I still have to drive her home.

"Ok on 3 then...?" she smirks as she hold up her glass.

"On 3..." Jeff raises his glass to hers.

"Ok, ok... 1... 2... 3!" They count together and then down their shots, Jeff flinching at the sour mash taste, but Andi sips it just like water, with no reaction at all and sets the glass back down.

"I have no idea how you're able to do that but fuck... I commend you my love," Jeff says still flinching a little and she giggles that cute little laugh. She turns and looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes, leans in and places a kiss on my earlobe, sending unbelievable shivers down my spine. She 's not making it easy for me here, god damn it.

"What band is supposed to be playing again?" She asks when she pulls away from my earlobe and sips another shot that Jeff poured once again.

"It's Dave's band... Foo Fighters," I say looking down at her and grinning.

"Oh, ok," She says cutely finishing the shot and setting the glass down in front of her.

"Alright... you guys ready to rock?" Dave says up at the mic as the rest of his band piles out on stage and we all cheer for him.

"Ok... this is 'I'll Stick Around'..."

"Holy shit... I had no idea Dave was so good at... you know... being up front," Andi slurs a little bit and I chuckle.

"You like it?" I ask her leaning into her ear so she can hear me.

"Yea! yea I really do!" She smiles back at me, leaning into me so I can hear her, then pressing her lips to mine, tasting that sweet sour whiskey on her lips. I wish there were words to describe how good her lips feel against mine but I swear, I could kiss her forever and never stop.

*****

After watching Daves band rip it up tonight, it was finally time for me to take Andi home. As much as I love hanging out with the guys and everything, especially for her birthday, I'm fucking exhausted from today and I think she is too.

I was kinda worried she had a little much to drink as I walked her to the car, she stumbled a few times and laughed hysterically but I just couldn't help but laugh with her. She is so adorable, especially when she is drunk. She clung on to me with the last little stumble she took, pressing her face into my shoulder.

"Mnmm... Chris you smell so good... like such a man... like a 'manly' man... not that you're not a 'manly' man... you are... just, you smell so, so good..." She giggles.

"Uh huh...? Thank you...? " I reply laughing a little as I help her to the car. Once we reach the passenger side, she pulls me down into the passenger side with her, her arms still around my neck, and presses her soft lips against the spot just under my earlobe. I close my eyes for a moment, feeling the tingle of shivers running through my body as she lingers there for a few moments.

"Baby... hey...not yet... I still gotta get you home," I breathe and she giggles that cute little laugh again, reluctantly letting go of me leaning her head back on the seat. She bites her bottom lip as I help her buckle her seat belt, watching me as I close the passenger door and walking around to the drivers side. I climb in behind the wheel and see her looking at me, her head still resting back on the head rest, with slightly droopy eyelids.

"So... so... good," She mumbles giggling to herself.

"Oh, babe... you are..." I chuckle and start up the engine.

*****

I pull into the driveway with a sleepy Andrea in the passenger side. She had fallen asleep on the way back home, which kind of amazes me since it wasn't really a far drive to the venue in the first place, well it didn't seem like a far drive, maybe 25 minutes. I turn off the ignition and sit in the car with her, her face turned towards me as her chest rises and falls slowly, sleeping so soundly. I grin at her as I move a few stray curls that had fallen across her face, she stirs slightly but doesn't wake.

"Baby..." I say quietly but she still doesn't wake. I smirk and get myself out of the drivers side, walk around to her side, open the door and reach in to unbuckle her seat belt. She groans a cute little moan waking up a little, as I swiftly move her out of the passenger side, her arms reach up and wrap around my neck as I help her out of the seat, her arms never leaving me as I steadily walk her to the door of our house.

"So... good..." She mumbles cutely as she still holds on to me, nuzzling her nose into my neck. I unlock the door and help her inside but she still stumbles a little making her way through the door. She laughs a sleepy laugh and I laugh with her and then I just decide to carry her the rest of the way to our bedroom.

I set her down on the bed as she wobbles just a little and I kneel down in front of her to help untie her boots.

"Chris... you're so... so good to me... you even carried me to the bedroom," She slurs. I look up at her and chuckle as I move to the other boot to untie it.

"I try..." I say and slip off her boot.

"And you smell so... so *hiccup* so good," she giggles.

"I kinda figured that," I laugh at her hiccuping. I haven't seen her this drunk in a very long time and I have to say I kind of like it. She leans forward and touches her forehead to mine, her curls falling down around us, placing her hands round the back of my neck and threading her fingers through my hair. Funny how it used to be my curls that were always everywhere.

"Did I ever tell you... how much... I love your *hiccup* bottom lip," she says closing her eyes and giggling at her hiccup again.

"Yes baby... " I chuckle. She moans and I couldn't tell if she was thinking of my lip or she was falling asleep again. Either way, she is so unbelievably adorable right now. I move my hands to the bottom of her shirt and pull it up, helping her out of it as she raises her arms above her head, revealing her beautiful bare chest to me, though her eyes remained closed.

"Chris..." She says, her eyes still closed.

"Yes baby?" I say looking over her beautiful body.

"I'm really drunk..." She slurs and then giggles.

"Are you ok?" I chuckle as I move my hands to her silver studded belt to unbuckle her jeans.

"The room is spinning," She slurs a little, her eyes still closed.

"Are you going to throw up?" I ask a little concerned.

"No," She shakes her head slowly, her dark curls bouncing with her and lays back on the bed giggling. I smirk as I unbutton her jeans and help pull them down over her hips, revealing her black lacy panties.

"That tickles..." She laughs as I push her jeans down to the floor. I move away from her for a moment and lean down over her to help move her further up the bed to the pillows. She laughs so cutely as I help her get under the covers.

"Chris... wait... where are you going?" She asks when I move away from her.

"I'm just going to get you some water and I'll be in ok?" I smile at her. She pouts at me as I disappear out of the bedroom, head downstairs, grab some water and by the time I came back she had already fallen back to sleep. I smile at her as I set the glass down on the table beside her and I take off my clothes, setting them down on the chair. I then move over to my side of the bed, climb in behind her, draw her into my arms and press her body against mine. She moans as she snuggles further into me and I place soft kisses along her neck, up to her earlobe.

"Happy Birthday baby..." I whisper in her ear and she sighs, snuggling even more into my arms. Suddenly, without warning, I feel this overwhelming feeling of pure love for her in this moment and I couldn't control what came over me next.

"...she can do anything at all... have anything she pleases... the power to change what... you think... is wrong... but what could you want with me...?" I softly start to sing to her, my lips barely grazing her earlobe as she shifts a little in my arms, sighing so softly.

"...you have the daylight at your command...you give the night it's dreams... you can uncover my darkest fear... make me forget I... feel it..." I sing quietly to her and she giggles that cute sound that I love so much.

"... wait... just one minute more... I can see that you're trying to free... me..." I trail off and she turns to look up at me.

"Chris...?" She breathes and bites her bottom lip. I look into her beautiful brown eyes and she completely makes me fall under her spell.

"Shut up and make love to me," She giggles. I laugh, turning her over to lay on her back as I place my palms on either side of her face and hungrily press my lips to hers.


	10. Only Bending When You Break

Toronto Ontario Canada, July 16 1996

It's been a few months since the recording of their album, that they named 'Down On The Upside', which was released in May. This time around, they really wanted to pull back a little from so much touring and being on the road so there are only just a few dates scheduled for Canada and the U.S this year. Everything seems to be going on track, but there's a different feeling in the air. The overall vibe between Kim, Matt, Ben and Chris has changed.

Chris and I are doing amazing. We are still so much in love and half the time, still can't keep our hands off each other. But now it seems that there's tension between the band. It's hard to explain. They seem pulled away from each other almost like they don't even want to be in the same room with each other let alone on the same bus anymore. The Much Music interview that's set to take place today, I had to practically beg... well no, not beg... try my hardest to get them to agree to it and even then, it was only Chris who decided he would just do it and get it over with. Some days I regret ever agreeing to be their manager. I swear, when I was just their P.A, it wasn't nearly as hard to get them all on the same page. Now, it's like so different. I can feel the tension between them all, especially Ben. He's so distant and removed it's hard to even get him to talk. Well... it was always hard to get him to talk but even more so now. It's just a very different vibe from all of them and I feel caught in the middle. Especially when they all start arguing.

The arguing that was happening when they were recording, pales in comparison to the arguments that have taken place on this tour, and we haven't even been on the road that long. Like just the other night everyone was obviously tired from travelling on the road, even I was as well. The hotel was booked in Barrie Ontario, cause they had just played at Molson Park, and the tour manager was supposed to set it up for all separate hotel rooms. Me and Chris in one room, then Matt, Ben and Kim all have their own. Well that didn't happen and Matt Kim and Ben all had to share one room and Chris and I got another. Well fuck if it wasn't Ben who was the one who made a huge deal out of nothing.

Yea I know... Ben... like really? The one who you can't even tell if he's in the room at all because he's so quiet.

Well, he flipped and just started ranting to me about how much he hates the fact he can't have his own room and how I should've made sure that our tour manager knew what they were doing and double checked 'every single fucking thing on that itinerary thing or whatever' - his quote not mine.

As much as I attempt to keep everything on track and make sure everyone is doing their job, along with setting up interviews and trying to promote the shit out of this album for them, to have Ben, of all people scream at me the way he did just pissed me off, which in turn made Chris pissed off and now Ben and Chris aren't really speaking and getting along and I'm stuck in the fucking middle, or I feel that way anyways.

So right now we are on our way to Much Music for Chris to do the interview and since Much Music Headquarters is just 3 blocks away from the Opera House, Kim Matt and Ben are heading there early for some drinks and a sound check before taking the stage.

"Ok... so, you have the interview ... then there's your sound check and the concert tonight at the Opera House..." I say sitting at the table on the tour bus and checking off appointments and interviews from my schedule that sat in front of me.

Chris sits across the table from me, plucking the strings of his jet black acoustic Martin D-28 Marquis.

"The Opera House...? I thought you said it was the Hippodrome ...?" Chris asks looking up at me for a moment.

"No... You're thinking of the next one," I giggle a little and he just gives me a confused look and then goes back to plucking the strings on his guitar. I raise my eyebrow at him and then go back to the schedule.

"I could 'a sworn you said The Hippodrome," Chris says still watching his fingers as he plucks the strings.

"No babe... The Opera House," I give him a cute smirk but he doesn't look up at me.

"What does it even matter...? I mean, by the time we remember where we are, we're on to the next city anyways," Ben mumbles as he leans back in the seat re-tying up his boot. Chris shoots him a look and then turns his attention back to playing. 

"Let's just get this over with so we can do the show tonight and then crash out til we reach... wait... where is it that we're going next...?" Kim asks puffing on a cigarette.

"Quebec City... The Hippodrome," I say and close up my planner.

"Fuck, so that's what... like.. - "

"A 9 hour drive," I say to Kim.

"And we don't have any stops between here and there?" Kim asks.

"Nope," I say. Kim rolls his eyes at and continues with puffing his cigarette. Yes Kim you will have to spend a whole 9 hours on a bus...jeeze.

Much Music Headquarters

Interview transcribed from Much Music Television - VJ Host, Juliette Powell

J.P: ... alright and we're back... I'm Juliette Powell and here I have with me... the very wonderful... Chris Cornell from the band Soundgarden...

(Crowd Cheers)

Chris: "Thank you,"

J.P: So for those of you who just joined us, we were discussing the cover of Rusty Cage that Johnny Cash has released on his album Unchained... now who would have thought that Johnny Cash would have covered one of your songs too? I mean we have a little soundbite here...

(Plays Johnny Cash Cover of Rusty Cage)

Chris: Yeah, I never would have thought, especially that song. That was great.

J.P: It's amazing... Did you even know that he was trying to record it?

Chris: A couple of years ago, his producer asked if I wanted to do an arrangement of that song that he could do...

J.P: Rick Rubin?

Chris: Yeah, and I tried, I sat down and tried a little bit, but I just couldn't hear it really. Lyrically I could hear it, but his style of playing and song writing is really kinda a different genre and as much as I was a fan of his I just couldn't naturally do it. And I'm glad that I didn't because what they did with it is so much him, it sounds like a song he could have written. Which is great, which is the way it has to be.

J.P: Who changed it around for him then?

Chris: I have no idea. I just heard a few months ago that they had done it and I was like, "Okay, fine."

J.P: in your opinion they did a good job?

Chris: Yeah, much better than I would have done.

J.P: Ok... we're gonna get to some questions from your fans right now... so the first question is from Paul Wisely of Brighton. He asks: since Soundgarden are renowned for being a moody band, how do you put up with each other's moods?

Chris: Well, we're always all dour at the same time. And if one guy's happy, we make him leave the room until he comes back in a bad mood like he should be.

(all laugh)

J.P: Sarah Fitch from Birmingham wants to know if being married to your manager causes any problems?

Chris: The bottom line is, most musicians give 50% to their manager and I just give it straight to my wife!

(all laugh)

No, the only problem is when there's a situation where I'm between her and the band. If I think she's wrong I'll defend the band, and if I think the band's wrong I defend her. There's been a lot of situations where I've felt like I've been in the middle, but it's never come to much.

But the band's always been so cool about it - it was their idea to begin with. Probably the hardest part has been going home with her, because in a normal situation you're away from the band, but we'll always end up talking about Soundgarden, usually because of me anyways...

J.P: Paul Trant from Reigate wants to know what you love and hate most about being in Soundgarden?

Chris: I love making records and playing shows some of the time. I hate the decision-making, like merchandise, record packaging, meeting with lawyers to talk about getting sued, tax - all the things you have to do to protect yourselves and make sure the corporation is working okay. Things you never thought you'd ever have to do in a rock band, which ends up being the stuff you have to do all the time.

J.P: Tim Maidstone says he has noticed that you wore a fork around your neck for several years - why?

Chris: It was given to me by the late Shannon Hoon, who fashioned it out of a fork he got in Denny's on the first tour Blind Melon ever did, which was opening for us. I really liked it, but I stopped wearing it after he died. Because the other thing I wore was this ring that belonged to Andy Wood, who died. It's like, 'I don't wanna wear these fucking things from people who died....

A girl outside the hotel tonight had a similar fork, and I've had people throw them on-stage. I've seen hundreds of those forks, but it always reminds me of Shannon. They're making them cos they're thinking of me, but really it's him. Which is cool.

J.P: Alright... and finally, Jason Barmouth from Hull wonders how you feel about being a sex symbol for gay men?

(crowd ooohs , laughs and gasps)

Chris: I think it's wonderful. The only problem is, I've done my best to get in touch with my feminine side, and it turns out my feminine side is a lesbian. So I'm stuck with women for the rest of my life!

(Crowd laughs) 

J.P: Ok...(laughs) we are going to cut to a video here... Pretty Noose the first single from Down On The Upside... now... Pretty Noose... what were you going for with that title? Does it have a significance or -

Chris: - It's just sort of an attractively packaged bad idea, pretty much, something that seems great at first and then comes back to bite you. (laughs)

J.P: Alright... well here it is... Pretty Noose, right here on Much

*****

After the interview with Much Music was done, Chris was so sweet and stayed a little bit longer, in the Much Music Environment to sign a few things and meet with some fans.

Some of those questions were hilarious and they way Chris answered them... oh my god... Sometimes I wish he would talk more to interviewers because he's so reserved and then there's times like this where... I'm not expecting him to be so... talkative... anyways. He's just so unpredictable sometimes but I love him for it.

After that, we then headed down to The Opera House for a quick sound check and the usual hang out before the show in the dressing room.

As soon as sound check was done, we head in the dressing room and Chris walks over to the little fridge and immediately grabs a beer, pops it open and take a sip. Once again, the overall vibe of everyone is still off. Everyone is quiet and no one is making eye contact with anyone. Even the sound check was off too. It almost seemed as if they all just wanted to get it over with. I just hope the actual performance tonight is different. I hate that everyone is like this towards each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The interview transcript was compiled from a bunch of different interviews that I just made to fit the story.


	11. I've Given Everything I Could

Chris

Hi,

Ok... what can I say without giving too much away just yet. Well I guess you mostly know from the beginning of this story that my band, Soundgarden, did break up. I'll just fill you in where Andrea left off at that concert that night. So the concert went fine... from what I can remember. I had started up drinking more at that point so it's a little fuzzy on what actually took place. A lot of that tour was fuzzy for the most part. I kind of remember being in the dressing room and just slugging back beer, trying to get into a mood where I could have fun. I mean, I love touring all over the world but at that point in our career, we had toured so much to the point where it felt like we were beating a dead horse. It had become so routine that it just felt like a machine, so I started up drinking again. It wasn't like I was bored... well maybe yea I was bored. I was sick of doing the same thing all the time. Go here, be here at this time, do this interview, go for soundcheck... blah blah blah...

Nothing against Andi at all, she was just doing her job, managing us and doing it better than I ever expected. Yea... there were times I was an idiot and took it out on her... but it's not like we were fighting all the time. Actually we didn't really fight, more like disagree... but she would never take sides and always remained neutral with the guys and me. I probably put her in the middle more than I wanted to and sometimes I'd be in the middle but we always worked it out. She always remained cool and always took all of our feelings into consideration.

The fact is, Soundgarden was falling apart. I think Matt was the one to notice it start around the time we were recording DOTU. It wasn't like there was drama though... we all just didn't want to be around each other. We had been a band for 12 years at that point, and that's a long fucking time to be practically married to 3 other guys, being creative and writing amazing music.

The last night of that tour when we played in Hawaii... fuck that was a major fucked up show. I was drunk, of course and Kim and I were arguing, then Ben and I started to argue before the show even started. So the tension on stage was just horrible. The only think I remember was when Ben smashed his bass, and stormed off the stage, Kim got pissed off and walked off so it was just me left out there all alone while Matt still sat behind his drum set as I went into a rendition of 'Black Hole Sun' with my Fender Strat.

I wish I could say that 'oh so and so had this horrible problem' and 'he is the reason why we ended' but that's not what happened. We were just tired, and we were having uncomfortable feelings about every aspect of being Soundgarden, but still, once you start making millions of records, things get out of hand. We kind of ended up becoming a band of fans and expectations. We could deal with that stuff, but at some point we stopped dealing with it very well, and we knew it was time to stop.

So, we all collectively came to a conclusion that for our sanity and for the sake of the legacy of Soundgarden we want to leave behind, we want to end it at a high point. We didn't want to become one of those bands that has like 'the final tour' for the 6th time in a row if you know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong I loved those guys to death... still do. They were and are my brothers, but we needed time away from each other, not just for a break during a tour cycle. We needed to explore other options and figure out where we could go from there.

On April 9th 1997, we announced through our fan club, making an official press release that we were officially calling it quits.

Then there was an article released in Kerrang which I will insert here:

Soundgarden have made the shock announcement that they have split up. A statement was issued last week, amid growing rumours of friction within the band. The statement, issued by the band's label, A&M, simply states:

"After 12 years, the members of Soundgarden have amicably and mutually decided to disband to pursue other interests. There is no word at this time on any of the members' future plans."

However, sources close to the band believe the tensions between bassist Ben Shepherd and the rest of the band - as well as artistic differences - might have played a part in the grunge legends' decision to call it quits.

A source close to the foursome said: "Kim said this had been coming for a while. They had actually been considering it since they were on tour earlier this year. They have not been happy for a long time."

Shepherd - it is claimed - walked offstage during the band's show on February 9 at the Neal Blaisdell Arena in Hawaii, which will now go down in history as their last ever performance.

The bassist is also said to have angered Soundgarden when, during a recent gig with side project band Hater in Seattle, he is alleged to have been involved in a fight with a member of the audience.

But frontman Chris Cornell's mum Karen denies there was trouble in the ranks. "It was all amicable," she says of the split. "They just needed to do something fun again."

Kerrang spent time on the road with Soundgarden in the last few weeks before they broke up, and saw no evidence of any major friction between the band members. In fact, they seemed very happy with their lot, which makes this decision even more surprising.

As for future plans, Cornell is likely to pursue a solo career, whilst Shepherd and drummer Matt Cameron will record a second album with Hater for release on A&M later this year. The pair have also contributed to the debut album from local band Wellwater Conspiracy, which will be released shortly in the US on Third Gear. Shepherd will also spend time working with another one of his side projects, Devilhead, who are signed to Loosegroove Records, owned by Pearl Jam's Stone Gossard.

So... as far as I was concerned at the time, I'm not sure who leaked that information, I was not impressed with the way that article came out.

And there was also a few other stories from other 'people' that said I went to Kim, Matt and Ben all separately, meeting them at their homes and saying that I wanted to break up the band and go solo. It wasn't just all on me, it wasn't a one sided thing. As I've stated before, we all decided to end it, and so for most of '97 and '98, I spent just trying to figure out who I was without the guys. Trying to figure out who I am as an artist without the support of 3 other guys who share the same ideas is weird and kind of lonely... cause it's all me. It was hard, and I started in that old pattern of drinking again, and ended up turning to prescription pills.

After an incident on that last tour, I smashed a guitar cause I was pissed off about everything and the fucking guitar wouldn't fucking work right. So when I smashed it, I injured my shoulder joint and didn't see a doctor right away, cause I'm stubborn as all hell, you know... and when I finally did, He just gave me some painkillers to take until it could heal... but it never really did. So at first, it was to kill the pain of my shoulder but then became something else entirely. I needed surgery to fix it, but that's a story for later on that we will get to.

But getting back to my point, through all that time after my band had fallen apart, Andrea stayed with me right there by my side, supporting me through it all. At that point I figured, if we can find our way back to each other after one of the most heartbreaking things we've ever had to go through, I know we are made to be together. The one thing I regret is not telling her about the pills in the first place... but we will get to that. 'Cause lets face it, I started to become a mess once again only this time she was determined not to give up on me. 

So before spilling too much of the story before Andrea tells the rest... I just love the way she tells it, and I'm sure you do too... I'm just going to stop it here and let her take over again. I've done enough rambling for a little while....


	12. Boiling Heat, Summer Stench

Los Angeles California 11 AD studios, July 18 1999

"Babe... can you hand me that... lighter... there, yea," Chris asks sitting at the control room desk with the soundboard in front of him. I grab the lighter from the small side table, hand it to him, as he then lights up a cigarette and I sit down in the couch across from him.

We were sitting in the studio with Amy Shiffer from Rolling Stone magazine, and she actually wanted to interview Chris and I together. I'm nervous cause I've never been asked for an interview before and it was weird for me. I mean, I still feel like I'm just his wife... not someone that's really important at all... ok not that I'm not important... I don't know how to explain it, but I hope you know what I mean 

" A lot has changed since... Soundgarden... the sound you seem to be creating is a little different... you look a little different..."

"My hair is different..." Chris smirks.

"Yes," Amy laughs

"Even my shoes are different..." Chris smirks.

"Really?" Amy laughs.

"Yea... like, my feet somehow got smaller or something... I don't know what happened... but I used to have bigger boots but now..." Chris trails off and chuckles and Amy laughs.

"Did anything else change?" Amy smiles

"No, nothing else got smaller," Chris raises his eyebrow with a sly grin.

Oh my god, Chris...

"Well at least your humor hasn't changed,"

"No... no, I'm pretty much still the same dry sarcastic asshole I've always been..." Chris smirks and Amy and I laugh.

"So... why a solo record...?" Amy asks and Chris raises his eyebrow at her, then looks at me and I shrug and looks back Amy and takes a drag of his cigarette.

"As opposed to what?" Chris remarks sarcastically exhaling a cloud of smoke which makes me giggle.

" I mean, was it a conscious decision to record an album that is vastly different from Soundgarden?"

"Uh... well no not really... I mean I've always been asked to do an acoustic album ever since I did 'Seasons' for the 'Singles' movie but I just never really wanted to do something like that... to me it just seemed cliché to go directly to acoustic after playing hard and heavy music for so long. 'Well he played metal for so long, he must want to do an acoustic album now' as if people are expecting it or something... so I decided to go in this direction. I mean, I've always been a fan of soul and bluesier types of music, and I did get to somewhat express that with Temple Of The Dog ... there's a few things I've written that wouldn't really fit in Soundgarden like certain Soul, R&B type songs.... and I really love to sing stuff like that so in a way it may have been consciously there but... it's more or less is just coming out that way," Chris chuckles a little.

"How come Soundgarden broke up?" Amy asks and Chris laughs a little awkwardly.

"Well... we had a good run... I mean we just produced our own album and uh... we were very proud of that and...everyone was involved with every part of it and it was a great experience... so we looked into the future and thought it's probably not going to be as good as this ever again so we decided just to stop it now... we're one of those bands who knows when to call it a day..." Chris smiles and Amy nods. I figured he didn't really want to get into the real reason but that's ok.

"So I've heard a few rough cuts of the album... some of which seem to be mournful but also there seems to be more focus on relationship type songs but obviously done in your style of writing. What made you change your focus...?"

"I wouldn't say I changed my focus... um... I've always written stuff like that... but it just wasn't something I ever thought worked for Soundgarden... I mean my wife can attest to that... I write stuff for her all the time..." Chris smirks and looks at me as I take a sip of my drink which suddenly made my insides flutter.

"Does he really?" Amy smiles at me.

"Yea," I say, taking a sip of my drink as she writes some notes down on her notepad.

"A lot of the songs that I've chosen for this album in particular happen to be inspired by her... like Can't Change Me, Flutter Girl, Mission, When I'm down... others are pretty much inspired by pretty much anything that happens to give me an idea," Chris adds.

"Flutter Girl was a song you originally wrote for the Singles soundtrack, wasn't it?"

"Yea... the title was from Jeff Ament... when he made up a bunch of song titles for the film... it was Matt Dillion's character - Cliff Poncier - had a demo tape or something for the band in the film Citizen Dick... and uh... I just started working on lyrics to go with those titles and Flutter Girl made me think of Andi... so that song, though intended for the film that was never used, was originally inspired by her... so I just re-worked it for this album..." Chris explains.

"Awe... that's amazing... so with Can't Change Me as the album's first release, was that why you wanted that as the first single? Because it was also inspired by Andi?"

"Well, no not really... the record label thought that it was a good first single as I guess it seemed more of a good first impression of what the album is like. It was another one of the older songs that I wrote, which was even before Soundgarden broke up..." Chris explains.

"That's so sweet... Um... so in the last year of Soundgarden being together, you took over as manager... but you decided to step back this time... what made you change your mind...? " She asks me.

"I just thought that it would be best if someone else took over. I still help in anyway that I can and obviously when Chris needs anything, I still do pretty much all the stuff I did when I was a manager sort of... I do help with some of the financial aspects still... but as for making management decisions... I needed to step back. I loved taking over management when it was the guys, but I just feel that when it comes down to it, it's better that it's not me."

"It just put a lot of stress on our relationship sometimes, we were really good at keeping business separate for the most part but, it was stressful for her to maintain all of this and then still be my wife at the end of the day... We're much happier this way and it's easier for her to turn off from the business side, much like me," Chris explains as Amy writes more notes down in her notepad.

"You two have been together for a long time right?" Amy looks at me.

"Yea, almost 11 years..." I say as Chris glances at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his.

"And you've been married for 8 of those years?"

"Yea... um... 8 years in August," I smile shyly.

"Were you a fan of Chris when you met him?" She asks me.

"Um... well, the first night I met him, I had no idea who he was. A friend of mine was the one who took me to see Soundgarden at The Gorilla Room... I had never seen or heard anyone like him before so... yea I was attracted to him instantly, and I loved the band right away, but I don't know if I'd say I was a 'fan' in the sense of I had their album or anything... I hope that made sense..." I say apprehensively and Chris smiles so cutely at me, his blue eyes gleaming.

"Yea, yea it does," Amy smiles.

"What bands do you like...?" She asks me and I was surprised she actually wanted to know more. 

"Um... well, obviously early stuff like Led Zepplin, Black Sabbath, Aerosmith... I really love Black Metal... bands like Behemoth, Satyricon, Mayhem..."

"Our first date was a Behemoth concert she took me too..." Chris smiles.

"Really? I wouldn't picture you as a Black Metal kind of guy," Amy says.

"Well, I wasn't really at first, but Andi was so into it and it was the first time I had ever heard anything like Behemoth... When she played that record the first time... it was like nothing I'd ever heard before... it was pretty cool..." Chris says and takes a drag of his smoke and I smile at him remembering that night. Fuck, I was just a kid back then, and I was falling so much in love with him.

"..and other bands like Pantera..." I trail off as I gesture to my Pantera - Fucking Hostile shirt that I was proudly wearing.

"You were a P.A for Pantera for a while in '94 weren't you?" Amy asks me.

"Yea, it was during the last leg of their U.S tour for their Far Beyond Driven album,"

"Wow, that's must've been crazy..." She says with her eyes gleaming.

"Yea, yea there were a few moments on that tour that was just... oh god crazy is a nice way of putting it," I giggle and Chris smiles at me.

"That was the same tour that Type O Negative opened for them right?" Amy asks.

"Uh huh," I say and try to keep my nervousness under control.

"Was Pantera really banned from playing at the Thomas and Mack Center because of that toilet paper incident with Type O Negative?"

"Yep. They were banned for 2 years after that. That was insane, they were in so much shit for that... god, I remember their tour manager Steve just screaming at them on the bus and they just thought it was the best thing ever," I giggle as Chris smiles at me remembering the incident. That was the craziest shit that I had ever seen. The place was just covered in toilet paper and somehow Kenny and Peter ended up with Ketchup and Mustard bottles and it turned into an all out food fight on top of the toilet paper mess. Fuck, it was awesome.

"Now... tell me if this is off limits... but the magazine wanted me to touch on it a little bit. Um... that same year, you guys also had separated , was that because of the music business...like did his touring and performing supporting Superunknown, especially if there were groupies, affect you at all? Or was it because you were so young? Or was it because you had received the opportunity to P.A for Pantera?" Amy asks looking directly at me and I felt my heart leap into my throat. It took everything I had to swallow it back down.

I hate being nervous.

"No... no it wasn't because of the music business... um...We had separated before I was a P.A for Pantera so that definitely was not a factor but there have always been groupies around, every band has that... but I wouldn't say it affected me in any way. I've always hated groupies... I know 'hate' is such a strong word but they always seem to have some sort of self esteem issue, and it's like they just act that way because of any band really. Since I'm a fan of different bands, and before I was a manager for Soundgarden, I used to get that label a lot... that I'm just a groupie 'cause I'm a girl that loves an aggressive genre and I'm in the music business around mostly guys all the time. I'm a metal head through and through, but I am not a groupie. I'm not there to hang all over you just cause you're in a band. I'm there because I love the feeling I get when I can just lose myself in the music. I work in the industry so it's an entirely different experience, " I explain.

"You also started dating Kenny Hickey from Type O Negative around that time... was he a factor in the breakdown of your relationship?" She asks me as she scribbles down a few notes and looks back up at me. My heart started to really pound at this point and I wasn't sure I wanted to answer that question. I didn't even realize that anyone really knew about our relationship.

"No... no Kenny was never a factor in that situation at all... um - "

I tried to explain myself but I didn't really know how to deflect the question. I wasn't ready to talk about that at all.

I glance at Chris and I could feel my cheeks begin to burn with nervousness and I was worried that it was making him uncomfortable and that's the last thing that I wanted to do. Chris and I never spoke publicly about what made us break up.

"We just needed some time apart... we had been together since she was 18 and a lot can change in that amount of time... you're not the same person at 18 as you are at 24... so sometimes it takes being alone to figure out who you are, you know... especially being with me... but we found our way back to each other and... well, here we are..." Chris says and takes a drag of his smoke and Amy seemed content in that answer thank god.

"...but.. um.. since I've been in the business side, I get a lot more respect now than I used to... Soundgarden was never a party band... they were never one to encourage groupie mentality to be around the band. His touring was never a factor because I've been on the road with him since I was like, 19 years old... Yea it was hard, especially when people wouldn't take me seriously because of my age... but the groupie thing and working for Pantera was never a factor in our breakup..." I continue, getting back to the original question and Amy writes some more notes down.

"Any children planned in the future?" Amy smiles looking between Chris and I and again, my heart jumped into my throat. Chris looks at me with an unsure look on his face. We haven't even talked about having children since Lily.

"Uh... maybe," I say with a small smile and I see Chris grin so cutely at me as Amy writes down more notes.

"Ok... um... so back to the music..." She says to Chris and looks up from her notepad.

"You wrote Wave Goodbye for Jeff Buckley right?"

"Mmm, Hmm,"

"Did he inspire your vocal style on this record?"

"A little yea... I had been a fan of his record 'Grace' since I first heard it and we met... fuck, it must've been 5 or 6 years ago now... and we just started hanging out and became close. He was so talented and we bonded over just music in general, pretty much... so yea, Wave Goodbye is for him..." Chris says as he looks down at himself for a few moments. I wasn't really close with Jeff but he and Chris would spend hours together in the studio of our place just hanging out and creating. Jeff was really sweet. I can tell Chris still misses him. It feels like a lot of the friends he makes always end up going away. It breaks my heart. The day they found Jeff in the river in Memphis Tennessee... (Chris was one of the first ones that Jeff's band mates contacted to tell him he died) Chris was devastated. I hadn't seen him like that since the day Andy died.

"So, why record in L.A...? is Seattle too doomy for another record from you?" She smiles.

"No... I don't know... just wanted a bit of a change of scenery... my friends let me borrow this studio here so I figured why not make a record here...?" Chris gestures, the smoke from his cigarette floating up to the ceiling, as he glances around the studio.

"What does that button do...?" Amy asks pointing to the red control room button (the one that lets you talk through to the recording room booth)

"It blows up the world..."


	13. Antifreeze And Aeroplanes

Cornell California, August 2 1999

Chris

"Ok... finally a moment alone..." I say as I pour myself a Jack and Diet Coke. Thank god it's just me right now in the trailer. It's been such a long morning trying to film all of the shots for the video. MTV is supposed to be here in a little bit to film some behind the scenes footage for their new show 'Making The Video' and I'm so freaking nervous and feeling like I'm on edge. I need something to just make me relax just a little bit. This is my third drink in the last couple of hours and though it is helping, I still feel edgy. I take a small sip of my drink and head over to the trailer door to see if anyone is outside. Ok... good... no one. I walk back over to the counter and another quick sip of my drink and set it down and head into the bathroom.

I close the bathroom door, lock it and look at myself in the mirror. Fuck I feel my nerves just going crazy right now. I hate feeling like this. Half the time I can't tell if it's from the hangover, the withdrawal or if it's just everything getting to me.

I take a deep breath and pull out the little bottle that I have in the pocket of my pants, open up the lid an spill out 2 little white pills with the number '80' embossed on them. I'm tempted to crush them up and just snort them but I don't want Andrea to find any reminisce of any powder anywhere.

"Chris...are you ready?"

"Shit..." I say to myself when I hear Andi calling me from outside the door.

"Chris...?"

I decide to just swallow the 2 pills quickly, turning on the water in the bathroom sink and cupping the water in my hands to help me swallow them down. I look up in the mirror and dab my face with the towel. I feel horrible. I hate that I'm hiding this from her, but she can't know. She can't know how I feel inside. I love her so fucking much but she just can't know.

It doesn't take long before I begin to feel that sweet release.

Andi

"Chris... are you ready...?" I call when I step up into the trailer. It was the last day of the video shoot for 'Can't Change Me' and today they were doing all of Chris's shots for the video. I look around the trailer and Chris was nowhere in the main area.

"Chris...?" I call again and still no answer. What the hell? I saw him walk up in here just a little bit ago. I glance at the counter where there was a little mini kitchenette, his drink still on the counter.

"Chris?" I call again as I walk back towards the back of the trailer and as soon as make it towards where the little bathroom was he quickly opens the bathroom door and steps out, making me jump.

"Shit... you startled me," I giggle putting my hand over my chest.

"Sorry baby," He smiles shyly at me in his black fitted tank top and his black pants, flipping his hair out of his eyes.

"I'm surprised you didn't hear me calling for you... you ok?" I ask as I look up into his eyes.

"Yea... yea I'm fine," He says looking away for a moment and then back at me.

"You sure?" I ask a little concerned.

"Uh huh,"

I give him a small smile, admiring how gorgeous he looks right now as I move a little closer to him. He leans into me as I press my lips to his, sucking that beautiful bottom lip of his. His hands move to my hips pulling me in and pressing himself to me as I reach up and lace my fingers through his dark waves. I'm still getting used to the straightness of his hair which is so different but still so soft as I entwine my fingers through. After a few moments of our lips moving together, I manage to part my lips from his to catch my breath as he touches his forehead to mine.

"Is it bad that I want you right now?" I bite my bottom lip and close my eyes.

"No... cause I want you too," He says so slyly looking at me under his brow.

"Chris! Johan's ready for you!" A voice from the film crew calls from outside the trailer door.

"Ok! I'll be right out!" Chris lifts his forehead from me but I decide to be bad and place my lips against his neck, the place just under his earlobe where I know it drives him crazy. He groans and closes his eyes as I hear him take in a deep but shaky breath.

"Baby... " He breathes.

"Uh huh?" I say with my lips still against his skin.

"I hate to say this but... I gotta... get out... there," He breathes with his eyes closed, desperately trying to not give in to me.

"Ok," I say quickly and pull away from him, batting my brown eyes at him.

"You're evil you know that?"

"Uh huh," I smile at him. He shakes his head at me, smirking as I giggle and places a quick kiss on my forehead. He then pulls away from me but slowly lets go of my hand as he heads towards the trailer door and outside.

I turn my attention back to the washroom and head inside to use it quickly before I head out the set. Once I finish, I fix my curls and adjust my Motorhead tank top, when I see a little bottle on the floor, tucked under the small sink vanity. Curiously, I pick it up off the floor and turn the bottle in my hands to try and read the label.

"Oxycocet...? What the...?" I say to myself. As I continue to read the label, it was Chris's prescription.

When did he get a prescription for... what is this anyway? And why is it on the floor?

I glance up at myself in the mirror and then back down at the bottle and feel worried and confused all at the same time, but I decide to forget about it for now and ask him about it later. I stuff it into the pocket of my ripped low rider jeans and head out of the bathroom to meet Chris on set.

*****

"...ok Chris... water scene..." Johan calls out when we arrive at this little quarry that was filled with the murkiest green water I had ever seen.

"Uh... are you sure you want to go in that?" I half giggle as he takes my hand and we walk over to where the film crew was set up.

"I don't want to but I'm gonna..." Chris smirks at me.

"They tested the water right...? I mean... it's not full of E-coli or anything right?" I inquire worriedly raising my eyebrow at him.

"Yes they tested... it's fine babe," Chris replies.

"You're crazy,"

"Maybe... but you like it that way" Chris says leaning down to me and placing a kiss on my earlobe, making me giggle as his beard tickles me in just the right way.

The girl that is playing the 'love interest'... I guess, Ana Cristina, is just finishing up her part right now as we walk up to the filming crew. I met her yesterday while they were filming the scenes in the bar and she is really, really sweet. She's so young but she fits the part so well.

"...ok so... I just walk around up... there and..." Chris trails off pointing in the direction of the top of the hill where the greenish water pond is located.

"Yep just... fall in the water..." Johan smiles at him. Chris places a quick kiss on my temple and then heads up to the top of the hill.

As they shoot the scene where Chris falls in the water, Johan shows me the different angles and how the shots will look once the whole video is done. It's so reminiscent of when I was on the set when he filmed for Jesus Christ Pose and Chris just looks so freaking good, I can't wait to see the whole video when it's finally finished.

After the water shots were filmed, we then head back to the 'seedy' motel for Chris to film the final shots for the video. Johan was so awesome to let Chris see what shots were taken and have his feedback on it to, since the whole video was Chris's idea anyways.

"... ok Chris! and come on out! alright... and cut!" Johan calls from outside the motel door, as Chris walks out and turns the corner.

"Ok that's a wrap guys! good job!" Johan calls and the whole crew cheers.

*****

After the video shoot, since I really didn't want to stay in the trailer for another night, (the trailer is so small and I desperately need a proper bed to sleep in) I booked us a hotel in Santa Monica which was just about 25 minutes away from Cornell. It's still so funny how there is a little town in the Santa Monica Hills with Chris's last name.... and mine too.

Once we arrive at the hotel, we check in and I head directly to the room with Chris following behind me. As soon as I get the door open, I set my bag down by the bedside table while Chris immediately starts to peel off his black fitted tank top.

"I don't know about you but I really need a shower," He chuckles, dropping his shirt to the floor as I turn to face him, my eyes admiring his smooth, toned but slender frame.

"Yea... me too, but I'm kinda hungry too... aren't you?" I say putting my hand over my growling tummy and furrowing my brow. I know it's late but I haven't eaten since earlier this afternoon, and I haven't even seen Chris eat anything at all today.

"Meh... a little," He says as he steps towards me leaning down and pressing his lips to mine, placing his hands on my hips and slowly trailing up under my shirt, his fingertips skipping over my skin as he presses my body to his.

"Want to join me in the shower?" He says as he breaks his lips from mine and touches his forehead to mine.

"Maybe..." I breathe closing my eyes.

"Just maybe...?" He says and I giggle. We stand there for a few moments as he holds me to him and I feel this weird overwhelming feeling that I need to ask him about the pills that I found earlier today, but for some reason I'm afraid to.

"You alright baby?" He asks softly after a little while of silence between us.

"Mmmm, Hmmm," I lie, and a few more minutes of silence pass between us.

"Ok... well... I'm going to jump in... come in if you want to," Chris places a kiss on my forehead as I touch his bare chest and then turns and heads into the washroom and closes the door. I slowly open my eyes and let out a long sigh that I was apparently holding for a while as I hear him start the water. I then reach into the pocket of my jeans and pull out the bottle of pills that I found. As I look down at the bottle in my hands, I drop down on the bed, trying to figure out how to ask him without upsetting him. 'Cause for whatever reason he felt the need to hide these from me, I know there must be something wrong. I set the bottle down on the bedside table and then head out of the hotel room.


	14. I'm A Wreck When I Look Mighty

Santa Monica California, August 2 1999 

Chris

"Ugh!.. that feels better," I say to myself as I turn off the water, step out of the shower and grab the towel that was hanging on the back of the door. I quickly dab the excess water from my hair that has now started to curl again, and dry the rest of the water off myself, wrapping the towel around my hips. I was kind of disappointed that Andi didn't join me in the shower, I thought maybe she would. Wiping off the steam from the bathroom mirror, I examine my features, trying to decide if I should shave now, or wait until the morning before we head back to Seattle. Fuck it, I'll just shave now. 

I quickly shave, and trim my beard just a little, dabbing the excess shaving cream from my face once I'm done. I turn from the mirror, open the door, turn off the light in the bathroom and as I walk out, I notice Andi isn't in the room.

"Baby?" I question worriedly as I scan the room but there's obviously no where she would be hiding, if there was a place to hide. As I walk over to the bed I see a little bottle on the beside table.

No...

I grab the bottle from the table and hold it in my hand. She found them, and now she's not here. Now I know why she was being so quiet. Fuck... ok don't panic Chris. Maybe she doesn't even know what they are.

Shit!

As I was about to put them into the bedside table, the door opens and Andi walks through with a little bag of take out, catching me trying to hide them.

"Hey... I uh, thought you were going to join me in the shower," I say slightly apprehensively, hoping she doesn't notice.

"Yea... um... I was hungry and you said you were a little bit too, so I just went out and got some food," She says quietly, her expression not really showing much emotion like before. She stands at the door still and I just look at her with her beautiful curls all around her and her dark eyes looking at me, almost through me like I know that she knows but neither of us is saying anything.

She kicks off her Doc Marten's and moves over towards me, climbing up on the bed, sitting cross-legged in the middle as she opens up the bag which smelled like wonderful Chinese take out. 

Man, I'm hungrier than I thought.

"What have you got there? " She clears her throat as she takes out the food from the bag. I honestly wasn't sure how to answer that.

"Um... nothing just... nothing important," I hesitate as I look down at the bottle and then open the side table drawer and set the bottle of pills inside. She peers up at me, brushing a curl from her eyes and I can feel her sensing that I'm nervous. Fuck I wish I could take one right now. Why the fuck did I have to be so stupid and leave them behind in the trailer for her to find? I didn't even realize that I didn't put them back in my pocket.

"If they aren't important... then what are they for?" She asks me as she reaches into the bag and pulls out a can of Diet Coke and offers it to me. I take the can of Diet Coke and try to figure out how to tell her.

"They're just... they're for my shoulder. Remember when I hurt it a while back during a show?" I say as I pop open the can and she looks at me slightly confused.

"...when I was pissed off and I smashed my Fender on stage? Soundgarden's last tour...?" I state trying to jog her memory. I get it though, there have been so many shows that even I can't remember half of them.

"...ok," She says still glancing at me but I can tell she really doesn't remember.

"Anyways... it was when I smashed the guitar and I hurt my shoulder joint..."

"Oh, yea... ok, and you wouldn't go get it checked out like I said you should've," She realizes finally.

"Yea, I know... so yea, I went and got it checked out a while ago cause it still hurts sometimes and they gave me those to take until it can heal..." I lie.

Well, ok it's not exactly a lie. They did give me the prescription for my shoulder, but a while ago was actually over a year ago and I'm still taking them for the pain in my shoulder.... even though I hate to admit it to myself, I may be taking them for more than just the pain in my shoulder...

I see her looking up at me with those beautiful brown eyes I love so much and I just can't tell her the whole truth. I don't want to worry her and I don't want to hurt her. I also don't want her to be upset with me and hate me. 'Cause I sure as hell don't like myself right now.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks sadly as her eyes still stay locked to mine.

"I didn't think it was a big deal... it's just a pain killer... like an Advil,"

Lie

"An Advil?" She questions raising her eyebrow at me.

"Yea," I take a sip of my Diet Coke doing my best to play it off like nothing. 'Cause it is really nothing... at least I try to tell myself that anyways. She studies my eyes for a few more moments and then glances back down at the bag and takes out some napkins, and some chopsticks.

I then sit down on the bed with her, still in my towel as I watch her take out the rest of the food from the bag.

"Rice?" She asks so cutley.

"Sure," I offer a small smile as she hands me the container.

"You would tell me if there was something wrong... right?" She asks after a few moments of silence between us, her dark eyes glancing back up to me. I glance down at my rice dish and take a bite from the chopsticks.

"Of course baby," I attempt to be confident in that answer, hoping she doesn't notice how I really feel inside, and how much I just want another pill right now.

"...ok..." She says softly and takes a bite of her rice.


	15. Mine Is The Heart you Own

Seattle Washington, August 5 1999

I slowly flutter my eyes open as the morning sun shines through the window of our bedroom, feeling Chris's hand softly sliding across my stomach. He moves my curls, placing soft fleeting kisses along the back of my neck, sending wonderful shivers down the length of my body. Closing my eyes, I sigh and snuggle further into his arms as his hand trails up to my breast, his fingertips softly playing with my nipple, feeling his excitement pressed up against my backside.

Giggling, I press my backside against him responding to his touch as he playfully begins to bite my shoulder, his beard tickling me in the most enticing way, all the while his hand moves from my nipple, down my torso, and further still, encouraging me to open my legs for him.

I cover his hand with mine as he softly teases my clit at first, causing me to let out a small squeal of pleasure as I guide him along the way, showing him just the way I like it. He moans deep from within, feeling just how wet I've quickly become.

Then in one quick movement, he turns me over on my back to face him, as he shifts himself over top of me, taking my hands, raising them above my head, pinning me down as he laces his fingers through mine. His blue eyes gleam into mine as that all too familiar mischievous smirk spreads across his beautiful full pouty lips. I bite my bottom lip as my eyes lock to his, raising my eyebrow, and wrapping my legs around his hips. My eyes flutter closed once more as he presses his hardness against me, teasing as I move my hips against him. Tilting my head back, I arch my back, responding to his teasing as his flushed soft lips place hot kisses down my throat. He breaks his one hand from mine, though my other remains pinned to the bed, placing it underneath me at the small of my back and holding me tightly.

The feeling of his grip on my body is unbelievably amazing as shivers trickle up and down my skin. The hardness of his erection, tantalizing against my clit is almost too much to bare. I want him inside me so, so bad. I let out another small pleasurable squeal as his lips move to my earlobe and softly nibbling. Then as if he was hearing my plea inside my head, he pushes into me, filling me up, groaning as I whimper while another wave of shivers trickle across my skin.

I am instantly sent to another time and space where like so many times before, it is only Chris and I that exist, and nothing else matters. With each firm thrust, over and over, our bodies become one, fitting together perfectly like we are made for each other.

He lifts himself up, hovering over me, tilting his hips as he thrusts reaching the perfect spot as I reach up and lace my fingers through his messy curls. He closes his eyes, furrowing his brow, his lips slightly parted as I manage to open my eyes and watch his reaction to me while gripping him like only I can. That all too familiar but wonderful feeling in the pit of my abdomen, slowly but surely builds, to the point that all I want is for that final moment to tip over the edge. Once again like he knew what I was yearning for, the moment arrives, feeling the length of him grow ever so slightly inside me, and I belt out his name while he cries out, feeling me reach that moment of pure absolute payoff. He pushes into me once more, spilling his warm liquid inside me, riding out our high together and collapsing back down on top of me.

A few moments pass as we attempt to catch our breaths, he places his palms on either side of my face, brushing a few stray curls from my eyes, as I turn to place soft kisses on his palm.

"Happy Anniversary baby," He whispers, his lips grazing my jawline as he does so. Even the sound of his voice, still husky from sleep makes my insides flutter.

"Happy... Anniversary..." I purr, my eyes still closed, my lips brushing against his palm, still euphoric from my high that took place moments before. He chuckles as he turns my face so he can look at me, his thumb brushing my bottom lip and I want him all over again.

"You are so fucking beautiful... you know that?" He smiles, those Irish blue eyes gleaming at me. I smile shyly at him, shifting a little underneath feeling my cheeks flush at his compliment.

"I'm so lucky that I get to wake up to you every morning like this," He says softly.

"Really...? I thought you would be sick of me by now," I giggle.

"Never," He smiles closing his eyes, touching his forehead to mine as we lay, breathing each other in and relishing in the feeling of each other.

*****

"Awake on my airplane,

Awake on my airplane,

My skin is bare...

My skin is theirs"

I stood at the kitchen counter in my knee length flowy high waisted black skirt with white skulls all over and a plain black tight spaghetti strap tank with a white sheer button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up that I had tied up into a crop. I paired that with my black lacy open toed heel wedges and I left my dark curls down, just passed my shoulders, though they seem to be everywhere, (God I hate having extremely curly hair sometimes) pouring some more drinks for everyone. I wanted to look a little more sophisticated today though still keeping that Metal Chick vibe.

"8 years...? Holy shit,"

"Yea..." Chris says taking a drag of his cigarette.

"It's crazy to think you've been together that fucking long man," Michael 'Duff' McKagan says taking a drag of his smoke. Chris and Duff have remained close over the years, along with Saul 'Slash' Hudson since touring with Guns N' Roses back in '92.

Chris and I were having just a little pre-drinks get together at our house for our Anniversary before we head out to a new bar and nightclub that opened up, The Sunset Tavern in downtown Seattle. Chris asked me where I would like to go and I figured we could check the place out. I wasn't sure who was playing at all tonight but I heard they have really good food and I thought we could all just go there.

"Do you need any help Andi?" Susan Holmes, Duff's fiancé says as she walks over to stand beside me. Susan was a gorgeous 5'10 blonde with dark brown eyes, and seemed to tower over my 5'5 frame, wearing a beautiful white flowy sundress that accentuated her every curve in just the right way.

Why do I have to be so short? Or really, why is everyone so damn tall?

A model for Playboy since '92, fashion designers such as Dolce and Gabbana, Dior and Sports Illustrated, she exudes beauty that every girl would die for. She is so sweet, intelligent and so humble, she makes everyone feel welcome around her. She has her own line of swimwear that she started back in '97 and she has definitely made a name for herself since then. She designed a swimsuit made entirely of guitar picks that Duff inspired her to do, and won an award for 'Swimsuit Designer of The Year' in '98 based off that particular design.

Susan and I have become closer over the last little while since she started dating Duff just over a year ago. Ever since Selena moved away, and even though we do talk on the phone once a week or so, I miss having a girl to hang out with. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with Chris. He is my best friend. There's just obviously things that I can't do and talk to him about like I can with a girlfriend.

"Sure... um... there's a veggie platter that I made up in the fridge, if you could grab that?" I say as I pour my Jack and Coke.

"Sure hun," She smiles and opens up the fridge.

"It's fine on the counter island... there... yea" I say as I gesture for her to place the platter down.

"Andi... this is amazing," She says grabbing a carrot stick and dipping into the ranch dressing I made earlier.

"Really...? It's just veggies and dip," I say.

"Yea... but you made the dip though... and it's so good... but you shouldn't have to make anything since it's your Anniversary," She beams at me, taking a bite.

"Meh... it was nothing," I smile at her as I finish pouring her white wine as she walks back over to me and takes it from my hand.

"It's something... Happy Anniversary hun," She smiles as she leans into place a quick kiss on my cheek and I smile.

"Hey... don't be stealing her away from me now, " Chris jokes. Susan and I laugh as I glance over at Chris in his black tight fitted tank top, his slimmer fitted jeans and his hair straight and kind of slicked back with a stray dark strand falling in his eyes every once and a while. His blue eyes sparkle as he grins at me.

"Oh no, Susan I think he's caught on to us ," I joke as I look back at Chris.

"Damn... just when I thought I could have you all to myself..." She jokes, her eyes glancing over me and then looking back at Chris and Duff who stand beside each other looking at the both of us, wondering if we were serious or not. Susan and I look at each other and after a few moments we start to laugh.

"Babe... you kill me you know that?" Duff says as Susan walks over to him.

"Yea well... it keeps you on your toes," She takes a sip of her wine and stands beside him as he places a kiss on her temple, his arm around her waist, his hand resting on her hip. They are so cute together.

"Could you take my picture...?

'Cause I won't remember...

Could you take my picture...?

'Cause I won't remember...

Yeah... "

Chris smirks at me, his eyes flicking over my body while I take a sip of my Jack and Coke and he takes another drag of his cigarette.

"You two are coming to the wedding right?" Duff asks looking back and forth between us as Susan takes a sip of her wine.

"Yea... of course..." I say as Chris exhales a cloud of smoke.

"Awesome.." Duff smiles.

"I thought you sent out that RSVP thing a while ago?" Chris asks me.

"I'm pretty sure I did," I say.

"Oh, it's no big deal... as long as you two are going to be there," Susan smiles. After a little while of us hanging out, laughing and a couple of more drinks, we all decide to head out.

Duff doesn't drink anymore since he had become severely ill a couple of years back from all the drinking he used to do with Guns. I commend him for it, he looks so good now but that's not the reason why he quit. From years and years of basically drinking nothing but Vodka and whatever else he could get his hands on, he developed alcohol-induced pancreatitis, which he is alright now though but if he didn't stop drinking, he would've been dead within a month. And we do not need another death of a close friend to happen again. 

The Sunset Tavern Bar and Nightclub

We arrive at The Sunset a short while later and find a table booth to sit at. We figured we would grab a large booth just in case more people decide to show up. We invited Jeff, Eddie, Stone and Slash but for now it was just Chris and I with Duff and Susan. The waitress comes by and we order our food and drinks and continue conversing with each other about the wedding and such.

"... So you never told me what your wedding was like..." Susan asks me as she takes a sip of her water while she waits for her food.

"Oh well... it wasn't really planned when we got married," I say as Chris leans back in the booth, placing his arm around me, resting it on the back as he glances at me with his blue eyes gleaming.

"So you just eloped?" She asks.

"Yea... in Vegas," I say as the waitress comes back with our drinks. 

"See sometimes I feel like we should do that cause planning a wedding is crazy, and so stressful, but my mother would have a fit if she wasn't able to see me get married," Susan says as the waitress sets her wine in front of her.

Sometimes I wish Chris and I had actually planned a wedding. I mean, I don't regret that day at all. It was the best decision I ever made, probably the one thing in my life that I actually feel I got right. But it would be nice if we actually had wedding pictures, with a beautiful wedding dress and that big party you throw at the reception and tons of flowers and bridesmaids and all that shit.

"Your wedding is going to be perfect..." I give her a smile and she smiles back at me as I take a sip of my drink.

"I'll be back in a minute baby," Chris says as he leans in to my ear.

"Ok," I say as I glance in his direction. He places a quick kiss on my earlobe and I notice that Chris looks a little pale. Well he has pretty fair skin to begin with, especially in the winter, but this isn't his usual complexion that I'm used to seeing. I don't think I've even seen him eat anything today, or at least I can't remember if he did.

"You alright?" I ask as I place my palm in his cheek, and playing with his beard a little.

"Mmmm, Hmmm... I just have to use the washroom," His blues look into mine and I feel like there's something wrong, but I'm not going to bring it up here right now.

"Ok," I say apprehensively furrowing my brow a little. He gives me a re-assuring grin and places a quick kiss on my forehead, then slides out of the booth to make his way to the washroom.

Chris

As I walk away from the table, I try not to show that I'm really feeling a little bit of withdraw happening. I just suddenly started feeling like I'm sweating so bad and a little bit shaky. I make my way to the bathroom, thank fuck there's no one in here, take out the little bottle of pills from my pants pocket and quickly down 3 pills as fast I can, then turn on the water from the tap and cup my hands under the stream to help me swallow. It doesn't take long before I start to feel that amazing calmness taking over my body and I shove the pills back into my pants pocket.

"...ok..." I exhale and sigh as I grab some paper towel and dab some of the water off of my face.

"Hey dude," Duff smiles as he walks through the bathroom door that kind of startles me for a moment.

"Hey," I smile back as I throw out the paper towel and he walks over to the urinal to stand in front. Without trying to be awkward, Duff and I make a little small talk and then I quickly make my way out of the washroom and back to our table feeling just fucking amazing.

I slide myself back into the booth beside Andi, her beautiful self glancing at me as I do so. She looks so fucking gorgeous tonight, her beautiful dark curls all around her as she pushes a curl out of her eyes and places a quick kiss on my cheek. Her lips, so amazingly soft send chills trickling up and down my skin. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Everything just feels so good right now, the high is completely euphoric and so calming...

Wait... did I say that already?

Fuck, I wish she could feel exactly what I feel right now....

"Chris.... baby... are you not going to try some of this...?" Andi asks gesturing to the plate that was in front of me, breaking me out of my floating thoughts.

"Huh...?" I reply to her glancing down and seeing the pizza that we had ordered with Andi grabbing a slice to place it on her plate.

"Pizza...?" She looks at me with her eyebrows raised, grabbing a napkin to wipe her hands.

"Uh... maybe in a minute," I say and take a drink of my Jack and Diet Coke. To be honest, I wasn't really all that hungry. I just wanted her to have fun. I lean back in the booth a little while everyone around me carries on with their conversations, Susan telling Andi about the plans for her and Duff's wedding and so on and I start to drift away into my own little world as I sip my Jack and Coke.


	16. Touched And Broken Are The Things You Love

Seattle Washington, August 28 1999

"Ugh! I can't get my hair to sit right... does it look ok?" I say as I stand in the full length mirror in our bedroom attempting to fix my dark smooth hair that rested well passed my shoulders. I had decided to try something new and straighten my hair for Duff and Susan's wedding, but I feel that I just look strange. I've never flat ironed my hair before so this took me at least 2 hours to do. I never realized how long my hair actually is because it is so curly.

"Baby, you look gorgeous...you look so different... I like it," Chris beams at me, turning from his dresser, all in black much like I am, looking a little bit like Dave Navarro from the Red Hot Chili Peppers but I wasn't going to tell him that.

I was pretty much ready to go as I smooth out my black sleeveless dress that cinched in just at my ribs and flowed out down to just at my knees. I glance down to step into my black lacy heel wedges, tucking my hair behind my ear as Chris moves over to me.

"It just better not be humid or all of this will be for nothing," I say as I run my fingers through my hair, making sure it stays smooth.

"It'll be fine," He says sweetly.

"I feel like we look like we're going to a funeral," I furrow my brow as I look at Chris through the reflection of the mirror and he chuckles.

"Nah baby... we look... well... we look like us," He smirks.

"Dark and brooding?" I smirk back.

"Damn straight," He smiles at me through the reflection and I laugh. I give him a quick kiss on his cheek and turn to head out of the bedroom letting him know I'm just getting a drink first downstairs before we leave as he mentions something about using the bathroom before we go.

I make my way downstairs and head into the kitchen, my heels clicking against the hardwood floor, as I head over to the fridge. Since there is an open bar at the reception, for now I decide to just grab a quick drink of water while I wait for Chris.

After a few moments, I finish my water and make my way to the front door as Chris still seems to be in the washroom. I grab my black clutch off the table by the door and adjust the top of my dress, making sure no slippage happens as it is a little low cut and continue to wait for Chris.

"Come on babe," I say quietly to myself. I feel like he's been in there a while. After a few more moments, he finally emerges from the bedroom and make his way downstairs.

"Ready?" He says when he reaches me, his freshly applied cologne that smelled so fresh and amazing lingering around him in the air, making me want to attack him and just forget about the wedding.

"Uh huh," I breathe and he smiles, his blue eyes gleaming at me while he grabs his black jacket. He places a quick kiss on my lips, allowing me just enough time to suck his bottom lip that I love to do, then make our way out the door.

Sodo Park Wedding and Reception, Seattle Washington

A little while later, we arrive at the wedding venue and head inside to see rows upon rows of Duff and Susan's family and friends. I knew Susan wanted a big wedding but I had no idea it was going to be this big. We make our way down the isle as the usher guides us to a section where we find Slash with who I am assuming is his date, sitting dressed all in black with his leather jacket and famous top hat.

"Hey dude... How are ya?" Slash smiles at Chris as he shifts to sit up a little on the bench, extending his hand for Chris to shake.

"Hi, good, I'm good..."

"Andi, sweetie how are ya?" Slash says so sweetly to me as Chris and I sit down.

"Good, good... you?" I smile shyly at Slash.

"I'm fucking awesome," Slash smiles at me and I giggle.

"I didn't realize they were having such a large wedding," I say.

"Yea, well it's mostly Susan's family of course..." Slash says as he glances around the rows upon rows of people.

"You guys staying for the reception?" Slash asks.

"Uh huh," Chris answers.

"Sweet, we should grab a table or whatever they have set up and hang man," Slash says.

"Sounds good," Chris smiles.

A short while later, once everyone was seated, the groomsmen walk down the isle and take their places. Then Duff, looking so adorable in his tuxedo, obviously done in his rock and roll style, his blonde hair long and messy like he usually has it, walks down the isle, shyly but proudly. After Duff takes his place at the 'altar' the live string quartet begins to play and Susan arrives with her father as he leads her down the isle in her beautiful sleeveless white wedding dress.

Susan looks so perfect with her long blonde hair in perfect loose curls down her back. I somehow suddenly felt secretly jealous at the fact that here I am at this beautiful wedding between two people, wishing I had this happen when I married Chris. As I watch her make her way to Duff, Chris places his arm around me and I move a little closer in and he places a kiss on my temple. I close my eyes for a moment inhaling his enticing scent, I turn and glance at Chris as his blue eyes find mine, giving him a small smile while he takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine. 

*****

Once the wedding ceremony was finished, the reception was taking place in the ballroom next door. As we enter the ballroom, there were multiple tables set up with beautiful center pieces that had little tags with names indicating where we were to sit. Chris and I find our table and see that we are sitting with Slash and his date.

"How lucky is that? we're sitting with Slash anyways," I smile at Chris and he chuckles. Chris pulls out my chair for me as I tuck my hair behind my ear and take a seat. He sits down beside me, taking off his jacket and resting it on the back of his chair. I glance at Chris for a moment admiring how incredibly gorgeous he looks right now as he pushes up the sleeves of his plain black shirt. A few moments later, Slash arrives at our table with his date and we carry on with a bit of conversation just like before with the caterers arriving with our food.

Once we finish with our food (though Chris barely ate anything) and after the best man and bridesmaid speeches had taken place, it was time to fucking party! As Susan and Duff have their first dance as husband and wife to Bryan Adams 'Everything I Do, I Do It For You' (Susan's choice of course) Chris immediately got up from his seat and went over to the bar to grab us some drinks while I was left alone with Slash as his date proceeded to the washroom.

"I read that article in Rolling Stone you guys did... I didn't know you stepped back from management," Slash grins at me as he takes a sip of his Jack Daniels straight up

"Yea I... just thought it's better that it's not me managing anymore," I say and take a sip of my water.

"Too stressful?"

"Well... yea kinda... I just really didn't want to have it come between us... not that it did before but, sometimes ... you know," I say setting my glass back down and Slash nods.

"Andi hunny," Susan smiles as she walks over to the table, her and Duff now making the rounds, thanking everyone for coming out.

"Hi," I smile at her and stand while we embrace each other.

"Wow... you look gorgeous," She smiles as we break from each other.

"Uh... no I think you are the one who's gorgeous here," I say and we giggle as I congratulate her while Slash and Duff greet each other.

"Where's Chris?" She asks.

"Um... he went to grab us a couple of drinks," I say glancing towards the bar but not seeing Chris anywhere.

"Oh... well, we're going to make the rounds a little bit more here but we'll be back," She says.

"Ok sure," I smile and she embraces me in a hug again.

"Thank you for coming hun," Susan says so sweetly.

"Of course," I say and after a few moments, she breaks away from me, Duff also thanking me for coming and they move on to continue making their rounds.

I once again take my seat, looking up at the bar area and suddenly I see Chris emerging from the washrooms and heading over to the bar for our drinks.

Why is it that he's always sneaking off to the washroom? I mean he can't have to pee that much. I don't even pee that much.

Chris then walks back to our table, drinks in hand and sits down beside me, setting my drink in front of me.

"You uh... missed Duff and Susan... they were making their rounds..." I say as I take a sip of my drink and glance at Chris while he takes a sip of his drink.

"Really...? Well, it's alright... I'll catch them in a bit," Chris glances at me and takes another sip. As Chris looks at me, his blue eyes looking a little different then before. His pupils looked constricted and a little glossed over, with his eyelids slightly droopy. I don't know why but I suddenly started to feel... I don't know if worried is the word or not. Nervous maybe...?

"Chris... are you ok?" I ask as I set my drink down.

"Yea, why?" He says a little defensively and takes another small sip of his drink.

"I was just... making sure," I say trying to play it off like I wasn't worried.

"I'm good baby," He smiles at me, his eyes shifting a little but still trying to give me that smile.

"Chris! Hey dude!" Duff calls as he walks over, leaving Susan talking to a few other guests.

"Hey, congratulations," Chris smiles at him as he stands up and they embrace each other in a quick hug. Duff and Chris engage in a little bit of small talk, while I sit and sip my drink. Slash had already left the table to go mingle with a few other guests so it was just me at the table while Chris and Duff stood beside me catching up and laughing.

I wish I could explain the feeling that came over me. It's like one minute I was so excited for the wedding, and now I just feel... weird. Like there's something wrong. Especially since I think Chris is high on something... but I didn't see him take anything. I hate this feeling.

"Alright well... you guys have fun and we'll probably be back over in a little bit... still gotta say hello to everyone," Duff says to Chris.

"Yea, no problem man," Chris smiles as Duff taps him on the shoulder, thanking him and heads off towards Susan again. Chris then sits back down beside me and takes another sip of his drink, finishing it already and setting on the table in front of him.

"I'm gonna grab another drink, do you want one?" He asks.

"Uh... no I'm still working on this one," I say gesturing to my drink as I glance at him.

"Ok," He says quietly, placing a quick kiss on my temple, then heading back up to the bar for another. 

*****

A few hours and a few drinks later, Chris and I still sat at the same table while I watched everyone out on the dance floor. I'm not much of a dancer myself, especially when it comes to weddings and stuff. Well to be honest, I haven't really been to a lot of weddings at all. Most of our friends are either single or just dating. The only other wedding I've been to was when Chris's brother, Peter, got married just after Chris and were married and that was back in '91. That was just a small wedding compared to this and the reception was basically just a small party.

As I sat in my chair, turned slightly, my legs crossed and leaning against the back, I take a sip of my now only third drink. I honestly wasn't into drinking tonight and a part of me didn't know why. Chris on the other hand, has had a few more than me... actually a lot more than me and I'm surprised that he isn't falling all over the floor, given the fact that he hasn't ate much at all today.

"Hi baby," Chris says sweetly as he sits down from grabbing another drink at the bar. He moves his chair closer to me though I still watch everyone out on the dance floor. He reaches up and moves some of my hair off my neck and places a kiss just under my earlobe. I close my eyes just for a moment and inhale the scent of his cologne mixed with smoke and whiskey.

"You wanna dance?" He slurs a little quietly in my ear.

"You sure you're able to?" I ask as I turn a little to look at him. He gives me a disgruntled look and I swear I wasn't meaning it to sound like I was insulting him.

"I'm fine... do you wanna dance?" He repeats a little more sternly.

"No, no I don't," I say, though I really wanted to but I turn and look back at everyone on the dance floor.

"Baby... I know you want to..." He says and stands up, moves in front of me, and holds out his hand for me to take. I look up at him with his blue eyes gleaming at me, and even though I still was unsure about this, I take his hand and we walk towards the dance floor.

It was weird at first. Chris and I have never really danced together before. We've obviously been to so many concerts and such before but never danced like the way you do at a wedding. Chris looks down at me, placing his hands on my hips and I had no idea where to even place my hands at all. I almost felt like I was back in middle school at one of those school dances and you just feel socially awkward and out of place. Well... who am I kidding? I always feel socially awkward and out of place.

As we started to move to the music, though I have no idea what song it was, I slowly began to feel a little more comfortable. I look up at Chris and he looks down at me and I could see just how much he was trying to hold it together.

It's so hard to explain the feeling you have when you know something is going on but he's not saying anything, and you can't bring yourself to confront him without making him feel bad. After a few moments I decided I had enough, and I just wanted to go back to the table.

"Chris... let's just go sit," I suddenly just want to break away from him.

"Why...? I thought you wanted me to dance with you?" Chris furrows his brow, slurring slightly.

"I do but -"

"Ok then, we're dancing," He slurs and gives me a drunken smile as he still tries to keep us moving.

"It's ok... I just wanna sit," I say.

"Why..? you think I can't?" He furrows his brow at me defensively.

"No, It's not that...I just wanna sit down," I say as I turn to leave but he grabs my hand.

"Why are you walking away from me?" He retorts now suddenly becoming irritated.

"Chris, I just want to sit..." I say quietly looking around, hoping no one notices.

"Fine.. go sit... and on your way, why don't you just go home instead?" He slurs.

"Excuse me?" I say offended and surprised at his comment.

"You've been miserable ever since we got here,"

"I have not and I'm not doing this here in front of a bunch of people..." I say trying to deter people from looking at us.

"Then just go the fuck home,"

I have no idea what was happening at that point. It's like one minute I was fine and the next he's the one angry at me, when I should be the one angry at him. All I wanted was to just go and sit down but now I just want to get the hell away from him. Without saying one last word... which is unlike me 'cause I always get the last word in, I turn and head back to the table, grab my clutch and head passed the bar, towards the lobby.

"Andi... hey, you leaving already?" Susan smiles at me as she turns from the group of friends that she was saying goodbyes to.

"Um... yea... I'm uh kinda tired... long day,"

Lie.

"Oh, um... ok... where's Chris?" She asks.

"Um..." I hesitate and turn towards the ballroom area and see Chris heading towards me.

"Chris... hey, Andi said you guys were leaving," She smiles at him.

"Yea... I think it's about time to head home," He smiles at her and I raise my eyebrow at him.

"Awe... well thanks for coming guys... we should catch up once we're back from our honeymoon," She smiles.

"Sounds good," Chris smiles and I give her a shy grin. She embraces me in another hug and I congratulate her once more. I hate to leave right now but I just can't stand being here one more minute. She says her goodbyes to Chris and she heads back into the reception area leaving Chris and I alone in the lobby.

"Keys?" I ask Chris flatly holding out my hand and he gives me a disgruntled look.

"You're not driving us home... keys?" I repeat.

"I think I'm perfectly fine driving us," Chris retorts.

"I'm not getting in that car with you unless you give me the keys," I sternly look at him. It felt like I was arguing with a 5 year old.

"Andi, I'm fine," Chris glares at me.

"Ok, keep telling yourself that... but I'm not getting in that car with you," I say as I look down and open my clutch to see if I had the spare car key, but I didn't.

"Seriously...? What the fuck is wrong with you...?" He slurs throwing his head back and closing his eyes and wobbling a little.

"What's wrong with me? Are you gonna stand there and tell me you're completely coherent enough to drive us home when I can clearly tell that you're not. If we get pulled over and a cop sees you right now, you would get arrested you know that?"

"Whatever... mom," Chris tries to joke sarcastically, chuckling at his remark but as he looks back down at me, he sees that I'm not finding this very funny.

In previous circumstances when this would happen, I would just walk away and find my own way back home. This time though, I'm afraid to leave him by himself. Even though he being so belligerent and pissing me the fuck off, I don't want to leave him alone, 'cause that's the last thing he needs right now.

"Call me mom... call me a bitch... call me whatever the fuck you want, I'm not letting you drive home... now give me the fucking keys!" I say through clenched teeth and hold my hand out again. He stops chuckling as his expression drops, realizing I'm not playing around anymore. He reaches in his pants pocket to pull out his keys and a little bottle flies out and bounces on the lobby floor. I quickly retrieve the bottle that was on the floor, shoving it into my clutch as Chris clearly could barely keep his balance. I hold my hand out for the keys as he places them in my hand though he doesn't say anything and I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice the bottle falling out of his pocket.

"Ok... come on babe," I exhale as I take his arm to steady him and lead him to the car.

Once he gets into the passenger seat, I head around to the driver's side and climb in. After a few moments of adjusting the seat and the steering wheel. I look over at Chris as he lays his head back on the head rest, his eyelids struggling to stay open and I fight the overwhelming urge to cry. I'm just so frustrated, confused and worried all at the same time. I push my hair behind my ear and put the key in the ignition to start up the engine. The black '69 Dodge Charger roars to life and I make our way out of the parking lot.

"Andrea...?" He mumbles.

"Yea...?" I reply as I drive us down the road.

"I fucked up,"

I glance over at him with his head back and his eyes closed.

"I'm so fucked up... I'm so fucking fucked up," He mumbles as I glance back and forth between the road and him.

"Chris..." I say quietly.

"You shoulda just left me there... I don't deserve you... I'm just messing up your life..." He continues to mumble as he turns and looks at me with those droopy eyelids.

"Chris..." I say quietly and a little shaky and as I glance back over at him, he slowly starts to fall asleep, his chest slowly rising and falling, A strand of his dark locks falling across his beautiful features, his perfectly trimmed beard that I always want to play with, those pouty lips that I wish would never stop kissing me.

I reach over and place my hand in his lacing my fingers through and playing with his white gold wedding band on his finger, remembering the day I placed it there and swearing to myself that this time, I'm not giving up.


	17. And So We Start Another Day Together

Seattle Washington, February 11 2000

"Fuck... what in the serious fuck did I eat...?" I say as I flush the toilet and move over to the sink. I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck and then dragged behind it for a few miles. I mean I can't still be hung over from the other night and if I am then, I'm definitely not drinking that much again. I didn't think I drank that much though. It's has to be something I ate.

In the months since Duff and Susan's wedding, Chris and I have been pretty much the same. There hasn't been a lot happening since then. The holidays were good, we spent some time with Chris's mom and this time all of Chris's siblings were there. It was especially good to catch up with his sisters. I still feel shy around them but really, let's face it I'm shy around everyone.

We still haven't really talked about the night of the wedding but I just haven't found the right time to bring up the issue about him taking pills. I need to, I know I do but I don't know how to approach him without making him feel like I'm attacking him. It's not like I'm avoiding the situation... well maybe I am. I just love him so much that I don't ever want him to think that I'm angry at him or... disappointed in him.

I know he's taking them more than he should be. I'm not dumb. I knew it from the moment he tried to play it off like he was just taking Advil. There just isn't an easy way to confront him about it. So like an idiot, I just avoid it all together.

Ugh... it's so complicated.

I look at myself in the mirror in one of Chris's old button up plaid shirts and wonder if taking a shower will help, but for some reason I also just want to crawl back into bed and die. I hate having the stomach flu. I feel so drained and and shaky. I throw my curls up in a hair tie and and suddenly feel like I'm going to throw up again, which is insane because there isn't anything left in my stomach. 

"Oh god..." I say to myself trying to fight the nauseousness but inevitably loosing.

Fuck this sucks.

*****

Later on that morning I felt alright enough to finally take a shower, put on just a pair of black 90 logo track pants and a black tight fitted tank top, threw my curls back up in a pony tail on top of my head and made my way downstairs to make a coffee, hoping that would make me feel better. 

As I enter the living room, I can hear Chris downstairs in the studio working on some more songs. His solo album was released in September and though the video for 'Cant Change Me' has been really successful on MTV and has been nominated for a Grammy in the 'Best Male Rock Vocalist' category, which I am so proud of him for, the album itself hasn't sold as much as the record company thought it would, in terms of the records he sold with Soundgarden.

I make my way to the kitchen and begin to brew some coffee when suddenly the nauseous feeling comes back. Not as strong as it was earlier but it's there. Is the smell of coffee now causing it? What the hell is going on here? It can't be a stomach flu because I'm not dizzy, but I've only been feeling this since yesterday so maybe it is part of that hangover... I don't know... all I know is that I hate this.

I push through making my coffee and pour one for Chris as well, and head downstairs to the studio.

"Hi baby," He says sweetly when I reach the bottom of the stairs, in his tight fitted white tank top with black 90 logo track pants to match mine, his hair curly but messy, his beard neatly trimmed and his gorgeous blue eyes gleaming as he sees me while he continues to pluck the strings of his Gibson ES-125.

"Hey," I smile at him and walk over to hand him his cup of black coffee, just the way he likes it. He takes the cup from me and sets it down on his desk behind him, then reaches up to pull me down to him and places a kiss on my lips.

"You're up early," I say when I pull away from him. Funny how it was me that had to sleep in today.

"Yea... I kinda just felt like working on some stuff..." He says glancing over at the desk and shuffling a few papers with lyrics, ideas and a few other scribbling's.

"You feeling any better?" His blue eyes looking back up at me.

"I'm ok right now... I still feel a little nauseous but at least I'm not throwing up anymore..." I say as I move my hand over my empty feeling stomach as he sets his guitar back down on it's stand.

"That's good," He exhales placing his hands on my hips and pulling me closer to stand between his legs, resting his head against my stomach while his hands trail up my back under my shirt. I grin as I set my coffee down on the desk and lace my fingers through his dark hair, playing with each soft curl.

"Do you feel like doing anything today?" I ask as I look down at him.

"You," He says and I feel him smirk as I giggle.

"Nah, I gotta head out here in a little bit, I have a meeting with Jim downtown at his office," He says as he lifts his head up from me for a moment lifting my shirt up a little and placing his soft lips against my tummy and gently moving lower to the rim of my track pants that rested just at my hips.

"Chris... that tickles," I giggle.

"I know... that's why... I'm... doing it," He chuckles in between his kisses.

"Ok, Chris stop," I giggle even louder as he places one last kiss on my skin, then pulls my shirt back down.

"Should I come with you?" I ask after a few moments as I move away to take a sip of my coffee.

"You can if you want to but... I don't think you need to... it's probably something about the Grammy's or the next few shows coming up..." He says reaching for his coffee and taking a sip.

"Ok 'cause I think I'm just going to relax on the couch for a bit..." I say taking another sip of my coffee.

"Nausea coming back?" He looks up at me furrowing his brow.

"Yea... it's weird... like, it happens in waves... I don't feel like I'm going to throw up though... just queasy," I grimace.

"Awe... ok well... I'm just going to get ready and head down there... um... if you need any thing just call on my cell... fuck that's weird to say," Chris chuckles as he stands up from his stool and grabs the phone off the desk. I'm even trying to get used to it too.

"Yea I know right...? The Cornell's are leaping into the new millennium..." I joke making a surprised face and Chris just laughs at me.

"Ok then," Chris laughs sarcastically.

"Never mind," I smirk feeling my cheeks burn with embarrassment at my bad joke.

"Oh baby, you are too cute," He chuckles placing a kiss on my forehead, then shaking his head and chuckling still.

"I try," I say and take a sip of my coffee as he makes his way up the studio stairs.


	18. Like A Lie Without The Pain

Seattle Washington Jim Guerinot Management, February 11 2000

Chris

I pull up to the curb in front of Jim's office in downtown Seattle and cut the engine to my black '69 Dodge Charger. It would make this whole thing easier if I just knew what this meeting was about. I have a feeling that it's probably just about the rest of the show dates but a part of me is nervous that it's about the record and the record label.

I hate to admit it but the record isn't doing that well. It's not something I ever really cared about before, especially when going back to Soundgarden. Our first 2 EP's weren't selling much at that time because we were so underground, but back then I didn't really give a shit, and I still don't... well... sort of. I hate to say it but since it's now my career, which I love beyond anything and don't get me wrong, it's fucking amazing that I've made as much money as I have. I'm beyond grateful for the fact I'm able to live the life I do and I always do my part in giving back whenever I can but money has never been a driver for what I do. I love making music because that's who I am. It's just... it worries me when there's all these expectations put on me as if everyone is watching me and... it doesn't help with all the insecurities I face within myself every fucking day. It's like a war in my head that I battle each day, almost waiting to see when I wake up in the morning thinking 'ok is this going to be a good day or a bad day?'

Fuck, my shoulder hurts.

I sit in the drivers seat, I close my eyes for a moment just to try to gather my thoughts. As loud car whizzes by me causing me to jump a little, I look around just to make sure no one can see me, pull out the little bottle of Oxycocet from the pocket of my leather jacket and notice that I only have 4 pills left.

Fuck, I'm going to have to get more somehow... my prescription can't be filled until the 20th.

I decide to take the last 4, hoping that I won't go through any withdrawal symptoms until I can get some more later on tonight. You have no idea how much I hate going through withdrawal. The only thing I could think of to describe it as like intense aching all over, like my body is about to crack into a million pieces and the sweating... jeeze if only I knew how much sweating gives me away... I just really don't want Andi to figure anything out. Though I'm pretty sure at this point she has, I mean... Duff and Susan's wedding wasn't my finest moment.

I quickly swallow the last 4 pills, taking a long drink from my bottle of water to help me get them down, I wait a few moments and begin to feel that euphoric relaxing sensation. Ok I'm good... I feel really good... I feel amazing to be honest. I exhale and make my way out of the car, walk up to the front door of Jim's office and head inside.

*****

"Chris hey good to see you!" Jim smiles from his desk as I walk through the door.

"Hi," I smile shyly as he steps around his desk and we shake hands.

"Please, please have a seat," Jim gestures to the large leather chair in front of his desk. I run my fingers through my dark spiked but messy hair and take a seat, resting my leg across my knee.

"Smoke?" Jim asks as he pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers me one.

"Sure," I take one out of the pack and he lights the cigarette for me.

"Ok so you're probably wondering why I called you in?"

"Uh huh," I exhale a cloud of smoke.

"Well first congrats on the nomination..."

"Thanks," I say taking another drag of my smoke.

"When are the Grammy'... the 23rd?" Jim looks at his calendar.

"Uh, yea I think so,"

"Nice... are you going to the ceremony?" Jim asks clasping his fingers together, leaning forward on the desk.

"Uh, yea... I think we were planning on it," I smile.

"Good... good," Jim smiles back and suddenly there's a bit of awkward silence between us.

"So... you called me here for...?" I raise my eyebrow at him gesturing for him to get to the point.

"Oh yeah... uh... so you know that Zach left Rage Against The Machine right?" Jim asks me opening a few drawers in his desk.

"Uh... sure...?" I say a little confused. I wasn't really sure, I mean I remember hearing something about Zach de la Rocha leaving after some internal struggles within the band but I wasn't following the entire situation.

"So... Rick Rubin... which I'm sure you know, and who is really close with Tom Morello, mentioned to me that the guys were looking for a new vocalist..."Jim says shuffling some papers on his desk.

"Ok..." I say skeptically raising my eyebrow and taking a drag of my smoke.

"...and Rick was wanting me to ask you about possibly getting together with Tom, Brad and Tim and just chat, hang out... maybe jam a little and see what happens," Jim says.

"They want me?" I ask exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Yea... why not...?"

I sit there for a few moments in silence and look down at my cigarette in between my fingers. A band? Do I really want to be in a band again? I was just getting used to the whole solo thing, finding it somewhat freeing to be able to do what I wanted, not that I couldn't do that before... but I don't know about being in a band again. I mean I do miss it, the whole collective vibe... the comraderie, like a family... but with that, comes struggle and compromise and all those things that you never thought you would go through until you're in it.

"I don't know..." I look down at my boot and play with the laces between my fingers.

"Look... it's not a definite thing... you don't have to make a decision right away... but just think about it..." He looks at me and then pulls out a little business card.

"Here... if you decide... either way... here's Ricks number... and you have mine of course," He hands me the little card and as I take it and examine the number that was written, I still wasn't sure what to do. I mean, they're already a band... they're already brothers and here I would be stepping in like the outsider.

"Uh... sure... I'll uh, think about it," I say looking down at the card and I take a drag of my smoke.

"Good, good... now you should get on writing that speech for the Grammy's... it doesn't hurt to be prepared..." Jim smiles as I stand up from the chair a make my way to the door.

"Meh, I don't think I'll win... but you know me, I'll probably just end up winging it..." I give Jim a half smile as he steps towards me.

"Either way, congrats Chris..." Jim smiles and taps me on the shoulder.

"Thanks," I smile back and we say our goodbyes and I head out of the office.


	19. "...And The Award Goes To,"

Los Angeles California, February 23 2000

I stand in front of the full length mirror in our hotel room smoothing out my hair, making sure it was perfectly straight. Ever since I did my hair this way for Duff and Susan's wedding, I've been meaning to style it this way once again. It may have taken me at least 2 hours to do but I actually really like having it this way. It makes me look so different... more serious I think.

I adjust the top of my Dior sleeveless black dress, making sure everything is secure. I step into my Louis Vuitton black rounded toe Stiletto heels with the classic red sole and a tiny bit of a platform wedge. Yes I know, Dior and Louis Vuitton...? But this is the Grammy's and Chris insisted anyways. I do feel weird though... like I shouldn't be wearing these expensive things. I mean it's still my style... but I don't know, I'm just not used to it still. I'm still that same down to earth girl that came from nothing, but standing in front of this mirror, with these shoes and this dress... I almost don't even recognize myself.

Moving over to the bed, I sit down to buckle the strap around my ankle. These heels were high for sure, they practically made me almost as tall as Chris. I stood up from the bed and made my way back over to the mirror to check my make up, making sure that my dark black smoky eyes were sufficient enough.

Chris then appears from the washroom, his hair sort of slicked back but spiked up a little bit, wearing black dress pants, adjusting his black button up shirt. His beard perfectly trimmed, made him look so amazingly gorgeous. His blue eyes flick up to mine as he adjusts his collar and he stops for a moment, his eyes wondering over my body.

"The shoes are too much right?" I ask apprehensively and glance down at myself, examining my feet as my dark hair falls down around me.

"No baby..." He says, moving towards me. I glance back at him as he leans into me and places his soft pouty lips on mine, moving together for a few moments and just as I was about to suck on his bottom lip, he breaks away from me, glancing down for a moment and then back to my eyes.

"Sorry I uh... thought my heart stopped for a second there... I just needed to make sure I was still alive," He says a little out of breath as he places his hand over his heart.

"Very funny," I smirk and he chuckles a little, placing a quick kiss on my forehead.

"How do you feel? Still nauseous?" He asks, stepping away from me and adjusting his other sleeve while he moves over to the chair to put on his John Varvatos black suit jacket.

Damn, he looks so good in that suit.

"Uh, no... not since I took that Gravol, thank god," I say turning back to the mirror.

"You sure it's not something more serious though...? I mean, I don't think eating bad food would make you this sick for this long," Chris says worriedly as he adjusts the collar of his jacket.

"Chris, I'm ok... I think it just might be nerves or something... I mean, walking down the red carpet of the Grammy's... I feel like I'm going to throw up right now just thinking about it. I have no idea how you are so calm,"

He's right though, if it was something I ate I should be better by now, but it's like every morning since last week - or was it the week before? I wake up and have to throw up and then remain nauseous for the better part of the day, then it tapers off a little until the next morning and I'm throwing up all over again. The last time I remember having something like this was when...

When I found out I was pregnant...

But I didn't miss my period... but just like last time, I had my period and took a test right after I was done and it turned out I was pregnant.

I had my IUD taken out just before the new year but I wasn't able to get an appointment right away for another one. For some odd reason my doctor couldn't get the identical IUD I had, so I needed to go with a different brand and they didn't have it yet... anyways long story short, we were extra careful. There's no way.

"...Babe?" Chris appears from behind me as I keep my eyes locked on to my reflection in the mirror.

"Huh?" I say breaking myself out of my thoughts.

"I said are you ready?" He chuckles, smiling sweetly.

"Uh, yea... yea I'm ready," I say quickly trying not to sound nervous as I turn to face him but I look down, smoothing out my dress.

"You ok baby?" Chris asks so sweetly.

"Yea, no... no I'm ok just... oh my god I'm nervous," I giggle trying to play off the feeling I have inside.

"Me too," Chris chuckles and after a few moments, he cups my face in his palms, places a kiss on my lips once more, lingering for a little while, then breaking away.

"Ok... let's do this," He breathes and we make our way out of the hotel room.

42nd Annual Grammy Awards Ceremony, Staples Center

We leave the hotel lobby and climb into a black limousine that Chris's management team has set up to drive us to the Staples Center. As soon as we pull up, I cannot tell you just how many photographers, interviewers and T.V broadcasters there were covering the event. Holy shit, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I glance over at Chris who sat beside me in the back of the limousine and I don't know if he didn't notice me glancing at him or what, but I see him quickly take a few pills and swallow them with the bottle of water that sat in the ice cooler beside him, that had a bunch of champagne and other various alcoholic drinks. As soon as he swallows them down and sets the bottle of water back, he glances back at me.

"My shoulder's kinda acting up," He explains as he glances at me for a moment, then looks away as he reaches up and rubs his shoulder for a few minutes. I know it's not just for his shoulder but I can't think about that right now. Right now I'm thinking about the fact that I have to get out of this limousine and face all these people.

A few moments later, everything seemed like a blur. We get out of the limousine and I see the long red carpet lined with what looked like a velvet rope and so many other musicians and celebrities. I am trying so hard not to panic... why am I so scared? I've been around so many people before with Chris, why am I suddenly so scared?

We make our way down the red carpet, Chris taking my hand and lacing his fingers through mine. I stay close to him, as I place my hand on his arm smiling as best I can without trying to look like I'm freaking out inside. Chris glances at me and places a kiss on my temple as I see a bunch of flashes from all the photographers taking photos.

Ok, Andrea you can do this... just breathe... this is for Chris not you, now get it together!

I glance up at Chris and as soon as I look into those blue eyes of his, I instantly calm down. Like there's only me and him in this crazy crowd of people and it takes me back to all those years ago when we first met... when neither of us could ever imagine anything like this.

Giving him the shyest smile I could muster, he gives me the cutest smile back, placing another kiss on my forehead as we continue to make our way through the crowd that included everyone from Whitney Houston to Rob Zombie, and getting stopped every once and a while for Chris to answer a few questions for interviewers and T.V coverage.

"Chris! Chris Cornell... would you be able to answer a few questions for us?" A blonde woman in a white sequined gown waves him over from the other side of the velvet rope.

"Sure," Chris smiles so sweetly as we head over to her, his fingers still laced through mine and I feel him gently squeeze my hand while the camera guy situates the camera on us. I felt so extremely shy so I did my best to hide behind Chris a little.

"First of all, congratulations on the Grammy nomination,"

"Thank you," He smiles.

"Are you excited for tonight's ceremony?" She asks as she holds out the microphone to him.

"Uh, yea... We're pretty excited... I mean it's great that we get to celebrate some awesome talent for sure," He says sweetly.

"Are you excited to see anyone in particular, other than yourself, to win?"

As Chris continues with the interview I look around and see so many people all around us, doing interviews and chatting. I was trying to see if there was anyone that I knew at all just so I didn't feel so incredibly out of place. Suddenly with in the large crowd of people I see Jerry Cantrell from Alice In Chains making his way down the red carpet. I attempt to make eye contact with him and Jerry sees me immediately, and flashes me a smile as he walks over.

Oh thank god...

"Andi... sweetie how are ya?" Jerry smiles at me and I let go of Chris's hand as Jerry gives me a hug. Chris looks back at me for a moment to make sure I was ok and sees Jerry, but continues on with the interview.

"I'm good... oh my god I'm so glad to see you here... I was afraid I wouldn't know anyone," I exhale.

"Yea... it's quite the turnout... you look amazing," Jerry smiles.

"Thanks... you don't look so bad yourself," I smile back, admiring his dark grey suit with a white button up shirt, though his long dark blonde hair is still the same with his beard like he usually has it.

"Is it just you here?" I ask as I glance back at Chris for a moment as he continues with he interview.

"Yea... just me," Jerry smiles at me.

"Uh... are you two heading to the dinner after the ceremony?" Jerry asks after a few moments.

"Um... I don't know... maybe... I think," I shrug.

"Ok well if you are, after the ceremony, maybe we can all meet up or something and hang out or whatever..." He says shyly.

"Yea... sure," I smile back.

"Alright well I'm gonna keep making the rounds here... see you in a bit... and say 'hi' to Chris for me if I don't catch you guys after..." Jerry says as he starts to walk away.

"Alright," I smile back and wave as I move back over to Chris and he laces his fingers back through mine once more.

"... well we will let you get back to your beautiful wife... the best of luck to you tonight ok?" The blonde says as I move in closer to Chris to let other people squeeze passed us.

"Yes, thank you," Chris smiles and I smile too, trying not to feel so awkward and we make our way down the red carpet.

*****

"...and now to present the award for Best Male Rock Vocal Performance... here is Recording artist, Jennifer Lopez and Actor, David Duchovny..."

As the announcer's booming voice plays out over the system, the crowd applauses and the sound is immense. After the applause, David and Jennifer read the teleprompter for the introduction of the award, making jokes and referencing Jennifer's insanely revealing green dress. Chris moves his hand over to mine, laces his fingers through and squeezes my hand, not insanely tight but enough to make me even more nervous for him than I already am.

".... and the nominees for Best Male Rock Vocal Performance are..." Jennifer smiles and the montage of music videos flip across the giant screen than hangs over the stage. The audience remains quiet as the music from each nominee radiates throughout the auditorium. Lenny Kravitz, Tom waits, Everlast and Bruce Springsteen blast by with images of their videos, each applause radiating for each flip of the video

".... and Chris Cornell for his performance of 'Can't Change Me' from the album Euphoria Mourning... Songwriters Chris Cornell... Producers Chris Cornell, Natasha Shneider and Alain Johannes...." Jennifer announces, the crowd cheering as Chris squeezes my hand. I glance at Chris as he looks down at our hands, our fingers laced together as the video for Can't Change Me plays across the giant screen. I glance up at the screen and see Chris larger than life, remembering every moment of when that video was filmed, remembering the very night he sang it to me for the first time.

"... and the award for Best Male Rock Vocal Performance goes to..." David says looking at the teleprompter for a moment and pausing as Jennifer opens the envelope, the moment stretching as far as it could, feeling like an eternity.

"American Woman...! Lenny Kravitz!" David and Jennifer exclaim and my heart sinks. I could only imagine just how Chris felt as everyone cheers while Lenny makes his way down the isle. Chris watches as Lenny approaches and for a moment Lenny leans over to Chris, whispering something to him and they shake hands. I hear Chris congratulate him and Lenny flashes a smile and continues on his way to accept the award.

"You ok baby?" I ask leaning into Chris's ear.

"Uh huh," He says as he glances at me offering a half smile and I could tell he was disappointed, even if it was just a little bit.

*****

The main entrance of the Staples Center is busy with crowded activity as everyone heads to washrooms, exits, the bar and dinning room, depending on what everyone had planned after the ceremony. I stand near the exit waiting for Chris as he needed to use the washroom before we left for the evening, I glance down at my shoes for a moment, my hair falling down around me and I hear a voice calling for me from the auditorium.

"Andi... hey..."

It was Jerry walking towards me as I glance up and push my dark smooth hair behind my ear.

"Hi," I smile as he reaches me and he gives me a hug.

"Where's Chris?" He asks and speak of the devil, Chris finally emerges from the washrooms as he tries to walk through the crowd to get back to me.

"Hey Chris," Jerry smiles as he reaches us.

"Hey man... how are ya?" Chris smiles back and they give each other a quick hug.

"Sorry you didn't win," Jerry says.

"Meh whatever, there's always next time... sorry you didn't win either," Chris says.

"Yea well... it's cool... just kinda sucks we got all dressed up for this thing and turns out we're just a couple of losers," Jerry jokes and Chris chuckles.

"Yea... well losing to Metallica is not so bad..."Chris smirks

"True... at least it wasn't Jethro Tull..." Jerry Jokes and Chris laughs.

"We're too good for L.A anyways," Chris smirks.

"Fuckin' right," Jerry chuckles.

"So... you guys have any plans...? Feel like having a few non celebratory drinks?" Jerry asks after a few moments.

"Nah... I think we're just gonna call it a night... we gotta catch a flight back home tomorrow... I got a show in Portland tomorrow night so..." Chris moves over to me, slipping his arm around my waist, his hand resting on my hip.

"Alright, well... We should catch up soon then?" Jerry asks.

"Definitely," Chris smiles and he breaks away from me for a moment to give Jerry one last quick hug goodbye, then Jerry makes his way to the bar to engage in some more drinks.

As Chris turns back to me, I see Jennifer Lopez walk by us with her entourage of people and I couldn't help but watch her as she made her way through everyone. That green dress sure turns a lot of heads... especially mine.

Feeling a little self conscious, I place my hand over my chest while Chris watches me watch her, smiling the whole time. After she walks away out of sight I turn back to see Chris still looking at me and smirking.

"What?" I giggle with a half smile but he just chuckles at me.

"You can't tell me you didn't notice her and that dress," I say with my hand still over my chest.

"Baby, everyone noticed," Chris smirks.

"Yea..." I giggle as Chris reaches out and pulls me closer into him.

"So um... what do you say... we head back to the hotel and have a little celebration of our own...?" Chris says smoothly as he touches his forehead to mine.

"That actually sounds so, so good right now," I exhale and with that, we head out of the main entrance of the Staples Centre.


	20. Lost Behind The Words I'll Never Find

Las Vegas Nevada, March 7 2000

Andi

"Alright... that's $15.95 please..."

I quickly pull out some cash from my wallet and hand it to the cashier, then grab the bag and head towards the exit. Chris and I arrived in Vegas just a little while ago and while he was at The House Of Blues doing soundcheck, I was able to quickly sneak away and hit the local pharmacy to pick up a pregnancy test.

Ever since the night of the Grammy Awards ceremony, I can't stop wondering if I'm actually pregnant or not. Especially given the fact that I once again woke up early this morning throwing up again. I actually picked up two tests to take just to be on the safe side along with some snacks to hide the fact that I'm taking a test. I don't think Chris noticed me getting sick this morning, or at least I hope he didn't hear me, but he didn't say anything when we were getting ready so, I'm pretty sure he has no idea.

I quickly make my way back to The House Of Blues and head in through the front doors to see Chris up on stage, in a white tight fitted tank with a black suede jacket and tighter fitted bootleg jeans, his hair spiky but messy, still in the middle of his soundcheck with Natasha and Alain playing up on stage with him.

"... So hide your face

And tie your lace

And butterflies across your cheek

Forget how soon you become a fool for words when I speak

Flutter girl...

You don't wanna know what I live

You don't wanna take what I give

'Cause I give nothing for free..."

He sings into the mic as he flicks his eyes up to see me, giving me a cute wink.

"Ok... ya I think everything sounds good there Chris..." Mike, the sound guy says over the system as I head toward the stage.

"Yea...? Ok cool... It sounds good to me too... hey babe... look at you walking in here all cute and shit..." Chris says into the mic, his voice booming over the sound system.

"Uh huh..." I smirk and shake my head at him.

"You get me anything?" He says into the mic again as I walk up to the stage and hand him a can of diet coke.

"Awe... for me?" He still says into the mic giving me the cutest smile as he bends down to take it from me. I tell him that I'm heading to the back to use the washroom and he continues to say cute and silly things through the mic. Sometimes I think he just does that cause he likes the sound of his voice through the sound system... he's so weird.

I push my curls out of my eyes and make my way to the backstage area, down the dimly lit corridor, my little pharmacy bag in tow as I reach the dressing room and head straight for the washroom. Thank god it's only me back here.

I move over to the sink first, pull out the tests and read the directions. Normally morning pee is best for this but... I need to know.

Once I do my thing, using both tests, I move back over to the sink, rinsing them and setting them down on the counter as glance at myself in the mirror. I fix my dark curls that rest just at my shoulders and adjust my plain black tight fitted tank top that I had paired with my ripped low rider bootleg jeans over my Doc Martens of course.

The whole time I'm waiting for this test, I try to think about other things but nothing seems to be working.

I'm scared.

What if I am pregnant? I mean I know Chris and I planned for a baby all those years ago and I can't tell you how much I wanted a baby then... how much I wanted Lily. I think about her still. Not as much as I used to but I think about her. I think about how she would be as a little girl. Would she be like me? Or more like Chris? Would she be a daddy's girl? Oh, who am I kidding? of course she would've been.

Chris and I never said that we didn't want more kids but we also haven't talked about having more either.

As the moments tick by I let out a long exhale as I look at myself in the mirror. I then close my eyes for a moment and pick up the plastic sticks that sat on the counter beside the sink. I open my eyes and look down at them in my hand.

Positive.

I didn't know how to feel in that moment at all. In fact I was so shocked that I felt almost numb. Suddenly I start to softly cry, unable to control the mixed emotions I feel inside.

"Baby... you back here?" I hear Chris's voice from outside the door making me jump and pulling out of my thoughts.

"Yea - yea I'm just... finishing up," I wipe away the tears that found their way down my cheeks as I scramble to find a place where I can throw these out but instead I shove them into my jeans pocket.

"You ok?" He asks as he knocks on the door.

"Uh huh... just give me a minute," I say shakily trying to hide the fact I was crying. After I quickly clean up the sink, leaving no trace of any pregnancy test, I walk over to the door, making sure I wiped away all my tears and open it. Chris's blue eyes flick to mine and I can already tell he's taken some more pills. He looks at me concerned, though his pupils remain constricted which makes me want to cry even more. How am I going to tell him something like this? How are we supposed to have a baby when I can clearly tell he's getting high, and all I do is ignore it because I have no idea how to face the fact that he has a problem? So instead I give him the best re-assuring smile I could muster and he smiles back at me.

"You were just in here for a while, I just wanted to make sure you were ok," He says so sweetly.

"Uh, yea... yea I'm ok," I say and I move towards him, lifting myself up and placing a quick kiss on his lips. Just as I'm about to pull away, he leans into me deepening the kiss, placing his hands on my hips and pulling me closer into him. Without even realizing it, I start to suck his bottom lip and reach up to lace my fingers through his messy locks. After a few moments, he pulls away from me, his eyes closed as he bites his bottom lip.

"I swear I could kiss you forever and never stop," He says softly touching his forehead to mine.

"Me too..." I say quietly.

Andrea just tell him, just fucking tell him!

"Chris - "

"Hey Chris, sorry but uh, you got a phone call... it's Jim," Greg, Chris's drummer opens the dressing room door, interrupting our moment.

"Ok... I'll uh, be there in a second," Chris says as he lifts his forehead from mine but still looks into my eyes and Greg disappears from the doorway.

"Were you going to say something babe?" He asks me, brushing a stray curl out of my eyes. All of a sudden, I felt like I lost my courage.

"Uh... no, no... just that... I love you, that's all," I say giving him a half smile. He smiles so sweetly back and places another kiss on my lips.

What am I going to do? Just what in the hell am I going to do?

Chris

"I love you too baby," I say when I pull away from her beautiful soft lips. fuck, I really don't want to leave and take that phone call. I just want to stay here with her forever and never leave her side. Damn, I feel so good right now. Though I have this weird feeling like she's hiding something. I can tell she's been crying as her brown eyes are slightly red and I just hope it's not because of me. I think she can tell I've taken a few pills earlier but I can't help it. My shoulder hurts and I just needed the edge taken off a little. She thinks I can't tell when she's hiding something but, she's not a very good liar. But really, neither am I.

Ok, Chris focus.

I eventually bring myself to break away from her, telling her I'll be back in a few and make my way out of the dressing room to take the call from Jim. I wonder why Jim is even calling me here in the first place and why he just wouldn't call me on my cell, but anyways.

I quickly have my conversation with Jim. Turns out Rick Rubin is really insistent on wanting me to meet with the guys from Rage...

"... No I haven't forgot... I don't know... can we just have this conversation when I get back to Seattle? I mean... yea... yea I'm open to it... I know... alright... ok sounds good... alright bye," I say and hang up the phone. I had no idea that Rick wanted me to meet them so bad. I mean, I haven't really given thought to meeting them after the meeting I had with Jim before the Grammy's, just because I'm so busy. Tonight is the last show of this tour so maybe I should give more thought to it. It wouldn't hurt I guess.

*****

I stand backstage as I hook up my ear monitors while Andi clips the monitor pack to the belt of my jeans. I can hear the crowd out by the stage waiting for me to go on and I feel that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. You would think after all this time, I would be used to this but I still get nervous before the show starts, every time.

"Ok, I think I have it clipped on... here," Andi says so cutely as Natasha, Greg, Rick and Alain head up on stage, the crowd cheering a little as they take their places. I turn back and pull her into me, placing a kiss on those soft lips of hers, lingering for a few moments as she sucks my bottom lip. Fuck, I love it when she does that. I pull away from her, placing a quick kiss on her forehead and head up on stage while she watches me from the side.


	21. I Hear You Laughing And My Soul Is Saved

The House Of Blues Las Vegas Nevada, March 7 2000

".... she's going to change the world...

she's going to change the world...

she's going to change the world but she can't change me...

no she can't... change... me,"

The crowd cheers as I watch from the side stage, admiring how he still captivates me after all this time. It's such a small intimate setting, and the crowd just loves him. Well, how can you not love him? The way he's engaging with the audience is just so adorable. 

"Thank you...I think the last time I was here... in Vegas... was many years ago... but this is uh, the first time I've ever played here actually.... yea... I see a guy wearing a tie up there... never seen that before... but I think it's cool... stand up show everyone your tie," He smiles as he points to the guys up on the balcony above the floor as the crowd continues to cheer. Then someone from the crowd asks him a question that I couldn't hear from back here.

"No, uh... the last time I was here was when I got married..." Chris says into the microphone and the crowd cheers.

Oh, Chris what are you doing?

"Thank you... thank you... so um... are there any hopeful guys out there? Anyone...? Are you hopeful...? Yea...?" Chris engages in the audience which makes me giggle.

"So... when my wife and I were first getting to know each other... I walked her home one night after a Soundgarden show," He continues and the crowd cheers even louder.

"Oh, so you know that band?" Chris jokes and some more cheering and laughing bellow out from the crowd

"So... so, um...yea... you know all those feelings you get when you start seeing each other for the first time and you're so young, trying not to be awkward but you're falling so hard for her that you can't even see straight... and you just hope that... she feels the same way...well... long story short... this is 'All Night Thing' "

The crowd cheers like crazy as the band begins the intro and all I could feel in that moment was unbelievable love for him. He's never played that song live before. Even back in '90 when Temple of The Dog did just a few small concerts, he never played that song live. He glances back at me, his blue eyes gleaming from the stage lights, a smile spreading across his beautiful lips.

"She motioned to me...

That she wanted to leave

And go somewhere warm

Where we'd be alone

I do not know, what's going on

But I'm guessing it's an all night thing

it's an all night thing...

If it's an all night thing

Nobody is gonna make it end

And if it don't begin

Don't worry that I'll take offense

And if it's an all night thing

And we fall like a tear falling to the ground

I'll never come around

And you'll never hear a word from me

If it's an all night thing...

I walked along,

feeling at ease

And falling like rain

Into her scheme

She won't let on what that will be

But I'm guessing...Ooh It's an all night thing...Yeah, It's an all night thing

If it's an all night thing

Nobody is gonna make it end

And if it don't begin

Don't worry that I'll take offense, Yeah

And if it's an all night thing

And we fall like a tear falling to the ground

I'll never come around

And you'll never hear a word from me

If it's an all night thing....Yeah, It's an all night thing....Ooooh, It's an all night thing...Yeah, It's an all night thing....Mmm "

As soon as he finishes, the crowd continues to cheer and it took everything I had to stay back and basically control myself from running out there on stage and making love to him right there. It's moments like this where I'm reminded just how much he really loves me, and how he would never do anything to hurt me. I just want him to be ok. I know we'll get through this, I just have to tell him.

*****

After the show, Chris made his way down to the front of the stage, just outside the barricade and signed a few items for the crowd, shaking their hands and being just absolutely sweet with them.

After everyone had eventually made their way out of the venue, it was just Chris and I left in dressing room for a few moments while we wait for the driver to pick us up to head back to the hotel. Chris sits on the couch, leaning forward, his forearms resting on his knees, puffing away on a cigarette, squinting his eyes as the smoke rises. I emerge from the washroom for I swear the 20 billionth time, feeling like I'm going to throw up but nothing ends up happening.

"I uh, think the car should be here in a little bit," I say as I make sure I have everything.

"Sure," He says quietly, taking a drag of his cigarette as I move over to the couch and sit down beside him.

As the awkward silence fills the room, I peer over at him, moving a curl from my eyes, trying to find the courage to just come out and say it. I move closer, sit forward a little and lean my head on his bicep. He takes a drag of his cigarette, exhales a cloud of smoke, butts his cigarette out in the ashtray, turns and places a kiss on the top of my head, lingering there for a few moments.

"I'm gonna stop," He says with his lips still against the top of my head. I move to lift my head up off his bicep for a moment to look into his beautiful blue eyes.

"I'm gonna stop taking those pills... I want to stop... I mean... I know you hate seeing me take them. But I swear I'm gonna stop" He looks at me and I give him a grin and place a kiss on his bicep then lean my head back down while he places another kiss just like before on the top of my head.

I believe him. I really do want him to stop. I'm just glad he said it first because I have no idea how I was going to bring it up to him without hurting his feelings. I close my eyes for a moment as we sit in silence together. 

"Chris...?"My voice cracks from not speaking for a bit.

"Mmmm...?" He murmurs with his lips still pressed to the top of my head. I could feel my heart starting to pound and my bottom lip starting to quiver. I've got to do it, there's no going back.

"I'm - I'm pregnant..."

As soon those words fell out of my mouth, I thought I could hear him stop breathing for a moment. He slowly moves his lips from the top of my head shifting a little as I lift my head from his bicep, brushing my curls from my eyes. His blue eyes look into mine, almost feeling like he's looking straight into my soul. After a few moments of us looking at each other, he leans in towards me, placing his lips on mine.

His kiss is soft and so gentle at first but then immediately turns into something else entirely. His tongue thrusts into my mouth, eagerly playing with mine as I move my lips to suck his bottom lip. My hands move desperately to his hair, my fingers threading through his locks as our lips almost battle one another. He pulls me in as I shift myself a little, his hands moving up my sides and to my back while his lips part from mine, eagerly kissing my chin, my jawline, my neck until he finally wraps me in a hug, burying his face in my shoulder. With us both trying to catch our breath, and the grip that he has on me, I was unable to control the flood of emotions that washed over my entire being. At this point I couldn't help it anymore and I started to cry, then I started to giggle, then back to crying as I feel him begin to chuckle as well.

"You're having my baby?" he chuckles though he still holds on to me.

"Yea," I giggle as he pulls away from me and touches his forehead to mine, taking my hands and holding them in his, pressing his lips to my fingers that were laced through his. The unbelievable relief I have seeing him so happy, instantly makes me feel so, so much better about this.

"Really?" He chuckles holding my hands to his chest as he lifts his head from mine.

"Yea really," I laugh.

"Ok, just makin' sure," He smirks and I laugh as he presses his lips to mine.


	22. It's Funny How The Universe Works

Seattle Washington, March 15 2000

Chris

"Ok, Chris, we'll uh... meet up again sometime next week? Just let me know how it goes," Jim says holding out his hand for me to shake.

"Yea, sure sounds good," I say shaking his hand and opening the door to his office.

"Alright," Jim smiles at me, pats me on my shoulder and I head out the door.

I still wasn't sure about meeting the guys from Rage, but I figured I should just get it over with. I don't have anything planned over the next few months since the Euphoria Mourning tour is now finished. You'd think I'd just want to take a break but I don't even know what that's like. I'm always writing and creating which is what I love to do most. It's a part of me. It's who I am. Now that Andi is having my baby, it gives me inspiration for making more music, so maybe it wont be such a bad thing to have this meeting.

Andi is having my baby. Can you believe it? She's having my baby! I know she has an appointment today and I wanted to just go with her but I had to do this meeting with the guys. Holy shit I cannot tell you how fucking happy I am. I don't even know if there is a word to describe just how I happy I am. I am so, so happy, excited and scared out of my fucking mind but more happy than scared. I know it wasn't planned this time. Hell, we haven't even talked about having any since... you know. But I don't care. She is having my baby and I can't fucking wait.

It's so funny how the universe works...

I climb into my black '69 Dodge Charger and sit for a few moments and pull out the little pill bottle that I have in my jacket pocket. As much as I hate what I'm about to do, I have to do it. I spill out 4 pills into my palm, swallow them quickly with the bottle of water I have. I hate that I do this but I really hate the withdrawal more. I know I have to stop, and I told Andi that I would, and I am... I'm just going to finish this bottle and then stop.

I take in a deep breath and once again feel that amazing euphoric calmness taking over my entire body. I probably shouldn't be driving but I'm not completely inebriated. I'm still aware of everything around me, I'm just feeling so, so good right now. I wait a few more minutes, just until the initial rush wears off a little, then start the ignition and pull away from the curb.

*****

"So when is he supposed to get here?"

I hear a faint booming voice as I walk up to the door of the rehearsal space where I was told to meet Tom, Brad, and Tim.

"Uh... he should be here soon,"

I hear another voice as I stand just outside the door for a moment to finish my smoke. I'll pretty much know at least within the first 10 minutes of meeting them if I'm gonna like them and if we're gonna vibe well together. I'm a little nervous about it and that's just because I'm never good at meeting anyone for the first time. I can be so awkward and shy, but I'm going to try my best to not be that way here. I butt out my smoke, take in a deep breath and exhale, then walk inside the rehearsal room door. There they were, all hanging out looking like they were waiting for me as they all turn to see me walking in. Now I feel kinda bad.

No, Chris don't think like that

"Hi... uh... Chris right?" Tim gets up from his stool first smiling with his bass around his shoulders extending his hand for me to shake.

"Hi... yea..." I smile back shaking his hand trying really hard not to feel awkward.

"I'm uh Tim... That's Brad and Tom... I think we've sort of met before like a long time ago but I figured I would just... you know," Tim smiles at me and I chuckle.

"Yea, no of course," I smile back.

"So, we're not really sure how this all works but... we figured we would just meet and maybe jam a little if you want... see how it goes... it's really up to you," Tom says smiling at me.

"No, actually that sounds good to me," I say and the smiles that spread across their faces just made me feel really welcome.

We all talk a little bit more and then, Tom hands me a few old Rage songs to get a feel for me and I just suggest some songs from Soundgarden and they were totally cool with it. I was surprised they actually knew a few which made it all the more easier.

The look on their faces when I started to sing sparked something inside me. This is going to work. This is really going to work. We all just started writing, well... they had some music already written and I just suddenly had lyrics flow out of me as we all just started jamming with each other. Like I said, I pretty much knew within the first 10 minutes if this was going to work and suddenly that 10 minutes turned into 2 hours. I completely lost track of time. We definitely have something here....

Andi

I hate waiting.

I hate waiting in a line at the bank, the grocery store and I really hate waiting when it comes to doctor's appointments.

I wish Chris was here with me. He's always able to help me take my mind off the fact that I'm waiting. He has a meeting with his manager today and then he's meeting with the guys who used to be in Rage Against The Machine, to jam a little bit I think. I remember Chris mentioning a while ago about how they wanted to start up a band after Zach left and I guess a producer friend of theirs suggested Chris. I have a feeling that Chris is going to be so excited. I know how much he misses being in a band. As much as he loves his solo work, I know he loves being a part of a band, like a family.

So it's just me here all by myself.

Fuck I'm nervous. I know I've been through this before but that was so long ago and of course I don't remember everything on how this goes. I just want to make sure that what happened before, doesn't happen again. It's funny how we tried for so long the first time when we were planning to have a baby and this time we weren't planning at all and 'surprise'.

It's funny how the universe works sometimes...

"Andrea Cornell?" The nurse calls and I look up from my magazine, feeling my stomach doing flip flops.

"The doctor will see you now," She smiles at me and I stand up to head into the room.

****

"Ok, so lets take a look and see how far along you are," The doctor says as she gestures for me to move up on the examining table. The whole time my heart was just pounding, feeling like it was about to burst out of my chest. I lift up my shirt as she places that extremely cold gel on my stomach, and starts with the ultra sound. The room was silent for the most part as it took a little bit for her to see what was going on. She asked me how I was feeling, when the last time I had my period and if I had any other symptoms other than the morning sickness, which that was basically the only symptom I had and still kind of do. I'm feeling nauseous right now and it's taking everything I have not to run into the washroom to throw up again.

"Alright, looks like we found the little peanut here," She says and turns the ultrasound monitor towards me and points to a little fuzzy blob on the monitor that I couldn't really make out but oh my god, it's really there.

"So, it looks to me like you are about... 9 weeks along... which would put your due date for October 18, now it might change as you progress but at least you have an approximate date,"

I had no idea what to even say. I have a due date already. It's really real. Well I know it's real from the test that I took but, it's real. I'm having a baby.

"Congratulations," She smiles at me and all I could do was giggle.

"Thank you," I giggle and wipe away a tear. Oh great the hormones are starting.

"Does everything look ok?" I ask trying not to cry.

"Everything looks really good. The baby is in the right spot... I know it's really early right now but you have nothing to worry about. We'll set you up with another appointment at your 12th week just to make sure everything is progressing well. I know you had a bit of a rough time with your last pregnancy so... but as of right now, just relax, eat well and keep your energy up... I'll prescribe some prenatal vitamins which should also help with the nausea, but you'll find that the sickness part should end in a couple of weeks," She smiles at me while she puts the ultrasound away and prints out the little picture of my baby, then writes down a prescription on her note pad. She hands me the prescription with the picture and the overwhelming feeling inside me right now, feels like it's about to burst through my chest. I'll never understand how you can fall so in love with someone you've never met.

"I'll uh, give you a few minutes here... so uh, yea just take it easy and... we'll see you in a few weeks," She smiles at me and congratulates me once again, then leaves me to clean off the cold gel from my stomach. I can't tell you how unbelievably happy I am right now. I just want everything to be ok. 

*****

A little while later back at home, I was feeling a little drained still so I decided to take a hot bubble bath just to relax. The vitamins the doctor gave me helped a little bit but I just can't wait until I'm passed the first 12 weeks. At least then the nausea should stop. It's funny, I don't remember feeling like this the first time. It's weird how your body, or your mind forgets things like that.

As I throw my curls up in a hair tie on top of my head, a few stray curls escaping, I ease myself into the large claw foot tub full of bubbles. The hot , but not too hot, water relaxing me instantly. I lean my head back, close my eyes and let out a long exhale, then hear the front door close downstairs.

"Baby, you home?" I hear Chris call from downstairs.

"Yea, I'm up here," I call back with my eyes still closed. I hear him make his way up the stairs, into our bedroom then appearing in the bathroom doorway, his hair spiked up and messy, his beard perfectly trimmed, in his white tight fitted tank top and black bootleg jeans.

"Hi," He smiles so cutely, his Irish blues gleaming as I open my eyes to look up at him.

"Hey, how'd it go? " I smile back at him, sitting up a little with the bubbles all around as he walks over to me.

"Baby it went so well! I'm sorry I didn't mean to stay so long but we just really clicked you know? I mean we just started hanging out and jamming and fuck, we wrote a couple of songs already... I mean I don't know how good they are but fuck, It was so good... I'm excited you know?" He says so happily with a big smile on his face as he grabs the little step stool and sits down beside me. Fuck he's so adorable right now. It's been so long since I've seen him inspired like this.

"That's awesome babe," I smile back at him, moving over to the side of the tub, resting my arms on the edge as he leans into place a kiss on my lips.

"So how'd the appointment go?" He asks when he pulls away, brushing a damp curl from my face.

"Good... the doctor says everything looks good... I have another appointment in April... Um, could you pass me that paper over there on the counter?" I ask.

I wanted him to see the picture but I want him to find it for himself. He gives me a confused look and turns from me, I raise my eyebrow and smirk as he reaches across and grabs the paper off the counter. He looks down at the paper as he turns to me, realizing it's the photo from the ultrasound. He furrows his brow for a second as he looks like he's trying to make out just what he is looking at.

"Wait... is this...?" He trails off still looking at the photo.

"Uh huh... it's hard to see but, It's right there," I say as I point to the fuzzy blob on the photo. He smiles as he looks at the photo and looks up at me, his blue eyes wide with love and excitement.

"I'm about 9 weeks along and she told me I should be due October 18th but it might change just depending on how I progress," I smile at him.

"And everything is ok?" He asks almost looking like he's about to cry.

"Uh huh... she said everything looks really good," I smile back.

Suddenly he drops the photo on the floor, grabs my face in his palms and presses his lips to mine. Startled, I let out a little squeal and giggle against his lips, then in one movement, he breaks away from me as I attempt to catch my breath, stands up and starts to climb into the bath tub with me still completely clothed.

"Chris! What are you doing?! Are you crazy!?" I exclaim surprised and confused, laughing the whole time as he splashes into the tub with me, the bubbles flying everywhere, with him completely soaked.

"Only for you baby," He laughs and pulls me into his lap, the bubbles continuing to fly everywhere as some water splashes onto the floor. I throw my head back laughing as he presses his lips to my throat, as I wrap my arms around him to steady myself in his lap. He laughs as he continues to kiss my neck, moving to my jawline, breaking away for a moment and I touch my forehead to his, giggling. After a few moments, my giggling calms down as his blue eyes look into mine under his brow. He bites his bottom lip, then presses his lips back to mine again, his kiss sending cold shivers all over my body despite being in the warm water.

His lips, so soft, move with mine hungrily and passionately as his tongue plays with mine, eagerly wanting to dominate. Then like I always do, start to suck on his bottom lip. His tongue flicks at my top lip as his hands grip my hips in the water around us, moving up my back as I move myself to wrap my legs around his waist. My fingers find there way to lace through his spiky messy hair, turning slightly curly from the water that was splashing, much like mine does, as our lips stay locked together. My fingers move from his hair, down to his shoulders and over his chest, brushing over his nipples that were very apparent through his white wet tank top that was now see through. Just touching him instantly sends shivers straight to my core. I trail my fingers down further, over his toned flat abs and begin to peel up his tank top, breaking away from his lips for a moment to lift it off of him, tossing it as it makes a wet sound connecting with the tile floor.

His lips crash back to mine for a moment as we shift in the water, while he quickly unbuttons his jeans and somehow takes them off while we were still in the water, lifting them up and slumping them on the side of the bathtub. His hands make there way back to my hips as he draws me back into him. I sigh ever so slightly against his lips as he trails his fingertips from my hips up to my ribs, feeling his hardness push up against me as I straddle him in the water. His lips break away from mine, trailing to my jawline, playfully biting, moving down to my throat as I tilt my head back and let out a soft whimper.

"Bed?" He says with his lips grazing across my skin, I exhale not wanting him to stop kissing me and wanting him so bad right now.

"Uh huh," I breathe as he gently bites my throat, his fingers moving to brush my nipples, sending electricity through my entire being. I bite my bottom lip, reluctantly moving away from him, as we both quickly climb out of the tub, grabbing the towels off the rack and drying each other off. Then one movement, he grabs my hips and picks me up while I wrap my legs around him and he carries me over to the bed, us both laughing as he sets me down.

He climbs up overtop of me, his lips moving down to my chest, my laughter quieting down as he continues to brush his lips across my skin moving to my nipple and ever so gently nipping at it with his teeth. I exhale slowly as his hands move to my ribs and I arch my back to him raising my arms above my head.

His touch, sending me to a world where only he and I exist, the outside world melting away and I become one with him. His fingers trail down my sides and to my hips while I close my eyes and eagerly open my legs for him.

He chuckles as he immediately moves down to my hips, placing soft kisses on my hipbone, across my abdomen until he reaches just above my entrance. My breath hitches as I feel his hands move just around my clit but not actually touching, torturing me all along the way. I begin to move around a little trying to relax but his constant teasing won't allow me to stay still. He continues to place soft sweet kisses on my hip and then, just like what I was waiting for, he places his lips softly on my clit as he moves my legs to reveal myself to him even more. The feeling is almost overwhelming due to the torturous anticipation leading up to the moment.

He starts slow and gentle, his tongue gently flicking and playing with my clit, using various circular motions as his fingers trail to just outside my slit, gently stroking and caressing every inch. I let out a moan from deep within myself and take in a deep breath as I grip the bed sheets above my head.

"Oh... fuck," I whimper.

Chris starts to suck my clit more persistently and intently, hitting all the right places. He moves his lips away from me which surprises me as well as leaving slight disappointment and replaces his lips with his thumb, stroking perfectly causing that overwhelming pressure to build inside.

"Oh my god... I don't think... I can take it anymore..." I whimper in between each pant, trying desperately to control my breathing as he edges me to the peak.

"Yes, you can baby, I know you can... now cum for me... you need to let it go..." He encourages, glancing in my direction watching my reaction to him, his voice sending me over the edge as I cry out, releasing everything inside me.

"That's my girl," He purrs low and lustfully as I lose myself in the fantasy of his touch, my cries filling the room. Without waisting any more time, he climbs up over me, his lips crashing to mine as I reach up and thread my fingers through his messy locks. His throbbing length pushing inside me, slow and sensual at first but then as I become adjusted to him, which does not take very long, I respond, moving my hips as he begins to pick up the pace.

His lips break away from mine and he hovers over me, my hands moving from his hair down to his toned smooth bare chest and stopping just at his heart to feel it beating hard and intense. I watch him over me, reacting to the movements of my hips, matching each thrust with a rhythm only he and I share. His eyes closed, a furrowed brow, his lips part and a groan low from deep within him, shake my body to the core.

"Yes baby, don't... fucking... stop," I pant, my voice full of lust, passion strength and confidence. A voice that has been there all along and all I needed was him to show me that.

His eyes flutter shut and he throws his head back, crying out, filled with pure intense emotion and pleasure as he releases himself inside me, the sensation of his orgasm sending me into pure ecstasy as I release myself all over him once more.

Chris slowly collapses down on top of me, his hands moving to my face to brush some of the stray curls that has matted to my cheeks. He looks into my eyes as a smile spreads across his flushed lips, his bottom lip teasing me as he brushes across my lip.

"I fucking love you," I blurt out, causing him to laugh sweetly as I laugh with him.

"I fucking love you more," He chuckles and presses his lips to mine.


	23. Close Your Eyes And Fly Away

Seattle Washington, March 27 2000

"Ok... well, it's gonna have to do," I say to myself as I smooth out my dark hair. I was in our bedroom as usual finishing up the last of straightening my hair, and giving up at this one piece that just wont lay down right, and adjust my White Zombie band shirt that I have cut and styled as usual. It's a little tight given the fact that I'm showing a little baby bump, but it's hardly noticeable at all.

I had gotten tickets to see Static-X at The Moore Theatre tonight, a sort of industrial- alternative new metal band from California and I was so excited to see them. I figured this would be one last big concert hurrah before I start to get too big to do anything. Chris had never heard them before and so when I started playing a few tracks off their album, he instantly liked them and was excited to go.

I can't tell you how amazing it is to not be throwing up every single day like I had been for the last few weeks. I think I'm finally passed that whole morning sickness which is such a relief. I hated feeling like that everyday.

I finish up my make up quickly, a dark smoky eye, smooth out my ripped black leggings, tie up my Doc Marten's and head out of the bedroom. As I make my way downstairs, I hear Chris in the studio working on some music, his voice filling the whole room. I will never ever get tired of hearing him sing like that. He still has such emotion even when it's just him in the room all by himself. I have noticed though that his voice is a little huskier and a bit strained at times. It's ok, I mean, I love the huskiness it's just the straining sound that concerns me. I just hope he's not hurting himself when he does that, but who am I to say anything? I can't sing a note at all.

He stops abruptly and I hear him mumble something incoherently, sounding frustrated. Once I reach the living room, he emerges from the studio, in a black fitted tank top, his army green baggy shorts that hang below the knee, his Doc Marten's as usual, his hair spiky but messy but his face showing the frustration that he just expelled downstairs.

"Hey," I smile as I walk over to him.

"Hi," He offers a half smile and places a quick kiss on my lips, then turns and heads into the kitchen, lighting up a smoke as he does so.

"So, are you as excited as I am to go tonight?" I smile, my brown eyes glowing wide as I follow him into the kitchen.

"Yea," He clears his throat and giggles, flashing me a glance, his blue eyes squinting from the smoke rising. He heads towards the kitchen counter, opening up the cupboard, grabbing a glass and the bottle of Jack Daniels. Then he opens the fridge, grabbing some ice and a can of Diet Coke and pouring himself a drink. Normally I would feel so jealous that I can't drink but I'm honestly excited to go to this concert sober. It just means that I'll remember it more. I just hope my anxiety doesn't act up. That's how I would normally deal with large crowds before, especially at concerts but I think I'll be ok.

"Once I finish this drink, we'll head out," He says and takes a sip.

"Ok," I say as I open the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

"Everything going ok downstairs?" I ask as I closed the fridge door.

"Yea... yea everything's good," He says and takes another sip. I push my dark hair behind my ear and turn to him though he doesn't look at me and takes another drag of his smoke.

"You sure...? It just sounded like you were mad... or something," I ask as I look up at him, admiring his small silver hoop earring shining in the kitchen light, his perfectly trimmed beard and those beautiful full lips.

Fuck, I want him.

Ever since the morning sickness subsided, I want him all the time. It's like as soon as I started feeling really good, my hormones kicked in and I can't help it. I always had a pretty high sex drive before I was pregnant, but it seems to be elevated now for some reason. If that is even possible. I think about it every single second. I'm even thinking about it right now. I just want him to bend me over this kitchen counter and -

" - baby?" He smirks, breaking me out of my fantasy.

"Uh, yea... what?" I clear my throat and close my eyes for a second to control myself.

"I said everything is fine, are you ready to go?" He smirks taking another sip of his drink and butting out his smoke into the ashtray.

"Uh, huh," I exhale and bite my bottom lip. I move closer to him, sliding myself in between the counter and him as his blue eyes remain locked on to mine. I set my water down and move my hands to his waist, trailing my fingers to his belt and unbuckling the clasp.

"Andi?" He chuckles but doesn't stop me. He leans down, resting his hands on the counter, on either side of me and I press my lips to his, eagerly sucking his bottom lip.

I have no idea where this came from but I need him so bad right now.

Pushing down his shorts, along with his boxers, my hands eagerly move to the length of him. He lets out a surprised moan as I start messaging while I continue to suck on his bottom lip. I break away from his lips, moving to his neck and to his earlobe, gently nipping while I continue to massage him in my palm. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, everything that I'm doing doesn't seem to be doing anything. With him in my one hand, I move my other hand up under his black tank, feeling his smooth slender torso, up to his chest while I trail my lips to the spot just under his earlobe, where I know it drives him crazy.

Still nothing.

"Babe..." He breathes.

"Chris," I exhale lustfully with my lips still against his skin. My fingertips brush over his nipple, while I still continue to message him in my palm, but still no reaction to me at all.

"Baby,"

"I want you. I want you inside me. I want you to fuck me," I whisper, thinking maybe a little dirty talk would help.

"Andrea, Stop," He says and pulls away from me. I look at him confused as he looks away from me, pulling his boxers and shorts back up and buckling his belt. I suddenly felt weird and didn't know what to say.

"I... I uh, I'm just -"He fumbles trying to explain. I remain silent and confused, looking away and down at myself, feeling hurt and saddened that he rejected me. He's never not reacted to me before and certainly has never stopped me before. If anything, me taking control would always turn him on the most.

"I'm just... gonna use the washroom before we head out..." He says quietly, grabbing his drink and taking the last sip, then setting the glass on the counter.

"Sure," I say quietly still not knowing what to say.

'Sure?' What the hell just happened?

He gives me a quick peck on my temple and turns to head out of the kitchen as I watch him walk away. 

The Moore Theatre

Chris and I arrive at The Moore Theatre a short while later, us both forgetting about what happened before. I didn't want to dwell on it. It's not that big of a deal anyways. He's probably just pre-occupied with working on his music. That's what I'm telling myself at least. I just want to forget about it for now and have fun with him.

We walk up to the doors of the theatre, hand in our tickets and make our way inside. The place is full of people already, which I was expecting, I just didn't think there was going to be this many people. As the opening band, Dope plays, Chris takes my hand and with his fingers laced through mine, he leads me into the theatre, pushing passed as many people as we could and down the steps towards the bar.

"I ...! don't need your forgiveness  
I ....! don't need your hate  
I...! don't need your acceptance  
So what should I do...?"

"I'm gonna get a drink, do you want anything?" Chris leans into my ear so that I could hear.

"No I'm ok," I say and he places a quick kiss on my temple, then squeezes in between a few people to order a drink.

"... don't do what I've been told  
You're so lame why don't you  
Just go   
Die mother fucker die mother fucker die...!"

As I stand next to Chris, scanning the crowd to see if there was anyone that I knew, the pit right in front of the stage opened up and everyone was just losing their minds. I feel like it's been so long since we've been to a concert that I almost forgot how crazy people can get. After a few moments, Chris turns back around with two drinks in his hands and I raise my eyebrow at him.

"Just so I don't have to come back for a bit," He says and takes a sip from one of the drinks. He's been drinking all day today and I'm surprised he's able to stand straight. I don't know if it's because I can't drink, but lately I've been noticing just how much he's been drinking along with the pills that he's still taking that he promised me he was going to stop taking. I haven't said anything because I know how much his shoulder hurts, but I just wish he wouldn't lie to me about it. At this point, telling me he's going to stop is a lot different than actually stopping.

"Do you want to get closer to the front?" He asks leaning into me.

"Uh.. maybe a little, I don't want to get too close to the pit though," I say nervously. Normally I would be all over getting in on the edge of the pit but I'm just a little scared only because I'm pregnant and I don't want anything to happen.

"Don't worry babe," Chris says and nods towards the front of the stage. Since his hands were full, I grab the bottom of his black tank top and follow him through the crowd to get a little closer. We find a space near the stage but far enough away from the pit so I would be alright.

Dope then ends their set and a flood of people leave the main area, heading outside for a much needed intermission, which opens up the floor a little bit so we could take advantage of the freed up space. I scan the crowd once more to see if I recognized anyone when suddenly I do and I thought my heart was about to stop.

It was Kim.

"Hey!" I yell without even realizing it and Chris looks up to see Kim stop and look in our direction. A smile slowly spreads across his face, his big brown eyes growing wide with happiness.

"Andi!" He laughs as he walks towards me, us both wrapping each other in a friendly hug. It has been so long since I've seen him, 3 years to be exact, that I almost started to cry. We pull away from each other and talk for just a few seconds, then Kim turns to see Chris taking a sip of his drink.

"Hey man, good to see you," Kim says and Chris gives him a half smile. I wish I could explain the tension that suddenly filled the space between all three of us but it was awkward to say the least. Chris and Kim haven't talked or seen each other since the last Soundgarden concert in Hawaii back in '97. 

Kim extends his hand and Chris slowly takes the gesture, shaking his hand but remains quiet. I look at Chris confused for a moment but then Kim turns back to me.

"So, I'm gonna head out for a smoke, but I'm sure I'll catch you guys in a bit?"

"Um yea sure," I say to Kim and we hug each other once more, then he walks away. I turn back to Chris as he quickly downs his second drink and looks at me once he finishes.

"I'm uh, gonna get another drink, you sure you don't want anything?" Chris asks me a little slurry already.

"No I'm ok," I say.

"Ok I'll be right back," He says, giving me a quick kiss on my forehead and heading up to the bar.

What is going on with him? Why won't he talk to me?

A few moments later, everyone floods back into the theatre, the lights go down and the video screens behind the equipment begin to play some visuals as the intro to the band begins to play. With Chris beside me, he takes another sip of his drink while I squeeze his hand as Tony Campos, Ken Jay and Koichi Fukuda walk out on stage. Then last but certainly not least of all, Wayne Static comes out, his jet black hair standing straight up, spiked up to the sky and I thought I was going to lose it. He is just so freaking cool.

" He's A Loser She Said!!!" Wayne screams and the evil disco permeates through the audience, everyone jumping and losing their shit.

I turn to face Chris and jump up and down so excitedly like a crazy person, Chris smiling at me and sort of getting into it with me, but he's obviously now quite inebriated.

"Great pains, I've gone to   
gang slang, I've gone to lame brain  
Looking for gold, I  
I have become someone else  
Outside stepping to inside  
Stepping to my side  
SteppingI wade through shit

He's a loser  
He's a loser, She said!!  
He's a loser  
He's a loser, She said!!"

It's such a different experience when you're sober. It's weird how I feel half nervous and scared mixed with anger, lust, and pain but so fucking excited all at the same time. Chris just seems different though, like he can't let whatever is eating at him go. I just wish he would tell me what's going on in his head.

"And I beat him in the skull and took him down"  
"And I beat him in the skull and took him down"  
"And then I grabbed a rope and I hogtied him"

*****

Once the show was over and the lights came up, Chris was quite drunk to say the least. I hadn't seen him like this since Duff and Susan's wedding and this time he was just as difficult with his attitude.

"You don't have to carry me, I can walk," He slurs as we try to make our way out of the theatre.

"Well can you at least try to walk somewhat normal? I don't want to make a scene and get us kicked out of here," I say trying to steady him but he keeps pushing me away.

"How are we going to get kicked out, when we're leaving anyways?" He smirks slurring his words as he tries to focus on walking out of the building.

"You can still get in shit for being too intoxicated," I say looking at him as I try to put my arm through his.

"Whatever," He slurs sarcastically and I've just about had enough.

"Hey Andi, you guys alright?"

I look up and see Kim beside us moving towards the exit as well.

"Oh, yea... it's just really packed in here," I giggle trying to deflect the fact that Chris is being ridiculous right now.

"Yes we are fine," Chris slurs shooting a look at Kim. Kim raises his eyebrow at him and looks at me.

"And if you have something to say, say it and stop looking at my wife like I don't exist," Chris blurts out, stopping us from moving. I look up at Chris trying to get him to shut the hell up but of course he keeps going.

"Uh, I didn't really, I was just making sure you're alright," Kim says flatly, his expression stone cold and calm.

"Yes I'm fine. Very fine in fact. I feel great, amazing even, thank you for asking," Chris remarks slurring sarcastically.

"Chris, shut up and let's go," I say under my breath as I try to move us through to the exit.

"Hey... I meant no harm at all Chris," Kim says still calm and collected but looking at Chris concerned.

"Yea, well we're fine, we're still together, happily married and having a baby - "

"Chris!" I cut him off shooting him an angered look. I didn't want anyone to know yet, only because I'm not passed the first trimester yet and haven't had my second check up to make sure everything is positively good.

"What?" Chris looks down at me.

"Just... let's go home, " I was so frustrated but I didn't want to yell at him here in front of Kim and everyone else in the crowd. I look back at Kim and he looks at us both concerned. This not how I wanted this to go at all.

*****

Once we get outside, Chris finds a spot and leans against the brick wall of the theatre lighting up a smoke as I say goodbye to Kim while we wait for a cab. Kim congratulates my pregnancy saying how much he is happy for me. I explain how I didn't want anyone to know just yet so he understood. After a few moments, Kim walks over to say goodbye to Chris. I couldn't really hear what Kim was saying as I wanted to leave them to talk on their own, but from what I could tell, Kim looked like he was genuinely concerned for Chris and what he's doing. Chris just looked like he brushed him off and Kim reluctantly walks away from him. I walk back over to Chris as he sloppily finishes his smoke and leans back against the wall.

"Is the cab here yet?" He slurs.

"It's on it's way," I say.

"Ok," He says closing his eyes and leaning his head against the brick wall.

*****

The whole cab ride home, Chris laid down in the backseat of the cab with his head in my lap as I stroked his spiky dark hair, guiding the cab driver back to our house. Once we finally reached home, I helped him out of the cab as best I could, to our front door and inside, eventually making our way upstairs to the bedroom so he could lay down. He wasn't able to be coherent enough to undress himself so I helped him out of his clothes as he lay on the bed.

I can't even begin to describe how tired and frustrated I am with him, and angry at the fact that he lied when he said he would stop. This hurts more than anything to see him do this to himself. I just want to make everything ok. I want everything to go back to the way it was before, when he was happy and it's pissing me off that he's still doing this knowing I am having his baby.

Why wont he talk to me? Why can't I make it better? Why am I not enough?


	24. I Know I'm Headed For The Bottom

Seattle Washington, April 5 2000

Andi

"Chris... baby... hey... you awake?"

I kneel beside him on the bed as he lays face down, the sheet only pulled up to his hips, his face buried in the pillow. I move my hand over his bare back, gently rubbing in between his shoulder blades as I hear him let out a moan.

It was the day of my next appointment for the baby so I was excited to see how everything is going. I've been feeling really good since the night of the concert, so I figure I'm passed that whole morning sickness part of the pregnancy.

"What?" He says groggily and muffled by the pillow.

" Are you coming with me?" I ask quietly as I rub his back.

"What time is it?" He moans still groggily and muffled by the pillow.

"It's 8:30," I say glancing over at the clock. He groans again, this time rolling over on to his back, his eyes still closed, facing away from me, the sheet barely covering his hips. I glance over his bare torso as I reach up and run my fingers through his messy hair, trying to gently wake him up.

"Just give me a few minutes," He groans annoyed. I remove my hand from his hair feeling slightly hurt and look at him.

"You don't have to come with me, I was just asking," I say defensively.

"Babe... just give me a few minutes ok?" He says again. I let out a frustrated sigh and climb off the bed.

I hate it when he's like this. The only time he's like this is when he's been drinking and hungover from the night before and he's been like this in the morning a lot more often lately. I know hangovers suck but he doesn't need to be a dick to me.

"Whatever Chris... I'll be downstairs,"

"Babe, hey... come here... come back here..." He says slowly sitting up and reaching out for me. He looks up at me with his blue eyes still sleepy as he gently pulls me back to him.

"I'm sorry... I'm just... I feel like shit, just give me a couple of minutes and I'll be ready ok?"

"Ok," I say quietly. He pulls me closer to him placing a kiss on the back of my hand, then placing a kiss on my neck making me giggle with the tickle of his beard. He always gets me with those soft lips of his. He pulls away from me and climbs out of bed, heading into the washroom and closes the door. I quickly make the bed and then head downstairs to wait for him. 

Chris

As soon as I close the bathroom door, I could already feel my body shaking from the horrible withdrawal and hangover that is plaguing my insides. I need to take a shower so bad, so I jump in really quick, trying to hold myself steady as I let the water wash over me. Fuck this sucks, this really, really sucks. I feel like I've been dragged behind a Mack truck for about a week and then tossed off the edge of a cliff to plummet to my death. That would be amazing though, free falling through the air off a cliff without a care in the world.

I finish my shower but I still don't feel any better than before. I dry myself off as best I can, wrap the towel around my hips, and walk over to the bathroom sink to examine myself in the mirror. I don't feel like shaving but I should. I'm a little scruffy looking. I decide to give myself a quick shave and trim my beard, but I'm still so shaky as fuck. Once I clean of the last of the shaving cream from my face, I open up the bottom drawer of the sink vanity and pull out my little bottle of Oxycocet. Maybe just a little will help take the edge off.

I screw off the cap and pour 4 pills into my palm. I'm going to need to do this quick so that the first rush wears off before Andi notices. I set the pills down on the counter of the vanity and use the bottom of the pill bottle to crush up the pills. I close my eyes for a moment and let out a quick breath, then in one quick movement, I treat my nose to that sweet burn and that beautiful euphoric sensation washes over my entire body.

Andi

A little bit later, we climb into Chris's black '69 Dodge Charger and make our way down the road to head to my doctor's appointment. It's a bit quiet in the car so I decide to throw on some Korn I've been so addicted to their Issues album. I can't stop listening to it.

As the beginning of the album comes through the car stereo speakers, I glance over at Chris who seems especially quiet, in a plain black T-shirt and tighter fitted bootleg jeans, his dark hair spikey but slightly messy like usual, his beard perfectly trimmed puffing away on his cigarette, his eyes squinting as the smoke rises and floats out the open window.

"You ok?" I ask after a few moments.

"Huh?" He says quickly glancing at me behind his sunglasses.

"Are you ok? You seem a little distant or... something," I say looking at him as he takes a drag of his cigarette and looking back out the windshield.

"I'm fine babe..." He says groggily still, which sort of sounded like he was slurring but I couldn't really tell. I raise my eyebrow at him, feeling slightly worried and confused but we continue to make our way down the road.

We come up to a stop light and he takes the last drag of his cigarette then butts it out in the ashtray. We sit for a few moments while I glance over at him as he shifts in the driver's seat and I can see his eyes beginning to close. I look back out the windshield looking up at the red light and feeling like this is the longest red light I've ever sat through. I glance back at Chris and he looks to be struggling to keep his eyes open. He opens his eyes quickly just in time to see the light turn green and we take off through the intersection.

"Chris, are you sure you're ok?" I ask, trying not to sound scared.

"Yea baby, I'm fine... Just the sun's really bright, it's bugging my eyes," He says though he doesn't look at me but struggles to keep them open. He continues to drive us down the road when suddenly he starts to swerve, which began to scare the shit out of me.

"Chris, what did you take?" I ask.

"Huh?" He slurs.

"What did you take?" I say and reach over with my one hand to steady the wheel for him.

"I uh..." He mumbles.

"Ok... lets just pull over..." I say trying to not panic as I help him with the steering wheel and we pull over to the side of the road. Once the car stops, I put it in park and unbuckle my seat belt and turn to face him.

"Baby..." He slurs.

"Just tell me what you took," I say as calmly as I can looking at him as he leans his head back closing his eyes, facing me.

"You're mad," He slurs almost childlike, his eyes remaining closed as I remove his sunglasses.

"I'm not mad... what did you take? Was it the Oxycocet?" I ask calmly and he attempts to open his eyes to look at me, his head nodding ever so slowly.

"How many...?" I ask as he closes his eyes again. My bottom lip starts to quiver as I watch him nod off for a moment and then attempt to open his eyes again.

"Huh?" He slurs again.

"How many did you take...?" I ask calmly even though I'm freaking the fuck out inside and trying so hard not to cry because I'm so scared. I didn't even notice that he was like this when we left the house. He seemed perfectly fine... hung over but fine.

"I don't re-remem-ber," He slurs.

Oh my god Chris... what did you do?

"I fucked up," He slurs as if he heard what I was thinking. I place my hand on his forehead to make sure he wasn't sweating or anything. I wasn't really sure how to tell if he overdosed or not, 'cause he's still able to somewhat speak to me, but he obviously took too much. It's scaring the shit out of me that he took too much.

"I'm sorry, I fucked up... I'm so fucked up," He furrows his brow a little and I just want to scream at him in anger, but I can't do that right now. I need to somehow get him back home or... fuck I don't know, but I don't want to leave him alone. I can't leave him alone. I open the passenger door and get out, walking around to the driver's side and I open the door. I help him slide over to the passenger side and I climb into the driver side, adjusting the seat and the steering wheel as he attempts to sit properly in the passenger side but nodding off again, leaning his head back on the seat and facing me. I reach into my bag and pull out my cell phone and start to make a call.

"What are you doing?" He asks opening his eyes trying to focus on me.

"I'm calling the doctor and cancelling the appointment,"

"No baby, no I'm fine... we can go," He says slurred but worried. I don't say anything back and make the call.

"Hi yea it's Andrea Cornell calling... um, I need to cancel my appointment -"

"Babe," He says, his eyelids droopy as he looks at me.

"Yea... It was for 10:00am... ok yea, I'll call back to reschedule -"

"Babe," He repeats.

"Ok, thank you," I say and hang up.

"Andi, I'm fine... we can go," He says closing his eyes again.

"No, we're going back home," I say flatly as I check the mirrors and pull back out onto the road.

"Babe -"

"Chris, we're going back home," I say sternly, cutting him off as I make our way down the road.

*****

Back at home, Chris was upstairs sleeping off his high. The whole way home he kept insisting that we go to my appointment, but there was no way I was going into that doctors office with him the way that he was.

I make him cup of coffee, just the way he likes it and head upstairs. I walk in through the bedroom door and see him laying on his side, facing my side of the bed, the covers pulled up to his hips just like before, his bare chest rising and falling with each deep breath he takes. I gently climb up on to the bed beside him, leaning over him to set his cup on the table, then kneeling down beside him watching him sleep.

I wish there was a way to explain how much I love him. I've loved him since I was 18 years old. I cannot believe how long he's been apart of my life. We've been through everything together. Other than the year we were apart, which was now 6 years ago, I don't remember what it's like to be without him.

Now we're having a baby, and this time I know it's going to be different. I am going to my best to make sure nothing happens to this baby. I have never wanted anything more in my life. Chris and this baby are everything to me. I already lost a baby, I don't want to lose him too.

I reach over and run my fingers through his soft dark hair as he stirs a little but seems to stay asleep. Then after a few moments, he takes in a deep breath and slowly flutters his blue eyes open and looks up at me.

"Hey," He says groggily

"Hey," I say quietly. He continues to look up at me, blinking slowly a few times, then closing his eyes again sighing as I continue to play with his hair.

"That feels nice," He says softly exhaling.

"I made you some coffee, it's on the table there," I say as he snuggles into my palm a little.

"Thank you baby," He turns as I slowly let go of him, and sits up a little to take a sip, then leans up against the headboard, closing his eyes for a moment.

"You wanna tell me what's going on now?" I ask after a few moments of us sitting together in silence. I finally have the courage to confront him about this.

"What do you mean?" He says, his eyes still closed.

"I mean... what's going on with you?" I ask and he glances over at me.

"Nothing,"

"Chris, you can't tell me what happened this morning was nothing, and the night of the concert wasn't just nothing either, so what's going on?" I ask concerned.

"I told you, I take those pills for my shoulder... it was acting up this morning so I took some. I know I may get a little carried away with drinking with them too but..." Chris trails off looking at me then looking away to take a sip of his coffee.

"Look... I'm not mad and I wont be mad if you just tell me the truth. Chris I'm not dumb so, stop lying to me. I just want to know what made you do that this morning... at Duff and Susan's wedding... and the Static-X concert, and all of the other countless times that you've taken them or snorted them and played it off to me like it's nothing. I know there's something wrong and I just want you to tell me - "

"Why? Why do you want me to tell you?" Chris cuts me off becoming defensive even though I am perfectly calm in asking him.

"So I can help you..."

"Help me? Help me how?" He smirks at me in the most sarcastic way and I know he's just doing this so I'll back down but it's not going to work.

"Chris, this Isn't you... This isn't who you are,"

"Ok so then tell me, who am I? Because without the alcohol and the pills, I have no idea who I am. No matter what I do, I can't stop the feeling of pure fucking sadness and hopelessness inside me, and I don't know why. I have no fucking clue why. It's like a fucking war inside my head and the only way I can stop it just for a little while is by getting high. I hate that I do it so I do it more to stop myself from hating myself. It's this fucking viscous circle and I can't get out. The more I hate myself the more I want to do it. All the shit that I've been through before I met you, comes back just out of no where and I have no idea how to fucking let shit go. I don't know why I just can't forget what happened. I lost my band... Kim, like, he just looked at me like I was a piece of shit the night of the concert -"

"No he didn't,"

"Yes he did.. he was my best friend and now he's apparently 'moved on'... my voice Isn't what it used to be and that is fucking scaring the shit outta me. Music used to be my escape and it is for those few moments... but what happens when all that goes away? Then what? I have nothing. Just like when everyone that I had ever loved and cared about, they have either left me or they're dead.... so what do I have left?"

His eyes pierce right through me, his brow furrowing, desperately trying to hold back tears.

"Me and and your baby that I'm carrying right now, that's who you have left," I say with so much emotion that I thought I was going to break down. How dare he forget the only thing that should matter to him, his child I'm carrying inside me.

"Really? How do I know that? You fell in love with someone else so how do I really know that?" He says, his eyes still giving me that piercing look.

"What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Kenny... I'm talking about Kenny Hickey. I'm not mad that you were seeing other guys at all, we weren't together. I'm fucking pissed that you ended up falling for him when I spent so long wanting you back. So how the fuck I'm I supposed to believe that I have you when I never did to begin with..."

That seriously felt like a punch straight into my heart.

"Are we seriously going to talk about Kenny Hickey right now? Chris, that was so long ago - "

"You don't fucking deny the fact that you fell in love with him though," He says angered.

"Chris, this is not about me and Kenny, this is about you and the fact that you have been lying to me about taking these pills for fuck knows how long..."

"Well I guess that makes two of us," Chris sneers at me and I know he's just doing this because he's withdrawing. He can be so fucking mean when he's like this.

"Ok Chris... I was wrong. I never meant to hurt you but you have to understand that I was seriously fucked up myself at that point... because..." I trail off.

"'Cause why?"

"Because I did fall in love with him but it's always been you that I was meant to be with. It's fucking complicated and no matter how many times I try to figure it out myself, I just would rather forget about it because I fucking love you. I'm fucking carrying your baby inside me..." I say and we sit there looking at each other in silence for what feels like forever. As much as I try to explain myself I feel as though it'll never be enough. 

"Look... I know that... when shit got hard before, I made the mistake of leaving you, but I promise to fucking god that I will never leave you ever again. I just want you to stop. I want you to be here for our baby. Even if you don't do it for me, do it for our baby. He or she... whatever deserves to have you here. I love you with everything inside me. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you and you know that. So please, you need to stop,"

He looks away from me for a moment as I look at him, trying to hold it together. I don't need to cry right now. I need him to know that I'm going to do everything I can to help him and the first thing he needs is a fucking detox, big time. I let out a sigh and climb off the bed, making my way to the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" He asks. I say nothing as I open every drawer in the bathroom counter looking for those pills.

"Babe, what are you doing?" Chris asks worriedly as he appears in just his black boxers, in the bathroom doorway. I finally find the bottle, or rather bottles, 3 to be exact, in the bottom drawer under the sink. I close the drawer and walk over to him, holding them in my hand.

"Are you going to do it? Or am I?" I ask as I hold the bottles out to him. He glances down at the bottles and I can see the desperate look on his face. He hesitates giving me an answer so instead I open up the bottles as quickly as I can, walk over to the toilette and dump them in the bowl.

"Andi no!" He exclaims as the toilette flushes. I guess he didn't think I was going to do it, but I did and I throw the empty bottles out in the trash.

This is it. No More.


	25. Go On And Save Yourself

Chris

Hi, again. Just wanted to pop back in for a moment and catch up a little. So, last part... what a part huh? I mean, fuck I was so fucked up at that point. But I just want you to know that I never once intended for anything to happen when I was driving Andi to that appointment. I was just being an idiot and I know that now. Fuck, I wish there was a way I could go back in time and smack myself for that.

I never considered myself to be an addict. I know I've struggled with drugs before in my early teens, but I never thought it would come back. When I was 14 I did drugs like almost everyday, anything you could think of. It started with pot first, as most kids start with, and then somehow progressed into other things, LSD, PCP, speed, coke whatever. After one bad PCP trip, I somehow became so agoraphobic and spent all of my time in my room by myself. At that point, I knew that I was never going to do that again and I threw myself into becoming a musician. My mom was happy that I finally found something that wasn't making me a into a criminal and she was the one who bought me my first snare drum which started this whole musical journey for me. It distracted me from the whole drug scene that was going on at the time and I was able to get a handle on myself.

I did always drink though, but never to the point where I thought I needed everyday until... eventually I did need it everyday just to feel normal. And when you don't think you have a problem, you never make it a problem. You just accept the fact that this is what you do and this is how you are. But I realized that I have a problem and I needed to stop. All of the pain that I've been keeping inside, even though I can let it out in my music, I couldn't mask it with drinking and pills anymore. Andi was right, our baby deserves a father who isn't a fucking drunken pill head. I needed to get back to me. I needed to find who I was without all the alcohol and drugs. I was scared, but I had to do it.

I never realized just how horrible you can feel when stop. The shivering and shaking all over laying in that bed, sweating out everything I've put in my body for so long. The whole time I felt like my bones were brittle crying out for anything to stop the pain. For one thing, Andi flushed down the last of my pills so I couldn't just go out and get a refill. Even if I tried to Andi would stop me. I wish there was a way to explain just how horrible I felt.

I swear it felt like an eternity getting out all the bad shit that I was putting my body through. Hours turned into days and days felt like they turned into weeks. Everything just blurred together and she was there right by my side watching me withdrawal like some crazed animal. I don't know how Andi did it but she stayed by my side. I swear I have no idea what I did to deserve someone like her. She is my everything.

By the time I was actually feeling human again, I had another rehearsal set up with Tim, Brad and Tom. The rehearsal spot was in Los Angeles and Andi actually refused to let me go this time. I thought she had lost her mind 'cause I was ok, I was feeling good and I told her I wasn't going to go back to doing those pills again, but she didn't believe me. I can't say I blame her, I did say I was going to stop before and I never did but this time she saw me quit. She saw how sick I got just stopping them like that. But she wouldn't let me go, and that's when she suggested that I go to rehab.

Now I'm not against anyone who goes to rehab at all. If you need help, I think it's an amazing thing. I just didn't see it working for me... at first. I was always the type to do things on my own, never needing help from anyone. We fought about it at first. Fuck, did we ever fight about it. She was determined to have me go and I have to say if it wasn't for her, I would not have gone at all. The way I was headed was not down the right path at all. Even Tim, Brad and Tom thought it was best that we take a bit of a break from rehearsing and writing so that I could get myself back on track. But it was Andi that really made me see that rehab is the best thing. I just didn't want to miss any part of her pregnancy, though if you think about it, I was missing it by getting high all the time anyways. 'It's only 90 days' she said. 'What are you going to miss? me getting fat?' She'd say smiling that beautiful smile at me.

Fuck, I love her so much.

So I did it. I went to rehab. Spent 90 days basically working on myself and all those things you begin to reveal about yourself when you are in rehab. Learning about what made you start in the first place and just really figuring out who you are without the substances that mask your true self. It was hard but I did it. I'm not perfect as you'll see, just know that, I never realized just what I was keeping deep down inside me until I got help.

All the pain I carry started from my father. I'm not blaming him at all, so please don't think that. He did what he could with the only way he knew how but you never realize just how fucked up you become, especially when you realize not all parents are like that. I never really talked about it before, especially to Andi. She knows a little bit of what I went through but I never told her any of the bad stuff. It was always something that I would just ignore and push down, which now I realize is never a good thing. He always said I was never good enough. He'd rather sit in his chair in the living room, sipping his whiskey and be miserable to me than anything else. I guess that's just how his generation would handle children. I'm not going to go into too much of the abusive details, that's still sometimes too hard to process. But it was either him beating me when I was bad or what he thought was bad, or flat out ignoring me altogether. I'll tell you though, sometimes I would prefer his beating 'cause at least at I knew he was giving me some attention.

There was also stuff about watching a lot of my closest friends fall into that pit of drug use and obviously dying from it. Most of all, Andrew Wood. I can't explain the connection I had with him but he was my best friend. A lot of people used to joke that if we were in a relationship, he would be my girlfriend or something like that. He was just so free of any ability to feel self conscious about himself and he was fucking hilarious! I loved him like a brother and that will never change. 

I miss him.

Then working though the pain of losing lily was pretty much the hardest of all. That entire time after when I just drowned myself and ignored Andi was the worst of it. When Andi left and found someone else that she deserved, or really I felt that she deserved really fucked with me. Kenny is a really great guy, I mean I don't really know him, Kim knows him more than I do - when Kim and I used to speak -and apparently he is actually a fan of Soundgarden, so I don't harbor any ill will towards Kenny at all. I think if we ever meet up, we should talk but I just want to say that I'm not angry, I was hurt but I was never angry, and along with my depression that I never fully admitted to anyone let alone myself, I think that really started my free fall into self medicating.

As you can see, I don't deal with death and losing people very well.

The one thing that really scared me was getting out and being who I am without all the alcohol and pills. Would she still love me? Would I be different with her?

So once again before going too far ahead, I'm going to let my beautiful wife take back over.


	26. 90 Days

Tacoma Washington Airport, August 1 2000

"...Can't be what your idols are

Can't leave the scar

You cry for compensation

I ask you please just give us

5 minutes alone... "

I pull up to the pick-up/drop off place in front of the airport terminal in my black Nissan Pathfinder with Pantera blasting through the stereo speakers.

Fuck I'm so nervous.

It's been so long since I've seen Chris that I feel scared. It's been 93 days since I dropped him off at the airport. The Discovery House, a rehabilitation center in Los Angeles California, was able to take Chris in and get him on the road to recovery. I can't even begin to explain just how fucking much I miss him.

I am so, so proud of him though. I know it was so hard for him to stop. I've never had an issue with quitting drugs and alcohol so I can only just imagine how he felt when I watched him going through all that. I never really did any drugs though, unless you count weed as a drug and I did try mushrooms a few times. I used to be a really big pot head in high school but something happened when I was about 17 and I had a horrible anxiety attack when I smoked way too much one night. It almost turned into a full blown panic attack and since then I never touched weed again, or tried anything else for that matter.

I can't even imagine how I would be if I did anything stronger like speed or coke. But I always did drink though. I always liked the feeling of being drunk for some reason. It always helped the nervousness and shyness I always had when I was around people, but I never felt like I needed it to get through my day. When my mom died and I hit a really low point where I was drinking a lot every day, I don't know how I was able to just stop but I did. I never struggled with it other then the pain of losing my mom, but I knew I had to let myself feel the pain in order to heal or else I would never get better.

Then when we lost Lily, I didn't want to go down that path and drink myself into a pit of misery. Even though I found it unbelievably hard to get out of bed to even shower, I forced myself to not turn to alcohol because I knew that it wouldn't fix my heart break and it wouldn't help my depression either. I just had to feel it and it sucked, but I got through it. That's why I was so determined this time to stay by his side and be there for him when he felt like he couldn't go on. I just wish I had done that when Lily died. But I can't go back and change it, I can only move forward.

I take a deep breath, turn off the ignition and climb out of the driver seat, awkwardly but I am able to manage. Being 7 months pregnant in the summer can really suck sometimes. I am a lot bigger than before but it just seems to be all in my belly. Although sometimes I do feel I look fatter than anything and my back is now beginning to hurt, I just try to ignore it.

Everything is progressing along perfectly with the baby. My due date is still October 18 and I've had no complications at all. Each check-up I've had, the doctor says that I'm right on schedule. It does scare me a little because I don't want anything to happen like last time, but I can't allow myself to think that way or I'll just stress myself out and that's never a good thing.

We are having a little girl. A girl... can you believe it? I can't even tell you how happy, excited, scared outta my fucking mind, but so full of love I am for this little person inside me. When I told Chris on the phone, I swear he started crying. Fuck, that was such an emotional phone call. He was so upset that he couldn't be here with me, and it was dissapointing that I had to go to that appointment all on my own, but he needed to get better and that's all that mattered. He honestly wasn't really missing anything, other than me getting bigger.

Wearing a cream white sleeveless sundress that flowed out perfectly over my stomach, I fluff my dark curls as best I can, letting them fall down around my shoulders, making sure I have my keys, sliding my sunglasses on and adjust my open toe heel wedges. I wanted to look pretty for Chris and hopefully distract him from just how large I've gotten. Even I can't believe I have the courage to wear white... jeeze who am I? I'm like the queen of wearing all things black. But I still have my silver studded wrist cuff on my arm, I need to keep it metal somehow. It's just too hot to wear black today, and it feels 10 times hotter when you're carrying another human inside you.

I close the driver side door and head inside the terminal to meet Chris. I can't stop my heart from feeling like it's going to pound out of my chest. I look down at my cell phone to check the text message he sent me when he left Los Angeles to make sure I'm meeting him in the right terminal.

"Terminal 3... ok," I say to myself, taking off my sunglasses, heading towards the terminal. A few minutes later, I arrive as passengers begin to come off the plane. I watch each person come down the ramp and with each person that passes me, my heart flutters. I'm so nervous, excited and scared to see him but for the most part excited. God how I've missed him.

Just when I thought I couldn't stand it any longer, Chris appears from around the corner of the ramp, his carry-on bag slung across his shoulder, wearing a white long sleeve fitted shirt, with the sleeves pushed up. His short dark hair so perfectly curly but messy at the same time, his bootleg jeans over his boots, different from his usual Doc Marten's, his beard so perfectly trimmed. He looks like he's gained some weight back too. He looks extremely toned and gorgeous... and so much healthier. He looks almost younger than before. He looks so good, that I never realized just how thin he was before.

He flicks his eyes up as he makes his way down the ramp, his gorgeous blues connecting with mine instantly, making my insides feel like they are about to burst. That smile... Oh my god that smile spreading across his face. I feel my bottom lip quivering as my brow furrows, I touch my lips to try to stop but I can't. As I walk towards him, I feel like I'm about to bawl like a baby in the middle of the airport.

"Hi baby," He smiles at me, he sets his carry-on bag down as I practically fall into his arms in the middle of the airport terminal. He wraps me in the biggest hug, holding me tight as I laugh and cry at the same time, burying my face in his shoulder. I'm so afraid to let him go, afraid that this isn't real. He chuckles as we hold each other for a little bit longer and I break away from him for just a moment, as he grabs my face, pressing his beautiful soft lips to mine. I cannot tell you just how much I missed those lips. We passionately move our lips together, as I suck that bottom lip of his, never wanting to let go. After a few moments we are finally able to pull our lips away from each other, his forehead touching mine.

"Oh my god I missed you," I breathe closing my eyes and placing my hands on his chest, playing with the charm on his necklace.

"I missed you too baby," He reaches up, brushing away a tear that had somehow found it's way down my cheek and places his lips on my forehead.

"Ok, ok I'm sorry I'm just a bawling mess," I say after a few moments when I'm finally able to pull away from him.

"That's ok," He laughs so cutely as I carefully wipe away my tears.

"I'm huge aren't I? " I say suddenly feeling self conscious as I look down at myself.

"No baby, you are gorgeous," His blue eyes continue to look at me, his fingers reaching up and brushing a curl out of my eyes, he gives me that smile again that I've missed for so long.

"Ok, let's uh, get your luggage?" I say and lift myself up, placing a quick kiss on his lips and patting him on his chest once I break away.

"Sure," He exhales and picks up his bag, taking my hand and lacing his fingers through mine, placing a kiss on the back of my hand as we make our way to the luggage claim.

*****

We pick up Chris's luggage and head out of the airport to where I parked. He throws his luggage in the back as I pull out my car keys.

"Um, do you want to drive...? Or do you want me to?" I ask.

"Uh, yea... sure I can drive," He says as he closes the trunk door. I hand him the keys and move to climb in the passenger side, a little awkwardly as Chris moves over to help me.

"You ok?" He smiles at me as I eventually get situated.

"Yea..." I say a little embarrassed at the fact it is a little difficult for me to get in the Nissan. He smiles so cutely and closes the door for me, then heads around to the drivers side to climb in.

He turns on the ignition and suddenly Pantera's '5 Minutes Alone' blasts through the stereo causing us both to jump.

"Oh my god, shit! sorry," I say startled, reaching for the stereo knob as Chris laughs.

"That's ok," He laughs.

"I forgot I had that so loud," I giggle.

"Oh, baby... you are so cute," He chuckles as we pull out and head out on to the highway.

As we drive for a little while, Pantera still playing on the stereo, we mostly remain quiet with each other. I wasn't exactly sure what to say or what to talk about. I know it's been so long since I've seen him and we did talk on the phone periodically while he was in rehab, but it's a little awkward. Maybe I'm just over thinking it.

"Feel like stopping along the way for some lunch, maybe?" I ask, trying to make conversation.

"Um, yea we could do that," He says as he checks his mirrors and changes lanes, then everything goes back to being silent between us again.

Ok Andrea it doesn't need to be this awkward just talk to him

"So... " I trail off and glance over at him and he quickly glances at me, then back at the road.

"How are you?" I say trying to come up with something to say.

"I'm good, really good," He glances back at me and smiles.

"Good," I smile back and a few more moments of silence between us take place.

Good? Seriously Andrea, that's all you got? Why is this so hard right now? Ok, get a grip Andrea, you just need to relax.

"How, or what... I mean..." I start but still feel nervous.

"What was it like?" He finishes for me glancing back at me with a smile.

"Yea," I say shyly as my heart flutters a bit.

"It was good. It wasn't what I thought but it was good,I mean... as soon as they took me in, they had all these strict rules, but it was really good they helped me a lot," He says glancing back and forth between the mirror and the road.

"That's good babe. That's so good," I smile at him.

A few more moments of silence tick by but then we start to chat a little more about the baby and how I was when he was gone. I basically just gushed to him about how much I missed him, and he gushed right back about how much he missed me too, even though I already knew that from all the times he would call me while he was away. I wasn't sure if I should ask him how it was in L.A, so I figure I'll just wait until he feels like he wants to talk about it.

He glances back at me, reaches over taking my hand and lacing his fingers through mine and I start to giggle.

"What...?" Chris smiles at me.

"Nothing... she's just moving," I laugh.

"She's moving?" He quickly glances back at the road and then at me again.

"Yea, here... did you feel that?" I giggle taking his hand and placing it on my stomach. It feels bubbly when she starts moving, like a fish floating around in a bowl or something. He looks at the road and then quickly back at me, his eyes growing wide with so much love. It's the first time he's been able to feel her move around inside me.

"Holy shit," He says giggling.

"I think she's happy you're home, either that or she's just as hungry as I am," I say and Chris laughs.


	27. Home

Seattle Washington, October 14 2000

It was a couple of months later and I was in the nursery putting away the last of the baby clothes while I could hear Chris downstairs in the studio with Tim, Brad and Tom working on some more songs. Chris was only home for a day when he wanted to get back into writing with the guys again. I had only met Tim Brad and Tom just a hand full of times before Chris went into rehab, so I'm still a little shy around them, but they are so sweet to me nonetheless.

While Chris was away, I had time to work on the nursery making sure everything was ready for when the baby arrives. I needed something to distract myself while I was missing him so much. We finally decided on a name for her though.

Vada Karen Elizabeth Cornell

I wanted her to have my mother's middle name, Elizabeth and Chris wanted her to have his mother's first name Karen. When I suggested her first name to be Vada, the look on Chris's face was priceless. I was so happy he liked that name too.

Chris still hasn't really talked about what rehab was like and that's ok. He doesn't need to tell me anything if he doesn't want to yet. I just don't want to remind him of how bad he had really become before I convinced him to go to rehab. It's hard to explain. I guess that's why it's easier to focus on the baby right now. I know Chris will come around to telling me, if he wants to. It'll just take some time and I'm ok with that. He's still that same guy I fell in love with, the 'dry sarcastic asshole he's always been' as he would say. I tend to think he's still just as quiet and adorably shy, charming and loving as he's always been. He just doesn't drink or smoke or do any of the other things that he did before which makes him all the more focused on his music. 

After setting the last of her clothes in her dresser, I turn and head into our bedroom to get ready to go to Lola's restaurant downtown for some dinner and an interview for SPIN magazine . Chris's manager had set the interview up month's ago, but had to postpone it when Chris went to rehab.

Even though Chris is starting a band, he's technically still a solo artist and so there are a few legal management conflicts with Chris's management and Tim, Brad and Tom's management team. I don't even understand all of it right now but apparently they are still able to work together, you know hang out and write some songs, but they just can't record or even officially be a band yet until all the legal stuff is worked out.

I couldn't even imagine if I was still Chris's manager, how I would be handling it right now. I mean, I would obviously make sure before anything like this happened that it would be a smooth transition, I just think - now I'm only speculating -that it's Jim Guerinot not wanting to compromise on who should manage them. But, they were able to come up with a band name though.

Audioslave.

After I finish getting ready, leaving my dark curls down, I just put on a dark blue sleeveless sundress that once again flowed over my curves perfectly and my open toed heel wedges - which are surprisingly comfortable. When I found that cream white sundress and tried it on, it looked so good on me, I basically purchased it in each different color they had. This blue one I'm wearing, another one that's dark army green and a couple of black ones of course.

I'm just about to hit 9 months and I already want her out of me. I had no idea you could feel this uncomfortable when your basically at the end of your pregnancy. My hips and back hurt all the time, especially today. I keep getting these waves of cramping that started earlier this morning but I figure it's just those Braxton Hicks pains the doctor told me about. Not to mention that I feel constantly hot all the time. I mean it's not extremely cold here in Seattle but it is fall. I feel strange still wearing summer dresses but it's the only way I can stay remotely comfortable.

After I put on my silver studded wrist cuff, I make my way carefully down the stairs, the music coming up from the studio in the basement getting louder as I reach the bottom of the stairs and walk into the living room. Even just going down these stairs, I already have to pee, so I head into the bathroom just off the living room. Another reason why I just want her out of me already. I didn't think I was capable of peeing this much all the time.

While I'm in the bathroom, I hear Chris and the guys heading up from downstairs, Chris saying something about when they will get together again and then a bunch of laughter.

"Hi, baby," Chris smiles at me when I open the door, in his black button up shirt and his fitted ripped blue jeans.

"Hey," I smile back fixing my curls a little.

"Hey Andi," Tim smiles at me and I smile back. I need to get over being shy with them, but I can't help it.

"Alright so we'll get together next week sometime?" Tom says as they all head towards the front door.

"Yea, we might have to just meet here but yea, sounds good," Chris says as he walks them to the door. They all chat with each other for a few more moments and they head out the door with Chris closing the door behind them.

"Ok, so, are you ready to head out babe?" Chris asks me.

"Um, yea I'm ready," I say wincing a little. I was feeling a little uncomfortable, my back is fucking killing me.

"You ok?" He walks over to me worried as I lean against the bathroom door frame.

"Yea, yea I'm ok, it's nothing," I say wincing a little again as I placing my hand on my back. Chris still looks at me worried but I'm able to hold back the pain. Fuck this hurts.

" I can just go on my own," Chris says moving closer to help rub my back.

"No, no I'm ok... I want to come with you, it'll go away... it's nothing really," I say. I got all dressed up to go so I'm not wasting the time I spent just to stay home. Chris looks at me like he doesn't believe me.

"I just need, to sit down for, just a minute," I breathe.

"Andi, are you sure? I mean... I think I should take you to the doctor or something," Chris looks a me a little frightened as he helps me over to the couch.

"No, no I'm fine... they're just going to send me back home if I go in, I just need to sit for a minute,"

He helps me down on the couch as I attempt to control the pain. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. Well no, that's not true, I have felt this before, I just seem to forget just how uncomfortable I can feel. He sits down beside me, and helps to rub my back.

"I hate to say this but you have no idea how much I want her out of me," I half giggle and wince at the same time.

"I know... I'm sorry baby," Chris furrows his brow as he still looks at me with worry.

"It's ok, I'm just uncomfortable, and moody, I'm sorry," I say closing my eyes to focus on something other than this pain. He leans in and places a kiss on my temple, then touches his forehead to my temple, looking at me hoping I'm ok.

"I love you so much, you don't have to apologize to me at all," He says so sweetly which makes my heart flutter a bit. Just hearing him say that actually helps... I can't explain it but it does. After we sit for a few more moments, the pain begins to subside and I feel like I'm alright to go. I turn an look into his beautiful blue eyes, reach up and play with his beard a little bit as he gives me the cutest smirk.

"I love you too," I say and place my lips on his, and gently suck that bottom lip of his. After a few moments, I pull away from him.

"Ok, we should head out here then, cause I'm probably making you late," I say.

"Oh fuck... who cares if I'm late, you sure you're ok?" Chris asks me furrowing his brow again. He's so adorable when he's worried but he really has nothing to worry about.

"Yes, baby I'm ok," I giggle.

Lola's Restaurant Bar and Grill

We arrive at Lola's in downtown Seattle and head inside to find a table. The journalist hadn't shown up just yet, so we found a table booth by the large window and sat down. The waitress comes over a few moments later and hands us our menus while Chris just orders a Diet Coke to start. I open up my menu to try to decide what to eat, but the pain in my back has decided to come back. Chris glances up at me from his menu noticing my wincing as I try to rub my back.

"You sure you're alright?" He asks.

"Yes Chris... I'm, I'm fine," I wince again. The waitress then comes back and Chris tells her our order, she takes the menus and walks away while I desperately try to hide the pain showing on my face.

"Andi...?" Chris looks at me worried.

"Ok, no Chris, I'm not fine... I'm scared, this really hurts. I think she's coming." I wince, trying to breathe in between each word but the pain just takes my breathe away.

"You mean...?" Chris starts to panic but tries not to let it show.

"Yea... I - I need to go to the hospital," I wince trying so hard not to cry. I'm so scared and in so much pain I need to get out of here.

"Oh, shit ok, ok... here let me help you babe," Chris rises from his chair and moves over to me to help me out of the booth. Once he helps me up, the waitress comes back to ask if we were ok. Chris explains and asks the waitress that if the journalist shows up, to cancel the interview. She nods so sweetly and makes sure that we're ok to get out of the restaurant. I'm so embarrassed but I need to get the fuck out of here.

He quickly but carefully helps me to the car and into the passenger seat. I try my hardest to keep it together though it feels like the lower half of my body is about to split into two. He quickly climbs into the drivers side and turns the ignition.

"Chris, I'm so scared," I furrow my brow trying so hard to not freak out.

"You're ok, I got you babe, don't worry, just breathe baby," He says so calmly and so sweetly as we pull out of the restaurant parking lot. I reach over for his hand as I take in some deep breaths to help stable the pain. He takes my hand, squeezing it, lacing his fingers through mine, bringing it up to his lips and placing sweet soft kisses on the back of my hand. I am trying so hard but the pain is almost unbearable.

"She's on her way baby... just think about finally being able to hold her and seeing that little face," Chris says.

"Chris?"

"Yea?" He says looking back out the windshield.

"My water just broke," I say, my bottom lip quivering as I feel the seat of his black '69 Dodge Charger become increasingly wet, as if I just peed myself but it's definitely not like I'm peeing, then another wave of pain shooting through to my lower back, making me whimper.

Fuck, I just ruined the seat of his car.

"Oh fuck, ok, don't worry, I'm getting you there,"

Harborview Medical Center

"Chris! Chris, don't leave me, please, don't leave me," I reach for his hand as the nurse behind me pushes me in a wheel chair to get me into a room. As soon as we arrived in emergency, the nurses waisted no time in getting me admitted. 

"I'm right here baby," Chris takes my hand and walks with me as the nurse quickly gets me to a room on the main floor.

"Alright Andrea you'll need to stand up honey, so we can get this gown on you," The nurse says sweetly when we get to my private room.

I somehow manoeuvre myself out of the wheel chair, Chris helping me the whole time as I do my best to change into the hospital gown. Under any other circumstance, I would obviously be nervous but I am in so much pain, I could really care less about who sees me right now. Once I change, the nurse helps me into the bed and then disappears to find the doctor to administer the epidural.

Once the doctor arrived to check how I'm progressing, he immediately appeared to look concerned.

"What...? what's going on?" I ask panicked.

"Mrs. Cornell I'm afraid you might have to deliver without the epidural..." He says. I suddenly started to panic even more. I am so scared and even more scared to feel the pain even though I already have the urge to push right now.

"Wha?" I breathe, beads of sweat now starting to form on my forehead as I grip Chris's hand while he stands beside me.

"You are already at 8cm dilation my dear. This baby is about to be born," He says.

What? There's no way. Everything I've ever read says that I should've had a lot more time. As soon as those panicked thoughts entered my mind, another wave of unbelievable pain washes over my entire lower half.

"No, no I'm not ready, I can't," I say frightened, my bottom lip quivering as the doctor pulls out the stirrups from the bed. I grip Chris's hand so tight as he stays so close to me.

"Yes, you can... baby hey look at me... I'm here ok?" Chris says forcing me to look at him as he brushes a few matted curls from my forehead.

The next little while seems like a dream. Like, I was almost outside of my body looking down on myself. I wish there was a way to explain the intense pressure and pain the ravaged my body and just how difficult it was to focus on delivering my little girl, but once I started pushing, I just wanted her to be in my arms.

Chris was right by my side the whole time, supporting me through the entire thing. I wished we had enough time to call some friends or his family but apparently this little girl wanted to get here as fast as she could.

The moment I heard that little cry, I became a bawling baby myself as they flipped her onto my bare stomach, cleaning her as I held her against me. All that pain and pressure instantly dropped away and I was left with this sweet little girl in my arms.


	28. Baby Of Mine

Seattle Washington, October 17 2000

Andi

As I sit in the backseat of my black Nissan Pathfinder, Chris carefully and ever so gently sets the car seat with baby Vada in tow beside me, he places a kiss on her tiny little forehead and places another kiss on my forehead as I buckle her in. The most adorable cries emitting from her as I move as close to her as I could get so she could see me. Vada Karen Elizabeth Cornell was born October 14th 2000 at 9:24pm. She is a tiny little 5 pound 6 ounce little bundle of love that I can't get enough of. Her eyes as blue as Chris's, her dark, fine baby hair so soft and her little pouty lips just like his. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes upon. She looks so much like her daddy.

The day after she was born, Chris finally called his mom to tell her the good news. They hadn't talked since the day he told her I was pregnant back in March and hadn't really spoken to her much after that because well... you know. After Chris got out of rehab, he still hadn't talked to her at all. They have had such a weird on/off relationship ever since I've been with Chris. It was years before I even met her and at that point we were already married. Of course I could say the same for my father. I haven't spoken to my father since I was 18 years old and now I'm 30 with a little girl of my own. I don't even know if he's alive still. Maybe I should try to reach out, it's been long enough. He has a granddaughter now and I don't know if it's the rush of my hormones trying to go back to normal or what but, I think it's time. A phone call wouldn't hurt, as long as he still has the same number. I hope he does anyways.

"Ok, you girls ready to go home?" Chris says climbing into the drivers side and buckling his seatbelt. Vada squeals and lets out a few other noises which make me giggle.

"I'd say so," I laugh as I hold her little hand and I see Chris glance back at us through the rearview mirror. He smirks so cutely and reaches back for my hand and I take it, lacing my fingers through as best I can given the fact that I'm behind him.

"Ok, we are on our way," Chris says so sweetly and we pull out of the parking lot of the hospital and make our way home with our little peanut.

*****

Later on that afternoon, once we were back at home, everyone apparently decided to show up to meet Vada and shower her with love. Stone, Jeff, Matt (Matt is now the drummer for Pearl Jam) and Mike showed up with a bunch of gifts for her which was so sweet. Eddie had also came by for a little bit and it was so good to see him. It seemed to be perfect timing that Pearl Jam had a little break back at home from touring so they could meet her.

Susan and Duff also came by after, Susan also very pregnant herself, was so excited to meet her. Susan and Duff are having a little girl as well, due in the beginning of November. I found it so crazy how we got pregnant at the same time. Susan was basically my pregnant partner in crime the whole time Chris was away getting better. I honestly don't know what I would've done without her friendship. It was so comforting to have someone else go through it with me, to be able to talk to when weird bodily things would happen. At least we could talk to each other about it and it not be weird.

The one thing that bothered Chris a little bit was the fact that Kim hadn't even come by at all, and to be honest it kind of hurt me a little too. Given the fact that we were once so close but I am guessing after the last time we saw him which was at the Static -X concert, they didn't leave on the friendliest of terms. Chris was so fucked up at that point, I'm not sure he even remembers what happened but, I never thought Kim would just flat out ignore Chris. Maybe there's more to it than that, I don't know. But what I do know right now is that I'm exhausted.

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to hit that bed and try to get some sleep before she wakes up again," I yawn, as I hold her in my arms, standing in our bedroom and desperately wanting to set Vada down but not wanting to disturb her.

"Lay down baby, I got her," Chris says as he pulls off his white fitted long sleeve shirt, revealing his naked torso as he tosses his shirt on to the chair in our bedroom.

"Are you sure?" I yawn once again.

"Yes baby, give me the baby," He says so sweetly as he walks over to me, holding out his hands to take her from me. I yawn once again and carefully hand her over to him, she gurgles and makes tiny little sighs as she sleeps. He takes her in his arms and I swear she looked so small compared to him. In her little pink onesie with a little yellow baby bunny patch on the front, Chris rests her against his bare chest as she stirs a little, making those wonderful newborn sounds, but her eyes remain closed.

"I'm just gonna slip in for a quick shower if that's ok?" I whisper and Chris nods, never taking his eyes off of her. I am so in need of a shower and sleep. I wish there was a way I could do both at the same time. I grab a towel and a change of clothes and head into the bathroom.

Chris

"Ok, my baby girl... it's ok," I say quietly as I sit down in the chair in our bedroom with her resting on my chest. She starts to stir a little making a few loud squeaks, then a few cute little grumbles as I gently rub her back. I want to drink this moment in, this moment with my little girl in my hands. She feels so light, looks so perfect and smells so divine. As I hold her to my chest, her soft movements making my heart feel like it's about to burst, I will never let this precious bundle go. No matter what comes I will protect her with everything I have.

"So, little Vada... this is your new home. You'll be staying in here with mommy and daddy for a little bit... yea..."

She begins to stir again making the cutest little noises.

"Then you'll have your own room which is just right next door, with all your little stuffies to keep you company..."

She coos a little and moves her head against my bare chest.

"But don't worry, mommy and daddy will be right here. I will always be right here for you, no matter what. Your first steps, your first words, your first love, your first heart break, though you know daddy will kill anyone who breaks your heart..."

She sighs a cute little sigh and I place a kiss on top of her small little head.

"I'm glad you agree. Anyone who hurts you, I'll hurt them right back,"

She takes in a deep breath, squeaks a little and breathes out and I thought that I could never be in a more perfect moment than I am in right now. I look up and I see Andi leaning against the bathroom door, in her black 90 logo track pants and a plain black fitted tank top, her curls damp but so perfectly framing her face, her beautiful brown eyes with the cutest smirk as she watches us from the doorway.

"What are you two talking about?" Andi giggles.

"Oh nothin' really... just stuff... and things... the world... no biggie...," I say and glance back down at Vada who softly sleeps against me.

"You don't have to tell her about the whole world just yet, she's only 3 days old..." Andi giggles as she walks over to us.

"I know," I sigh and place another kiss on the top of her little head.

"I'm just preparing her, you know... just in case," I say quietly as I close my eyes and snuggle with her.

"Ok, Chris," Andi giggles that cute laugh which makes me smile and I never want this moment to end.


	29. On A Day Like Today

Seattle Washington, December 25 2000

"Chris, what are you doing?" I laugh as he attempts to pull on Vada's red onesie with a cute little reindeer patch on the front. She begins to squeal and kick on the couch in our living room as he tries to pull over the hoodie part of the onesie.

"I'm trying to get this on her but she's making it difficult," Chris says as he sits in front of her cross legged as she wiggles around squeaking and gurgling. After a few moments Chris grabs her little feet and starts to play with her.

"Are you making it difficult for daddy? You just love making it difficult for daddy don't you?" Chris coos at her and she squeals kicking her feet and smiling at him. It was Vada's first Christmas and Chris insisted that she wear something festive. I have to admit she looks completely adorable in it, but then again she looks adorable in anything.

"Ok, I'm going to heat up a bottle for her, can you put that little bib on her?" I say as I hand a little Santa bib to Chris. I know I'm probably going to end up changing her again but I hope at least for now to try and keep her as clean as I can.

"Sure babe," Chris says. He takes the bib from me and I head towards the kitchen, grabbing a fresh bottle and some formula to make her some lunch.

Now before anyone goes ahead and judges me I just want to say one thing. Yes I bottle feed her and yes I have tried to breast feed her, but I can only take so much of my nipples being so sore to the point where they feel like they are about to fall off. She just never seemed to latch on to me. No matter how much I tried with her, it never seemed to work. When she didn't latch right away, I figured it was no big deal, but the first few days with her in the hospital and the nurses trying to teach me how to breastfeed her made me feel all the more incompetent as a mother, like there was something wrong with me. Sometimes nurses can be so mean.

Anyways, once we brought her home, I thought maybe she would latch now that it's a more relaxed environment. Well that was a no go as well. So I figured why make myself miserable and obviously Vada needs to eat, so I just pumped for the first month and then switched her to formula, since I somehow stopped producing milk. When I had my postpartum check up with my doctor last week, she said it was perfectly normal to stop producing milk if the baby isn't actually feeding from me. It just means my hormones are beginning to return to normal faster than the average mother and that's perfectly alright and I shouldn't feel bad about it. As long as she's perfectly healthy and taking bottle feedings, I have nothing to worry about.

It sucked though. It did make me feel bad, like I was doing something wrong, but there's so many other ways I bond with my little Vada, it doesn't have to be by feeding. And, hey, this way I don't have to worry about whipping my boob out in public, if we were ever to go out in public. I haven't been out much since she was born. As long as I'm happy and Vada's happy that's all that really matters.

Ok I'm done my rant.

As soon as I was finished warming up her bottle, it's almost as if she knew it was time to eat. I suddenly hear her all too familiar cry, which sounds like she's about to get murdered or something, and I hear Chris in the living room trying to calm her down.

Chris has been so amazing with her, I can't even begin to describe how adorable it is to see the bond between them. From the first day we brought her home, well really since the day she was born, he has been so attached to her. I always knew that he would be like that, It was just hard to picture it until Vada. She is definitely without a doubt a daddy's girl.

"Oh, Vada ok, I'm coming..." I say as I hear her cry and head back into the living room. Chris was standing, holding her and gently swaying to try to soothe her but she was having none of it. Chris hands her to me and as soon as I get her in my arms, she cries even louder but I give her the bottle she immediately stops and you can hear her feed like she hasn't eaten in weeks.

"Ok, well I guess someone was starving," Chris chuckles.

"Yea really," I smirk as she continues to make cute little sucking sounds.

"Ok, I'm going to head upstairs and get ready, and then we'll swap and I'll take her while you get ready?" Chris asks.

"Yea, " I sigh and he leans in a places a quick kiss on my lips, and makes his way upstairs.

With it being Christmas Day, we are heading to Chris's mothers for everyone to finally meet Vada. This will be basically the first time I'm leaving the house since Vada was born. I feel a little nervous about it and I have no idea why. I was never really close with Chris's mom, as I've mentioned before, so it's nothing really new. I think maybe just because I'm a new mother and everything just makes me nervous with Vada. I just have to keep positive and keep telling myself that everything is fine.

As I move over to sit down on the couch with her in my arms, she looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, just like Chris's, and studies me the entire time I'm feeding her.

"You were hungry huh? Yea, playing with daddy would make me hungry too... Er - well you know what I mean, "

As soon as I said that I realized just how that might have sounded, but then realized that Vada doesn't really know what I'm saying at all.

"You know, as adorable as you are, I can't wait until you can actually talk back to me. And I know that as I'm now telling you this out loud now I'm going to regret it one day," I giggle.

She continues to make sucking sounds and studies me, then tries to smile while she's eating which is so damn cute.

"Oh my Vada, I love you to the moon and back, actually it's even more than that. I love you as much as the universe is infinite, forever and ever... *more cooing*... yea I do," I smile at her and place a kiss on her little forehead. I honestly never thought I could love someone as much as I love her. I now know just how much my mom loved me. I wish my mom was here to meet her. I still miss her.

Without even realizing it, Chris had already come back downstairs and apparently was watching me with her. I look up and see Chris, wearing a white with grey patterned long sleeve button up shirt with the 'goddess' pendent necklace and his fitted button fly jeans. His short dark hair curly and messy at the same time with this goofy smirk on his face.

"What?" I giggle.

"Nothing... you are just so cute... here let me take her and you can get ready," He says sweetly as he walks over to me.

"Ok... she's just about done so... um, just burp her and then see if she wants some tummy time I guess, but she'll probably just fall asleep," I say as Chris takes her from me.

"Yes ma'am," Chris smirks and gives me a salute.

"Very funny," I squint at him as I playfully smack him on his bicep, he laughs and I make my way upstairs to get ready.

*****

"Chris! It's so good to see you! Merry Christmas!" Chris's mom, Karen smiles when she opens the door and see's us standing with Vada in her little car seat.

"Hi mom, Merry Christmas," Chris says and leans down to embrace here. I felt so nervous as I try to steady Vada in her car seat then glancing down at myself, adjusting my leather jacket over my red plaid long sleeve button up shirt that I had over just an Aerosmith shirt that I turned into a tank top, my skinny ripped blue jeans with my Doc Marten's as my dark curls fall down around me.

"Andrea, oh my god you look gorgeous! Jesus, I wish I looked like you after I had Chris here... come here," She smiles excitedly at me as we step in, closing the door and she gives me a hug while Chris takes the baby.

"Oh um, thank you," I say shyly, blushing as she hugs me. She breaks away from me and turns her attention to Vada.

"Let me see this sweet baby girl... Oh, you are just the most beautiful girl in the world," Karen says, while Chris still holds Vada in the car seat and Vada makes more happy sounds, her blue eyes growing wide as she looks at her grandmother.

"Chris, good to see you man, congrats on the baby," Chris's older brother Peter says when he walks over to us from the kitchen. Peter looks pretty much identical to Chris, just as tall and those same incredible blue eyes, which kind of shocked me when I first met him a few years ago. He even sounds like Chris. It's just different for me because I'm an only child so I forget sometimes that Chris has siblings.

"Thanks, it's good to see you too, it's been a while I guess huh?" Chris says.

"Ok, ok come in, come in.. so we can get a better look at this little one," Karen says taking the car seat from Chris and heading into the living room, leaving us by the doorway.

"Well at least mom hasn't changed," Chris smirks.

"Don't you know it," Peter smirks that same smirk right back and pats Chris on the shoulder.

"Merry Christmas Andi, it's good to see you," Peter smiles, walking over to me, giving me a hug.

"Awe, thank you, you too," I say shyly and he breaks away from me.

"You know, I would take advantage of mom with Vada, give yourself a little break," Peter winks at me.

"Yea really," I say and Peter chuckles and heads into the living room. Once Chris and I take off our jackets and hang them up, Chris takes my hand, lacing his fingers through mine and places a few soft sweet kisses on the back of my hand. He gives me the sweetest look, his eyes filled with so much love when suddenly there was a loud knock on the front door which made me jump and Chris laughed.

"Mom, do you want me to get that?" Chris asked but Karen was too pre-occupied with Vada to even notice he asked anything.

"I'll take that as a yes?" Chris raises his eyebrow but Karen just plays with Vada as the door knocks again.

"Ok then,"Chris says and turns to open the door.

"Chris! Oh My God! Hi!" It was Chris's sister Maggie, who also looks like Chris, standing at the door, her long dark curls all around her as she steps in and gives him a hug.

"Hi," Chris says in his usual shy way, then breaking away from each other as she steps in and closes the door.

"I didn't know you were going to be here, I thought it was just going to be me, mom and Peter," She says as she takes off her jacket.

"Surprise," Chris smirks and Maggie giggles tapping him playfully on the shoulder. I'm already starting to feel really shy and nervous again.

"Hi Andi, good to see you," Maggie smiles at me and gives me a hug.

"Hi, it's good to see you too," I say shyly and she pulls away from me.

"Where's Vada? Is mom with her?" Maggie turns to Chris.

"Yep," Chris gestures towards the living room.

"Awesome, I wanna go see," Maggie smiles excitedly and heads into the living room.

"Well I'm glad that everyone's basically here to play with our daughter but... what about me?" Chris says to me then yells the last part into the living room and still no one notices. Chris turns back to me and shrugs while I giggle.

"Hey, are you laughing at me now?" Chris smirks at me.

"No, I was just -"

"Just what?" Chris smiles at me, reaching for my hand and pulls me into him placing his hands on my hips.

"Just agreeing with you," I giggle as I place my hands on his chest, his forehead touching mine, then pressing his lips to mine. God how I want him to keep kissing me. His lips feel so amazingly soft as his beard tickles my lip but just as he was about to deepen the kiss, I pull away from him.

"Hey guys, did you bring the diaper bag in? I think Vada needs to be changed," Maggie calls from the living room as she holds her with Vada now beginning to cry.

"Oh shit, no... I'll uh run out to the car and grab it," I quickly say and Chris glances at me a little disheartened that I pulled away. I give him a shy glance and then quickly head back out the door to grab the diaper bag from the car.

I didn't mean to jump at the chance to get away but, it was the only way to stop myself from going any further with that kiss. It's been so long since Chris and I, you know, had sex that I suddenly got scared so I pulled away. And well, we're at his moms so that makes it a little awkward too but, fuck how I've missed him. As much as I want him, I feel like I'm not ready... or something. I don't know how to explain it. After I had my last appointment with my doctor, along with the whole breastfeeding thing, she did say that I'm perfectly fine physically to have sex, it's just the whole emotional part I'm afraid of.

Will it be the same as before? Will it still feel the same? I mean my body has changed a little since giving birth to Vada. I always had big boobs so that didn't change but I'm a little squishier around the middle and have a few stretch marks so I'm a little self conscious of that. I mean, I was no 'skinny mini' before, but I like to think I looked pretty good.

When I was pregnant the first time, it seemed like my body didn't change as much. Maybe it was because I was younger then? Or maybe because I didn't carry to full term like I did with Vada? I don't know... I'm just over thinking it, like I always do.

I open the car door and quickly grab the diaper bag, along with the bag of presents we apparently forgot to bring in too and quickly head back up to the house. It's freaking cold out here. Why didn't I put on my jacket?

Once I get back in the house I can hear Vada crying wanting desperately to be changed. I head into the living room where I see everyone just laughing and having an amazing time while Maggie still holds Vada.

"I can take her, " I say as I head over to the couch with the diaper bag and sit.

"No, Andi it's ok, relax, I got her," Maggie smiles at me and Vada just keeps crying.

I give Maggie a half smile and she takes the diaper bag, heading out of the living room to go and change her.

"Babe, you ok?" Chris ask me, sitting in the chair next to the huge Christmas tree with all the Christmas lights sparkling, taking a sip of his coffee when suddenly there was another knock at the door.

"That's probably Patrick," Karen says so excitedly.

"I'll get it mom," Peter says, setting his cup down on the coffee table.

I don't know why but I suddenly just really started to feel overwhelmed and as Chris's oldest brother Patrick came in, everyone greeting him with his wife and their 2 kids, I felt the need to just get out of here altogether. I glance over at Chris and he gives me a concerned look back as I try my best to hide this feeling but I can't. I have no idea what just brought it on but it's like someone is sitting on my chest and I feel like I can't breathe.

"Baby, here... come with me," Chris says when he gets up from the chair and walks over to me holding his hand out for me to take.

With everyone else laughing and greeting each other, Maggie still holding Vada as she squeaks and smiles after changing her, Chris sneaks us by everyone, taking me upstairs and leading me down the hallway to his old bedroom from when he was a kid. The room had obviously changed a little over the years, only a few of Chris's things remained but for the most part it was now just a spare bedroom.

"Chris, you didn't need to lead me all the way up here," I say.

"I know, but you looked like you were freaking out down there, are you alright?" He asks when he turns to me.

"I'm fine, I think... I don't know," I say and look away from him.

"Talk to me... what's got you freaked out?" he says so sweetly as he steps closer to me brushing a stray curl from my forehead.

"I don't know... it's stupid, I just feel overwhelmed or something... I don't know how to explain it," I say closing my eyes and shaking my head at myself. I feel stupid for feeling like this.

"Baby, it's ok, it's not stupid..."

"I'm not used to being out and everyone being all over Vada is somehow making me panic. I know I have nothing to worry about but -"

"It's a lot I know, but hey... let them fawn all over her, they love her and they love you. That's why they're giving you a much needed break for a bit," Chris says, his blue eyes looking straight into my soul. I give him a half smile and look away. I feel ridiculous for freaking out. He moves even closer to me, placing his hands on my hips and pulling me closer to him.

"I love you so much baby, and do you know what I love most about you?" Chris says touching his forehead to mine.

"No, what is it that you love most about me?" I say quietly as I close my eyes.

"I love just how attached you are to Vada, the bond that you have with her, how much you love her and how much you protect her, no matter what," He says so sweetly, moving down and placing his lips on my earlobe. Oh god I love it when he does that. I can already feel the shivers trickle all over my body as his lips move to the spot just under my earlobe.

"Um, we should get... back down stairs," I breathe a little shakily, his hands moving up under my shirt, his fingers softly moving up my back, skipping across my skin. Fuck he is so good at that.

"I know... but I just want to... maybe... stay in here with you, for a couple of more minutes," He says, his voice low and husky as he moves to my other ear, placing soft sweet kisses under my earlobe, sending chills all over my body.

"Chris! Andi! you up here?" Maggie calls and I quickly pull away from Chris as she sees us from the doorway.

"Shit sorry I didn't mean... I mean, uh Vada spit up a little and I couldn't find an extra outfit for her in the diaper bag, "

"Um... there should be one on the inside pocket of the bag... I'm sure I put one in there... Is she ok?" I ask trying to break myself out of what was taking place.

"Oh yea, she's fine, I didn't know there was an inside pocket... sorry... carry on, don't worry, we got her," Maggie smiles and turns to head back downstairs. I let out a long sigh, relieved everything is ok and slightly embarrassed she found Chris and I in his old bedroom. I look back at Chris with a silly smirk on his face and we both start laughing awkwardly.

"Are you ok baby?" He chuckles.

"Yea I'm ok," I giggle.

"Ok, let's get back downstairs," He says placing his arm around my neck, pulling me into him and placing a kiss on my temple as we walk out of his old bedroom.

*****

Once the sun had finally set, (which if you live in Seattle in the winter, that's basically 4:00pm in the afternoon) everyone gathered around the large dining room table to celebrate Christmas Day with an amazing turkey dinner that Chris's mom prepared for us. With Chris sitting next to me, I held Vada in my arms, feeding her as she was just finishing up her bottle. I don't think I will ever get tired of hearing those cute little sucking sounds she makes while she eats.

"You two want any wine with your food - er wait no I'm sorry Chris oh my god I forgot," Maggie says when she passes the bottle of red wine to Chris, then suddenly felt bad, the look of worry all over her face afraid that she offended him.

"It's ok, don't worry," Chris re-assures her.

"Maybe we should all not drink," She says looking around at everyone with their wine.

"Maggie it's fine, I'm ok to be around it, I just don't drink anymore," Chris says and takes a sip of his Diet Coke. I glance up at Chris and give him a small smile and Vada squeaks a little.

"See even Vada appreciates it too," Chris smirks and Maggie still gives him a nervous look.

"Forget about it... it's alright," Chris smiles.

"How long has it been Chris?" Peter asks him taking a sip of his wine.

"Um, since April 29th... well really it was a couple of weeks before that but my actual um 'sober birthday' they call it is April 29th," Chris says and takes a sip of his Diet Coke.

"That's awesome Chris, good for you man," Patrick says and then everyone starts to congratulate him which makes him blush as he tries to wave it off like it's nothing.

Vada finally finishes her bottle, so I adjust her in my arms, laying her across my forearm, tummy down and gently pat and stroke her back to burp her. Her eyes fixate on Chris, she smiles a little and makes more cooing sounds.

"Oh my god she's just so cute, " Maggie says

"She looks so much like Chris huh?" Peter says.

"Yea... she's pretty much attached to him," I say and Vada finally lets out a little burp making everyone laugh.

"Speaking of being attached to me, here let me take her," Chris says and I pass her to him so that I could finally start eating before my food gets cold.

"So, how's the music stuff going, you working on anything new? Patrick asks taking a sip of his wine.

"Uh, well I'm always working on stuff but, not as much since Vada was born. I'm kinda taking a break for a bit, just you know... loving being a dad right now," Chris says as he looks down at her, Vada's gorgeous blue eyes studying him the entire time.

It's true, Chris hasn't really talked to Tim, Brad or Tom since the day I went into the hospital to have her. I'm not worried or anything, it's amazing to have Chris at home bonding with her the way he does. It just surprised me that he hasn't been in touch with them since then.

As Chris held her, she slowly starts to fall asleep, which I figured would happen once she ate.

"Vada... you sleeping peanut?" Chris says to her in such a soothing voice as she stirs a little and lets out a sigh, her eyes struggling to stay open.

"Mom, where can I lay her down?" Chris asks.

"Oh um, you can lay her down in my room," She says as she gets up from the table.

"Ok..." Chris says softly as he watches her fall asleep against his chest, following Karen carrying Vada in his arms. She always falls asleep on him. I think it's because of the sound of his voice.

"So Andi, you spending anytime with any of your family over the holidays?" Patrick asks me. I stop eating for a moment to try and answer that with it getting too awkward. Peter glances at me cause he knows a little more than the rest of Chris's family, just cause Chris is so close with Peter.

"Um... no not really. We sort of... don't really... talk," I say and take a sip of my water. I've been meaning to call my dad but I just haven't had time with Vada and I'm honestly afraid to call him. I don't even know what I would say to him If I called.

'Hi dad, it's been 12 years, I got married to Chris Cornell, you know, from Soundgarden? Oh and I had his baby too, how are you?'

I don't think so.

"I'm sorry," Patrick says offering an apologetic look.

"Don't be sorry, it's ok," I give a dismissive wave as I set my glass of water down.

"We can definitely understand about not talking to family, I mean... well," Maggie trails off and takes a sip of her wine.

"But you know you've got us," Peter smiles at me.

"Thank you," I say shyly as I take another sip of my water.

"Did I miss anything?" Chris says when he comes back to the table and sits down beside me as I take another bite of this delicious turkey. I shake my head no as I eat and Chris gives me a smirk.

"Good," He smiles at me and leans in to place a kiss on my temple. I set my fork down and giggle. I'm not used to him showing so much affection to me in front of his family. I reach up and play with his beard a little when he pulls away from me as I look into his beautiful blue eyes.

"Ok you two, stop being so cute," Maggie says laughing.

"Shut -up Maggie," Chris smirks but she just giggles and sips her wine.


	30. Can I Visit Your Arms?

Seattle Washington, December 31 2000

"I don't know Chris," I say, pushing a stray curl from my eyes that had escaped my hair tie as I wait for the water on the stove to boil.

"Come on baby, It'll be good for us to get out. It's New Years Eve," Chris says as he stands holding Vada against his chest as she begins to make soft whining sounds, waiting for me to warm up her bottle.

He's right, it would be good for us to get out of the house. Chris and I haven't done anything together, just the two of us, since Vada was born.

I make a skeptical look as I set the bottle of formula in the pot of water with Chris still giving me that pleading look. To be honest I'm scared to leave Vada, even if it is only just a few hours.

"Babe, we can go out and grab some food somewhere and we'll make a whole night of it, just the two of us," Chris says, his blue eyes looking at me as he moves towards me with Vada in his arms. He looks so gorgeous with his dark hair curly, wearing a plain black t-shirt and those button fly jeans I love on him.

"I don't know..." I say as I take the bottle out of the pot and test the formula on my wrist.

Just right.

Then like all the other times, Vada begins to cry. She knows it's time for food. Chris takes the bottle from me and starts to feed her as she makes those adorable sucking sounds.

"Mom said she could watch her for the night so you know you have nothing to worry about," Chris says as he feeds her.

"I know but... it's just..."

"Just what?" Chris looks at me and I can tell he really wants to go out tonight, which is weird because he's normally the one who wants to stay in.

"I'm just worried about leaving her. I've never been away from her for more than just a few hours, let alone all night," I say, my brow furrowing as I look at my Vada studying her daddy as she eats.

"Babe, it's my mom we're talking here. I mean I know we've sort of been on weird terms over the years but, I don't know... It's like since we had Vada and I see how good my mom is with her, I feel like she's in good hands you know? I know she wasn't all that great with me growing up but, when I see her with Vada... she's just so, different... she's happy," Chris says as he looks at me. I think it over for a few moments and realize that maybe it's not so bad. I mean what wife doesn't want their husband to take them out on New Years Eve?

"Ok... Ok we'll go out tonight," I say and Chris leans down and places a kiss on my lips.

"I'm just going to run up and take a quick shower, and uh, do my hair before you go to your meeting thing... you ok with her?" I ask and he raises his eyebrow at me.

"Ok, I'll take that as a 'yes'" I say and tap him on the arm as I head out of the kitchen and make my way upstairs. Chris has a meeting with his manager this afternoon and he's not sure how long it would be so I figure I should clean myself up a bit before he goes.

I quickly remove my tank top and 90 logo track pants, take off my wedding and engagement ring and set them down on my dresser, grab a towel and head into the bathroom for a quick shower. Normally I keep them on but it's annoying when I'm trying to wash my hair. They get caught up in my curls and it takes forever to get them out. I quickly take my shower and wash my hair as fast as I can so that I can blow dry and straighten my hair. I've pretty much got the whole straightening part of my hair down so it doesn't nearly take as long as it used to. The trick is to blow it dry with a round brush first and then flat iron. I can get my hair done in 40 minutes by doing it that way. A lot better than the 2 hours that I used to struggle with. It's amazing the short cuts you figure out once you have a baby.

I quickly change into something comfortable for now, I figure I'll wait until later on to change into what I want to wear, you know, just in case Vada spits up on me or other things happen. That's another thing about motherhood that I knew was to happen but I just never knew it was so much all the time.

Eat. Sleep. Poop, Eat. Sleep. Poop... oh, and the occasional spit up like I just mentioned. It's like it never ends. 

Once I change, and smooth out my freshly straightened hair, I head back downstairs so Chris can get ready to head out.

As soon as I arrive at the bottom of the stairs, Vada who is on the floor, enjoying some much needed tummy time, lifts herself up as much as she can to see me and gives me the most adorable smile she could muster.

"Is that mommy? Mommy looks different huh?" Chris smiles at her from the couch and she giggles, patting her little hand on the floor. 

"Hi my baby girl..." I smile at her as I walk over to the blanket she was laying on and she giggles even more. Ok so maybe it's not all Eat, Sleep, Poop... there are some amazing moments in there as well.

"Ok I'm going to head out here to get this meeting over with, hopefully it won't be too long and uh, when I get back, we'll take her over to my moms?" Chris says rising from the couch as I pick Vada up off the blanket.

"Sure," I say as I turn to him as he heads towards the door then puts on his leather jacket.

"Ok, I'll see you in a bit babe... Bye my little Vada," Chris says so sweetly to her and places a kiss on the top of her head and she makes some more cooing sounds. Chris then places a quick kiss on my lips and heads out the door.

"Ok, peanut let's go have some girl time," I say and she makes even more adorable sounds.

*****

A few hours later, Chris had finally come back home from his meeting, and we were busy getting ready to take Vada to her grandmother's while she napped so peacefully in her little bassinette beside our bed.

"Do you have her bag all ready to go?" Chris whispers.

"Yea it's downstairs by the door," I whisper back as I fix my hair and re-smooth out some fly-aways that had occurred throughout the afternoon. I had decided on just my Pantera band shirt that I cut and styled. It was just loose enough around the middle so that it didn't emphasize my tummy too much, my ripped skinny jeans, and my Doc Martens. I've been really wanting to get my body back into shape again but I've just had no time at all. But I want to look good. As much as I feel insecure right now, I don't want to just throw on anything. I want to get back to my metal head self.

Chris looked amazing though, well he always looks amazing. He wore a black button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his forearms, his button fly jeans, his hair messy but spiky and those black suede leather wrist cuffs like he always used to wear.

Suddenly the phone started ringing from downstairs which made me jump a little.

"I'll go get that," Chris chuckles at me and heads out of the bedroom as he rolls up his sleeve. I slap on my silver studded wrist cuff and just as I was about to put on my wedding and engagement ring back on, they weren't on my dresser where I had put them earlier today.

"Um, what... the hell?" I say quietly and start to shift things around on my dresser, looking under my eye shadow pallet, my make up wipes, among other things and nothing. I look inside my jewelry box, thinking I might have put them in there but nope. I hear Vada make a few noises but she continues to sleep as I scour the floor, under the bed, on the side tables and still nothing.

"Ok Andrea don't panic," I say quietly to myself as I head into the bathroom to see if somehow I actually took them off in there. Still nothing.

Ok, well this is just fucking great.

I walk back into the bedroom, check Vada and she is still softly sleeping, then head downstairs to see if Chris had seen them.

"Ok, if you ready we can pretty much head out once Vada wakes up - "

" -have you seen my um, rings," I cut Chris off, playing with my ring finger nervously as he walks towards me from the kitchen.

"What rings?" Chris asks me as he adjusts his other sleeve.

"My rings, my wedding and engagement rings," I say trying not to sound panicked but I couldn't help it.

"No," Chris says confused as he looks at me with those blue eyes.

Ok now I'm starting to panic.

"Shit... you didn't see them down here at all?" I ask moving over to the coffee table and stepping on one of Vada's infant toys, causing me to stumble a bit. I let out a disgruntled sigh and pick up some of her other toys on the floor to put them in her motorized swing.

"Baby, hey don't worry, they're around here somewhere," Chris says trying to re-assure me as I move some of the couch cushions to try to find them.

"Fuck, no I can't lose them... what the fuck?" I say as now I really start to panic.

"Where did you put them down?"

"I set them on my dresser upstairs... I was positive I did, then I went and took my shower," I say putting the couch cushions back, flipping my long smooth hair out of my face.

"Did they fall in a drawer...?" He asks.

"No I looked and they didn't," I say as I turn to the large reading chair and move the cushion.

"Fuck, I can't believe I was so careless," I say angered at my self as I put the cushion back and flip my hair out of my face again.

"Baby, hey don't worry about it right now, it's alright... they're here somewhere in the house so they couldn't have gotten far... let's go get Vada ready and we'll take her over to my mother's and then we can go and get some food and have fun tonight," Chris says so sweetly as he walks over to me, wrapping his arms around me from behind, gently moving my hair behind my ear and placing soft kisses on my earlobe. As much as I feel bad about losing them, at least he's not mad at me. He's right, I'll find them at some point. I turn around in his arms to face him and he presses his lips to mine, but just as I was about to suck that bottom lip of his, Vada started crying from upstairs.

Of course she would start crying now. She always starts crying when Chris and I start anything. He breaks his lips away from mine and touches his forehead to mine, us both sighing in slight frustration.

Fuck I miss him.

"Ok, Vada I'm coming," I say and move away from Chris to go and get her.

*****

We eventually make our way to Chris's mother's for her to watch Vada. I'm still so scared to leave her overnight with Karen but she said it was ok to call anytime if I feel the need to check up on her but re-assured me that everything will be fine. I can't help it, she's my baby girl and I just worry.

Chris and I then make our way to The Central which I thought it was a little weird but we haven't been there in a really long time and they do have really good food. As soon as we walked in, there were a few people who recognized Chris and it was so sweet to see them come up to him and Chris taking the time to thank them. Chris has always been like that, just so humble and so sweet with everyone. We find a table, sit down, order some food and try to come up with some conversation that didn't involve Vada, but that was seeming to be difficult since she is the center of our lives now.

"... sometimes I wish I could just fast forward just a little so she would be at the stage where I can have a conversation with her..." I say as I sip my Coke.

"Yea... but I honestly wouldn't trade any amount of time... I just love soaking up every moment with her... " Chris trails off thinking about her and takes a sip of his Diet Coke. He is so freaking gorgeous when he gets that look on his face. That look of pure love and pure happiness that I haven't seen, probably ever. And that's not to say he's not happy with me... I just mean that light that shows up in his eyes when someone mentions Vada or when he talks about her is just nothing I've ever seen before and it makes me love him even more. If that's even possible.

"Ok... enough talking about the baby... it's making me miss her... what do you want to do after this?" I ask as I take the last bite of my food and set my fork down.

"Well I know it's probably cliché or whatever but I know you've never seen the Space Needle light up for New Year's..."

"Yea... but I don't know, it's pretty crowded..."

"Yea true..." Chris says as he looks down at his drink. I suddenly felt bad, I hope he wasn't planning to go to the Space Needle.

"We can go if you want to," I say taking a sip of my drink.

"No, no it's ok, Actually, I have a better idea," Chris says taking the last sip of his drink. He finishes the last of his food and leads me back out of The Central, back to his car and we take off down the road.

We drive for a little while blasting some of Pantera's Reinventing The Steel album as Chris lights up a smoke. 

"It's going to make me laugh so hard if Vada grows up to hate metal," Chris jokes exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Don't you dare say that at all... she's going to love it, metal is going to be her life, " I laugh and smack Chris playfully on his shoulder as he laughs.

After a little while we eventually arrive at a very familiar place. A place I actually hadn't thought of in a really long time.


	31. Can I Visit Your Legs?

Discovery Park, Seattle Washington December 31 2000

We pull up to a little clearing where the log benches still sat, the fire pit was still there as well, obviously other people use this to camp but lucky for us there was no one here. Chris cuts the engine steps out of the driver side, and flicks his cigarette off somewhere. He walks around to the front as I open my passenger side and walks over to me to take my hand. I close the passenger door as he laces his fingers through mine, the December air cool but not cold. It was just perfect. Chris leans in and places a kiss on my temple wrapping his arm around my neck as we walk towards the fire pit.

"Remember when we sat here after Jeff, Mike and Stone had all crashed out?" He says sweetly.

"I do," I smirk . So much has happened since then but I remember it like it was yesterday.

"Fuck we were so young huh?" Chris laughs.

"Yea... my god that was like 10 years ago," I say in slight disbelief. We reach the log bench and Chris sits down as I sit down beside him. I push my hair behind my ear as I look up at the December night sky, clear as anything with the full moon up above. We sit together, he takes my hands in his, which feel amazing as he warms them up a little.

"You remember that little striptease you did?" Chris says low with a smirk as he looks at me, his eyebrow raised.

"Vaguely... but... yea I remember," I giggle to myself. I do remember that striptease. My god I was so drunk but I was so young and so in love with him. He looked so fucking amazing with his guitar and playing all those silly songs, his hair so long with those beautiful curls and those amazingly beautiful blue eyes that still pierce me right through to my soul...

"That was the moment I knew, I wanted to be with you forever... I mean there were obviously moments before then but that's the moment I will never forget. The way you looked at me with your beautiful brown eyes and just how you didn't give a shit about what anyone thought. The way you just took off pieces of your clothes so teasingly and... just so fucking sexy... like... I can't explain it..." Chris says looking down at our hands together.

"You don't want me to re-create it do you? I mean, I could but it's a little nippy out here," I joke and Chris laughs.

"No, no... well yea, fuck yea I do, but not right now," He chuckles and I laugh. We sit with each other for a few more moments in silence, his fingers tracing where I would normally wear my ring. I wish I could've found them before we left, it feels weird not wearing them. Chris then gets up from the wood log and holds his hand out for me to take once more.

"What?" I ask.

"Come with me," He says so sweetly, his blue eyes shining somehow even though the only light is the moon and stars. I raise my eyebrow at him and he gestures for me to take his hand once more. I push my smooth dark hair behind my ear and take his hand. He then leads me down towards the water just on the beach, and we stand there listening to the soft waves hit the shore. I look up at Chris as he looks up at the night sky for a few moments and then glances down at me and turns to face me taking both my hands in his.

"Andi...?"

"Yea?" I say quietly as I continue to look into his eyes.

"You um, you didn't lose your ring," Chris says and glances down, bringing my hands up to place them on his chest through his leather jacket.

"What do you mean?" I giggle a little but Chris still stays serious. He exhales loudly but still doesn't look at me. He reaches his one hand into the pocket of his leather jacket and pulls out a little box. I look down at the black box he held in his hand.

"I... didn't really um, have a meeting with Jim... today at all. I wanted to surprise you with something instead," He trails off and I look back up at him.

"I had it in my head what I wanted to say and for some reason, I don't know why, but I feel so fucking nervous," Chris says as he flicks his eyes to mine. He then opens the box and there is my engagement ring, except it looks different.

"I have never loved anyone in my entire life as much as I love you. When I was so fucked up, and I felt like I couldn't go on, you stayed with me, by my side even when I didn't want to be me anymore. I don't know what in the world I did to deserve you and I know I've said and done things that I'm not proud of, but you never gave up on me. I know you've always wanted a wedding... an actual real one, not just some cheap wedding in Vegas"

"Chris it's -"

"No, no... let me..." He cuts me off as he tries to explain so I let him.

"Back then I didn't care, I was so in love with you, I just wanted you to be my wife,"

I look down at my ring that he held in his hand and fight back the tears that stung my eyes.

"You gave me the most gorgeous little girl in the world and I can't imagine my life without either of you in it... so I want to give you a wedding you've always wanted... you deserve a wedding where you can wear a gorgeous white dress and celebrate with all our friends and family..."

I look back up at him and I feel my tears beginning to fall.

"So, Andrea... would you marry me... again?"

"Yes... yes, a trillion times yes," I say without one ounce of hesitation and he slips the ring on my finger as I wipe the tears off my cheeks. The ring was beautiful. The center diamond was replaced with a larger diamond and around the diamond was Vada's birthstone with mine and Chris's and I couldn't help but giggle from feeling so fluttery inside. He chuckles with me and suddenly we hear some fireworks exploding way off in the distance. He touches his forehead to mine as we stand in the full moonlight.

"Happy New Year Baby," He says so sweetly.

"Happy... New... Year," I breathe and softly feel his lips touch mine. I just love the way he kisses me. I wish he would never stop kissing me. It's so strange 'cause I'm expecting Vada to start crying but all I hear are the gentle waves crashing against the shore, the reminisce of fireworks off in the distance and the sound of my heart feeling like it's about to pound out of my chest. He cups my face in his palms as I move my hands inside his jacket, feeling his warmth as his lips move with mine, his tongue flicking at my top lip as his kiss deepens.

Instantly I feel tingling shivers wash over my body and I couldn't help what I was about to do next. I move my hands down to the bottom of his shirt and trail my fingers up over his toned abs which immediately sends sensations to my core.

I sigh softly against his lips and then he breaks away moving to my jawline, softly biting and then to my earlobe. I bite my bottom lip to try to contain myself but I can't.

"Chris," I breathe.

"Yes baby?" He says so lustfully in my ear.

"I want you so bad but it's so cold out here," I try to sound seductive but end up giggling.

"Oh, baby you have no idea how much I want you right now," He says so seductively placing a kiss at the spot below my earlobe. His hands move to my hips, his fingers trail up under my shirt skipping across my chilled skin and he realizes I'm not wearing a bra. I let out a pleasurable whimper as I feel him smile with his lips against my neck.

"Should... we head... home?" I find myself panting a little in between my words.

"I don't think I can make it all the way home," He says. To be honest, I don't think I can make it all the way home either. I clear my throat and slowly pull away from him, his eyes never leaving me. I take his hand in mine and lead him back to his car. As much as I feel nervous and insecure, I just don't care right now.

So what if I have a few stretch marks? Why am I so insecure about it? Sex is what I'm really nervous about. Come to think of it, will it feel the same?

Ok, Stop it Andrea! You're fucking killing the mood before it's even started.

I have never been one to feel this way about myself. I've always been confident without being flashy about it. I've always pretty much been alright with the way I looked but right now, it's different. My body has gone through so many changes that I don't know how to feel.

As we come up to the fire pit area, I let go of his hand, shake off my leather jacket tossing it on the wooden log seat, then I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I pull up my Pantera shirt over my head and let it flutter to the ground.

"Andi?" I hear Chris breathe behind me as my smooth dark hair falls down around my shoulders.

"You wanted a re-creation so, I'm improvising," I smirk raising my eyebrow as I turn around to face him, placing my hands over my breasts to cover my nipples, feeling the cold December air chill my skin, though I don't feel cold at all.

Chris bites his bottom lip as he watches me walk backwards towards the car, he starts to pick up his pace and I laugh turning from him and running to the car. I open up the back door from the passenger side and slide myself into the back seat, laying myself down, leaning against the car door as Chris laughs following in behind me.

"Shit baby, aren't you cold?" He chuckles as he slides in behind the passenger side, sitting in between my legs.

"Nope," I lie shivering as I still cover my breasts with my hands. He quickly takes off his leather jacket, tossing it on the front seat, then I move my hands to his black button up shirt and unbutton each button quickly, revealing his beautifully toned chest. He then moves and leans down over me as I press my lips to his, my lips quivering a little from the chill in the air. My hands move up his sides and around to his back as his lips move with mine. I slowly start to suck his bottom lip and he moans against me making me want him even more. With his arm supporting himself, resting on the back seat, his other hand moves to my hip, slowly moving up my side.

Does he notice that I'm a little squishier than before? Can he feel my stretch marks?

I desperately try to stop the insecure voice in my head as I move my hands to entwine my fingers through his soft spiky strands. His tongue flicks at my top lip and I hungrily respond, devouring his mouth with mine. He moans against my lips once more as his hand trails up to my breast, his fingers softly playing with my nipple.

Breaking away from my lips, he moves to my chin, dragging his lips to my throat as I lean my head back and close my eyes tightly, trying to relax and just let him touch me. His lips feel so hot against my chilled skin as he moves down my chest, between my breasts and lower still.

Ok Andrea relax, just breathe...

I let out a soft whimper as I feel his fingers move to the button of my jeans and just as he breaks open the button, he quickly pulls down the zipper all the while his lips kiss my abdomen right where I'm the most insecure about my marks.

I keep my eyes closed tightly as I exhale, realizing I was holding my breath for a while. I want him to stop but I also really don't want him to stop.

Why am I even nervous about this? It's fucking dark in here, as if he can really see me.

His hot lips trace just above the lacy trim of my red panties and I'm already starting to feel myself become increasingly wet.

He moves his hands to pull my jeans down over my hips and realizing it's a little awkward in the car, I quickly help him pull them down, trying so hard to be sexy and graceful about it but ending up getting frustrated as they get caught on my boots. He chuckles as I finally free them and toss my jeans on to the front seat. I give him a nervous look as I re-position myself back underneath him as he gives me that re-assuring smile.

"Fuck, I forgot to -" I look down and realize my panties were still on and just as I was about to take them off for him, he cuts me off and stops me.

"Baby, just relax... here, let me..." He says so sweetly as he places his hands back on my hips and then places more soft fleeting kisses just above the rim. I lean back a little, biting my bottom lip as his fingers trail down, softly touching me through the thin red fabric.

I inhale a shakily as he slips his fingers inside my panties, gently teasing and caressing but not actually touching my clit.

"Chris," I whimper without realizing it and let out a pleasurable sigh immediately after.

"You're excited for me aren't you?" He says so lustfully. I respond with another whimper escaping my lips and I swear I thought I was going to explode. His fingers continue to tease causing me to let out more pleasurable sounds as he focuses on his playing, biting his bottom lip. He finally touches my clit, gently stroking as he flicks his eyes up to me to watch my reaction to him.

The feeling of his touch sends an unbelievable rush of heat all over my body as I try to contain my sounds by biting my bottom lip but inevitably losing as I begin to moan even louder.

"I love how wet you are for me baby," He purrs, slipping his finger inside me.

Jeezus fucking Christ that feels so fucking amazing...

At that point I knew I was right at the edge, but I try desperately to hold myself back.

I can't cum yet, I need to focus. Think about something else Andrea, just think about something else!

I was doing everything I could to stop myself from releasing too quickly, but was disappointed when he stopped for a moment. I flick my eyes open to see him quickly take off his shirt, tossing it up on the front seat and then quickly unbuttoning his jeans and pushing them down just enough over his hips. Moving his hands to the rim of my panties, he pulls them down as I manage to get them off but remain hooked around my boot.

Pressing his full soft lips to my inner thigh, he slowly moves closer to my center, sighing at the feeling of his touch.

"You... have no idea... how much... I want you," He growls between his kisses, once again without actually touching my clit. All I could think about was wanting him to just stop teasing me as I let out another loud whimper.

"...and to hear those beautiful sounds you make," He purrs and then places his lips on my clit, his tongue flicking at first and then switching to long gentle licks with intermittent sucking. I gasp at the feeling of him, quickly realizing that I am really not going to last long at all. He began to suck harder and more persistently, so much so, that it feels as if he's pulling the very soul right out of my body.

My one hand went to my hair, threading my fingers through my roots and gripping trying to control my breathing, whimpering and moaning while the other hand went to his hair, twirling his spiky strands in between my fingers.

This is it. I'm there. Oh, fucking Christ I'm there...

"Oh. Fuck. Don't fucking stop. Yes! Yes!"

I cry out a string of more words, all of which seem to melt together, free falling as I release all over him. Once I relax, trying desperately to catch my breath, He lifts his head from between my legs, wiping his face with his hand, sitting back on the seat, flicking his eyes over my every curve.

"I guess it's been a while huh?" He smirks mischievously, raising his eyebrow at me.

"Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?" I pant and he laughs.

"That sounded like a good one, I hope that's not it for the night," He bites his bottom lip.

"Um, have we met before?" I joke gesturing my hand back and forth between us, raising my eyebrow back at him and he laughs again. He glances down and runs his hand up my shin to my thigh, admiring the venerable position I was in. I flick my eyes over his gorgeous body, his smooth chest, this beautiful torso, his toned biceps, those forearms with those suede leather wrist cuffs .

Fuck, he's so beautiful.

I sit myself up and I couldn't help but reach over, placing my hand on his chest, feeling him flex beneath my touch and slowly moving down. He moves his hand to frame my face, his thumb brushing across my bottom lip. I close my eyes, leaning into his palm, moving my hand up to his wrist, feeling the soft suede leather of his wrist cuff. I then take his index finger, placing my lips around and suck, teasing him as much as I can. He groans leaning in and touching his forehead to mine, closing his eyes as I massage him in my palm, gripping and pumping him slowly.

"Shit..." He pants as I work him, feeling the tiny bit of pre-cum around the tip of him.

"I guess you're excited for me as well," I purr, not even recognizing the sound of my voice.

"After a performance like that, how could I not be?" His voice low as he gives me that lustful look under his brow.

Jeezus Fuck, I love the sound of that voice.

I bite my bottom lip and push him to sit back in the back seat as I swiftly move myself on top, still holding him in my palm, pumping him firmly, then positioning him right in the perfect spot for me to rub my clit against him. He groans as I lean over him a little, bracing myself against the back seat. His hands move to my breasts, my nipples begging to be touched, or sucked.

Then like he knew what I was aching for, he places his lips around my nipple gently playing and flicking his tongue but I really didn't want it to be gentle anymore.

"Harder," I breathe and he obliges, clamping his lips down and sucking firmly just like I wanted making me whimper as I rock against him.

"That's... so... good" I moan as that familiar pressure begins to build slow and steady.

"I need to be inside you," Chris pleads.

"Do it," I pant and with that, he thrusts his hips as I lower myself down, the length of him completely filling me up, as all my insecurities about it wondering if it still feels the same melting away. The sound that emitted from his throat confirms that I really had nothing to worry about.

Holy Shit, how I missed him inside me.

"God damn, Andrea you feel so good," He groans and turns his attention to my other nipple, sucking and flicking gently.

"Harder," I whine. I have no idea what made me want it like this but he just felt too damn good inside me. I was tired of being made love to, I just want him to fuck me. He moved his hands to grip my hips and I watch his biceps flex as he lifts me up and down. A deep thrust from him hits that perfect spot inside me, the sensation instantly pushing me to the edge.

"I'm... almost... there..." I pant closing my eyes, arching my back, his hands gripping my hips tighter.

"Yes baby... cum hard for me baby," He growls and that was all the encouragement I needed. I grip around his shaft as I finally reach the peak, free falling screaming once more. He cries that familiar sound that I missed, that he does so beautifully in his songs and I knew I was a puddle at his feet.

"My god, you are so beautiful," He brushes my hair from my ear whispering, while I lean over him burying my face in the crook of his neck.

"Oh... My god, that felt so fucking amazing," I pant half giggling as he chuckles with me. I lift myself up to look into his blue eyes, touching my forehead to his. After a few moments I lift my head from his and look around the car, the windows steamed from our escapade.

"Well, I'm not cold any more," I smirk as I look back at him and he laughs. He takes my face in his hands pulling me into him, pressing his lips to mine in a long soulful lingering kiss. After a few moments he breaks away from me and I look down noticing that he's still at halfway hard.

"Should we head home?" He asks with his eyes closed.

"I don't know, it looks to me that you still wanna play," I say moving my hand and softly stroking him. I suddenly had visions of him in my mouth and I was already feeling the warmth return to my clit

"I might need... a few minutes... here," Chris's voice breaks as he clears his throat, he opens his eyes to find me pouting in disappointment.

"Baby," He chuckles.

"I'm sorry, I need to make up for lost time," I say innocently giving him another pout.

"Hey now, don't give me that look," Chris chuckles.

"What look is that?" I giggle as he moves his hand up to cup my face in his palm. I lean into his palm and slowly close my eyes as his thumb once again brushes across my bottom lip.

"The look that makes me fall in love with you over and over again," Chris says, his voice softly taking a different tone. A warm and loving tone that makes me feel safe from the world. A tone that lets me know that I'm not just the mother of his child, I am his wife, his lover and his forever.


	32. Just A Dream

"Mom? Are you here?"

"I'm here peanut..."

She climbs up on the bed and lays down beside me. I bring her close to me and cuddle her, running my fingers through her long dark curls as she places her arm on my side.

"What's wrong mom? Why are you crying?"

How am I going to tell her? I can't even face it myself.

"Mom? What happened? Where's Daddy?"

"Shhh..."

I hush her and she looks up at me with those piercing blue eyes. Those eyes that remind me so much of him that it hurts. It hurts so bad. I can't stand the pain inside.

"Mom...?"

Ojai California, May 21 2001

I wake up with a jolt and hear Vada crying on the baby monitor. The sun was just beginning to rise as the blue -greyish tone light shone through our bedroom window. I glance over at Chris, snoring softly beside me, laying on his back with the sheet just pulled up to his hips.

Fuck, that was one strange dream...

"Ok, Vada I'm coming," I exhale a whisper as I grab a hair tie from the side table and pull my curls up into a high ponytail on my head. I climb out of bed and grab one of Chris's button up shirts that hung over the chair in the room and slip it on as I head out of the bedroom and down the hall to Vada.

"Ugh this heat," I say to myself as I approach her bedroom.

A couple of months ago, Chris and I decided it was time for a little change. Chris wanted to make it easier to rehearse with Tom, Brad and Tim, so he came up with the idea for us to move. It surprised me at first because for as long as I've known Chris, Seattle was his home. He may have travelled all over the world a few times over but he had always come home to Seattle, so when we actually made the decision to move, I suggested that we keep the house in Seattle. It's completely paid off and if we ever decided to move back, we still at least have a home.

I wasn't sure about moving to Los Angeles so Chris let me pick what city to move to. It's so crazy to think that we can just do that and I'm so thankful that we can. I never in a million years ever thought I'd be able to just pick a destination and move there. It's like I've always said, I'm still that same humble girl - well now woman - that came from nothing. Just a girl from a small town in Ontario that took a chance and moved out west with practically the clothes on my back and all the savings I had, plus a scholarship for Seattle University.

We bought another home and settled here in Ojai California, about an hour and a half outside L.A. If we were going to move to California, I wanted to make sure that we were still close to nature as we were back in Washington. I had grown to love the mountains of course and the view of Mount Rainier was amazing in Seattle, so Ojai seemed like the closest I could get without moving to the middle of the desert or being right in L.A. I still need space and Chris appreciated that.

I arrive at the doorway to Vada's room and there she was sitting up in her crib just crying away.

"Oh, peanut... you ok? Mommy's here... shhhhh..." I say as I walk over to her. Her expression is so cute but so sad as she continues to cry.

"It's those teeth eh?" I say as I pick her up as she intermittently whines. I put my finger to her lips to check and see and she has two new side teeth on the top beginning to poke through.

"Ok peanut, lets go to the kitchen and get you a new cold teether. Does that sound good?" I say as she begins to cry again and leans her soft forehead on my chin.

"Ok," I say, holding her head to me, her dark curls so cutely messy from sleeping, and we head back down the long hallway, passed our bedroom where Chris was still sleeping, to the far end of the house into the kitchen. The house was big but only one floor and no basement. The laundry room was just off the kitchen and Chris's studio was at the back of the house facing the beautiful view of the California mountains. Having only one floor made things so much easier especially when doing laundry. Since Having Vada, I feel like I'm constantly doing laundry so at least now I don't have to carry it up and sown so many stairs like our old house. But, I have to admit, it was keeping me fit. The only thing that's wrong with the house is that the Central air system needs to be replaced so for right now we just have to deal with the California heat. I had no idea it got this hot and it's only the end of May. I'm still so used to living North where it's overcast, chilly and gloomy until probably the end of June.

I walk into the kitchen and head straight for the freezer where I kept some extra teething rings cold for her. The material of the teething ring was perfect, it kept it cold enough to soothe but not so cold you couldn't hold on to it. They worked so well I bought as many as she needed and then some.

I pull out a bright pink one and the way those gorgeous blue eyes lit up even though she was still crying was just the cutest thing ever. I hold out the teething ring for her and she immediately clamps her pouty lips onto it, her little hands gripping it as she chews and drools all over it making the cutest sounds as she still leans into me.

"Still a little early for breakfast... are you hungry peanut?" I say glancing up at the clock on the wall that read 5:30. She makes some more sounds but eagerly chews on the teether.

"How 'bout I make something anyways?" I say and hold her head, placing quick kisses on her forehead. Her little sounds signal to me to go ahead and make some food, so I walk over to the living room where her little play pen is set up, set her down inside as she holds onto the teething ring, and pull in all of her stuffies around her to keep her company and turn the tv on low switching it to one of the shows she loves to watch.

I start her off with a bottle of formula for now and make myself a coffee as Vada fixates her eyes on the tv, holding her bottle as she eats, making intermittent happy sounds. I figure this is a good time to get back to planning the wedding as I sit down at the kitchen table and open the binder full of ideas I had.

It feels so strange to plan my own wedding. It's really more just renewing our vows as Chris and I are obviously still married. It's not something I ever did as a little girl but I did sometimes imagine what my wedding would be like. I knew I didn't want a big wedding but looking at this guest list that I have, it's turning out that it is a big wedding, to me anyways. We've set a date for August 5 2001, our 10th anniversary.

Ten years... ten years already, and just over 12 years since we met. God it feels like just yesterday I was that young 18 year old girl going to the Gorilla Room for the first time just to check out a band that my best friend, Selena, at the time had heard of. Me with a fake ID... I'm honestly surprised I never got caught.

To think that if I never walked up to the bar after or even decided not to go at all, I would've never met Chris and all of this would've never happened. Fuck that's so weird to think about.

Chris was so... so mesmerizing that night, I couldn't even believe he wanted to talk to me and buy me that drink. I remember how he said it too.

'Don't worry I got it'

That sexy smirk and those full lips just made me melt at his feet.

Fuck why can't I shake that dream? I hate those kinds of dreams where they stick with you hours after you've woken up.

As I start to read over the guest list, I hear Chris walking down the hall towards the kitchen where I sat cross legged in my chair at the kitchen table.

"Hi baby," Chris yawns as he runs his hand through his messy bedhead of curls, in just his black 90 logo track pants.

"Hey... what are you doing up? I hope we didn't wake you," I say as I look up at him.

"No, you didn't wake me, it's alright," He says sweetly and leans down to place a quick kiss on my lips. He glances over at Vada who was drinking her bottle and completely fixated on Chris. She then makes a few more happy sounds at the sight of her daddy as he walks over to her and places a kiss on the top of her head.

"Hi my peanut," Chris says so cutely and Vada giggles.

"You wake mommy up early?" He says and she squeals with a few giggles then turns her attention back to the tv. He places another kiss on the top of her head and then walks back over to grab a cup of coffee.

"You working on the wedding?" He says and takes a sip before sitting down across from me at the table.

"Yea... I'm just going over the guest list now... but I think it's too early for me to think," I say as Chris chuckles.

"Vada didn't wanna go back to sleep?" He asks taking a sip of his coffee.

"Nah she's been fussy with her teething so I gave her a soothing ring, then she seemed hungry so... we just ended up staying up instead." I say with a yawn and a stretch and Chris reaches over and attempts to tickle me as my arms were raised above my head.

"Hey now," I laugh and he laughs then takes another sip of his coffee.

"You know you can go back to sleep if you need to. I'm surprised you're even awake now since you were out so late," I say with another yawn. Chris had rehearsals with Tim, Brad and Tom last night and he didn't get home until 2:00am this morning.

"Yea, but I can't sleep," He says and looks over at Vada.

"Yea me either," I say and I look back down at the guest list still feeling a little weird about that dream.

"Are you alright?" Chris asks concerned as he takes another sip of his coffee.

"Yea, yea I'm fine... I just had a really weird dream when Vada woke me up... you know those ones where they just stay with you for like the whole day... and they just give you like a really 'off' feeling?"

"Oh, yea... I hate those kinds too... What was it about?" Chris asks so cutely and takes another sip.

"It's hard to really make out but, Vada was older... like maybe 16 or something and I was crying on the bed... she comes into our room and lays down beside me and she keeps asking me what was wrong and why I was crying and where you were... and I had this really heavy painful feeling in my chest... like I didn't know how to tell her... I don't know..." I trail off and take a sip of my coffee.

"Ok... that's weird," Chris smirks and raises his eyebrow at me.

"Yea," I trail off again. I wish I could explain the feeling better. I remember it feeling like the most painful heartbreak, like when my mother died.

"Where was I?" He asks.

"That's the thing... I don't know... it was just like... so weird," I say and glance over at Vada as she chews on her teething ring and try to forget the feeling.

"Well at least it was only a dream," Chris says and takes a sip.

"Yea..."


	33. Back In The Saddle Again

Los Angeles California, Royaltone Studios June 14 2001

"Oh, Vada you are just so adorable," Tom smiles as Vada giggles and squeals, clapping her hands, bouncing herself on the studio floor. Rick Rubin who was sitting at the control board was busy recording Chris's vocals on the last track of the recording session. It had been a while since Tim, Brad and Tom had seen Vada so they wanted me to bring her along. Everytime she hears Chris sing she bounces so excitedly clapping and giggling.

"Ok Chris, you wanna do that last part again? Let me hear ya," Rick says as he pushes the intercom button. I look up through the studio window and Chris nods and gives me a cute wink as Rick starts the tape again.

"I am not your rolling wheels  
I am the highway  
I am not your carpet ride  
I am the sky  
I am not your blowing wind  
I am the lightening  
I am not your autumn moon  
I am the night.... the night... the night...  
yea... yea..."

Vada laughs and claps even more which makes me laugh.

"Ok, Chris that was awesome!" Rick calls over the intercom. Chris puts the headphones down and heads out of the recording room. As soon as he opens the door to come back into the control room, Vada immediately looks up at him with her big blue eyes and squeals, shifting her butt and crawling as fast as she could over to him.

"Hi peanut," Chris laughs as he picks her up and she squeals, as she claps her little hands smiling at him.

"Ok, so that was really good guys, I'll uh, send this off to get mixed as soon as I can. Did you guys figure out all the management stuff yet?" Rick asks as he spins around to face us in his chair.

"Uh, no we actually haven't... we're still under Q Prime management right now and we're trying to get out of the contract, but Chris's manager doesn't seem to want to budge on the issue at all, he seems to think we should go under his management but honestly... ugh! I don't know," Tom says as he crosses his arms in frustration sitting cross legged on the chair opposite of me on the couch. I look up at Chris and see him making the silliest faces at Vada, then every once and a while he'll lift up her cute little pink T-shirt with Simba from The Lion King on the front and blows on her tummy making noises and she laughs even harder.

"Chris?" Tom asks and Chris still continues to make Vada laugh.

"Chris?" Tom repeats.

"Uh huh yea? What?" Chris says and Vada leans herself into him, attempting to nibble his shoulder as she makes more babbly sounds drooling on his plain white fitted tank top.

"Management... you know..." Tom says and everyone looks up at Chris.

"Um... well yea, Jim's not budging and I know you guys aren't happy with Q Prime so why don't we just get a whole different manager? I mean it's not hard to fire management is it?" Chris says as he looks at Vada.

"Chris... it's a little more complicated than just saying 'you're fired'. It's a binding contract... you usually have to pay a penalty or something to get out of it. But if someone else was to take over the contract, it would still be difficult but you wouldn't loose as much credibility," I say and everyone looks in my direction.

"Sorry, business talk... basically you just have to transfer the contract into another person's name and have them take over as management," I explain as Rick heads out of the control room

"Well I don't know... here's a thought, what if you took over as our manager," Tom says looking right at me and I completely thought he was making a joke.

"Right," I giggle.

"No really... you managed Soundgarden so why not us?" Tom says. I raise my eyebrow and look back up at Chris who was still busy playing with Vada. I then look back and forth between Tim, Brad and Tom and they all seemed to already have this idea ready to go before I even knew anything about it.

"You're not serious are you?" I giggle skeptically.

"We're completely serious," Tom says.

"But... I don't, I mean, we don't really know each other all that well..." I trail off and they all give me a disheartened look.

"That's not what I meant, I mean... are you sure you wouldn't want someone who would be a better fit? Maybe?"

"Are you saying you don't like us?" Brad smirks and I suddenly felt bad.

"No, no I'm not saying that -" I start to panic.

"Andi, it's alright, we get it if you don't want to... but you did such a good job with Soundgarden we just thought that you would be a perfect fit," Tom says. I feel absolutely flattered that they thought of me but, I don't know if I could. I look back over as Chris who was swaying Vada back and forth as she babbles so cutely and carrying on.

"Was this your idea?" I ask Chris skeptically.

"Nope," Chris says as he continues to make faces at Vada.

"It was all our idea," Tom says.

"But I don't work for Q Prime management or Rebel Waltz management so I would just be an outsider taking over," I explain. Rebel Waltz was Chris's management with Jim.

"Ok, so we go with an outsider," Tom says.

"But then you would be breaking the contract you all currently have and it would defeat the purpose of just sliding someone in to take over," I giggle and Tom leans back in the chair looking defeated.

"Look I'm flattered you want me to take over, but I honestly don't know if I can. I have Vada which takes up pretty much all my time and then were still planning our wedding and... I don't work for any management or record company so it would be just solely me which is stressful all on it's own," I explain. I really didn't want to turn them down but realistically it just wouldn't work. The look on their faces make me feel even worse.There is no way I can juggle everything and then some.

"Baby, just say you'll do it. I know you want to. I know you miss it," Chris looks at me after a few minutes of silence between all of us except for the occasional babble from Vada.

"Yea I do kinda miss it but..." I say after a few moments of thinking it over.

"Babe, you'll have help... you won't be doing it all on your own... you're just so good at the business side of things that it just makes sense. I know it was difficult before cause... well, I was fucked up. This time, it's gonna be different. I'm sober," Chris looks at me with those eyes that I just can't say no to as Vada leans her head against Chris's chin and continues to babble.

"You think mommy should manage daddy?" Chris looks down at her and she giggles.

"Yea? I think mommy should too," Chris chuckles and Vada giggles even more.

"See even your daughter thinks you should do it," Chris smirks at me and I smirk back. I look back between Tim, Brad and Tom who all seem to be looking at me hoping I'll just say yes.

"Ok, ok I'll do it," I say with a shrug and they all smile at me looking relieved.

"But I'm gonna need a team behind me... I can't do it all on my own," I say as I look up at Chris.

"Don't worry babe, Like I said... we got you,"


	34. Finally Forever

Ojai Valley Inn, Ojai California, August 5 2001

"Oh, my god I'm so fucking nervous," I exhale as I keep my eyes closed standing in the hotel room afraid to look at myself in the mirror.

Today is the day. My wedding day. My actual wedding day and I am nervous as all fucking hell. I feel like it had taken so long to get here, especially with planning it and figuring everything out, now that I'm starting the process of managing Audioslave. That is a whole other ordeal on it's own, but the day is here and I'm even more nervous than I was when we got married in Vegas all those years ago. Every single one of our friends and mostly Chris's family is out in the Inn's courtyard waiting for the wedding to start. I flick my eyes open finally and see myself in the full length mirror barely even recognizing myself at all.

"Andi, you look so gorgeous, don't be nervous everything is going to be fine," Chris's sister Maggie says as she helps me zip up the back of my dress.

I chose a sleeveless white dress, which flared out from the waist all the way down to the floor, the bodice hugging me in the most perfect way with the most beautiful white lace detailing I had ever seen. I decided not to go with a train or veil as I just thought that would be too much so I left my hair down with perfect ringlets that cascaded passed my shoulders. I was worried when I bought the dress that I wasn't going to be able to fit into it, but I worked really hard on getting my body back to where it was before I got pregnant, which I am surprised I was able to even find the time, with everything else I had on my plate.

Suddenly there was a knock which made me jump a little as Maggie walks over to answer the door.

"Hey Andi,"

I turn from the mirror for a moment to see Eddie standing there in his black suit holding a box with a black bow tied on top.

"Eddie," I smile. Fuck it's been so long since Chris and I had seen him. I'm so glad he was able to make it to the wedding. He smiles and walks over to me wrapping me in a huge hug as Maggie closes the door behind him.

"You look so beautiful Andi," He says softly as we still embrace each other.

"Thank you," I giggle awkwardly and I pull away from him already feeling the need to cry.

"Oh um, Chris wanted me to give this to you," He says as he looks down at the box in his hands. I look back down at the box, untie the bow and open the box and inside was a note with Chris's handwriting.

My love, My light  
Here's to the first 10 years  
and many, many more

P.S  
Get it? "Light... lightning"? ok anyways.. I figured a lightning bolt was perfect for a metal head

As I read the note, the tears sting my eyes and I fight to not let them fall as I start to laugh at his joke.

He is such a dork.

Inside the box with the note was a beautiful white gold chain necklace with a white gold lightning bolt charm and the dates of our wedding engraved on the back.

Chapter 1  
08/05/1991 - 08/05/2001

"Oh my god, I hate him," I laugh as I start to cry and Eddie chuckles with me.

"Want me to help you put it on?" Eddie says sweetly and I nod trying to stop the tears from flowing. I hand him the necklace as Maggie hands me a tissue and I dab at my eyes, trying not to mess up my make up. I turn around and move my hair as Eddie clasps the necklace around me, the lightning bolt charm resting just at the start of my cleavage, shining in the light. I finish dabbing my eyes as I turn back to Eddie and I giggle feeling awkward I'm crying in front of him.

"Um, is Vada ok?" I sniff.

"Yea she's with Chris's mom," Eddie says.

"And Chris got my gift for him?" I ask as I adjust the top of my dress.

"Yea, yea he did," Eddie says.

"How are you and Jill doing? She's here with you right?" I ask.

"Yea, yea, she's here... We're good, we're really good," He smiles at me.

"Good, good... That's really good," I say shakily and start to giggle at the fact I said 'good' so much and Eddie starts to laugh.

"Sorry I'm just nervous," I say and look down at myself smoothing out my dress.

"It's ok, I would be too," Eddie smiles at me as I look back up at him and for a few moments, we just look at each other.

"I'm really glad you made it," I say.

"Me too," 

"Well, I'll uh, just get back out there, and let you finish getting ready," Eddie says after another few moments of silence.

"Ok," I say and move to give Eddie another hug. We embrace each other for a few more moments as he congratulates me one more time and once again I feel like tears are about to fall. Then he places a quick kiss on my temple as he pulls away and heads back out the door. I then turn back to Maggie making sure everything looks ok on me and then realizing that the wedding is about to start. Maggie and I then walk out of the hotel room, to the Inn's courtyard.

*****

"Ok, I can do this," I say quietly to myself as I stand in the hotel's back courtyard inside the main lobby of the common back area building with Maggie fixing my dress for me and my arm linked with Chris's brother Peter. It felt so strange that there wasn't one member from my family here to see me get married. I had tried to contact my father over the last few months since I started planning the wedding but there was no answer from him at all. I left messages which were a little awkward at first as I hadn't spoken to him in over 13 years and then left more messages as the weeks went on but he still never called me back. I was positive I had the right number as it was his voice that was recorded on the answering machine but not one reply back. Not a single fucking call back.

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

But my little Vada is here and I know my mom is here. I can feel her here with me right now. My mom and Vada are all the support I need.

I miss her.

"Ok, Andi you ready?" Peter says looking down at me as Maggie makes her way up to the archway of flowers at the end of the long white satin fabric that ran between the two sections of many rows of all our guests. I take in a deep breath and glance at everyone who sat in each seat. It seemed so overwhelming seeing everyone here. Everyone from Duff and Susan, Slash and his date... Mike, Jeff, Stone, Matt and Jerry. I tried to get Layne here too but he wasn't replying to any of my invitations... I hope he's ok.

"Yea, I'm ready," I say nervously and look up at Peter. He covers my hand that held his bicep with his and we start walking from the building to the end of the long white satin isle. I just try to breathe as the music starts and suddenly everyone rises and turns in my direction to look at me while I gripped Peter's arm and held on to my bouquet of white roses for dear life.

I try desperately to not let it show that I am completely terrified that people are watching me as they smile while Peter walks me down the isle. It felt like the longest walk of my life as the music begins to play. I glance over at Chris's mom who held Vada as she babbles so cutely and then I glance up and see Chris standing there with the Officient under the archway of flowers looking just as nervous as I am in his black Armani suit, his hair perfectly spiky, those small silver hoop earrings, his beard perfectly trimmed and those blue eyes that pierce the very center of my being. 

As soon as arrive at the end of the isle, Maggie on my right side taking my bouquet for me and Chris on my left, Peter places and quick kiss on my temple and whispers something that I couldn't really make out as everything just seemed to blur together at this point. Peter then lets go of me and takes his place where Chris once was as Chris moves to stand with me looking into my eyes and looking so adorable.

"Hi," Chris says so cutely with the biggest smile spreading across his face.

"Hi," I giggle softly as I look at him with the rest of the world suddenly falling away and it was like only he and I existed in this moment. The bright summer sun lighting up everything, a cool gentle breeze shifting my curls a little with the view of the California mountains in the distance. I couldn't ask for a more perfect moment than right now. After a few moments the Officiant begins the ceremony.

"Good afternoon everyone... Chris, Andrea and I would like to welcome you here on this gorgeous day in Ojai California. It's because of all of you that Chris and Andrea's relationship has strengthened and grown which has led them to this very moment. Thank you for being here. Now let's begin," He says and I quickly glance over the rows of our friends and family and I could feel my heart just pounding in my chest.

"Chris and Andrea, what you've accomplished is no small feat. Your journey began 13 years ago, the moment you two met. You took the time to learn what makes the other person smile, what makes them laugh, and how to best support them when life is less than simple. You welcomed each other's families and life long friends and joined them together with warmth and enthusiasm. You built a village with your love and have worked every day to support this love as it changes and grows..."

I look down at myself as he continues his speech and all I could feel was Chris looking at me and smiling. It's so god damn hard to keep it together right now. I can feel my tears bubbling up again.

"... marriage brings hard days just as it brings beautiful ones. This day is a reminder of what your love has accomplished, a beautiful daughter that has brought joy to the both of you, and the amazing possibilities of what it can continue to accomplish and overcome in the many, many more years ahead of you..."

"As our reading today, Chris has something he would like to say, or rather perform as a token of his love for Andrea..."

I look up at Chris somewhat confused. This wasn't rehearsed at the rehearsal dinner at all last night. I raise my eyebrow at him as he walks over to a chair that was set up with a mic with his Dean Martin acoustic guitar. I glance out at everyone as they have their eyes on me and Chris, but mostly Chris as they probably weren't expecting this either.

"Hi," Chris says cutely into the mic and everyone chuckles.

"Ok, so I uh, wasn't sure if I was really going to do this but at the last minute I decided that I need to let Andrea know just how much I love her and how much she really means to me... We've been through so much together. 13 years of her putting up with my ass is not a walk in the park I'll tell you that," Chris chuckles and everyone lets out some laughter. I could feel my heart just racing as I didn't know what to do.

"Um... so I'll uh... well ok here... I'll just start, " Chris fumbles a bit with a little more laughter from everyone and then starts to play.

"On the silent night so out of place  
I almost lost my nerve  
When I saw you walk into my space  
A woman like you I could not replace  
It took some patience to catch your eye  
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all  
It's finally forever

There's no hill I would not climb for you  
No bridge I wouldn't cross  
Not a moment passes in my life  
That you're not on my mind  
Together or apart  
And it took some patience to catch your eye  
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all  
It's finally forever

Anytime you're lost  
Anywhere you're found  
Anytime you wantI will be around  
Anywhere you seek  
Anywhere you stand  
Anytime you fall  
Anywhere you limp  
Even if you break  
Anytime I can I will be there for you  
I know that you'll understand  
You'll understand

Now I never would have imagined this  
So I thank my lucky stars  
As I see you in your wedding dress  
Never would have guessed you'd fill my open arms  
It took some patience to catch your eye  
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all  
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all  
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all  
It's finally forever  
Finally forever"

As soon as he finished that last note I swear I could not stop the tears from stinging my eyes, Maggie hands me a tissue and I dab my eyes as I quickly walk over to where Chris was sitting as he sets the guitar back down on it's stand. Everyone started to applaud as I basically attacked Chris wrapping my arms around him trying my best not to bawl like a baby in front of everyone.

After a few moments of holding each other I pull away from him and realize that I'm still in front of all our guests.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it," I say to everyone and they laugh a little.

Chris reaches for my hand as he stands up from the chair and we walk back over to the flower archway to where the Officiant was smiling at us and making a few small jokes as everyone chuckles.

"Alright... Chris, Andrea, take each other hands and you may say your vows..."

Chris looks into my eyes and takes my hand, looking down for a moment and then back up at me. I could feel him shaking a little as he held my hand.

"Andrea, I swear to you, that I will dedicate my life to you from this day forward, to filling our days with beauty and laughter. I will celebrate your spirit and all of your accomplishments, work to inspire you and be here to remind you of your beauty and strength. I take you today as my partner, my confidant, my other half and the mother of my child. I will love you for the rest of my life,"

Fuck why can't I stop crying ?

"Chris, I swear to you, that I will dedicate my life to you from this day forward, to filling our days with beauty and laughter. I will celebrate your spirit and all of your accomplishments, work to inspire you and be here to remind you of your beauty and strength. I take you today as my partner, my confidant, my other half and the father of my child. I will love you for the rest of my life," I say so shakily and nervously as Chris smiles at me

"Christopher John Cornell, do you take Andrea to be your wife from this day forward, forsaking all others?"

"I do," Chris says, his voice breaking, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Andrea Marie O'Riden Cornell, do you take Chris to be your husband from this day forward, forsaking all others?"

"I do," I say as my voice breaks a little, my heart pounding.

"Chris and Andrea have chosen these rings to represent the unbreakable circle of life and love. please place them on each other's left ring finger and repeat after me..."

Peter leans in and hands Chris the wedding band that he has chosen for me and Maggie leans in to me handing me the wedding band that I have chosen for Chris.

"I give you this ring as a reminder of this day, in front of our closest loved ones, we vowed that our love can over come all things, that our love unites, inspires and celebrates and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives..."

As Chris and I exchange our rings, Vada decides she needed to be heard and started to babble so cutely as a few people laughed at her cuteness.

"Chris, Andrea... it is with great joy that I send you out into the world to spread the beautiful light that you share with those around you. By the power vested in me and by the state of California I now pronounce you... Husband and Wife... for the second time..." He says happily as some laughter emerges from our guests.

"Chris you may now kiss your bride," He smiles

Chris and I giggle a little awkwardly but then Chris leans in, touches his forehead to mine for a moment and I swear I thought I was going to burst. Time seemed to stand still as Chris then pressed his lips to mine and all our friends and family cheered and applauded.

"Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, I now introduce to you Mr. and Mrs Christopher Cornell" The Officiant says proudly as Chris and I break away from each other, everyone still applauding and cheering as we make our way back down the isle, the music and laughter filling the air.


	35. To Be Yourself Is All That You Can Do

Los Angeles California, November 26 2004

"Alright Chris, thank you so much for allowing me to do this interview with you," Alison Kovac from Metal Edge magazine says once she presses the button on her tape recorder.

"You're welcome,"

"We just have a few questions to ask you so um... the new Audioslave record that you're currently working on. You've said that it's quite different from your debut so would you say it's more of a representation of the band now, or are you just trying to re-invent yourselves?"

"Uh, well... with our first record, we were a new band y'know so everyone is going to compare that first effort to the previous bands that we were all in before... like 'oh it's just the guy from Soundgarden with Rage Against The Machine' which is what a lot of people compared us to. I wouldn't say we're trying to re-invent ourselves, I mean it's still me just a lot has changed between the recording of that first record and now so... it is different in the sense that I think we've definitely come into our own as a band, it definitely feels more like an Audioslave record,"

"Would you say it's more of a mainstream sounding record?" Alison asks and moves the recorder closer to Chris.

"Um, well no... I mean it's hard rock influenced yes... and we all still take inspiration from those bands in the 70's like Aerosmith, Sabbath, Zeppelin y'know... but I wouldn't say it's a mainstream sound... but then again people are going to call it whatever they want... trying to put us into a specific box but... I'd like to think it just sounds like us," Chris chuckles.

"Now, you've released the single from the new record 'Be Yourself' which is the video you're shooting today here and seems to be a lot more positive than what you would normally write or release... was there any contributing factor that made you have a different outlook?" Alison asks.

"Uh, no, there wasn't like one specific thing just... the birth of my daughter, getting sober... different events y'know. The 'Be Yourself' part came from a lot of things that I've gone through in my life and a lot of different changes and all the different tragedies and all the horrendously stupid mistakes I've made in my personal life, and wanting to be able to make up for those things and wanting to be able to not be ashamed, all that stuff. That's the one thing about getting older that's better, and this song kinda says it so simply, to a degree that 10 years ago I would've been embarrassed to put it in a song 'cause it is so simple. But there it is."

"Alright... and your wife, Andrea, she's still just as much a part of the business right?" Alison glances over at me for a moment then back to Chris.

"Of course. She's uh... one tough cookie you could say. She put's up with a lot and I don't know where I'd be without her. I don't know how she does it sometimes but she's amazing," Chris beams glancing over at me while lean over Vada to adjust her black cargo pants and her little Metallica band t-shirt, my dark curls falling down around us and Vada reaches up to play with some of my curls twirling them around her fingers.

"Ok, peanut, you're all set," I say and pat her on her cute little butt and she laughs.

"Daddy? Will-will you come play with me?" Vada asks in her cutest little voice as she runs away from me and runs up to him, her dark little curls bouncing, holding out her little stuffed grey and white baby bunny that is permanently attached to her at all times.

"Oh peanut, I can't right now, I thought you were playing with Xavier," Chris kneels down to her pulling her close as she still holds out her bunny.

"No Zay went with his mommy... I want you to play," She says in her tiny voice, her big blue eyes looking up at Chris.

"Awe... is this little Vada? Hi Vada," Alison kneels down and smiles at her sweetly

"Hi," Vada says shyly as Chris and Alison chuckle.

"I like your little bunny," Alison says.

"Thank you, his name is Tony," She says as Chris smiles at her.

"Well nice to meet you Tony,"

"He doesn't like carrots though," She says.

"Oh, no? What does he like?" Alison says.

"Pssgettii," She giggles.

"Pssgettii... oh spaghetti, ok," Alison chuckles and Vada laughs.

"Ok, peanut, go see mommy and once I'm done here we'll play ok?" Chris chuckles sweetly as he rubs her little belly making her laugh.

"Ok, daddy," She giggles and Chris places a huge kiss on her little chubby cheek and she squeals in laughter which makes me laugh. She then pulls away from him and runs back over to me.

"My god she's adorable," Alison says as they stand back up.

"Yep, she's my little peanut," Chris smiles.

"How old is she?"

"She just turned 4 in October," Chris grins, his eyes instantly lighting up when he talks about Vada.

"Is it hard juggling family and touring? I mean since Andrea is still managing the band right?" Alison asks.

"Yea, like I said... Andi's amazing at what she does, for me, the band and my daughter. It's not as hard as you would think, I mean... we are trying to figure out schooling for Vada and stuff since she should be starting Kindergarten soon but we're thinking we might have a tutor with us when we've got to go on the road and do press and stuff. I know Andi wants her to go to a normal school and try and have a normal school life which I think is a great idea too, but we'll see," Chris says as he glances over at Vada and I as she stands with me at the buffet table while I make her a little sandwich.

"I know you've written songs for your wife, so does that same sort of inspiration happen with your daughter as well?"

"Of course, I mean I take inspiration from all sorts of things but definitely lots of songs and ideas are inspired my daughter,"

"Did she inspire the song 'Dandelion' on the new record?" Alison asks.

"Uh huh... It's an amazing thing to see just how differently the world is seen by her. As we grow up and realize what the world is really like, we tend to forget just how at one time we all had this innocent way of seeing things,"


	36. Dandelion

Ojai California, December 8 2004

Andi

It was a warm sunny day here in Ojai California, and I had just finished making breakfast for Vada. She sits in a chair at the kitchen table and slowly but eagerly scoops the scrambled eggs into her mouth and hums a little tune as she does so. I can't believe how fast she's growing. I swear it feels like just yesterday she was still using a high chair. She takes her fork and gently maneuvers more of the scrambled eggs that I made her into her mouth and starts to do a little dance in her chair as she chews, her dark curls bouncing around her. She is so adorable, especially when she does that.

"Mommy?"

"Yes peanut?" I say as I stand at the kitchen counter, making myself a coffee.

"Is Daddy in his studio?" She asks with her mouth full of eggs.

"Uh, huh, but don't talk with your mouth full, you know that," I say when I turn around as Vada looks up at me with those blue eyes, closing her mouth to chew and I realize that my own mother's voice just came out of me.

"Can I go now?" she asks when she swallows.

"Yea, you can go... here, have a sip of juice first though," I giggle as I set my coffee down on the counter, pushing my curls out of my eyes and step over to Vada. I move her cup towards her and she takes it from me taking a long sip while I take her plate and set it in the sink. She sets her cup down on the table and slides herself off the chair and takes off running to the hallway and down towards the studio.

"Vada, do you need - ok, I guess not," I say when I turn around to ask her if she wanted more juice but trail off as she is no longer in my sight. I sigh and flip my curls out of my face, taking her empty cup of juice and setting it in the sink. I swear she would live in that studio with Chris if she could.

Chris

"...I killed myself, threw away my mental health...but nobody way blinking and eye...backyard, basement, falling on the pavement...nothing left to say but goodbye..."

With the last chord that I strum, my Marten acoustic resting on my lap, I suddenly hear little footsteps bounding down the hallway. I turn in my swivel chair and see my little peanut with a big smile across those little chubby cheeks, her little curls bouncing as she runs towards me. She looks more and more like her mother everyday.

"Daddy," She giggles and my heart warms at the sound of her little voice.

"Hi peanut," I smile as she stands at the door to the studio in her little pink cargo pants and her white t-shirt with a picture of Belle from Beauty And The Beast on the front.

"Well are you coming in here or what?" I chuckle and she giggles and walks over to me, and stands in between my legs, her little hands holding onto my knees.

"What are you doing daddy?" She asks with her big blue eyes looking up at me and her dark curls framing her face.

"I am working on a song," I say, plucking a few strings.

"A song?"

"Uh huh,"

"What kind of song?" She asks in her sweet little voice.

"Oh, I don't know if it's a song you would like... but -"

"Can you play the 'I love you song'?" She says excitedly and for a moment I wasn't sure which song she meant.

"The 'I love you song'? Which 'I love you' song?" I ask, still plucking some strings.

"The one where, there's a princess in a castle with a king and queen..." She trails off trying to think as her blue eyes look down at my hands plucking the strings.

"Oh, that 'I love you' song.. ok, but you gotta sing it with me ok," I say realizing which one she was talking about.

"Ok," She says looking back up at me with a big smile on her face. I start to pluck a few chords and her blue eyes light up.

"In a castle down a long road  
A little girl was born  
To a king and to a queen and  
Her mother's eyes welled up with tears of joy  
Staring at the tiny face  
Of a miracle she made  
She would say I love you  
She would say I love you"

Vada giggles as I sing to her, moving to the rhythm which makes me giggle in between my words.

"Summer came and went  
Autumn rolling in  
Trees all stripped to bone  
Daddy's little girl in his arms, well  
They sit upon his throne  
Who is that thief hiding in the dark?  
Just a little girl who stole his heart"

"Ok, now you sing... What's the next part peanut?" I tell her as I chuckle watching her but she hesitates for a moment as I stop strumming.

"Um..." She trails off trying to think of the next line and I start strumming again slowly as she thinks.

"And he..." I start and she suddenly remembers.

"He... would say I love you.. He would say I love you... He would say I love you..." Vada sings in her little voice and I swear it is the most amazing sound I've ever heard. She has sang with me before of course but for some reason this time, it's different. I can hear her learning how to sing and how her little voice is catching the right pitch and notes.

"Yay, Vada... that was beautiful," I say trying to hold my emotions in but I couldn't help it as I cup her little cheeks in my palms and place a big kiss on her forehead, then another one, and another kiss on her cheek making her laugh.

"You two having fun in here?"

I glance up and see Andi leaning against the door frame, looking incredibly gorgeous with her curls all around her, in her ripped jeans and the Aerosmith t-shirt from when we first met. Yes I still remember writing inside that t-shirt all those years ago.

"Hi babe," I say and Vada giggles as she runs over to her mother and hugs her leg.

"I uh, didn't mean to interrupt," Andi giggles, brushing Vada's curls as she clings to her.

"No, you didn't interrupt baby," I say as I set my guitar down on it's stand.

"Mommy?"

"Yes Vada?" Andi says sweetly as she looks down at her still playing with her curls as Vada clings to her leg.

"Ummm, I have to pee," Vada says and immediately lets go of her leg and runs down the hallway disappearing around the corner to the bathroom. Andi giggles and shakes her head at Vada's weirdness, which obviously she gets from both of us.

"What did I come in here for? Oh, yea... um you almost ready to head out? Your mom just called and said she was on her way from the hotel," Andi asks as she walks over to me and stands in between my legs. I move my hands to her hips and lean my head against her stomach as I feel her fingers lace through my hair.

"Almost.... mmmm... that feels good," I exhale as she plays with my short spiky messy locks, running her fingers through.

We booked a flight to Columbus Ohio as we were invited to see Dime and Vinny's new band Damage Plan so my mom is coming over to take care of Vada while we are gone for the weekend. After the break up of Pantera a few years ago, Andi had run into Dime at a club here in Ojai when she was booking dates for Audioslave. Apparently they started reminiscing of when she used to P.A for them back in '94 and they started talking again, becoming close friends. Andi was so excited to hang out with Dime again and catch up on old times. I think it's pretty fucking cool how she was such a fan of Pantera - well still is - and is now able to actually call them friends. Dime is a really cool guy and I was even shocked to know that he had wanted me to sing for Damage Plan, but then realized that I still had Audioslave so he never went through with asking me. I told him if he ever wanted to make music together, I'm all for it. Name a time and place and we'll do it. Dime is an absolutely amazing guitarist and I would love to work with him.

"Alright babe, let's get ready ..." I say as I lift my head from her stomach and pat her on her butt. Andi lets out a cute little laugh and leans down to me placing a kiss on my lips, her curls falling down around us. I find myself pulling her back into me as she presses her beautiful body against mine, losing myself in the feeling of those soft lips of hers as she starts to suck on my bottom lip. Just as I was about to respond, wanting nothing more than to take her right here in my studio, I hear a little laugh coming from the doorway. Andi and I quickly pull away from each other to see Vada hiding behind the half open door.

"What are you doing?" I say in a growly voice making Vada laugh even more.

"You spying on mommy and me?" I say in that same growly voice and Vada squeals in laughter running away down the hallway, making Andi laugh that same laugh and I swear I couldn't love her more than I do at this very moment.

Andi

"No mommy, no, don't go!" Vada cries, reaching out to me as Karen holds her on her hip.

"It's ok, peanut, we'll be back on Monday, you have Nana here to play with you," I say as Chris takes our bags to the black '69 Dodge Charger, Vada leaning out and wrapping her little arms around my neck hanging on to me for dear life.

"Noooo" She whines wrapping herself around me and I suddenly feel my heart breaking. No matter how many times Vada does this I never get any stronger leaving her.

"Vada, honey... don't you wanna have fun with Nana? You can show me all your toys?" Karen tries to console her but she shakes her head 'no' burying her head in my shoulder.

"I wanna go with you," She whines into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry peanut, you can't but I promise you can come with me and daddy next time ok?" I say as I rub her back, trying not to sound saddened at the fact that my little girl doesn't want me to go.

"Noooo," She whines in my shoulder.

"Vada, you're a big girl right?" Chris says as he appears behind me stroking her curls as she keeps her face buried in my shoulder but nods.

"Ok, if you're a big girl, then you'll have to let mommy and me go, and we promise we'll take you with us next time ok peanut?" Chris says firmly but sweetly as she lifts her head from my shoulder and nods.

"Promise?" She says rubbing her eye.

"Promise," Chris says sweetly placing a kiss on her forehead.

"Ok," She says softly and I help her down off me. She steps over to Chris and he kneels down giving her a big hug and a loud kiss on her chubby little cheek making her laugh, then she finally pulls away and takes off running somewhere in the house.

"She'll be fine," Karen says as she sees me already missing her and I haven't even left yet.

"I know... It's just ugh... I hate that feeling, anyways ok. Um... emergency numbers are on the fridge and the number to the hotel is there too, just in case," I say as Karen pulls me in for a hug.

"Don't worry... go have fun," Karen says and pats me on my back then lets me go.

"Bye mom, thank you again," Chris says leaning in for a hug.

"Of course... now get the hell outta here ok?" Karen says and Chris chuckles and we make our way to the car, heading to the airport.

Los Angeles International Airport

As soon as we arrive in L.A, it's like the weather completely shifted. It went from a completely warm and beautiful sunny day to dark and gloomy with massive storm clouds rolling in.

"Baby, I don't know if we're going to make it to see Damage Plan tonight," Chris says leaning forward in the drivers seat, looking out the windshield and up at the dark clouds that loomed above.

"We'll be fine, it's only noon. Our flight doesn't leave until 1:00pm. It's only like a 4 hour flight so if we have to switch to a later one, we can," I say as I reach in my bag to get out the plane tickets.

Chris continues to drive us down the main streets of L.A, finally arriving at the airport a short time later. We pay for weekend parking and place the ticket inside on the dashboard and make our way inside the airport terminal with our 2 luggage bags in tow.

"You know what I appreciate about you baby?" Chris says sweetly taking my hand, lacing his fingers though mine as we walk through the airport terminal.

"What's that?" I ask looking up at him, admiring those luscious lips that I want to kiss so badly.

"The fact that you don't carry multiple luggage bags when we're only going away for a weekend, which makes it so much easier to board a plane," Chris says and glances down at me.

"Is that what you appreciate about me?" I smirk and Chris chuckles, leaning down and placing a kiss on my temple.

A short while later, we make our way through customs without any issues at all and grab a seat at our terminal number as we are still a bit early. Once it was time to board the plane, the service announcer still hadn't mentioned anything about it being ready to board yet.

"I'm just going to go and see what's going on ok?" I say to Chris as it was now 1:30pm and our flight was supposed to leave at 1:00pm. Chris nods and continues looking through a magazine while I make my way up to the service desk.

"... ok, it was L.A to Columbus Ohio?" The clerk asks as he pulls up my plane ticket number.

"Yea," I say as I flip my curls out of my face. He types on the keyboard for a few minutes and then looks down at my ticket.

"Looks like that flight has been cancelled due to weather... um... let me see if I can find another flight for you," He says and looks back at his computer screen.

"Ok, thank you," I exhale. I glance back at Chris as he leans back in the chair, resting his leg across his knee and flipping through a magazine still. He looks so incredibly gorgeous with his hair all spiky and messy, his beard perfectly trimmed, those sideburns that frame his jawline so perfectly and those incredible blue eyes that I lose myself in every time. No matter how much older he gets, he is sexier every single year and I find myself wanting him right in the middle of the airport.

"... I'm sorry, it looks like all flights are cancelled to Columbus due to weather,"

"Shit. And there's no connecting flights either?" I ask.

"No ma'am, I'm sorry," He says with an apologetic look on his face. He hands me back my ticket as I exhale and I make my way back over to Chris.

"Everything ok baby?" Chris asks as he glances up at me from his magazine.

"No, our flight's cancelled because of the storm and they also cancelled all later flights too" I say sadly and frustratedly and sit down in the seat next to him.

"Shit," Chris exhales.

"Yea, shit... I really wanted to go to," I say as I look down at myself.

"I know, me too, but we'll see them again," Chris says.

"Yea I guess so... I just wanted to hang out with Dime again. But um... let's just head back home I guess," I say quietly after a few moments.

"Well... we drove all the way here... Why don't we just stay here in L.A, rent a hotel room tonight and have a weekend just me and you here," Chris says. I glance at him and he brushes a few curls from my face while think about it for a moment.

"My mom's already watching Vada and we already planned a weekend away so... and it's been a while since we've been alone together,"

"Yea, since our honey moon actually," I say.

"Come on, lets go get some lunch first, then grab a hotel suite and have some fun... just me and you," Chris says sweetly as he leans in, brushing my curls off my shoulder, and places his lips to that spot just under my earlobe. I close my eyes and begin to fantasize about him and I in a huge bed, just shutting out the world for just a little while, and I suddenly couldn't wait to get to a hotel room.

"Ok let's go," I say and he pulls away from me and we rise from our seats, grab our luggage and head out of the airport.


	37. Cold Blooded

Los Angeles California, December 9 2004

"Baby...? You ok?"

Chris sits down beside me on the bed in our hotel room as I lace up my Doc Martens, his fingers reaching up and brushing away a few curls from my face. The overwhelming feeling of heartbreak continues to rip through my body and all I want is just to stay here but I know I have to go home and be with my baby girl.

"No, no I'm not ok" I exhale shakily as I lower my leg and keep my gaze to the floor.

"We should get going though," Chris says quietly after a few moments as he plays with a few of my curls. I flick my eyes up to look up into his beautiful comforting blue eyes and I just want to cry all over again.

"I was just talking to him... I was just talking to him and Rita... everything was normal, everything was fine," I start as my voice becomes shaky again while adjusting my plain black hoodie, pulling the sleeves down over my hands.

" I know baby,"

"He was so excited about the show too... I mean I felt bad that we couldn't make it and he completely understood that we couldn't make it... but I was just talking to him like... just a few hours before..." I start to cry looking down at my hands as Chris brushes my curls off my shoulder.

"I know," Chris says sadly.

"I feel bad that we couldn't make it, but what if we did make it? What if we did go and we were there when it happened? And I feel so horrible saying that because, we could've been hurt, we could've been killed,"

"I know..." Chris says quietly.

"It's not fucking fair... like why? What did he do to deserve that, or for anyone else that was hurt and ... killed, just... of everyone in the god damn fucking world, why?" Tears start to fall down my cheeks again as I look at Chris, his eyes welling up as well with his brow furrowing.

"I don't know baby.... I... I don't know," Chris says sadly and I close my eyes, as he pulls me into him to hold me as I softly cry on his shoulder.

Arlington Texas, December 14 2004

"Where to?" The cab driver asks once Chris and I enter the back seat.

"Arlington Convention Center," Chris says adjusting his black leather jacket once his seat belt is buckled. I glance over at him and he takes my hand and places a kiss on the back of my hand, his lips feeling so soft, gentle and comforting. It was a cool sunny day, completely beautiful with clear skies and I swear it seemed out of place given the fact that we were going to a funeral. Rita had invited us to the burial but I wasn't sure I was able to handle it. I'm honestly not even sure I can handle going to the memorial but as much as it hurts me, Rita must feel a trillion times worse.

"You ok babe?" Chris asks sweetly, his blue eyes looking into mine. He looks so incredibly handsome wearing a black button up shirt and black pants, his hair done in that spiky curly messy way with his small silver hoop earrings and his beard perfectly trimmed though this time he actually shaved off the moustache part and it makes him look so young.

"Yes and no..." I say nervously and he places another kiss on the back of my hand.

"Yea, me too," He says. I glance down at myself, smoothing out the hem of my plain black mini sleeveless dress, hoping it wasn't too short, but I'm pretty sure no one's going to mind. I fix the collar of my leather jacket and glance down at my plain black heels, feeling fidgety but only because I'm so nervous.

"I haven't felt this way since Layne passed away," I say quietly.

"Yea..." Chris trails off and I suddenly felt bad for saying that. I wasn't intending on bringing up those feelings for him at all but, it's the only thing I can compare it to, other than Andy and we don't ever talk about Andy. My mother is a whole other pain that I can't even describe and for the most part I'm passed it but I do still miss her everyday, especially when I look at Vada. My god does she ever look like my mom sometimes.

A short while later we arrive at the convention center and as we walk up to the main doors, there were tons of fans surrounding the outside as well as the inside all mourning the loss of Dime.

As Chris held my hand, we walk through the doors and I could just feel the heaviness in the auditorium emitting from the entryway. A couple of doormen take our names and check the list, then allow us to walk through directing us to where we could sit which was closer to the front of the massive stage that held multiple bouquets of beautiful flowers and arrangements that were in the shape of some Crown Royal bottles, in honor of Dime's signature drink- black tooth Grin.

Man, there were so many times where he got me to drink so many of those with him. He always said Rita and I would make good drinking partners in crime since I seemed to be one of the only chicks who could keep up with him. I don't know how Dime fucking did it, but he could be so fucking hung over the next day but as soon as it was show time and he hit that groove, he was in it. I only met Rita a few times and each time she was so nice, a metal chick just like me in which we bonded over Black Sabbath, though she is way more of a Kiss fan... me not so much but I get where she was coming from. 

We head to the seats down in front that were labeled with our names, placed beside Jerry Cantrell and Mike Inez that were still empty. While I make my way to our seats I glance up and see a couple of rows back someone who I haven't seen or even thought about in a very long time. Someone that suddenly made my heart feel like it was about drop out on the floor.

Kenny Hickey


	38. Last Walk In The Light

Arlington Convention Center Arlington Texas, December 14 2004

"I swear to fuck I will never love anyone as much as I love you"

"Kenny - "

"Andrea I... I want you to marry me,"

"What?"

"I want you to marry me,"

"Baby? Did you hear me?" Chris chuckles.

"Huh, what?" I say as he breaks me out of my reverie and I glance up at him.

"I said we should probably take a seat so other people can get by," Chris chuckles as he places his hand on my lower back.

"Oh yea... sorry," I giggle nervously and quickly glance to see Kenny looking down at the order of service pamphlet that explains the proceedings as a woman that sits beside him leans into whisper in his ear. I see him smirk for a moment and he leans into her to whisper something in her ear she smiles. He then places a kiss on her temple and my heart suddenly started to pound as he glances forward, his eyes somehow connecting with mine. Like a bolt of lightning that struck me through my chest, I quickly look away, flipping my curls out of my face and take my seat next to Chris.

As more people began to pile in their seats, Jerry sitting beside Chris and Mike on the opposite side of him, there were so many other friends and family here all to celebrate his life and mourn the loss of such an incredible human being that did not deserve his life to be taken in such a horrific and violent way.

*****

"I'm here for the same reason as everyone else, to give some love back," Eddie Van Halen says into the microphone at the front of the stage while different flashes of camera lights emit from the back of the room. He pours himself a shot of Crown Royal and downs it, then continues.

"This guy was full of life. He lived and breathed rock and roll." Eddie says as he holds up his cell phone to the microphone and plays the last message that Dime had left him and suddenly tears started to well up in my eyes again.

"I just wanted to give you a fuckin' call to tell you thank you so fuckin' much, man, for the most awesome, uplifting, euphoric, spiritual rock and roll extravaganza ever,"

The sound of Dimes voice muffled but booming through the microphone practically had giggling but full of tears as I hear other people around me softly crying. Chris squeezes my hand, glancing down at me as I attempt to wipe away my tears, trying not to mess up my make - up. Damn, I picked a bad day to wear a black smoky eye.

"Let us remember his happiness. He never lost sight of where he came from. He started as a fan, and he was always a fan. Here's to you Dime," Eddie says holding up another shot and downing it as everyone cheered. Then Zakk Wylde comes up onto the stage, hugging Eddie for a few moments as everyone applauses and then he steps up to the microphone.

"Look I'm not good at these things so I'm gonna keep it short. He was my best friend. He was the best fucking human being that I knew and I know that he's up there right now just fuckin' tearin' it up in rock and roll heaven. A whole part of my life is gone... but I know he'd fuckin' hate that I'm crying over him so.... Getcha Fuckin Pull!" Zakk says completely red-eyed and teary as he holds up a shot glass raising it to the sky and everyone cheers again and he downs it.

I could hardly keep it together knowing just how much he was loved by everyone once Vinny stepped out on stage and gave his eulogy. I can't even imagine what it was like for Vinny to see Dime killed right in front of him. It's hard for me to even fathom that someone could just walk right up onstage and shoot anyone for no reason at all. He was just doing what he loved and he went down doing exactly what he was meant to do. 

*****

Once the speeches had taken place it was time for everyone to come together and hang out, reminisce and celebrate Dime's life. Everyone pretty much gathered around in the convention center area next to the auditorium where there were insane amount of catering tables filled with every kind of food you could think of.

Chris and I make our way to the bar, and he orders just a Diet Coke while I order a Crown and Coke. It's been a while since I've drank that the first sip that I took surprised me a little. I never really indulged in too much drinking after Chris got sober, only because I was afraid that it would make him feel weird, but he is totally fine with me drinking and he is able to be around it. Once we have our drinks, there were some many people coming up to Chris and talking with him for a few moments, and it seemed like Jerry was all for hanging out with Chris for a little while since the last time that they spoke was when Layne had passed away.

"It's really good to see you man," Jerry says as he embraces Chris in a hug.

"You too, man, you too," Chris says and they pull away from each other.

"Nothing like a funeral to bring people together huh?" Jerry says to Chris.

"Yea really," Chris says taking a sip of his Diet Coke.

"How's your little one? She must be getting big now huh?" Jerry asks taking a sip of his beer.

"Yea, she's doing really good and yea, she's growing so fast. Soon I wont be able to call her my little peanut anymore," Chris smiles and Jerry chuckles.

They continue to chat for a little while as I stand with them sipping on my Crown and Coke. After a little while I glance over towards the doors and see Kenny walk through the girl that he was sitting with during the ceremony. He looked exactly the same, like he never aged. The only thing different is now he had a beard much like Chris used to have that was perfectly trimmed with his curls still gorgeously jet black and down passed his shoulders. He wore his usual leather jacket and a black button up shirt with dark blue ripped jeans and a pair of Doc Martens. Such a change from when he used to wear those biker boots, but damn he looks really good. His eyes suddenly flick to catch mine and once again, that same lightning bolt feeling shoots through me.

I look away and back up at Chris though Chris and Jerry are swept away in conversation with each other and for some reason I'm feeling heartbroken and sad all over again.

As the night continues on, now that I'm on my third drink, I'm feeling buzzed and need to grab a little food from one of the many catering tables. While Chris and Jerry continue to catch up I excuse myself and ask Chris if he would like anything. He declines and so I make my way over to a table and try to decide just what to pick to eat.

"It's like they decided to throw all the food in Texas together in one room,"

A voice that was incredibly familiar that I hadn't heard in such a long time, raspy and deep with that same adorable Brooklyn accent. I glance up and see Kenny with a small smile and his dark eyes standing beside me.

"Yea... there's so much here I don't even know what to pick," I say as I look back at the table trying to keep myself together.

"I'd say start from the left and make your way to the right," Kenny jokes as he gestures along the length of the table with his hand which makes me giggle as I glance back up at him. He then glances back at me and his dark eyes catch mine once more.

"How are you Andi?" He says sweetly after a few moments and I look away towards the mounds of food on the table.

"I'm good... hungry and maybe just a little buzzed but I'm good," I say as I glance back at him and he chuckles.

"How about you?" I add as I push my curls out of my eyes.

"Ah, can't complain... I pretty much do that all the time anyways," He says making me giggle again.

"There's so many people here... I had no idea that practically everyone would be here," I say as I turn to look towards the crowd of people surrounding us.

"Oh come on, really? This is Dime were talking about here... he was fuckin' loved by all of us you know that," Kenny says and I smile.

"Yea," I say realizing that was so true.

"Remember when he uh, pulled me and you out of our bunk on the bus waking us up in the fuckin' crack ass of like 2:00am or somethin' and was like 'C'mon what the fuck are you two doin'? Drink this shit with me'" Kenny says imitating Dime's deep voice making me laugh.

"Oh god yea, and we fell out on the floor of the bus and there I was in just my underwear on top of you cause he like, dragged you out by your leg and we were still half sleeping," I giggle.

"And he was laughing his ass off thinkin' he interrupted somethin' when we were just tryin' to get some sleep," Kenny chuckles.

"Well I was fine sleeping in my bunk, you were the one who kept crawling in with me cause you couldn't sleep," I say.

"What? Well... I couldn't help it, you.. you um..." Kenny cuts himself off, looking down, his eyebrows pulled together, and my smile slowly fades.

"So um... I heard your managing Audioslave," Kenny says clearing his throat but still not looking up at me.

"Yea, for a couple of years now," I say and he glances at me and we just look at each other for a few moments.

"I uh, heard you started a band with Johnny?" I ask sweetly trying to keep it light though for some reason I feel like I'm dying inside.

"Yea, it's just something to do y'know... in between Type O. We don't have anything set for like a serious thing yet but..." Kenny smiles trailing off.

"How's your little girl? What's her name again?" Kenny asks.

"Vada. Um... yea she's quite the handful sometimes. And sometimes it freaks me out so much that she's just like me, but she's so smart and, oh my god she's just my everything," I start to gush and Kenny chuckles. Every time someone asks me about Vada I can't help but gush to them about her.

"Yea, Megan is pretty much like that too, I mean... she's got her Daddy's attitude that's for sure," Kenny chuckles and I giggle.

"How old is she?" I ask.

" She's 7... She'll be 8 in January," He says.

"She's 8... holy, she's like almost a woman," I joke.

"Hey now, not yet... she's still my little ju ju bee, Aliyah on the other hand..." He trails off and I giggle.

"Aliyah's the youngest right?" I ask.

"Yea, she's only 2 and a half but she's a handful," He chuckles. We then stand with each other in silence again for a few moments.

"You... you look gorgeous Andi, you really do," He says, his dark eyes flicking to mine and I couldn't help but find myself wishing that I could go back in time and just -

"What this old thing?" I joke glancing down at myself and then looking back up at him, pushing a few curls out of my eyes but he didn't laugh.

"You look really good too Kenny," I say after a few moments.

"Nah, it's just the trick of the light, if you turn on the overheads you'd be like 'OH MY GOD What is this thing standing next to me'?!" He exclaims with his voice raspy and I laugh but I could tell he was just trying to deflect the moment.

"Hey babe, I thought I lost you there," Chris says as he somehow appears beside me, his hand brushing across the small of my back. Apparently I was caught up with Kenny making me laugh that I didn't even notice him walking up to me.

"Hey... um, Kenny this is - "

"Chris Cornell, wow man it's uh, good to finally meet you," Kenny smiles sweetly as he holds out his hand for Chris to shake.

"Thanks, it's great to meet you too," Chris smiles sweetly as he shakes his hand and I could feel my stomach doing flip flops.

Please don't get awkward, please, please don't get awkward

"I uh, remember catching you guys... well when you were in Soundgarden, like years ago now in New York and man you put on a great show," Kenny says.

"Thank you. Yea, I always meant to catch you guys as well but, it never really panned out," Chris says. Suddenly, the girl that Kenny was sitting with earlier finally walks up to us and reaches for Kenny's hand. Kenny turns to her and greets her she smiles sweetly. She's tall and blonde with green eyes and not at all who I pictured him with but she is really pretty nonetheless.

"Um, this is my wife Bonnie," Kenny introduces us and once again for no fucking reason, I feel that lightning bolt shoot straight through my heart again. She smiles sweetly and everyone continues on with their small talk. I become quiet as Kenny and Chris talk a little more, Bonnie seemingly becoming uninterested and bored as she stands with Kenny and doesn't so much as look at me, which whatever, I could really care less.

"Well we should probably make our rounds, and say hi to Rita and Vinny," Kenny says after a while of conversation with Chris. Kenny glances at me and I see that same look that he used to give me all the time, comforting and sweet but with a little sadness this time.

"Andi," Kenny says after a couple of moments with that damn look in those dark eyes of his again and I want to crumble into a million pieces. I don't know what even possessed me to do this but I move closer and wrap my arms around Kenny in a hug and I could feel his arms wrap around me.

"He loved you, you know that right?" I say slightly muffled as I feel myself well up with tears as I try to deflect the fact what I really mean is that I really loved him all those years ago.

"I know, and he fuckin' loved you too," Kenny says and I could hear his voice break for a moment.

"As in he loved to tease me," I giggle as I pull away from him wiping my eye and Kenny chuckles.

"He fuckin' teased all of us c'mon," Kenny laughs.

"Yea," I giggle.

"It was good to finally meet you Chris," Kenny says.

"Yea, it was really good to meet you too, maybe we can hang out sometime or whatever," Chris says sweetly.

"Sounds good to me," Kenny smiles and they shake hands. After we all finally say our goodbyes to each other, Chris turns to me and brushes some curls out of my eyes.

"You alright?' He asks me.

"Yea, it's just been... such an emotional day. How about you? That was probably weird for you," I say still wiping my eyes, trying not to disturb my make-up.

"No not really, It was good to meet him. He's a pretty cool guy," Chris says which kind of surprised me in a way, but it was so many years ago when everything happened that I guess it just doesn't bother Chris anymore, which I'm so thankful for.

"Chris,"

"Yes baby?" He says as I look up at him.

"I love you so much you know that?" I say, my eyes gleaming with so much love for him.

"Yea, I know," He smirks that cute smirk he always does and leans down and places his beautiful lips to mine.

"Ok so... how about some food cause I'm starving," Chris says.

"Yea me too,"


	39. A Thousand Days Before

Seattle Washington, November 22 2009

"Vada? Are you ready peanut?"

"Yea mom, I'm... I'm ready,"

I stand at the end of the hallway to our 4 bedroom home, adjusting my leather jacket, un-tucking my long dark curls from underneath. Vada appears from her bedroom, her long dark curls that match mine so perfectly, pulled up into a ponytail that sways as she walks towards me zipping up her backpack. She looks completely adorable in her Metallica t-shirt, and her army green cargo pants with her very own Doc Martens. 

A lot has changed in 5 years so I guess I should bring you all up to speed. It's hard to believe that my little peanut is not so little anymore. She is the exact perfect combination of Chris and I. She is so cute and shy but so incredibly smart. She is definitely more like me personality wise with of course my metal influence on her but she has inherited Chris's singing chops which is just the most amazing thing to hear. Her beautiful voice matches his perfectly and for only being 9 years old, you can hear the bluesy soulfulness when she sings. 

In 2007, when Audioslave broke up - don't worry we will get to that in a bit - Chris and I had decided to make a change. We sold our house in Ojai and moved back home to Seattle settling back in our 2 story 4 bedroom home that we bought all those years ago. We converted one of the bedrooms into an office for me so that I'm able to work out of home instead of having to travel back and forth from the downtown.

Chris had put out a second solo record - Carry On -in the midst of Audioslave's break up but it didn't exactly fare too well. I thought the album was great. He did also write the theme to the latest James Bond film in which he did earn another Grammy nomination. After his solo tour, which was only just a few weeks long, he decided it was time to take a break for a while. He wanted to focus on me and Vada for a while and just enjoy being a husband and a father. 

I love having Chris home. It was a little strange at first, given the fact that we were all so used to travelling, and I was so used to having Karen watch Vada while we were away. I hated the fact that I had to leave her so much and even though we were able to bring Vada along sometimes, I really wanted her to be able to go to a normal school, and have normal friends, like a little girl should. 

Needless to say I am not really managing Chris at the moment, so I've been looking for some other bands that I could possibly take on, in order to help bring in some financial support for us. Chris constantly tells me that I don't have to work and that there's obviously enough money to support us, but I can't help it. I need to work. As much as I love just being a wife and and a mother - especially to my peanut - I need to be able to have something that I can do, that I love to do and that's being in the music business. 

"Ok, have you got all your books?" I ask as she stops in front of me, looking at me with those big blue eyes.

"Yes mom," She sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Hey now, don't roll those eyes at me, I'm only asking because you forgot them last time," I say a little sternly and she turns away from me, heading down the stairs, her curls bouncing as she takes each step. 

"Vada Elizabeth..." I call her as I walk down the stairs after her.

"Yes mom, I have them... now can we just go? I'm gonna be late,"

Jeezus for 9 years old, she's already giving me attitude.

"Yes we can go, the car is unlocked already I'm just gonna let dad know we're leaving ok?" I say as she slips on her jacket and I help her with her backpack. She nods and heads out the door and I turn and make my way towards the studio downstairs.

****

I make my way down the stairs to Chris's studio and see him sitting in his usual spot in front of the mixing board, his silver burst Gibson standard across his lap, while he adjusts some of the controls on the board. His curls now grown out, resting just above his shoulders wearing a white long sleeve shirt with a few buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up to his forearms with his black suede wrist cuffs. His ripped jeans, now a little tighter and form fitting than he usually wears. He hears me walking down the stairs and glances in my direction, his gorgeous blue eyes lighting up with that cute little coy smile he always gives me.

"Hi baby," He says sweetly, setting the guitar down on its stand.

"Hey... I'm uh just going to drop Vada off at school, do you need anything while I'm out?" I ask while I search the pockets of my leather jacket.

"No babe I'm good," He says.

"Where the hell is my phone?" I say to myself and he looks around the desk for me, shifting some papers and then finally finding it under some lyric sheets. He grabs the Blackberry and moves to hand it to me but just as I reach for it, he pulls it away and pulls me into him.

"Chris?" I giggle and he smiles at me.

"What? Did you think I was actually going to give this to you without getting a kiss first?" He chuckles.

"Chris don't, we're already running late," I giggle as I try to take my phone from him. He continues to hold it just out of my reach and at this point I'm not finding it very funny anymore. Just as i lean to grab it once more, he brushes my curls out of the way and presses his lips to that spot just under my earlobe. I giggle again as he starts to tickle me with his lips and I manage to grab my phone from him and pull away slightly.

"I just wanted to hear that laugh of yours," He says as he touches his forehead to mine. I then bite my bottom lip and press my lips to his. 

"Ok, I'm sorry but I gotta get her to school, I'll be back in no time," I say after I reluctantly pull away from him.

"You better be, I can't exactly make a baby all by myself here," He smirks and I playfully smack his chest as he laughs.

Yes, we are also trying to have another baby. We haven't been trying for that long though, but I have a feeling that it's gonna happen soon. 

"Alright, I'll be back," I giggle and shake my head at him, then give him a quick kiss and he slowly lets go of me, watching me walk away as I flip my curls out of my face and head upstairs to take Vada to school.

*****

"Mom, can I go over to Olivia's after school?" Vada asks as she sets her back pack back down on the car floor in front of her. Olivia is Eddie's daughter and they had grown really close with each other in the years since we moved back to Seattle. Chris and Eddie had always remained as close as they could, given their touring schedules but since we moved back home, Chris and Eddie are practically inseparable. I'm still really good friends with Eddie as well along with his wife Jill, and I'm still just as close to Duff's wife Susan who also has a daughter Gracie, who is in Vada's class. Sometimes I wonder why we even left Seattle in the first place. But I'm glad that we have all found our way back to each other again. 

"Sure peanut," I say as I check the mirror and change lanes. 

"Cool," She smiles to herself and then looks out the passenger window. I glance over at her as she continues to watch everything pass by and I can't help but reach for her little hand, that isn't all that little anymore. She glances down at her hand in mine and then looks up at me. 

"You ok mom?" She says.

"Yea, yea I'm ok," I smile at her and realize I'm getting emotional over nothing. In no time we arrive at her school and I pull up to the curb in front. 

"Have a good day... I'll pick you up at Olivia's around 7:00," I say as she grabs her bag.

"Ok, mom. Love you," She says leaning up to place a quick kiss on my cheek and I turn to place a kiss on top of her head.

"Love you too baby," I smile at her as she climbs out of the passenger side and closes the door. I watch her walk up to the entrance and see her meet up with Olivia and Gracie and once she's inside, I exhale a long breath and make my way down the street to run a few errands before heading back home.

*****

Once I get in the door, I can hear Chris from the kitchen as I set the bags of office supplies that I had to pick up while I was out. I flip my curls out of my face and head in the direction of his voice.

"....yea, we should. No I'm all for it man... I think it's a really good idea... yea... ok... ok sounds good man, talk to you in a bit... "

Chris presses the button on his Blackberry and slides it into his back jean pocket and turns to see me with a huge smile on his face.

"Who was that?" I ask.

"Um... that was Kim actually... he's actually going to come over to discuss a few things," Chris says cutely as he walks over to me. Chris and Kim had been talking again over the last year and hanging out every once and a while, becoming just as close as they ever were before with each other. It's amazing to see just how much their friendship has rekindled after all this time, and I'm so freaking happy to have one of my best guy friends back after all these years.

"Really?" I say as he brushes my curls off my shoulder and pulls me closer to him.

"Yea... he was going through one of his storage units and found a bunch of old demos and half finished songs and wanted to bring them over so I could help him go through some of the stuff," He says and places his lips to that spot just under my earlobe. He smells so divine with the freshness of his cologne and I close my eyes, feeling his soft lips tease my skin.

"Is he um... coming over right now?" I say clearing my throat as I feel myself beginning to melt under his touch.

"He's going to text me in a little while, when he's ready," Chris says with his lips brushing across my skin with his words. His arm wrap around me, his hands move around to my lower back and up under my leather jacket, under my plain black fitted tank top, his fingers skipping across my skin. 

"Chris?" I exhale not even realizing I was holding my breath but damn his lips feel so good against my skin. His lips move along my jawline as his fingers find their way to the clasp of my bra.

"Yes baby?" he says so huskily as he touches his forehead to mine. I close my eyes for a moment as he unclasps my bra which makes me giggle.

"You um.... you think we have enough time to... go make a baby?" I flick my eyes to his and bite my bottom lip.

"More than enough time baby," He chuckles and presses his lips to mine. 

As I start to suck his bottom lip, he pushes my jacket off my shoulders and it lands on the floor in a slump at my feet. I reach up and lace my fingers through his beautiful curls, his fingers brushing across my nipples underneath the lace of my bra, instantly making them hard. Then as he barely breaks away from my lips, he quickly lifts up my tank top with my bra over my head and drops them to the floor, my bare chest now pressed against his, his lips crashing back to mine as he holds me to him. 

I feel my heart begin to pound as his hands move to the rim of my ripped jeans, swiftly unbuttoning them and pulling down the zipper, pushing them off my hips and falling to the floor around my feet. My tongue swipes across his bottom lip feeling the hunger and eagerness between us, as his fingers play with the rim of my black panties. His hands move to cup my butt cheeks and in one movement, he lifts me up, placing me on the kitchen counter island as I let out a squeal then a giggle against his lips.

"Chris wait," I say as he stands in between my legs, his hands moving down to my thighs, his lips making their way back to my earlobe.

"What's wrong?" He breathes, his lips brushing down my neck.

"Should we maybe... move to the bedroom?"

"Nah...It's been so long since we've had a little fun outside the bedroom don't you think?" He says, his fingers moving to my inner thighs, gently slipping inside the rim of my panties.

"Maybe..." I exhale, my breath becoming shaky.

"Remember the last time I had you up on this very same counter?"

"With the chocolate cake?" I giggle biting my bottom lip. His fingers tease, finding my clit that was completely aroused by remembering the incident so well. How he licked off the icing that was on every inch of my body. 

"Uh huh... but I think I can make you scream louder now than I did then," 

I moan and let out a sharp sigh as he perfectly circles, using just the right amount of pressure with his thumb, his lips moving down to my right nipple and flicking his tongue in the exact same way. I move my hands to lace my fingers through his curls as he turns his attention to my left nipple, arching my back as he slowly pulls off my panties, barely breaking away as drops them to the floor. 

As his lips part from my nipple I eagerly reach for the bottom of his shirt, lifting it up over his head, his necklaces falling back down against his bare chest. His hand reaches up to cup my face and I lean into his palm as his thumb brushes across my bottom lip. He then flicks his eyes over my curves moving his hand down in between my breasts and gently pushing me back to lay down on the cold marble counter top. I take in a deep breath as I know what is coming and just like that, he spreads me open, his lips make contact with my clit, flicking his tongue and slowly sucking while I move my hips, biting my bottom lip to maintain control of myself. I reach down and lace my fingers through his gorgeous curls, wanting him to never stop as his lips softly suck, his fingers teasing my entrance.

There are no words to explain how he knows the perfect way to flick his tongue to get me to the edge so quickly. A part of me wanted to enjoy the moment but as soon as he started to suck more determined than before, that was it. It was over for me.

"Fuck... me I'm... gonna cum," I whimper and he moans with encouragement as I come apart, crying out just like he promised I would.

"Fuck... I fucking love those beautiful sounds you make," He says panting as he moves away from me and quickly ripping down his jeans just enough, his erection so hard, I couldn't wait to feel him inside me. I find the strength to lift myself up as he grabs my hips and pulls me closer to the edge of the counter. I whimper as he pushes himself inside me, his moans muffled by his lips against my throat.

He thrusts slowly at first, feeling shivers start from the top of my thighs and move all the way up my body. The fullness from him taking over everything, making me moan, hitting all the right spots as his lips move to my jawline, playfully biting me, his trimmed beard prickling me with each thrust from him. I throw my head back, feeling the pleasurable release of the tension between us as he watches my reaction to him. With his brow furrowed, he bites his bottom lip, his eyes caressing every inch of my body. Together, we reach the pinnacle of our orgasm, crying out with each other as we become one with another. He spills his warm liquid inside of me as we ride out our high, never wanting this feeling to end. As I try to catch my breath, I touch my forehead to his, feeling his blue eyes watching me come down.

"Oh my god Chris..." I pant still trying to catch my breath.

"Good?" He exhales and smiles at me.

"Uh huh," I breathe and he places his lips on mine, cupping my face in his palms and I respond, swiping my tongue across his bottom lip, not wanting him to let me go.

Suddenly there was a noise coming from the back pocket of his jeans and he reluctantly pulls away from me, slight sweat appearing on his bare chest as he pulls up his jeans and boxers, then reaching into his pocket for his phone.

"Who is it?" I ask, adjusting myself on the counter.

"It's just Kim texting me, letting me know he's on his way," Chris says looking down at his Blackberry and typing back. Once he sends the text, he glances back at me, sliding the phone back into his pocket.

"Chris?" I ask innocently

"Yes baby?" He gives me a coy smile.

"Um... I think I need help off the counter,"

"Oh shit... sorry baby," He chuckles and gently helps me down, holding me to him for a moment and places his lips on mine once more.

"Ok I need to get dressed," I exhale as I feel the passion between us building up again and he touches his forehead to mine.

"Nah, I don't think so... " Chris smirks and I giggle as I playfully pat his bare chest.


	40. One More Time Around

Seattle Washington, November 22 2009

Chris

Sitting in the studio, down in the basement of our house, Kim and I sit opposite of each other with 3 large boxes in between us, riffling through a long unbelievable musical history of our time together as Soundgarden. It had been so long since I've seen any of this stuff that I had completely forgot most of this still existed. We've been talking for hours about the old days, reminiscing and just hanging out like we used to. I love that we have reconnected again like old times. It's like no time had passed at all.

"Holy shit man, I can't believe you kept all of this stuff,"

"This isn't even half of either. I got a lot more demos of us back in storage. This is just the stuff I found in my basement," Kim chuckles. I lean down to the large box that sat between us and pull out even more demo tracks on various old reel to reel tapes that I had long forgotten about, the song titles scribbled with my horrible hand writing. 

"Heretic...? Fuck..." I exhale flipping my curls out of my eyes as I look over the tape.

"Yea, and I mean there's all sorts of shit from when we did Superunknown in there, stuff from Badmotorfinger... I mean..." Kim trails off and takes a sip of his bottle of water. 

"So what do you think we should do with all this stuff?" I ask flipping over another reel to reel tape and examining the label. Kim takes another sip of his water and glances down at the box and then back at me.

"Well I was thinking... what if we see about putting together a package of some of this stuff... kinda like a rare tracks or B-sides album or something. I mean I know it's been a really long time but I think it would be good to get it out to people,"

"Yea... yea I think that's a good idea, " I smile back at him. 

"And you know... I was also kinda thinking maybe we should start up the band again?"

"Yea?" I smile.

"Yea... and maybe even start up a website or something, since we kinda don't have anything like that,"

"Hey, maybe even start like a Facebook account or maybe even a Twitter account?" I suggest and Kim raises his eyebrow at me.

"Oh so you're into that twittering thing huh?' Kim smirks.

"Only cause Andi started me up with one... but she like found all these groups on Facebook that apparently are dedicated to our old band. Lots of fans wishing that we had something like a website," I explain. I'm still new to the whole online presence of stuff but it was really cool to see that we are actually missed and that there are people out there still that listen to Soundgarden. That we haven't just faded away.

"Do you think Andi would wanna manage us again?" Kim asks taking another sip of his water. 

"I don't know... she was really hesitant the last time," I say as I lean forward pulling out some more demos from the box.

"Yea but that was like almost 15 years ago... she's so much more confident now... I think she'd do it," Kim says and I give him an apprehensive look, thinking about how when I asked her to manage Audioslave and we sort of pushed her into it. I don't want to push her this time. 

I then hear the upstairs door open with my little Vada laughing with Andi not far behind her. After a couple of minutes Vada comes running down into the studio with her little dark curls bouncing in her pony tail all around her and those big blue eyes that light up each time she sees me.

"Daddy," Vada smiles as she bounces over to me.

"Hi peanut,"I smile at her and she wraps her arms around my neck. I give her a quick noisy kiss on her cheek and she laughs.

"You have fun at Olivia's?" I ask.

"Uh huh... they got a new puppy and he is so cute and playful but he barks a lot," She says and I laugh.

"You remember uncle Kim right?" I ask as I point to Kim and he just smiles raising his eyebrow at her as she turns to face him.

"Hi Vada," Kim says in a voice much deeper than mine and she giggles but still stays close to me.

"Oh Vada, you don't need to be shy around me," Kim says and she just giggles again.

"Hey guys," Andi says as she appears at the bottom of the studio stairs, her beautiful self still making my heart skip a beat every time I see her.

"Hi babe," I say and suddenly Vada decides to break from me, running over to give Kim a quick hug, and then makes her way over to the stairs saying something about playing upstairs as Andi pats her back on the way by. Andi then walks over to me, leaning down and placing her lips on mine for just a moment.

"Hey Andi," Kim smiles at her taking another sip of his bottle of water.

"Hey... man it feels like it's been forever ... how are you?" Andi smiles and moves over to Kim, giving him a hug.

"Good, good... everything's really good," Kim says when she breaks away from him. "Fuck it's crazy how Vada looks so much like both of you, especially you," He says and gestures towards me.

"Me? Nah... she looks like Andi the most," I smile at her and she giggles. 

"So what is all this?" She asks moving back over to me and sitting down on my lap gesturing to the large boxes that sat in front of us.

"Um... just some old demos, some unfinished songs, ideas... stuff like that,"Kim says.

"Yea, we're um.... thinking about putting a package together of some of these recordings and maybe get something started online... what do you think babe?"

"I think that's a great idea," She smiles and glances back at me.

"And we also had another idea too," Kim says. I glance at Kim raising my eyebrow and he glances back at me with that same look.

"What?" Andi half smiles looking back and forth between us. I place my hand on her thigh as she pushes her curls out of her eyes to glance back down at me.

"Kim and I were thinking... of getting the band back together - "

"Baby, oh my god that's awesome," She cuts me off excitedly smiling at Kim and then looking back down at me.

"-but we were wanting you to be our manager... again... and maybe help us start up the online thing?" I ask as I look up into her dark eyes.

"I'd love to," She smiles at me without hesitation.

"You sure?" I ask.

"Uh huh,"

"You don't want to think about it or anything... you really want to?"

"Why would I need to think about it? It's you... Of course, I want to baby," She says so sweetly placing her forehead against mine.

"Alright... awesome," Kim says taking the last sip of his water as Andi leans in and places her beautiful lips on mine, sucking on my bottom lip for just a second before pulling away and hoping off my lap to head for the stairs.

"Wait, where are going?" I chuckle. She turns back flipping her beautiful dark curls out of her face and gives me the cutest smirk.

"Well, if I'm going to be your manager again, I need to draw up a contract," She says sweetly. I chuckle and shake my head at her as she happily bounces upstairs out of the studio.

"See... I told ya she'd do it," Kim smirks.


	41. A New Year Brings...

Seattle Washington, January 1 2010

Andi

The 12 year break is over & school is back in session. Sign up now.   
Knights of the Soundtable ride again!  
'www.soundgardenworld.com'

"Ha! look at everyone getting excited babe," Chris laughs as he continues to message fans back through twitter on his new iPhone that I got him for Christmas while I continue to reply to emails to make sure the website is ready to handle the traffic that may just come flooding through.

"Yea... and holy shit, they are hitting the website now," I say as I check the site manager for analytics. I can't thank Universal Music enough for the fact that they were able to set me up with someone who knew how to make a website. Now I just have to finish making the social media accounts for Soundgarden and give Chris and the guys the credentials so they can post whatever they like.

"Daddy, can me and Olivia play downstairs in the studio?" Vada asks as she appears in the doorway to the office with Olivia giggling behind her.

"Sure peanut... just be careful," Chris glances up from his phone for a second to give Vada a smile.

"I will daddy don't worry," She smirks that same smirk that Chris does then her and Oliva take off running downstairs their laughs filling up the house which make me smile.

"Sometimes I miss it when Vada was a baby... now she can run my studio like it's nothing," Chris says as he sits down on the corner of my desk while I finish up the last email.

"I know baby... but maybe with my appointment this afternoon... she might be a big sister instead, " I say as I hit send and turn off the screen, then get up from my chair and move to stand in front of Chris, resting my arms on his shoulders as he sets his phone down beside him and places his hands on my hips.

"I hope so... ever since the band started talking again... and wanting to get stuff going again... I just feel good y'know? Happy... really happy and when you suggested that we try for another baby, it's like baby fever just took over me or something," He smiles as he touches his forehead to mine.

"Yea I know... That's why I'm thinking positive and sending good vibes out there that I'm hopefully and finally pregnant,"

"Good... cause I don't wanna hear this 'I'm too old' bullshit you started saying over the last little while," He smirks at me.

"Well..." I trial off and look down at myself.

"Andi..." Chris says sweetly.

You think I would be used to it since I've had trouble getting pregnant ever since we wanted to have a baby the first time almost 20 years ago. When Vada was a wonderful surprise, I thought that maybe I wouldn't have that issue again. Well, I shouldn't have thought that. It's been a rough go. I've been thinking positively and making sure I'm as healthy as I can be but by the end of November, we still weren't conceiving. So I made an appointment and my doctor suggested that since I am older now and I've had so many issues with conceiving in the past, that maybe we should try Invitro since I'm healthy and have no other risks. I didn't even give myself the chance to feel upset about the fact that I could have trouble conceiving naturally. I've always had that problem. I immediately made the decision to do whatever it took to have another baby and Chris supported me right through it. So she put me on a hormone regimen for the first 3 weeks and then right after Christmas, I went in for my first implantation. Let me tell you that was weird, but hey... whatever gets me pregnant at this point, I'm all for it.

"Ok, ok... I'm just older... better?" I look up into those blue eyes of his and he just brushes a few dark curls from my eyes and gives me that smile.

"No baby... you are even more beautiful than the day I met you and you make me feel lucky to be a part of your life no matter how much older you get,"

"You sure you wouldn't want some young little thing... y'know -"

"Andrea," He says flatly. I know he means business when he says my name like that.

"I'm just kidding," I giggle.

"Yea well, you better be," He laughs and then leans in to press his lips to mine, immediately flicking his tongue at my top lip as his kiss becomes full of passion in just seconds.

"I swear if you didn't have to leave and the girls weren't downstairs, you know what I'd do to you on this desk?" He says low and lustfully when he parts from my lips.

"Have your way with me?" I bite my bottom lip and touch my forehead to his once more.

"Damn right," He smirks raising his eyebrow at me. I give him another long soulful kiss, lacing my fingers through his shoulder length curls and secretly wishing he would never let me go. I then pull away and reach down to light up the screen to his phone to check the time.

"Shit, I have to get outta here," I say realizing I'm late. His hands drop from my hips as I quickly move away from him and grab my phone and jacket from the chair.

"You got everything babe?" He asks.

"I think so. Um... I don't know how long I'll be,"

"It's ok babe, just go... hurry," He says sweetly. I move over and give him another quick kiss on those incredible lips of his and quickly head out of the office to say goodbye to Vada.

*****

"Alright Mrs. Cornell... we should have your results in just a couple of hours so if you like, we can send you a text or call you around 3:00pm,"

"Oh... so that's it?" I ask as I untuck my curls from my leather jacket.

"Yes that's it," The doctor says as he makes a note in my file.

"Ok... well I could've just taken a pregnancy test at home if that's all this was," I chuckle though I didn't exactly find it very funny.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Cornell... this pregnancy test is a lot more accurate than the home tests which is what we need to make sure if you are in fact pregnant. I thought doctor Stevenson informed you that this is what the appointment was for," He says flatly.

"No... no she didn't," I trail off feeling a belittled and since this guy wasn't actually my doctor, I can tell he is lacking in the bedside manner department.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Cornell... we will let you know," He says finishing up his note and then leaves me alone in the room.

*****

Chris

"Daddy... watch... me and Olivia are starting a band," Vada says excitedly as I walk downstairs with a couple of sandwiches and drinks for them.

"Ok, ok, I'm watching," I chuckle as I set the plates down on the table across from the mixing board and grab my stool and sit down to watch my little peanut. She takes the mic stand and sings while Olivia stands next to her with the other mic stand and follows along with her.

" I kissed a girl and I liked it...The taste of her cherry chap stick...I kissed a girl just to try itI hope my boyfriend don't mind it... "

As soon as those lyrics started coming out of her I didn't know if I should say something or just let her continue, but the father in me suddenly wanted her to stop right away.

"Vada, wait... what?" I say.

"Dad... it's Katy Perry..." She says in a tone like I'm supposed to know who that is, which I do.

"I think you might be a little too... um..." I didn't know exactly how to explain just exactly what she was singing was maybe just a bit too young for her but she looks at me with that confused yet innocent look and I couldn't tell her otherwise.

"Sorry peanut... go on..." I say and she looks over at Olivia and Olivia just shrugs. Vada then looks back at me and her expression changes.

"Never-mind dad," She says quietly and walks passed me.

"Vada?" I say to her as she walks passed but she is already upstairs. I turn back and look at Olivia and she just smiles at me.

"Did I mess up?" I ask and Olivia nods.

"I should go after her then shouldn't I?" I say and Olivia nods again. She is just like Eddie.

"Ok... well here... eat this and I'll be back," I say and offer her the sandwich.

"Ok, but if Vada doesn't come back can I have her sandwich?" She asks. Again... so much like Eddie.

"Yes Liv you can have her sandwich," I chuckle and she smiles taking the sandwich and sitting down at the table. Once she's comfortable, I make my way upstairs all the way up to Vada's room and see her sitting on her bed alone and looking down at herself.

"You know it was a little rude to leave Olivia downstairs all by herself," I say as I appear in the doorway.

"Yea well... it was a little rude of you to make fun of me," She says still not looking at me, those dark curls of her falling across her face looking just like her mother when she's upset with me.

"Baby I wasn't making fun of you at all... you are amazing with that voice of yours," I say suddenly feeling a lightning gut punch through my chest that she thought I was making fun of her.

"Then why did you get all weird when I started singing?" She looks toward me with those blue eyes that remind me so much of myself.

"I didn't mean to get 'all weird' it was just the song you picked -"

"But I like that song," She cuts me off, her eyes still looking up at me.

"I know... It's just..." I start

"Daddy it's just a song," She says and in that moment I realize that she isn't my baby anymore. she's growing up and I'm just a silly old dad that sometimes forgets how innocent she can be. I walk over to her and kneel down in front of her.

"I'm sorry Vada... I don't ever want you to feel like I'm making fun of you ok?" I say and she nods. She them throws her arms around me giving me the biggest hug and I laugh, then give her loud noisy kisses on her cheek and temple.

"Daaad," She laughs and pulls away rubbing her cheek from where I kissed her.

"Vaaadaaaa," I repeat back to her and she just rolls her eyes at me.

"Ok go back downstairs... Liv's waiting for you,"

"I hope she didn't eat my sandwich," Vada says as she hops down off the bed and I laugh


	42. NUDEDRAGONS

Seattle Washington, April 16 2010

"Come on please... this time maybe?" I say to myself as I hold the little plastic stick in between my fingers. I glance up at myself in the vanity mirror in our bathroom studying each fine line that softly grazes the corner of my eyes. I know it's inevitable, and that they aren't exactly all that noticeable but I can't help but fixate on them while I wait for this little piece of plastic to tell me if I'm finally pregnant or not.

It's been weeks since my last hormone injections and implantation, since the first one didn't work out. I've had 4 rounds of invitro so far and I'm starting to lose my confidence in the whole procedure. When the doctor had called me that afternoon back in January, the test had come up negative.

I was devastated. I was so sure it was going to work, and when I had to tell Chris, I thought I was going to fall apart. But, it was only the first round so I figured once again, maybe it just takes a while for me. I just remember all those years ago when we were trying the first time and nothing was happening, I was so scared there was something wrong with me. It's apparently more common than I thought and even though my cycles have always been on time, it was - and still is - the Endometriosis that causes difficulty for me. So technically there is something wrong with me, but it's not something that can be cured and I've learned to live with that.

This last implantation is going to be the last for me. I'm tired of trying and becoming disappointed each time. It's too hard on me to keep doing this over and over, not just emotionally but physically too. Having to go in every month for egg retrieval and implantation is just... I can't do it anymore. So, I have an appointment with the doctor - my actual doctor this time - on Monday for a pregnancy test but I figure maybe if I just take one myself, I'll get lucky.

And if I'm not...

"Babe? You almost ready?" Chris breaks me out of my thoughts as he appears in the bathroom doorway. His curls now just a little passed his shoulders, wearing just a plain black t-shirt and fitted ripped up jeans with his Doc Martens. His beard trimmed neatly and showing little sprinkles of grey, but even now standing there in the doorway, it's like he hasn't aged at all in 22 years.

"Yea... pretty much," I give him a half smile over my shoulder, then look back in the mirror making sure everything is how it should be. He walks over to me placing his hand on the small of my back and notices the little test stick on the counter in front of me.

"Anything?" He asks, his voice breaking a little. I glance down at the stick and see that it was still blank.

"No, not yet," And as soon as I said those words a small faint blue line began to appear. I pick up the stick and wait a few more minutes but no other line appears. Chris glances at me looking down at the stick and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that once again, I'm not so lucky.

"Andi?" His voice soft and concerned, he sees my bottom lip begin to tremble and I toss the stick back on to the counter beside the sink.

"Um, we should make sure Vada's ready to go... and get you ready for soundcheck..." I say with my voice a little shaky.

"Andi it's ok - "

"I don't wanna talk about it," I say shortly as I turn from him and head to the bathroom door.

"Babe," He says reaching out for my hand and holding it to stop me from walking away from him.

"Chris, I can't right now... we need to get Vada ready and I just... I just - "My voice breaks and I slowly pull my hand away from him. "I just can't,"

He stands there in the bathroom watching me walk away and it was all I could do to not crumble into a million pieces before him.

*****

The Showbox, Seattle Washington

After dropping Vada off at Chris's mother's for the weekend, we made our way to the venue so Chris could meet up with Kim, Matt and Ben for their first soundcheck and go over the set list for the night. It is the first time in 13 years that Soundgarden is playing live. After the overwhelming success of the new website launch, new merchandise and social media pages, they have garnered a whole new generation of fans who are just discovering them for the first time. It's amazing to see the love for them rekindled and the excitement that this one off show has brought. It surprised me that tonight's show is actually sold out especially with Kim wanting to go under the name 'Nudedragons' - an anagram of Soundgarden - so never underestimate seasoned fans, they will figure your shit out.

"Um, Mrs. Cornell? I think we need another patch cord or... something," One of the boys from the road crew -Bryan, who is barely 20 years old - says to me as I walk down the long hallway of the back of the theatre flipping through my planner.

"Sure, um... Steve is out back by the bus, he'll show you what to do," I say sweetly as I flip my curls out my face and turn to face him.

"Oh ok, sorry Mrs. Cornell," He says worriedly.

"It's ok," I smile. "And please call me Andi,"

"Sure... Andi... um, yea" He smiles sweetly back at me, then quickly turns and heads back down the hallway and out the back doors.

I giggle to myself a little bit, thinking about how I was at that age. Nervous and excited but mostly nervous being around the band and what not. I continue on my way to the back of the stage, hearing Kim's riffing, Ben's booming bass and Matt's thundering drums as they continue with soundcheck.

"...feel the rhythm with your hands... (steal the rhythm while you can)  
Spoonman... speak the rhythm on your own... (speak the rhythm all alone)  
Spoonman... "

As I stand off to the side of the stage and watch Chris warm up with the guys, it brings back a flood of memories from all those years ago when they were such a young band, and me seeing them for the very first time at the now closed down Gorilla Room. Fuck, what a crazy fucking life this has been.

"Shit, I'm gonna need another Mic..." Chris says as he stops playing his army green Gibson ES335 while Kim continues playing a few riffs and Ben just plays around, lost in the rhythm. Chris removes the Mic from the stand and faster than you can say 'I need a new one', Bryan comes running out from behind me with a new mic for Chris.

"Thanks," Chris smiles and Bryan nods as he somehow heads back behind the stage somewhere.

"Well... he's just right on it, isn't he?" Chris laughs sweetly after he attaches the mic to the stand and walks over to me, his guitar still slung over his shoulder.

"That's what I hired him for," I say as I close my planner back up.

"You ok babe?" Chris says as he reaches out and brushes my curls off my shoulder.

"Yea, I'm ok. I just... I don't really want to think about it... y'know?" I say and quickly glance down at myself then back up into his eyes.

"I know. I just want you to be ok. I hate seeing you so upset," He says sweetly. He leans down and touches his forehead to mine, his eyes never breaking away from mine.

"I know,"

"It'll happen baby... I promise, one day... it'll happen," He says so solidly that I swear sometimes he could convince a blind man to see. After a few moments, he places his lips to my forehead.

"Anyways... this is your night babe, don't worry about me. I'm ok." I re-assure him as I close my eyes and place my hand on his chest.

"I love you so much," He says after a few moments, his hands reaching up to cup my face.

"I love you more," I say and he chuckles with his lips still against my forehead. He then lets go and heads back over to the mic, discussing with Kim on what song to warm up with next.

*****

A few hours later, the stage was set for the guys as hundreds of people from all over pile into The Showbox for the first Soundgarden concert in 13 years. Back in the dressing room the guys were hanging out like old times and even a few old friends have shown up in support of the newly re-united Soundgarden.

It was amazing to see Stone and Jeff along with Eddie and Jill - obviously because Jill and I are close since Vada and Olivia are best friends. I also saw Dave Grohl out in the audience with Mark Arm from Mudhoney and Jerry Cantrell who I haven't seen since Dime's funeral back in 2004.

Chris stayed close to me while we converse with everyone, catching up and just hanging out like no time had passed at all. It was almost like we were transported back 20 years but everyone is still the exact same.

"Andi, you've done such an amazing job getting this all set up, like... I don't know how you do it," Jill says to me.

"Well it wasn't all me.. I mean, a lot of it goes to the guys for actually getting back together. I just sort of guide them in the right way I guess,"

"Andi, it's a sold out show... don't be so modest. It's as much as your hard work as it is theirs," She smiles back at me.

"Alright, in honour of the newly re-formed Soundgarden, known tonight as Nudedragons, I as well as Stone, and maybe Eddie but who knows..." Jeff starts and everyone laughs. "... would like to congratulate you and tell you that it's about fucking goddamn time you guys started making music together again. Congrats on your new contract with Universal Records and well... just... we're fucking happy you guys are back!" Jeff exclaims and everyone claps and cheers.

"And on that note, lets get the fuck out there!" Matt says excitedly as everyone laughs and disperses to head out and see what no one ever thought would happen again.

Kim, Matt and Ben all take the stage and Chris stays back with me for a moment just the way he always has, as I tell him how proud I am of him and how he is the love of my life. He tells me how much he loves me, repeating those beautiful words back and placing his lips on mine. Once he breaks away from me, he heads out on stage with his Gibson ES335 and the crowd just absolutely goes insane.


	43. Remember... I love You, Love You

Hi, it's Andi here

I know Chris is usually the one to step in here and say a few words but, I feel like it's more fitting that I do, given the circumstances.

Where the hell do I begin? It's been quite the ride hasn't it? I never thought in a million, trillion years that my life would've turned out this way. From being that small town girl from Canada, moving out west to start my life over and ending up in the middle of one of the most influential musical movements of our generation. And it all started from that one night when Selena convinced me to go to the Gorilla Room to see a little band that she had only heard of once before.

Soundgarden

Damn... how do I describe that first time seeing Chris up on stage like that? He was raw, powerful, charismatic... hypnotizing, chaotic... everything a front man is and should be. I had never seen or heard anyone like him in my life. That incredible voice with so much damn power behind it... and he made it look completely effortless, as if anyone could sound like that. Truth is no one does. I don't think anyone ever will.

When he talked to me after too, like what the hell? Me? I mean I could tell he was checking me out at first but I didn't think I was his type at all. I mean, you've all heard me say it before, I'm a hardcore metal chick. Punk was never really my thing, aside from the Ramones. The fact that Soundgarden's earlier material was really punkish, made me think that he was into those kind of girls... maybe. I don't know... all I know was that I couldn't believe he was talking to me.

Fuck, I was so young too... 18 years old with a fake ID. It's a wonder that I never got caught. Well it was the 80's and they weren't as hardcore about that kind of stuff back then.

I was so smitten with him right from the start. Those gorgeous blue eyes of his were absolutely my kryptonite. I swear sometimes, it was like he could see into my soul without me even saying a word. I never used to believe in love at first sight or stuff like that but with Chris... it was like we connected on a whole other level. When he first walked into Lost Loves Clothing Store - which is also now defunct since the building was sold a few years ago. Man I miss that place sometimes... anyways - when he first walked into that store and I was putting away all those shirts, I thought I was going to faint because my heart wouldn't stop pounding.

Yes I still remember that moment, trying to find him a GWAR band shirt. I was so damn shy that I couldn't just actually say anything other than 'how about this one?' and try my best to flirt but fail miserably because I really had no idea how to. Later on when he walked me home after his gig at The Central... that kiss was what did it for me. So intense and so incredible. It was so hard for me to fall asleep that night cause I couldn't stop thinking about him. The night of our first date though... I couldn't help myself. I know it was fast but I was falling in love with him and I didn't care. Honestly if it were up to me - and this may make me sound crazy - but I would've slept with him the night we first kissed if he hadn't been the one to stop it. After that first night, I never wanted to get out of bed again. I wanted to stay there with him, wrapped up in our own little world and have him sing to me, never letting me go.

Chris always made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. Usually he was always the one to make me believe in myself when I didn't. I was always my own worst critic and I think that's what made us fit together so well. If I was feeling down, he was right there to pick me up and if he was down, I was always there to kick his ass - his words not mine. There was never really a battle between us when it came to the other person. We always balanced each other out. We weren't perfect by any means but he was always there when I needed him.

Even when we were having problems and though we were both too fucking stubborn to face our issues after Lily, he was always the one I was meant to be with. A part of me regrets leaving him during that time, but I needed to figure out who I was and I couldn't seem to admit to myself or him that I wasn't ok. That was the lowest point of my life and I thought I couldn't get any lower than when my mother passed away. Losing a child changes you.

I would get into the Kenny situation but I've pretty much already explained myself earlier with that, so I'll only say this: I did love him, a lot in fact. It just wasn't our time. I was never the girl for him. I don't regret our time together but I was always meant to be with Chris. When I finally found my way back to him, I promised that I would never give up on him, no matter what, and I held to that promise.

Then when my little miracle - Vada - arrived in this world, there are no words to describe the excitement and just pure unconditional love you have for a person that you have never met yet. That you have created and that is apart of you and no matter what, you will do anything and everything to protect them no matter what happens. It is true that they say you never know love until you have a child and I believe every word of that now. She is my world and will always be my little girl no matter how old she is.

Managing Soundgarden on the other hand was quite the crazy experience. I never thought that I could be able to handle being in that side of the business and still be able to not bring it into our marriage, especially with band disputes but it wasn't very often that the guys would fight. I was pretty good at being Switzerland so to speak and having everyone's interests at heart. When the guys re-united after 13 years apart, it was like no time had passed at all. It was incredible how after all that time that they were still able to sell out shows and maintain the legacy that they had started all those years ago.

So now I guess I should really get into why I'm writing this down for you all to read. In the years that followed the guys getting back together, they wrote and produced their first album in 14 years, King Animal. It was an incredible return to their form and the album did pretty well considering that they hadn't been around for more than a decade. They did tons of press for the record and received rave reviews from fans and even critics alike. The guys were on top of the world and in 2015 Chris decided to embark on making another solo record.

I remember him in the studio just excited about making the new record that included a lot of new material and some old songs that were somewhat painful to hear as they were written when we were separated back in 1994. Even though they obviously didn't show me in the best light... and I'm completely ok with that. I mean people will always read into everything he writes, especially his solo stuff but he did change some of the lyrics so that it could really be interpreted by anyone. I actually really love those songs.

Chris and I tried for a long time to give Vada a little brother or sister but sadly... it never happened. It took me a long time to come to terms with it but I was finally able to accept it. I think Chris did to, but I know deep down he always wanted more children. Even though he always told me that Vada was his everything and that I shouldn't be upset about it, that he has never been happier in his life and that the two of us are enough... but a part of me could just tell that it was incredibly heartbreaking for him.

After his solo tour in 2015, and when he started with the guys working on the next Soundgarden record in early 2016, it was like he started to pull away from me just a little bit. I'll admit, I was focused a lot more on Vada especially since she had just started high school and was getting into all those things that teenagers do. She had wanted to pursue a career in music and needed a lot of support with switching schools. I couldn't travel with Chris like I used to and a part me of feels incredibly guilty that I let myself pull away from him as well.

Ok... I don't want this to come out as me blaming him, because I am in no way doing that at all. I am just saying this in my own words as best I can because the thought of this right now -saying it out loud, makes me feel like I'm back reliving the same moment over and over again. I moment I don't care to wish on anyone in this world.

Between 2016 and 2017, Chris had started to drink again. Fuck... again I don't want this to come out as blaming him because I'm not at all. I only wish that I could've just somehow stopped it like all the other times stopped him before. I think a part of me just thought it was nothing. I mean there were times where I drank still and he never said anything to me about it but in actuality, we both should have remained sober for ourselves and for Vada. I just didn't know what to do so I ignored it. I didn't bring it up and I didn't talk about it with him. I loved him more than life itself and I couldn't fucking talk to him. Me, a grown ass fucking 46 year old woman couldn't get passed her own stupid insecurities to stop her husband of 25 years from making the same mistakes again. I blame myself for not seeing it, I blame myself for not listening to the signs and... and...

Ok, I need to get myself together here... sorry.

I remember the last night I heard his voice. I knew he had been drinking but he wasn't slurring or belligerent or anything. He seemed a little tired but otherwise he was just him. He was my Chris. We talked for a little while that night after the show in Detroit and he wanted to talk to Vada. Even though it was late, I woke her up and let them talk for a while. Whenever Chris wanted to talk to her while he was on the road, no matter what I would always get her for him. He made her laugh and she told him about her day. She told him about how Taylor - her boyfriend... yea I know, I can't believe it myself sometimes - took her to the movies after school and they saw Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2, which she actually picked. After a little while he told her how much he loved her and how he was so proud of her and that he would be home soon. When she passed the phone back to me Chris and I continued to talk for a little while longer and he started to get a little emotional but basically blaming it on his lack of sleep. It was the most normal, loving conversation I've had with him in a while. One that actually wasn't filled with awkward silence and words that should have been said but weren't. I remember how he told me he loved me and that he missed me... and...

It's hard to go back to that night. It's hard to think that I could've done something if only I had just known. No one ever prepares you for the worst moments of your life. No one ever tells you just exactly how it feels when you've lost so many people throughout your life. A part of yourself thinks that eventually you become numb to it, or you know exactly when the pain strikes, how it strikes you and you think it'll be exactly the same each time.

But no... no it's not the same each time. There is nothing in this world that will prepare you for that feeling of your breath pulled out of your lungs and replaced with indescribable agony where your heart had been.

It was just after 4:00AM on May 18 2017 that I got the call that changed my life forever. Chris was found in his hotel room, ruled a suicide from asphyxiation due to a narcotic overdose with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Oxycontin.

At first I didn't believe it. I thought it was some horrible prank that was being played on me. It was one of the road managers that called me and told me, saying that room service was called because Chris needed more towels or something? The hotel attendant entered the room with her swipe card and found him. She attempted CPR but he wasn't responding and so she immediately called 911.

Everything else after that was a complete out of body experience. I just remember dropping the phone and screaming. I remember Vada waking up and running into the bedroom to find me but not much else other than that. I remember the first person I called was Kim and I was hysterical. They were already on the bus headed for Columbus because Chris had decided to stay behind and fly out in the morning. Since they were already on the road, they couldn't turn back and to this day Kim feels like he should've done something that night but I always tell him, what else could you have done?

I somehow booked the flight to Detroit so that I could see Chris - identify the body as they say - and bring him home with me. I couldn't do it alone so I asked Peter, Chris's brother, to come with me while Vada stayed with Karen.

Vada doesn't talk about it at all. She refuses to talk to me about it and if someone mentions her dad at all she just shuts down. She has seen me break down more times than I can count but she always comforts me but most of the time she just goes down into his studio, where everything is exactly the same way that he left it. I can hear her sometimes crying, but most of the time I hear her playing and that beautiful voice of hers that reminds me so much of him, floating up the stairs from time to time.

The funeral was small, held at the Seattle cemetery by the Puget Sound and everyone showed up, I mean everyone. There were so many people, I had lost count and for most of the ceremony I was just completely distraught, trying my best to hold it together but failing miserably. I had lost my best friend. I lost the only person that completed me, that made me whole.

The night of the funeral, the Seattle Space needle went dark as the entire city, country and world mourned for Chris. I couldn't understand why he did what he did and I was angry at him for a long time after that.

He came to me in a dream not long after the funeral and I expressed to him just how damn angry I was with him. He told me that he knew I was angry and I have every right to be. That he was sorry and no matter what he is always with me. The dream went by so fast that all I wanted was for him to come back to me but when I woke up, I was in our bed, all alone unable to stop the tears from flowing. It was so incredibly real and I wanted to go back to sleep just so that I could be with him again.

It's been a while since that dream and he hasn't come back to me since. But I know he's here with me no matter what. I just need to find myself and who I am without him again. The only difference this time is that I can't go back to him. And it hurts. It hurts so much more than you can imagine.

So with that I will say this: if you see any sort of signs, anything in your gut that tells you there is something not right with the ones you love, don't wait. Don't wait thinking that it's just all in your head because it probably isn't just all in your head. Say something, talk it out do anything to get the person to realize that they are worth everything in this world.

I would give anything to have him back just for one moment, to touch him, to feel him, to hear his voice in my ear as I wake up in the morning... for him to hold me as I fall asleep as he always has since I was that 18 year old girl that knew nothing of the life ahead of her.

And Chris... I know you can hear me somewhere, where ever you are. I just want to tell you that I love you more than life itself and that everyday I look at Vada and I swear I can see you staring back at me. She is so much like you that it scares me sometimes. I just want you to know that I will love you forever Chris, until my last breath... I promise.

*****

"Mom?" I hear Vada's voice appear in the doorway to my office as I save the last document on my computer.

"Yes peanut?" I sniff wiping my tears away from my cheeks.

"I wrote a new song... do you wanna come downstairs and hear it?" She asks. I glance up from my computer screen and see my Vada with her long dark curls, just like mine and those incredible blue eyes just like Chris's looking exactly the same way as him when he would ask me that same question.

"I'd love to baby," I smile at her and she smiles back at me as I rise from my desk and walk over to her, following her down to the studio where the music never ends.


End file.
